Chapter 6

I love looking into Omkara's eyes, but if you ask me what colour his eyes is, I wouldn't be able to tell. I will want to say brown and I will want you to believe me, but I know I will be wrong. That is the only summary of my love story with my husband I could think of.

I love him. I don't love him the way I should love someone like him, but I also want the credit for as if I love him the only way he should be loved.

I smiled at my own thoughts and looked out of the window. If Omkara hears my thoughts he is going to shake his head murmuring I had gone crazy and ask me if I want coffee. Omkara can't hear me now, though. He is in the passenger seat watching Preeti carefully for anytime she could kill us by knocking the car on something. The car swerved towards right and Omkara immediately held the steering wheel to bring it back to position. What was supposed to be a romantic (yes, that word exist in my dictionary) ride to market with my husband is now driving lessons for Preeti who was adamant than my youngest to join us in this short outing.

After Omkara dropped us both in corner of the market street and drove off to find parking, I turned to my sister with a half smirk. I didn't want to be mean to her, but an opportunity to make fun of your sibling is so much tempting.

"Broke your tooth while learning to ride bicycle, hairline fracture during bike and now, while learning car are you planning to kill or get killed?"

Preeti narrowed her eyes at me and her mouth twisted in annoyance. "I am sure Omkara won't anything happen to me or others. That's why he is teaching me."

With that said, my sister walked away with a stomp that could give a toddler run for their money. I couldn't help but chuckle at her retreating figure. When did she shift from calling him jijs to Omkara, anyway?

"Shall we?" Omkara was behind me when I was still busy looking at my sister wondering where she was going.

I turned to look at Omkara and was about to tell him I am heading to a toy shop, but stopped myself. I am not going to accept in front of him that I forgot to buy gift for my daughter's birthday.

"I am just going to buy some toiletries." I said. "You can go take printouts or something. I will meet you near my favourite bakery. You know the one near..."

"I know." Omkara cut me

Of course. I thought, but didn't say. How can he not remember anything that is related to me or kids or my parents or anyone who he genuinely cares about?

It didn't take me much to buy a gift for Nidhi. It was not because I know what I want. It was because there wasn't much option to choose from. My challenge was not buying part, but hiding it carefully so that no one finds out I bought it here and not from Mumbai. I can judge myself, but someone else can't.

I reached my favourite bakery after hiding gift wrapped box under pile of toiletries I don't even need. When I couldn't find Omkara there, I called him and found out that Preeti and he were in a small boutique nearby.

Frankly, I wouldn't go far enough to call it a boutique. It was a...garment shop? Apparently, my sister designed few gowns for a bride on behalf of them and now they are going to pay her by letting her choose anything worth 5000.

First when I heard it, I wanted to roll my eyes, then laugh and certainly berate my sister for wasting her fashion designer degree in a small city like Ooty instead of taking my advice of moving to Mumbai or Chennai. However, I didn't do any of this because my husband not only made eyes at me to keep quiet, but also held my hand and took me to men's section 'to show something'.

"Don't even try to tell me that you don't find this atrocious." I said as soon as we were away from Preeti's earshot. "First, she is selling herself short. 5000 for five gowns? Really! And what is this with choose whatever she wants from..." I lifted my shoulder and looked around the place in appal. "Here?" Omkara bent his head and rubbed his temple. "At least she should get paid in cash and deposit it in..."

"Gauri, please!" Omkara implored. "She knows what she is doing, okay?"

"No, she doesn't." I challenged. "She is a kid."

"No, she isn't." He argued. "Trust me. She knows what she is doing. I spoke to her. She knows her opportunity here is not very lucrative. She knows she will have a better future in some other place. But, Gauri, she wants to be here. She chooses to be here with her parents, in her hometown. She wants to build her life around what she has known."

"Really! Omkara. And you support her?"

"Why not?"

Why not? Because... I don't know. She will not grow career wise. She will not make money. She cannot be happy. Because, if I was her I wouldn't have chosen this path.

"Look, Gauri." Omkara held my shoulder. "I know how you feel about people who don't think the same way you do, but just Preeti to know what she is doing, okay?"

What does he even think I feel about people who don't think the same way I do? Is that a taunt, though it was delivered in a levelled tone?

What is wrong with what I think, anyway? All my life people have judged me for not being who they think I should be. Now, can't I judge someone for not being what I think they should be? In my defence, I only want her to be successful. She is too young to know happiness and success may not mean the same thing and when time comes for us to pick one, we should know what to pick. I hope she is smart enough to not pick the easy root even though she thinks she wants it, because she cannot want it. She should not want it.

I stood far away grudgingly looking at Omkara and Preeti pour over some catalogue, I couldn't help but wonder when was the last time I went clothes shopping with Omkara. Was it during wedding? Of course, we shopped together for kids couple of times. But, for each other? I don't even remember.

Omkara was a wearing a plain grey T-shirt that has seen better days. He is not much of a dresser. I want to say it is because he knows he can pull of even rugs with his laid back assertiveness, but anyone who knows him knows that he doesn't really care. One time during an interview that was going to convert us from interns to employees, Omkara was ready to walk in wearing jeans and hoodie to meet MD. I had to threaten him to get him to buy something formal. Even without looking, I could say he must be wearing flip flops, still, I confirmed and cherished my own victory. I guess, I know my husband more than I give myself credits for.

My hands on their own accord began to explore the various informal shirts hanging in row near me. They aren't branded. No way will I let Omkara buy it, but I can look, you know, to kill time.

My hand stopped at a navy blue shirt checked with yellow and green stripes. This is not Omkara's style and probably that is why I imagined him in it. After few seconds, my hands began to move forward when someone else's hand reached behind mine and took the blue shirt off hanger.

"Not my style." I heard Omkara say and turned around to find him standing behind me. "Maybe I should buy one." He looked at me. "Misha wants me to wear a shirt to her annual day function next month." He rolled his eyes, but I know he wasn't complaining. "Let me try it."

I sighed heavily behind Omkara. Things like this make me love and hate him. If he had pointed out the hideous fur top that the mannequin was wearing and asked me to try it, I wouldn't have budged even to humour him. However, with Omkara he will always listen to what others want out of him. No, he isn't a push over. He just has the heart to accept that only way of doing something isn't his way. He listens, understands and then decides. On the other hand, I believe doing anything that you don't like is waste of breath. Why try one something to appease him even if I know I won't buy it?

I can never understand why Omkara is the way he is, yet I will not ask him to change. Omkara always understand why I am the way I am, yet he will not ask me to change.

"Gauri."

He looked handsome. No, not in the smouldering kind of way, but in the way a man in his mid thirties should be. He is lean, but muscular. I could see wrinkles around his eyes and few strands of silver hair behind his ears, yet, in my eyes, he looked more handsome to me than he ever looked. Strangely, I know it is because I am not only looking at him but seeing him. I took slow steps towards him admiring the way he was pulling at the sleeves just like Nidhi does.

"Wow! You look handsome!" I heard Preeti. She walked past me to stand beside Omkara already holding her hand in air to click a selfie. Preeti's hand went around his elbow and she urged him to say 'cheese'.

"Let me buy this for you." She said grinning at Omkara. "My gift to you from my first paid work."

Omkara was denying it with some excuse. Preeti wouldn't buy any of it. She was already telling the boss lady to pack it along with a saree that she has chosen. Omkara looked at me as if expecting me to say something. I didn't know what, though. So, I simply shrugged and walked out of the shop.

If I didn't like my sister buying a shirt for my husband that could have held a sweet memory for us if one of us had paid, I am not going to dwell on it. I have been complaining so much about many things around me off late that I don't even know when my hatred is genuine and when it is result of my frustration. I turned around and got one look of Preeti telling something to Omkara while he looked distracted, before I walked away.

No one commented anything about me eating seven cookies by the time we left the bakery with snacks for kids after clothes shopping. Preeti ran to the car as she suspected Omkara wouldn't let her drive if she doesn't reach there first. Omkara and I were walking in our own pace. As casual as it has always been, Omkara wrapped his hand around mine. I gave his hand one squeeze and he returned two. Just like that, I know, we are always going to be okay.

***

Before someone comments that happiness and success can mean the same thing. I want to say that it can. I only say that it will not be same all the time for all the people. That is why I used to the word 'may'.

There is an Indian web series called 'Queen'. A dialogue from it stuck with me. "If you want to be happy, do only things you want to do. If you want to be successful, do even things you don't want to do." I found it very relevant and true.

If you think Gauri is contradicting herself and seems self centred or self sympathetic, then you are absolutely right. Her character is designed that way only.

P.S. Update was delayed because someone from my extended family passed away.