Chapter 5

I stood in front of the familiar tall, black gate in which second grill from the right will have my name etched. It was something my mother insisted me and my brother do before we left home for good. I rubbed the spot where I know the name is, but couldn't see because 1 AM on moonless night is barely time to find old cravings.

My childhood home felt nostalgically familiar that even in spite of the darkness and bushes and trees covering it, I could feel the warm welcome.

I should have reached here around dinner to surprise Nidhi. I had pulled all contacts inside office, asked all kinds of favours and relieved myself from the project for couple of days to come here today. I know could have done it last week. It would have avoided unnecessary fights and turmoil. I don't know why I didn't try harder. Maybe I wanted Omkara and my family to be upset with me. It was better to miff them with absence than with presence. It will at least save my peace of mind. Well, that is what I thought until I realized that them going away without me was also equally disturbing.

I can mentally picture my therapist perching his specs on her nose and narrowing her eyes at me. 'What do you want?'

'I don't know.' I will give her the usual reply.

Even as I boarded the last flight, caught uber in this ghostly hour to come here, all I could think was that I don't know if this is what I want, but I am going to do this, because it feels better to be miserable with them than without them.

As I shifted between my feet standing in front of what will always remain my first home, I dialled Omkara's number. Soon realizing that I would be disturbing the kids if his phone rings, I cut the call and message him that I was standing outside.

'Out? As in here? In Ooty?'

'Yes'

I imagined the way his eyes and mouth turn round every time he is shocked or surprised. A smile automatically touched my lips as I recollected his face from one of the many times when I pulled his cheeks seeing that cute expression.

Foyer lights were on and I saw the door open before Omkara emerged from inside. I have had people ask me if my heart skipped a beat when I first met Omkara. I always laughed and replied 'no'. I was confident I have felt that way. Now, I realize that what I feel at this moment is heart beat skipping, then yes, it has happened many times in presence of my husband, Omkara.

As Omkara approached the main gate with keys dangling in his hand, even the minimal light from bulbs didn't allow me to gauge his expression. I wish I could, though. If I knew what Omkara felt about my sudden visit, I could be prepared. However, what I will prepare myself for is unclear even to me.

As the gate was pushed open, I found myself standing in front of Omkara eye to eye. Standing so close to him, with torch light from my phone still on, I could see surprise in his eyes along with something else that I have not seen in his eyes since long time. I am not able to place a name to it, though.

'Gauri' he said my name the same way he did when we first met.

I wanted to say something, anything. But when I opened my mouth, only mist left my mouth.

"You must be cold." His eyes went to my ears even as my one hand touched my right ear to rub heat to it. For some strange reason, my ears felt like ice cubes when I am cold and I had to rub heat into them often.

"Huh." I managed to say.

He wheeled my suitcase inside the house, as I followed him still rubbing my ears.

I inhaled deeply as I stepped into the living room. This house still smelled like childhood.

"I didn't want to wake up maa or kids." Omkara said as he looked at me." If you want dinner..."

"I had dinner."

"Okay."

We stood there for not more than five seconds before I began to walk towards the stair to my old bedroom. "Gauri." I heard Omkara call. I stopped and turned back to look at him.

"Kids are sleeping in your old room." He said.

Isn't obvious? I wanted to say before I realized that of course there wouldn't be room for kids, me and Omkara in my old bed. The room is still the way I left it except regular cleaning is done.

"The guest room..." I pointed at the guest room behind Omkara. He nodded as he made his way inside and switched on the lights.

After Omkara placed the suitcase beside the bed, I began to remove my coat and socks as I was feeling warm inside the house. Until I had removed top two buttons of my office shirt, I didn't realize Omkara was standing in the same place unmoving. I removed my hand from the shirt and looked at him questioningly.

He looked at me with scrutinizing eyes, lips slightly opened, as if I should already know what he was going to ask me. 'Hmm?' I prompted.

"Well, the girls are in the room." He said.

I know. Why is he saying that to me now? Misha and Nidhi have been sleeping in their own room for couple of years now. So, they should be okay, right? Or does he expect me to go to them, kiss them, cajole them and do all motherly stuff when they are sleeping? This is the reason I have disagreements with Omkara. He wants me to be the way he wants me to be instead of accepting me the way I am.

"The girls are alone. It is a new place, so they will get scared if they wake up in the middle of the night."

"Oh!"

Now I get it. He wants me to freshen up here and go back to my old room and sleep beside them.

Omkara looked at me as if he was waiting for me to say something. I know he expects me to offer voluntarily to go to their room. I would too, if not for his expectations. All the pressure makes me an impulsive rebel.

My silence made him speak eventually. "I will go back to them now. We will discuss rest in the morning."

Of course! I moved heaven and earth to come here today and all he cares about is going back to the girls as if my presence isn't bequest but a hindrance in their normal happy life.

Omkara stopped in front of the door and turned to look at me. "Do you want to...?" he asked jerking his head to the stairs. "There is a couch in that room where I can sle..."

"I will be comfortable here. I had a long day." I shrugged

I saw flash of something akin to hurt cross his face. After all I have faced, he has no rights to be hurt. I sighed deeply behind Omkara's retreating figure, before I plunged on the bed not even bothering to change.

***

My first morning in my hometown could have been a moment of reminiscing everything if only I had woken up on time. When I walked into the living room in the afternoon, the first ones to greet me were my daughters.

"Mumma! My birthday was yesterday why didn't you come?" Nidhi pouted.

"Mumma's flight was delayed." I said an excuse that a six year old can understand better than my professional jargons.

"Did you buy me gift?" she asked

No. I was too busy planning my visit that I didn't get time to buy anything. "Yes." I lied, because it is not like Ooty doesn't have shops to buy gift for a newly turned six girl. "But, I will give you only after I see you eat all your vegetables."

Misha had fewer questions than Nidhi. She hugged me tightly and kissed my cheeks.

"Papa was right." She grinned. "He told us that you will not disappoint us and will come very soon."

"Did he?" I asked as I eyed Omkara from side who was sitting in the dining table with his laptop open. His fingers were typing something, but his eyes were on his. A small smile was evident on his lips and I saw him wink at the kids from behind his glass. When did he start wearing glasses?

Omkara had informed everyone of my arrival in the morning yet my parents did their dramatic greeting of hugging, kissing and complaining how I have lost weight or dark circles under my eyes. Thankfully, at least my sister Preeti wasn't making a big deal of my visit. She hugged, smiled and went back to one of her mystery novels.

"If you had told me you were coming, I would have ordered for your favourite cookies from that Danish bakery."

"It's okay maa." I said as I got my cup of coffee from my mother. "I am planning to go to Market Street after lunch."

All the while I sat two seats away from Omkara eating my freshly made idlies and onion sambaar, he was only busy in his work. If he had noticed my unwavering eyes on him, he didn't show.

"Done!" Omkara announced to no one in particular as he took his hands off the keyboard and flexed his muscles. "Now I have to take some printouts of this."

I devoured the last piece of my idly and stood up to place the plate in sink. "Gauri." Omkara called. "I will be going to Market Street as well. Do you want to come with me?"

Six hours of nonstop work, skipping lunch, one hour long flight, three hour long car ride, a night of frustration and now he wants to give me what I endured all that for, alone time with him.

"Yes" I said in spite of all reasons my ego gave me to say no.

***