Chapter 10

I have not loved my younger sister always. She has some flaws that made her annoying and I had some flaws that made her look annoying. However, never have I felt pity on her before. I have never seen Preeti as pathetic until few minutes ago when she walked inside my room while I was packing my bags to return home with my husband and kids and demand that I get a divorce.

"Why would I do that?" I demanded

"You both are not happy in the relationship. I don't see a point. It is better you guys spilt before Misha or Nidhi start noticing."

"Are you out of your mind?"

Preeti looked as if I am the daft one between us for not seeing her point.

"Look, I know it was a love marriage. When I first saw you both together, I thought you guys were perfect. But, now, you both look like it pains for you guys to be in each other's company. I don't even think you deserve him anymore. Tell me frankly, isn't the love lost?"

Surprisingly, I wasn't angry. I have not heard a more ridiculous thing than the fact that the love between me and my husband is lost. If anything, love is the only thread that keeps us intact in spite of the pressure that society and our own demons keeps pushing on us. Arnav and I don't love each other the textbook way. We love each other in our own way. Not very conventional, I am sure. On any given day, I hate him as good as I love him and he barely tolerates speaking to me. But, there isn't anyone in the world I would share this love hate relationship than him.

"We love each other."

"Really!" Preeti challenged. So sure that I am lying. "I don't think...."

"And why does it matter what you think?"

We both turned to the source of the voice and saw Arnav leaning on the door frame. His forehead had lines and lips thinned. Oh! He surely isn't in good mood.

Arnav took slow steps towards us. "I am not going to justify to you if we love each other or not. I am just curious why it is your business?"

I touched Arnav's arms once he was standing beside me. Between the two of us, he is the one who measures words and never hurts anyone yet today, seeing my sister is on the receiving end, I want him to be more careful with words.

Preeti didn't have words. She opened her mouth couple of times, but no sound came out of it. Her eyes watered suddenly and she ran out of our room swiftly before we could stop her. I know I should run behind her. That is the normal thing to do, I know. But, what I didn't know was what to talk when I reach her. I turned to my husband for help.

I was surprised that Arnav wasn't as alarmed as me.

"She is just a kid with an enormous crush."

"Oh" Realization dawned. "That's bad."

And also super crazy.

"I know. I thought it was just silly, but I guess it's time we had a rational talk with her."

Arnav began to move towards the suitcase.

"But, that ...then....she..."

"What?" Arnav turned towards me.

"Is that why she thinks I don't deserve you?"

"Maybe she..."

"Or is it true?"

"Khushi, what's wrong?" Arnav walked towards me.

"You love me, right?"

"Of course, I love you. Do you doubt it?"

"I don't." Not even for a minute. "I love you too."

Arnav placed his hand on my shoulder. "I know."

"But do I deserve you?"

"Khushi." His voice was amused. "I am no mighty creature that you do anything special to 'deserve' me. If I deserve your love, then you deserve me."

How can he say that so easily? How can he understand our situation so easily? Is it because he has always been clear what we want from each other? There is no person more sorted than Arnav. Probably, that is why he never let society plague his mind with doubts.

"Don't you think I ...." I gulped. What do I even ask him."Shouldn't I have made this trip with you and the girls?"

"You should have."

I looked at him less with anger and more with relief because he has finally said it. He has admitted that he is disappointed that I didn't pick our family over work commitments.

"Because..." Arnav continued. "You made commitments to the girls. Khushi, I know you were busy. I know you going to office don't mean that you care less about the family, but they don't. They don't even know what work is, Khushi. All they know is that they want to go on vacation with their parents. If you are not going to stand by your words, then they are going to grow up believing words or promises means nothing. Is that the kind of nurture we want for them?"

"But, it was an important..."

"I am sure it was. I understand. But, you didn't even apologise to them for missing, Khushi. You are a strong woman, Khushi and I want our daughters to grow up exactly like you. But, that is possible only if they know you and who you are."

"Are you blaming me like others that I am not a good mother."

"No. Not at all. Who decides what makes a good mother?"

"If our roles were reserved, then you wouldn't have got so much hate"

"Maybe not. But that wouldn't have changed the fact that I would have been wrong."

"But society wouldn't see it that way."

"So, is that what it all boils down to? Validation from society?"

"I don't care what society thinks." I said but even I know it was a lie.

"Khushi, if it is wrong for a woman to do something, then it should be wrong for a man too. What society thinks is irrelevant. What you believe only matters. If you think I would have got away from missing vacation, and then even you should get away from missing vacation, logically, it is fair equation. But, then we will only be building the same world we want to change but in a different colour. Right or wrong shouldn't change based on gender. It should depend on an individual's belief."

"But, how can I be best at both? It is hard."

"Best is subjective, Khushi. It is you who decide what is best no one else. You decide what is best for your work. We decide what is best for our kids. Why should society decide what is best?"

I closed my face with my hands and sat down on the bed. Arnav knelt beside me and held my shoulder.

"Khushi, the four of us, we are a team. We build a fort against the world and when we go to war, we take each other. If you are not going to let us in, be honest with us, then it is not going to get easy."

"I... I feel like such a failure if I am not able to cover all bases."

"You don't have to, Khushi. From what I see, you are just incredible. You are so fierce and strong. I don't think I would have ever been able to keep my head intact if I was in your place."

He leaned forward and hugged me.

"You don't have to tick all the check boxes of the society. You just have to be honest with people who love you. At the end of the day all that matters is us."

"What if I miss vacation again because I am busy?"

"Then you tell us that honestly so that we can postpone, instead of beating yourself about disappointing others. Khushi, you are scared to show love because you think you will end up disappointing Mish and Nidhi, but you have to understand that you are their mother. Any love you show to them is what mother's love is. Our daughters don't hear what society says or what definition it holds, even you shouldn't. You don't even kiss them every day because you think they will hate you the days you will forget to kiss. Khushi, that is not how love works. You should know that. They are ready to accept you for who you are; only you are not ready to show them."

"I don't know, Arnav. It is all very exhausting."

"It doesn't have to be. Trust yourself, Khushi. You are so much more than you give yourself credits for. People really feel lucky to have you in their life. Why do you run away from being your true self?"

"It has been so long since I started living such a toxic life hating myself. I don't even know where to start correcting that now."

"For starters, I want you to kiss the girls when you want to without holding back."

I chuckled looking at him.

"Yeah?" I asked

"Yeah." He smiled

"And what about you?"

"Oh! You can kiss me when I want to also. I would like that."

"Did you ever hate me?" I asked

"I didn't. But, you did frustrate me a lot."

"You frustrated me too."

"I did?" he asked

"Yes, by being the poster boy for best husband and father."

"Then you don't know half of what is going inside my head."

"Really!"

"Have you heard the saying that Universe is fair because it is unfair to everyone?"

I nodded.

"I have my share of insecurities. I have hard time coming in terms with it too."

"What do you do then?"

"I try to take small steps at a time."

"I am sorry I saw you as competition and not ally."

Arnav looked at me earnestly. "I missed us, Khushi. I just want you to be happy with yourself and us."

I threw my hands around his shoulder placing a quick kiss on his forehead.

"Love you." I heard him murmur.

I will love me too, I vowed.

*** THE END ***

 No Epilogue

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