Winter has never felt colder. The heavy Seattle rain has turned into occasional light snowfall. The cool breeze is now a frigid gust. October has turned into December, and the distance between Emily and I has increased.

Halloween night was the night that I showed her another side of me she hadn't seen before. It was the night I brought her back to my place and opened up more of myself to her. It was the least I could do since I'm not ready nor will I be to show her the true monster within.

Since then though, the memory of the pure joy and happiness that overcame her when she set foot inside the four walls that kept my secrets will hit me at the most random times. I can't contain my heart from skipping a few beats anytime I see that childlike giddiness. It puts any fear of not being able to make her happy to rest, unlike now.

Now, all I can do is worry if what I'm doing is enough to keep up that same smile on her face like I did that night.

Our lives have changed individually since then too. I've been getting more assignments than sessions lately, and Emily has officially started her internship at a psychiatrist office. Ironically, she works 8am to 7pm, but I'm the least present. I've been fighting, trying to juggle working for my uncle and maintaining my relationship, it's getting to the point where I can't keep up anymore.

Emily doesn't hide her dissatisfaction either, but how could she when I'm leaving her at the table by herself in a Denny's because I'm 'overbooked and lost track'. The deep sighs and eyerolls never go unnoticed, and they make the guilt I already felt intensifies like being jumped by 6 dudes wearing Timberland boots and black air force ones.

To further add a major insult to injury, I couldn't even remember the last time I stayed the night at her place. I don't remember the last time I've been woken up by her plush lips caressing any exposed skin on my body, her manicured fingers gently combing through my hair or when her quiet sighs filled the room with every shaky breath she took as she fought back the pleasurable sounds that threatened to come out. Of course she wanted to be respectful to her sleeping cat.

Eyeroll

And it's my fault. I've been the one depriving myself of Emily. Depriving myself of the highest levels of dopamine and serotonin, so much that I'd experience withdrawals. For me it's like reaching into a tide pool where the sea stars lays, and my hand is grabbing everything else but the star.

I can tell the sea star is growing impatient. Watching my attempts while waiting to be claimed and cherished. Growing frustrated with each graze like it was being toyed with. Growing doubtful of it ever being mine.

In reality though, she was my star. She is my star. I just haven't been prioritizing my star and I'm afraid my star's light is going to die out.

Friday, December 15 20:13

Here we were present day, enjoying each other's company while it lasted. It's become routine that I am called well into our time together, so I truly try to cherish each moment. Her back was to my torso as she sat between my legs, using her soft feet to caress the top of mine. A movie played on the laptop before us, shining light on the bowl of popcorn that acted as a meet up spot for both of our hands. By the way her hand lingered with each time she reached into the bowl, I could tell she was getting sleepy and her body settled against mine more and more.

"You tired, baby?" I asked, voluntarily moving the bowl to the side of us.

She yawned, "A little bit. The movie isn't really grabbing my attention anymore."

"Want to turn it off?" I asked.

She yawned again. "Might as well."

So, I did. Right as the screen went black, Emily sat up and stretched her arms tiredly. Without saying anything else, she started scooting herself off the bed and was onto her feet before I knew it. she rubbed her eyes a few times, solidifying her tiredness, then looked down at me as if she was watching for me to move.

"What? I asked.

"Nothing, I'm waiting on you." she shrugged.

"Oh. right." I said.

This time I scooted off the bed, stretching my body to rid the stiffness, then rose from my seat with a grunt. She wasted no time leading me to the door, passing through the dark living room that mimicked the coldness of her shoulder she gave me.

I stood in the doorway, looking down between her eyes and her folded arms body, prepared to receive a kiss goodnight. Hoping to receive a kiss goodnight, at least. But the only thing I got from her lips is a question of whereabouts for tomorrow.

"So.." she starts, "will you be busy tomorrow too?"

Of course she was bothered. Anyone with eyes could see that. All those lonely nights and bitter mornings can do that.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets. "Uh, yeah. I have to be at the office tomorrow morning to meet my uncle and then I have two sessions afterwards."

Both of those being true for once.

"What about you?" I asked, as a courtesy at this point.

"Well you know, the usual. Get some laundry done, stock up on groceries, some light cleaning. Y'know, you're free to join afterwards if you'd like."

"Eee, I don't know." I winced, "I might be done kind of late."

Before I could explain further, she scoffed in my face with an eye roll lethal enough to physically hurt someone.

"C'mon, Emily. Don't do–"

"No, you don't do that" her eyes narrowed to match the intensity of her tone.

I stared down at the slender finger she used to jab me in the middle of my chest, but I would be lying if I said I was confused on why it was committing a lame assault.

"This," she starts with an emphasis on the finger that could've burned a glorias mark into my skin the longer it stayed, "is as close as I can get to you as of lately. We don't link like we used to; we don't go out like we used to... Hell, I don't even remember what you're your dick tastes like."

My cheeks threatened to rise as they burned pink. Now was not the time to visualize the many times she did get to know what it tastes like.

she continued, "It's like you're allergic to me or something. Like seriously, who gives a flying fuck about it being late when you're done? Tomorrow is Saturday."

She tried to keep her voice levels down for the sake of her neighbors, but the number of emotions that exploded from her made it difficult. As she attempted to control her volume, she settled on speaking through nearly clenched teeth.

"Why won't you spend time with me anymore?"

"I do spend time with you."

No I don't.

"No you do not!" her voice raised in pitch.

I licked my lips out of habit and lifted my chin. "So, I wasn't just here?"

Barely.

"I don't know. Were you?" Her curls bounced as she adjusted her posture with a saucy neck roll.

"Em, c'mon. I do try to be around. Shit's been hectic lately. I'm for real."

"And. I. Am. Too."

"Look, I'm literally still here. You're the one that walked me to the door. I could've stayed." I pointed out.

"Yeah," she scoffed, "Just for you to leave at the ass crack of dawn like the last couple of times?"

Images of her clinging to my bareback so I wouldn't leave before sunup and I creeping through her hallway half naked while strategically stepping over her cat's toys started to resurface. I guess in a way she had a point.

"But I still stayed the night! Time was still spent! I can stay right now. I do try to spend time with you even when I have a busy schedule. Why you making my efforts feel like they're in vain."

"Because!" She squeezed her eyes shut then she sighed as if she was tired of the world. "I just want to know when will things be like they used to be? I can't even remember the last time you stayed over at my house. It's been weeks. And when you are here, your scent doesn't even get a chance to soak into any of the furniture because you're already leaving by the time you sit down! Even when I go to your house, I'm there by myself with Koko most of the day!"

"Koko's great company though." My chuckle is more hesitant than lighthearted. "I'm sorry.."

"It's not funny! You know what." she gave a dismissive wave of a hand. "I'm not about to do this right now. It's late and I'm not going to stand here and not be taken seriously. Goodnight Jungkook."

I screwed my face up in disbelief, watching the door as it began to shut me out. "Em wait, I was kidding."

"Good. Night. Jungkook."

"Emily, wait–"

I called out to her with the door nearly touching my nose. I clenched my fist, contemplating if I should just open the door since I didn't hear the lock click, but she made the decision clear once I heard the deadbolt.

The soft sniffled from the other side pained me enough, and they faded away quickly with each foot step.

Saturday night

"Please leave your message after the tone."

"Hey, Em...It's me again. This is like my 5th time calling. I'm starting to feel like you're forwarding my calls? I know last night's conversation left us in this weird space but could you call me back so we can talk about it at some point. I hope you're having a good morning at least. or if you're out running errands, I hope you have a good coat on, it's pretty cold out today... I'm not....but.. Uh anyway.. yeah. Call me back when you get a chance baby...um, I..

......I love you...?"

* beep beep beep *

"Aye, Kookie!"

"T'fuck do you want?" I hissed, holding my face in my hands.

"ouch..I know you're in pain and all, but who left a turd in your McChicken today?" Jimin's voice echoed in my head.

"I could literally kill you, bro."

"Kill who? You can't see bitch." he joked, poking the bear some more. "Besides...I'm invincible."

"My god, man FUCK!"  I shouted. All patience lost.

"Okaay. Am I taking you to the hospital or just home?"

"Dude, just fucking drive."

Jimin sighed, affected by my mood. "You got it, boss. Home it is. Onward friends." His goofiness causing Tae (the passenger princess)  to laugh shortly like.

As the car proceeds down the road, I glance at the review mirror and catch a glimpse of the new shiner taking place of my right eye. I couldn't help but to wince more at the sight. Today was a shitty ass day. Between my aching face and shit going on with Emily, my canceled sessions, and my car gone, all I wanted now was to lay my ass down and maybe have a drink.

But for right now.. I settled for resting my head against Jimin's back seat.