Hello everyone

Before you read this, please allow yourself to be warned that this is not a conventional letter from a daughter to her mother, so kindly don't read this or refrain yourself from judging me.

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Dear Ma

When you found this letter in your mail box, you must have wondered why in the world I decided to write to you when I could have sent you a text or an email, if not a call. The truth is I myself cannot gather enough courage to face an instant or quick reply. The days it would take for  this letter to reach you would give me enough time to ready myself for a possible answer from you.

Have no worries Ma, I have not pinned my hopes on a reconciliation with you, not even to hear back from you. I felt the need to convey something to you so I decided to write, it is bad that this opportunity of mending our relationship had to be in such a manner and not in the way I had envisioned it nine months later.

Ma, I know things between us can never be the same as they were so many years back when I used to run to you, faltering on my steps, raising my arms for you to pick me up, laughing and blabbering my hearts to you.

Believe me Ma, I still have distant memories of those melodic lullabies you would sing to me, they ring in my ear every now. But time has its own tricks to play, I can't point out exactly when both of us started drifting away from each other , but with each gradual moment I felt the knots of blood and love binding us loosen.

Ma, there were many matters which did not witness our united concession. I am not blind to the sacrifices you made for me but after sometime, I could not feel their essence because of your repeated lamentations.

 You may be thinking that I am simply ranting and venting, I am, I may even say some things which you may being out of line, but this time I do not want any misunderstandings to crop up between us, or any more pretenses to be maintain for the sake of brittle, momentary peace.

You tried to teach me many important things in life, and i am grateful for your efforts, But Ma, I wish you had taught me the other side too. You taught me to be independent and to pursue my goals, so that somewhere in the process you could fulfill your forsaken ambitions through me. I tried and I have achieved many of my goals and I still am left to achieve many more, but you are not here to share the joy with me.

Through school I struggled, trying to make you happy to make your sacrifices and dedication fruitful but there I lost or forced myself to lose many other little joys of growing up. I felt empty on so many occasions, I could not communicate with you much anymore. I started to move away.

And then I walked out of the house for the first time to pursue my academic journey, and, don't get me wrong Ma, it was in university that I began to live again. I began to find myself again, rekindling my forgotten passions, fulfilling long suppressed wishes and enveloping my life in the new found friendships and bonds.

Ma, you and Papa are happily married. I used to admire your relationship and till date my admiration for it is untainted, but you taught me that marriage should come after my dreams. You were right in your own way, you wanted to see me stand for myself, but I wish you had also taught me that marriage need not always be shackling but rather liberating.

I understand that my immediate decision after earning my degree must have not only saddened you but also broken you beyond comprehension, but that was the first real choice I made for myself. While Papa smiled and nodded, your lips were set in a thin, disapproving line yet through your eyes you gave me your silent consent. That day, holding my lover's hand I stepped away from you more than ever before.

Ma in these vicissitudes of my life, I have learnt and achieved much. You always wanted to see me progressing my field, advancing my career and become self reliant- I have fulfilled your wish, but do you even know? 

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship, we have close friends who are no less than family, we have wealth and prosperity but most importantly we have the emotional resonance that can weather all storms- but Ma, do you know the tiny little fun details, those sweet little moments which any daughter would have happily related with her mother?

You told me that marriage would steal my identity from me but what if I say that it has given me an identity that gives me more strength than what I previously was? We were apprehensive about taking the big step so early in life and not being foolhardy like you had thought of, but not just me, my husband has also made many sacrifices for my sake, including leaving behind his closest family for my happiness.

Ma, my life has more or less taken the form you had wanted it to be, but I do not think that the position you have in my life now was what you have imagined before. Why so, Ma? I am not you, Ma, I differ from you in many ways and so the course of my life could have never played out successfully with your, undoubtedly,concerned motherly plans.

We have created such a big distance between us, perhaps we will never be able to construct a strong, steady bridge across it. But I want to give this another chance Ma, because I too have experienced the pain that you may have felt when you lost your daughter so finally.

But after I miscarried two week back, I realized suddenly the inner turmoil that you must have traversed some years back when I took on some life altering changes. I was aware of my child's existence for only five weeks but suddenly it was snatched away from me, but you Ma, had nurtured me for years only for me to turn my back to you ultimately.

Ma, it is so strange but now I write to you not just as your daughter or my husband's wife, but as another mother who too lost her child. My child cannot come back to me, but yours can, Ma.

Yours

Nimarna

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First, I tremendously appreciate the concern that you all have shown me , I am genuinely touched. Thank you so much.I write because I need to articulate my innermost thoughts and feelings, and words are my medium, and my writings have in their roots elements of autobiography, semi autobiography or absolute imagination, so I regret not being able to clarify your worried queries. I apologise for it, but I do not like talking about my personal life so openly and how you view the letter is entirely up to your discretion :):):):) and once again thank you so much for your lovely DMs and comments expressing your concern:):):)❤❤