Tonya POV

I slowly wake up from my dizzy state to realize two things. 

First, I lie naked on the wet grass as the sun slowly goes down; twilight is close. Second, Noah's naked form is next to me. My heat has started in the morning, so we have been going for at least 10 hours, over and over again. Despite everything happening so quickly, I wasn't that much out of control not to register what we were doing. And yet Silver would never let me stop her, and honestly, I didn't want to stop her.

The plan was easy: take Noah to one territory and Charlie to another out of Silver's reach. I was going to lock myself in one of the safe rooms designed for me after the incident in the fourth territory, hoping the door would be strong enough to withhold me. Well, I didn't manage to check it since I hadn't managed to get to the safe room because Troy mindlinked me that Noah was running away.

The fear that he would manage to reach the pack's border and disappear forever made me snap. Silver was out of control, forcing me to shift and chase after him. I'm sure I broke a window jumping outside. Thanks, Goddess Kathy didn't try to stop me and was accompanying our chase from a distance, ensuring that no one would get close to Noah or me. I think I would be able to kill everybody if he got too close to me or my mate.

The moment I found him, the heat took over me completely. Silver was unable to stop no matter what; I was unable to stop no matter what. Each movement, each touch, each kiss was out of my control. My instincts, my body, and my desire were totally in charge. Silver was in a haze, unable to distinguish anything around her except the scent and proximity of her mate. 

Everything that happened was happening a bit next to me; I was unable to do anything, my body was moving on its own, and its goal was to get satisfaction. The satisfaction I still feel inside me. 

I dare to look at sleeping Noah and his body. I took him very brutally, I think, as I study my fingerprints on his arms, shoulders, and neck. Dark bruising on his hips and countless bites and hickeys all over him. I don't have many because I mainly made it impossible for him to move during all that time. Silver's instincts made her take Linus in wolf's way, made us force him still, and accept what our instincts pushed us to do.

It is good that Silver didn't choose to pursue Charlie; after all, he is pregnant. And yet, I feel a heavy sensation in my chest. It's a shame and sorrow that I was so harsh with him that I took his choice away from him. That even if not on purpose, I treated him as a mindless object serving my own pleasure.

I lie down on my side to look at him; our faces are just a few inches away from each other as the scent of our mutual sex still engulfs us. Am I wicked because, after all,  I don't regret making him mine even though it only lasted a couple of hours?

Noah stirs a bit, and he slowly opens his eyes. It takes him a moment to realize where he is and what has happened recently.

"How are you feeling?" I ask; honestly, I expect from him another pose that nothing important happened, that he is above it and doesn't care, yet he looks at me shyly as his cheeks become red.

"A bit sore, but okay," he whispers. For the first time, his voice is warm, not sarcastic.

"I'm sorry I took you that way," I say, making him smile slightly. I can feel Linus purring inside of him. Just like Silver, he is extremely content with finalizing our mating. After all, the mating bond isn't that complicated for our wolves, unlike for us.

"I'm not angry, it's alright." He whispers, and I sit up.

"It's not alright, Noah. I forced you; I promised you a choice and didn't give it to you. I promised you protection, and yet I became a danger to you. I promised to make you happy, and I made you cry. I'm so sorry."

Heavy silence comes between us. He keeps quiet and refuses to look at me, so I reach for his hand with mine after a while.

"Have you tried to escape?" I ask, and he sighs.

"No, I just... since I came, you've kept your distance and... Now it was just lust, Tonya; we were our wolves' desire, and... it's not like you wanted it either."

"You think that's why I took you? Partially, you are right; I didn't want to submit to my heat, but not because I didn't want you. Noah, you were running away. I panicked, Silver panicked that we would never see you again. She took over; I knew she would not stop unless she got you and took you back here, by force if necessary. And I wasn't strong enough to stop her, and for that, I'm sorry. But despite that, all the time, I wanted you with every cell in my body."

He sits, too, wrapping his arms around his knees.

"Why don't you reject me?" he asks.

"Because I don't want to. Noah, bond or not, I yearn for you. I'm sorry, but I'm desperate enough to force you. I know I shouldn't; I know I promised you a choice, but... Please tell me honestly, do you want to leave? Do you want me to reject you?"

He shakes his head, and I see a slight panic in his eyes. But the relief I feel hearing that is overwhelming. It's funny that both of us have wavered between love and hate since we met, yet none of us want to let go, no matter what.

"But you didn't mark me," he whispers.

I smile a bit sadly.

"I know Silver; I know what she wants, and she wants both of you. That's why Charlie has been taken to a different place than you when my heat started. I knew that Silver wouldn't mark unless there were three of us together. She needs both of you."

"And you?"

He looks me straight in the eyes, and I see his worry. He is scared of my answer of the unavoidability of what it carries.

"I need you to be honest with me; I need to have the truth from you."

"You won't believe me, you..."

"Let me be the judge of that, Noah. You deny me that since the beginning. You deny to believe that I'm honest with my feelings; you deny me the right to decide if I trust you. Stop denying me, Noah, just stop denying me."

He seems shaken, so vulnerable. I want to come closer and hug him, but he must make the first move. He must talk with me, and he must do it now, or we will never manage to sort things between us.

"I ran because I was scared for Charlie. I don't trust Tyler as his guardian, and Sam suggested that maybe someone would try to hurt him and me because you were in heat so that you couldn't protect us."

I frown; I haven't seen that coming. Tyler was openly hostile towards Noah since the beginning; he hasn't trusted any of my mates, and it hasn't been a secret. But Sam? He's encouraged me to make it work; he has told me that everything would be alright, over and over again. Sam is my friend; I value and care about him.

"You see, you don't believe me."

Noah's voice makes me stop wondering. There is a hint of hurt in it but also acceptance. He seems to give up the hope of convincing me of his side of the story.

"I believe you, many people close to me have been suspicious about you, but Sam wasn't one of them, so I'm surprised. I believe that you felt threatened. After all, you were in a perfect situation to escape from here and yet went in totally opposite direction."

"Straight into your arms. But I thought about running away; I'm sorry."

"You are also right that I kept my distance and pushed you away. Because I was scared, I got scared of suddenly having such strong feelings for total strangers. I was suspicious because I am an Alpha. And most of the werewolves see me as a stupid blond; they don't treat me seriously. I'm used to proving to everybody around me repeatedly that I have some worth of my own. But when they see my strength and acknowledge it almost simultaneously, they start to seek a way to use it for their own benefit. I was scared that you were the same and that I was just convenient to you. You kept secrets; there was so much tension between you and Charlie, that at some moment, despite my feelings, I also started to see you as a possible threat to me and Charlie."

"You have a right to be that way after what Kathy's mate did. And I admit that at the beginning, I was uncomfortable with your Alpha's position. I thought I couldn't accept your dominance over me; I was scared that you were like the Alphas I used to know. Mostly greedy and selfish bastards. You are right that as a mate, you are convenient, and Charlie isn't, and yes, I thought about exploiting this relationship. Because I was sure you would do that too. I was surprised you haven't rejected me. I was worried that you would keep me close to you so Silver could be happy. I was suspicious that you seemed to care about me. Because I don't believe in selflessness, everything has a price. It's always something for something. You gave me much, and I had nothing to give you back, and I couldn't accept that you may be okay with that."

He sighs again, and for a moment, there is only silence as we look at each other, finally standing completely exposed to our insecurities and intentions.

"I'm not used to any type of care." Noah finally breaks the silence." I'm not used to someone caring so much about others, for Alpha to be so considerate, for a pack to be so peaceful and safe. I know only abuse of power and exploitation. I know that when you help weaker than you, you only get hurt, and your help doesn't change anything, and being the bystander is the easiest way to survive. I'm happy you are not like me and are not a scum like me, but because of that, I also think you will never be able to love me."

I love him, I do, but I know if I say it out loud, he won't believe me, definitely not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe never. I take a small step towards him, and he doesn't back away; he looks so sad, so vulnerable.

"I didn't reject Charlie because of his past. I don't care about his past; he was abused and violated. How the hell could I blame him for something that wasn't his fault? But I did much worse than judging him; I rejected him out of fear because I knew I was too weak to protect him from Shane and others. Because I was scared I would lose my warrior status; because I didn't want to look after anybody. I'm a coward, and rejecting him was easier than accepting and taking responsibility." 

Once again, I don't comment; we are inches from each other, yet I don't dare touch him.

"You asked how many times I raped Charlie in Shadow Pack, I never did. After we escaped from there, I demanded sex from him, but he never said no. I admit I mistook his silence with consent; I admit to it. In Shadow Pack, I helped him a couple of times, but much more often, I walked away when he needed help. Not only he but also many others. But they were the same; they also walked away from me many times. Charlie's situation was worse than mine, but he walked away from others many times, too. We didn't live in Shadow Pack; we survived there. When Shane almost killed me for stealing, my foster family was hoping for me to die with fewer mouths to feed."

I see small tears in his eyes, but he quickly wipes them away, turning away from me. I want to hold him, give him some comfort, but...

"I did lie to you because I'm ashamed of my past. Because I have nothing to give you. I was hoping that maybe you would never find out that I'm just a coward, no less, no more. You said yourself that having so suddenly such strong feelings towards a complete stranger is difficult to understand. And it scared me, first when I smelt Charlie and next when I smelt you. I know you can make the right choices and put others before yourself; that's why you chose Kathy's father over your own safety. But acts like that are easier for you because you were taught to be selfless. I was taught to be selfish. You are strong and just, come from a noble family, are merciful and kind, and are everything I want. I love you because you are everything I am not. And I love Charlie, unlike me; he had never done anything wrong willingly and never had a choice. I did; as a warrior, I had a choice to do right from time to time, and I usually fucked that up. Like I fucked up with Charlie from the very beginning. I knew rejecting him was the worst mistake in my life the moment I did it, but I couldn't admit it, face it. I said so many bad things to him and about him because I was desperate to get an excuse for my wrong and disgusting decisions, and I didn't want to admit my mistake even to myself. "

His voice breaks as he hugs himself stronger; his eyes are stuck in the ground, and his shoulders are shaking, yet he is not crying. I gently put his head on my shoulder and wrap my arms around him.

"I didn't mean it when I named him a cheap whore and our baby a bastard. I don't think like that. I'm scared of having a baby, and as always, I was trying to excuse my bad behavior."

I know that it would be easier just to brand him as a bad man, but life isn't that easy. There are times when we are brave and times when we are cowards. There are times when we make the right choices and wrong choices. There are times when we say words we regret later and, times when we are honest, times when we are strong and weak. I don't need him to be perfect...

"No more secrets, Noah, no more running away, no more lies," I whisper to him.

"You don't find me disgusting?" he asks a bit shyly, still keeping his face in the crook of my neck.

I don't; just like Charlie, he was also abused and used, went through hell, building his walls so high that no one could hurt him. He is my mate, the gift from the Goddess; I don't need him to be perfect; I only need him to love me back.

"You are mine, Noah; you will always be only mine."

I gently reach to his bruised lips and coax him to join me, which he does.

Later, when we slowly walk back toward the packhouse in our wolf form and the sun is slowly setting down, I let myself enjoy this quick moment of peacefulness between us.

Kathy stands at the packhouse porch alongside the Trio; they look concerned. I'm sure we gave them quite a big scare. After all, we've been out of reach for everybody for a long time.

"We have a surprise for you," Kathy says, glancing toward the door to the house when Pearl is standing alongside...

The small, white like hers, wolf slowly walks in front. He seems to move a bit wobbly and timidly glances into our direction. But the moment his scent reaches my nostrils, I know it's Charlie. He has finally got his wolf back.

Silver steps in front, gently approaching him, smelling him, and rubbing her big body over his small form. We are so happy that finally, our third mate is complete and with us. I nuzzle him as he starts wagging his tail. Linus waits for me to finish scenting him, and then he gets closer to do the same. Noah, Charlie, and I may still have a long road ahead of us, but our wolves don't share our doubts. So we spend the whole night in that form, letting them enjoy each other presence as much as they want.