This was a journal entry that I found from the months I struggled with my mental health and fought to share my feelings with my mom.

      I'm Sorry

     I'm sorry I never told you.

     So many times, I wanted to.

     Please do not think that I do not trust you.

     I love you more than you can imagine.

     That is why I chose to keep my ache to myself.

     I know you would want me to share,

     So, you could take a fraction of my pain,

     But I can't bear the idea.

     For if I told you of my pain,

     You would question me.

     Why?

     Who did this?

     What's wrong?

     And I couldn't bear to tell you,

     That it was me.

     That I was the reason for my pain,

     And though I acknowledged it,

     Still I could do nothing about it.

     You were always so brave.

     Always there to protect,

     Ready to fight whatever may hurt me.

     But, how could I break the news,

     That I was the one hurting the one you loved most?

     You would not have accepted that this was not something that you could fix.

     The power lays in my trembling hands.

     But I am lost.

     I was always so careful.

     Waiting until you were out of sight,

     To pull off my mask,

     And let myself truly feel.

     Many times, I rushed to bed,

     So, you would not see my tears.

     Sometimes I was nearly too slow,

     Times when you would pull me into your arms,

     And we danced ridiculously in the hallway.

     It was in times like that,

     That your loved was portrayed so strongly,

     That I was caught off guard.

     Hours and hours spent in my mind.

     Hours spent putting myself down,

     Going over my every mistake,

     Constantly reminded of my self-hatred...

     And then, very suddenly,

     Yours eyes would hold such remarkable love,

     That I was startled.

     So, startled that I wished to crumble into your safe arms,

     Wish to let myself combust into the tears I struggle to free.

     But your love was so strong,

     You were so happy that, instantly, I was reminded of the pain my words would cause.

     I could not cause you pain.

     I'm sorry for the silence, then.

     You could not have known better,

     For I was always silent.

     I'm sorry if it hurts more now.

     I'm sorry if the pain of my silence,

     Was greater,

     Then, the pain of which I shielded you.

     But know dear mother,

     That I am okay, now.

     Writing down these words,

     Words, I have for so long been ashamed of,

     I am no longer silent.

     And as my silence is starting to break,

     My pain is beginning to fade.

     I'm sorry, it took so long,

     But find solace in the idea that I am no longer afraid.