I'm angry. So angry I can't even be sad anymore. It's so unfair I can't cry and let out what I'm feeling, that I'm trapped in this frozen state and I can't even shed a tear when someone hurts me. The sorrow I live with is suffocating and I do what I can to ignore it and carry on, but I wish I could at least cry once and relieve a bit of the agony that lives within me.

James thinks he's so special and that he can just treat me like he wants because he's alive. I already went through hell when I was alive and I won't do the same now that I'm dead. If there's one positive thing to being dead it is that no one can bully me, no one can hurt me and humiliate me like before. James can't come now and remind me how miserable and insignificant I am and how no one ever accepted me aside from my family.

"Like I want to talk to you, you gigantic moron!"I cry out at the top of my lungs even if he cannot hear me because he's back in college whilst I'm just somewhere in town. "I just don't have another option,"I add in a whisper, feeling low again.

I pull my legs upwards and I hug them, resting my chin on my knees.

Is it too much to ask that for once, one person, thinks I'm not a burden and would want to talk to me? Why is it that everyone rejects me? I've never had a friend and only my mum and dad ever loved me, but no other human seemed to even tolerate me. I just want someone who could smile at me and think I'm funny or nice. I don't need to be someone's best friend, just someone's acquaintance is enough.

Find another ghost, James said but where? Is there a community for beings like me? People that are stuck in the world of the living and can't move on, if the whole concept of moving on exists. Can I find a support group and meet every week to talk about our problems? That would be nice.

"Hello, my name is Paige Samuels and I've been stuck since I don't know when but I assume it's a lot. I can't really remember," I say out loud, imagining our meeting of Ghosts Anonymous. "This week I was insulted and rejected brutally by a living one. He's a total twat and has no compassion and he's super asocial. A real jerk. But he hurt me and my feelings and for a while it feels like I'm alive again, being bullied and hated by everyone for no reason. At least he told me he hates me because I annoy him. I know I do but still, he didn't need to be that cruel, did he?" I continue, hugging my legs even tighter. It doesn't hurt. Nothing physically hurts now. "I just wanted someone to hear me for once. Someone who could have an answer or anything." My voice breaks and I have to hide my face in my knees for some seconds. I want to cry so badly, I feel like crying but nothing happens. I'm stuck here. "I wanted someone to look me in the eyes without mock or disgust. But I guess that was too much to ask, after all. Even when I'm dead people still hate me."

I start shaking. Once the frustration and anger fade the agony of what happened and what that means kicks in and starts chocking me. It feels like hands wrapped around my neck, squeezing and I can't breathe. I don't need to breathe but that doesn't mean I don't feel trapped and scared and horribly hurt.

"Am I really that horrible? That hateful? Maybe it is my fault that people treated me like that. Maybe there is something wrong with me that repulses people. I thought it was them being mean but if even when I'm dead people hate me, then I must be the one at fault," I whisper, thinking out loud and still wishing I could cry.

I take a deep breath and look up the sky, a sad smile on my lips as I try to calm down.

"I'd like to fill in a complaint. This whole not-being-able to cry business is a real scam. I want my money back. Not that I paid or anything, but I feel seriously ripped off right now," I rant, talking to the grey clouds above me as if these could have the answer or would send me a form to fill in with my complaint. "I'd also like to leave a complaint for James Black. I hope that when he dies he also gets stuck and learns what it feels to be all alone and to have people ignoring you even when you need them. That'll teach him." I feel immediately guilty after saying that. "Okay no, that's too cruel. I don't wish anyone to feel what I feel. Not even to James."

"Paige," I hear and for a moment I think I misheard or something because I can't say I'm used to hearing my name. Only mum says it from time to time but her voice is filled with sorrow and longing.

I look to my left just to find James standing there. Well, not standing more like struggling to stand. He bends forward, clearly having trouble to stand straight, his hands are on his waist and he's struggling to catch his breath. I just blink, confused to see him there. Did I summon him with my complaints?

Then it hits me. He came for me.

I move backwards, away from him, sliding on the bench I'm sitting and putting more distance between us. I take a defensive posture, waiting for the next blow do I can dodge it. I still keep my feet on the bench but I stop hugging my legs, instead I cross my wrist in front of my chest, shielding me.

"W-what are y-you doing here?" I stutter, narrowing my eyes at him, trying to figure out why he came here.

Didn't he have enough? Does he have to keep striking me? When I was alive the other kids used to follow me, saying all mean things, pushing me against the walls or pulling my hair, making me trip and more. They never left me alone. They never had enough. Is James one of them? Did he come here to keep insulting me?

"I get it. I understand. I won't bother you again. Leave me, please," I beg, closing my eyes as all what he said before echoes in my head, hitting me over and over again, making me feel like throwing up even if I of course can't do that. I feel sick, dizzy and scared. I'm trembling. I don't want to hear more insults, more hurtful words. "I know I'm annoying. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I start mumbling, my voice shaking as flashbacks of when I was alive come to me, leaving me breathless. All those times kids followed me, even to my home, insulting me all the way. All those times they even threw pebbles at me. Maybe I should've apologised to them as well, instead of remaining silent. Maybe it was my fault and they just wanted me to apologise for my existence. That's why they kept telling me to kill myself, to just die because I was wasting air and insulting them with my presence. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I keep whimpering and now I hug my legs again, hiding my face and willing myself to disappear. I just want to disappear once and for all.

"Paige," he calls again and I shiver violently.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I keep repeating, my voice rising a bit more every time.

"Paige, I'm sorry!" he shouts louder than me and I freeze. "It's me who's sorry. Stop repeating that."

Hesitantly and scared, like a newborn bird peeking out of the nest for the first time, I look up to see him in front of me, closer than before, at the other end of the bench. He looks desperate but honest, he also looks remorseful and flustered. He is still breathing heavily but it doesn't seem it's because he's angry or ready to kill me.

"W-what?" I blink, confused. Those words sound so foreign in the mouth of someone else. Almost like a language I can't understand.

"I'm sorry," he repeats looking a bit more calm now and as I keep watching him as an exhibition on display, I notice the remorse in his expression and worry. "I went overboard when I told you all that. I was cruel and I'm sorry. I just... I lost my temper, okay? I didn't mean to hurt you."

I blink, trying to process the words I'm listening to.

I look everywhere, looking for another soul for whom these words are meant to because he can't be talking to me. I'm just in between. There's someone behind me and he's talking to that person. He's not apologising to me. People never apologised to me for all the things they did and the world hasn't changed that much since I was alive. James hurt me, why would he apologise now?

"What are you doing?" he asks but I keep looking for the person he's talking to. "Paige?"

"I'm looking for the person you're talking to and apologising to. It can't be me," I think out loud.

"Paige!" he exclaims, clapping his hands to get my attention. I snap out of it and watch him with wide eyes, trembling a bit, scared. I don't like loud and sudden noises that catch me off guard. When I'm the one causing them it's different. "I'm talking to you. I'm apologising to you, Paige."

"You're apologising to me?" I ask, repeating his words because it still doesn't make sense to me.

"Yes. That's what I've been saying the whole time. I'm sorry for what I told you before. I didn't mean to hurt you," he says and I take five seconds to process his words.

"But you meant your words, you didn't mean the harm they made. Is that it?" I question him and he blushes, looking away and scratching his head, burying his fingers under his beanie and touching his dreads that he hides there.

"Well, not exactly like that but-"

"That makes sense," I mutter. "I think," I add as an afterthought.

I am annoying, he hates me and he doesn't want to see my face but he just feels bad for hurting me that badly with his words and being so cruel. He still hates me, he's just decent enough to feel bad after what he did.

I'm still hateful and something he wishes he couldn't see.

"I'm sorry for you," I say next and this time he looks confused. "That you can see me. I'm sorry," I say again but this time I don't repeat it like a broken record. I can control myself. "I know you don't want to see my face again. I'm sorry."

"Paige," he repeats, almost like a plead and I stand up.

"I'll try to stay away so you don't have to see me. I won't follow you or anything. I get it," I tell him next, fixing my dress after being in such a position. I bet he saw my underwear. I appreciate he didn't mock me for that.

"Paige, I'm sorry for what I said, really. You don't have to-"

"I won't annoy you anymore. I'm sorry I can't disappear. I don't have control over that anymore and I can't kill myself to help you. I'm sorry." My voice is cold, detached and I guess I sound more like a ghost than ever, one that brings nightmares upon you and wants to drive you crazy.

"What? No. Don't say that. Paige!"

I turn on my heels and start waling away, feeling emptier than ever. Just a vessel. This feeling of wanting to disappear because you know that's what everyone wants is too familiar to me. I lived with it for so long and I didn't think I would feel like this again when dead. I didn't think I would feel something when being dead. Isn't it supposed to end with death? Why do they cheat us like that? Death isn't the end. It's all a big fat lie.

"Paige, wait!" he calls but I don't obey, I keep walking.

I don't wanna see your face ever again! he shouted. I hear that louder in my head than the words he's screaming.

"Paige!" he tries again and I guess he ran to catch up with me because he walks past me and stops only when he's in front of me, facing me, his arms spread as to stop me.

He didn't touch me. He didn't grab my wrist or anything and he makes sure to keep distance between us. He is careful not to touch me. I notice that.

"I'm sorry, okay? I never meant to make you feel like that or say something like that. I'm really sorry, okay? I take back all I said."

"You don't mean that," I say and he groans, I see him rolling his eyes."I'm annoying you again."

"Paige, please. I'm trying here," he whines, lowering his arms until they touch his sides.

"You don't want to talk to me, you don't want to be my friend and you don't want to answer my questions. You just don't want to feel guilty, isn't that?"

"No, it's not that-"

"Then you wanna be my friend now? You wanna answer my questions? You wanna help me out? Is that correct? Did you have a change of heart?" I insist. I feel cold, like I'm ice. I feel like ice is coming out of my mouth, not words. I don't remember ever acting like this.

James doesn't reply, he looks away and I take that as my answer.

"See? I accept your apology and don't worry, I won't annoy you anymore. Goodbye, James."

And with that, I walk away, embracing myself and trying to feel warm again or at least more like in my body instead of just an empty shell. I hate this feeling. I hate it so much. I want to go back to my normal self. I hate this. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate it.

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My poor baby Paige TT_TT I feel so sorry for her all the time. Anyhow, I'm so glad you're all liking this story and are so eager for the updates. I appreciate your enthusiasm and that you share and recommend the story. I hope you keep doing that!

Dedication to best previous comment: @SiriuslyAmazing

Bel, xx