"I wish mum could see me like you, Luna,"I comment once I'm in my room, petting my black cat.

I don't know how old Luna is; I just know Mum got her to cheer me up back in the day when I was brutally bullied every day. She heard that cats absorb negative energy and are of great help for depressed people. It's not recommended to have puppies around depressed people because they will also be affected and become sad. Cats can handle it better and help the owners, so Mum thought having Luna would help. I think it didn't.

I don't remember how or when I died. It all seems blurry. I think I remember a rope, but I don't know if I actually killed myself, wanted to kill myself, or something else. I do remember how people constantly told me to kill myself and I listened to them, but I don't know if I had the courage to actually do it. I've never been the brave type.

Many things are blurry in my memory, but I do remember how I felt. Happy with my family and miserable at school. I remember the desperation, the heartbreak and sorrow. I remember the frustration because I couldn't understand why people hated me so much, why they treated me in that way.

I've been doing the same thing for so long that I don't know how long I've done it; there's no cue in my body that tells me whether I killed myself or not. It would be helpful if it were like in films, where the ghosts remain as they did when they died. For instance, if I had shot myself I would have a whole in my forehead and loads of blood. Or if I drowned in a well then I would be soaking wet. But no, I look completely normal. I don't have a mark around my neck that could tell me I hung myself and my clothes are clean.

"If Mum could see me she'd be able to tell me what happened to me. Or you should talk like in Sailor Moon, Luna. That'd help, too,"I continue talking.

What little I know is that all animals can see me but for some reason cats seem more willing to approach me than dogs or other animals. They can also touch me and don't complain about it. Luna seems to actually enjoy it and always purrs. I touch people and they seem to react, but I wonder what they feel.

That's another thing I'll ask James tomorrow.

I'm so excited for tomorrow, I don't think I can sleep. Not that I sleep. I don't feel tired or sleepy so I just lie in bed at night, with Luna and everything just blurs until it's morning and I leave the house.

I pretend to have a normal life. I pretend to be alive and do the things I always did when I was alive, although I can't even change my outfit. I've tried, but the moment I turn around after seeing my reflection, the clothes I put on fall to the ground and I'm back in the same dress and denim jacket. Summer, autumn, winter and spring, same clothes every season. But I still pretend every morning like I have a choice and I decide to wear the same outfit instead of feeling forced to do so.

Going to classes is...I don't know. I just go. It's like my body is dragged in that direction and I don't even fight it. What else can I do? Stay alone at home?

So that's what I do the next morning. I pretend I don't have anything better to wear so I go with the same dress and denim jacket. I pretend I don't have time to have breakfast and leave the house in a hurry after wishing Mum a good day at work. Once outside I take my time, walking slowly to college, getting distracted in the way per usual. I've never been known for having a large attention span.

Once in college I go immediately to our studio, hoping to find James alone but he's not around and other kids have arrived already. He only walks in two seconds before Nigel for our Printmaking class.

I realise something when I move to talk to him: he won't answer and he'll ignore me even if he can see me; not just because that seems to be his favourite hobby, but also because we are in the class with everyone around and if he is seen talking to the thin air, then he'll be labeled as the mad new kid. He already has enough rumours without having to give them more ammunition to load the gun.

That is why I decide to stay away from him when people are around-and by away I mean I don't talk to him. It's not like I avoid him or skip class to give him some peace of mind, I just let him be. I'll attack-I mean, talk to him when there aren't people around just to increase the chances that he'll talk to me. I should get some sort of reward for this, to be honest. It's bloody difficult, especially because I'm all itchy to talk to him, knowing that he can actually hear me. That fills me with excitement and I'm practically bouncing in my seat the whole time. I steal some not-so-discrete glances at him but if he notices he does not show it.

Once Art History is done and we are free to work on our assignments, I follow him to his usual spot: the library. The problem is that I didn't count with someone else following him, too.

"James,"Adeline asks him, looping her arm around his as he keeps walking and he doesn't even hide the fact that he is struggling to make her let go of him. "Why are you always avoiding us? Don't you wanna work with us? I know you're still catching up and getting used to the system. I can help you,"she offers.

I follow their trail, walking slowly behind them, with my fingers laced behind my back and making faces at the scene displaying in front of me.

"You're ruining my plans, Adeline. How rude of you. Didn't you receive the memo that I wanted to talk to James? I can't when you're around,"I complain rolling my eyes when she once again loops her arm around his. Can't the girl get it that he doesn't want to be touched?

I notice James tensing and I clasp my mouth shut with my hands because I forgot for a second he can also hear me complaining. He now knows I want to talk to him and I wait for Adeline to leave us alone. Oh, funny boy, now he doesn't fight to get free from the girl next to him. "Is that your plan, James? Are you gonna keep Adeline next to you so I won't talk to you?"I inquire and he doesn't reply, he kelps walking with the girl. I laugh. "At some point I'll just start talking and talking and she'll do the same. Is that what you really want?"

He stops on his tracks but Adeline keeps walking so she ends up jerking when the boy next to her ceases moving.

"Is anything wrong?"she asks and I smirk.

"Yeah, James. Something wrong?"I ask, walking until I end up at his other side. He doesn't turn to see me and I keep smirking.

"Do you wanna go somewhere else?"Adeline asks and he looks at her this time. She, mesmerised by the fact he is actually acknowledging her presence, smiles brightly at him. "Although it's better if we're alone, you know? That way no one can bother us."

"I beg to differ. I'll start dancing on the table if you don't leave,"I state bluntly even raising my hand.

James actually pinches the bridge of his nose and I can't help my smile. I think he isn't that good at ignoring me now. Or maybe I'm getting better at annoying the living days out of him.

If I were alive I would totally put that in my CV as uncanny talent: Paige Samuels, who manages to get a reaction from James Black.

"Hm..."James seems to struggle, looking at her but not saying anymore.

"Her name is Adeline,"I whisper, getting close to him.

"I know!"he hisses, making Adeline frown and I step back, raising my hands in surrender but fighting hard not to laugh.

"What do you know?"she asks with a confused expression and James just sighs heavily.

"Adeline,"he starts and I chuckle. I bet ten pounds that he didn't remember her name until I told him. "I don't work well with people. I'd rather be alone. And I'm capable of managing on my own,"he finally tells her and her eyes widen. I don't think it's because of what he said but because he actually said more than ten words to her.

Should I clap for this achievement?

"I'm just trying to be friendly,"she pouts and I furrow my brow. Is she trying to be sexy?

"I know and I appreciate it, but please, don't."

And that's all he says before grabbing her wrist and making her release his arm. Then he turns around and resumes his way, leaving a surprised and rejected Adeline behind.

"Next time don't pout like that. It makes you look silly,"I say waving goodbye and following James. I catch up with his long strands, my fingers laced behind my back again, my eyes locked on him. "That was an effective way to get rid of her. I congratulate you, mate. I was five seconds away to go all creepy-ghost-from-film on her."

He doesn't say anything.

"And we're back to ignoring, uh? Come on, James. I just wanna talk to someone. I swear to God that if someone else could hear me I wouldn't be bothering you but no one else can do what you can and I'm so lonely and I have so many questions. I need to talk to someone, please. I only have my cat and she can't answer!"I cry, reaching out to grab his arm and make him stop, but he moves faster and avoids me.

He stops walking and turns to face me, his eyes fierce on me and now they look dark blue.

"I've been ignored by everyone for so long that I can't even remember how long is that. It feels like an eternity since someone actually looked me in the eyes like you're doing now, even if it's to look daggers at me. Please, don't ignore me."

He still doesn't say anything but if I could feel physical pain, I'm sure his glare would cause me chest pain or something.

"James, I beg of you,"I try again, my hand reaching to touch him but he snaps and shoves it off.

"Don't touch me. Don't talk to me. Don't follow me. Do you understand? I don't care if you're lonely and desperate for a friend. I don't wanna be your friend,"he says in the coldest tone that actually makes me shiver.

"I know and I'm not asking you to be my friend, although that would be great because I never had a friend before and even less now that I'm dead but that's not the point,"I ramble. "I'm just asking you for a favour, James. To answer some of my questions and help me out."

He laughs. Not that, ha ha ha that's so funny type of laughter but more like ha! You're insane. Get out of my face type of laughter.

"You're all the same,"he mumbles and I frown, confused with his words. "But you're more annoying than anyone I've met before."

I look down, feeling hurt with his words, even if I'm conscious I'm being annoying.

"Can you blame me? It's not like I chose to be here today, stuck and all alone, isolated from everything and everyone. Talking like this, pretending to still have a life is all I have left."

"Go annoy someone else! Don't you understand? It's not just that you're a ghost, it's that you're the most annoying creature on Earth. Not even if you were alive I would want to talk to you. You're a stalker and you don't get the concept of personal space and the meaning of no. You do what you want and ignore what I want,"he snaps rather loudly and I look around, wondering if someone heard him. We're almost in the library but luckily for him, no one is around and no one comes out. "Get this, Paige. I don't wanna talk to you and I don't wanna see your face. You're fucking annoying and you just give me a headache. I won't help you and I won't answer any of your questions. Go and stalk someone else. Find another ghost or whatever. I don't wanna see your face ever again!"he cries out and I take a few steps back, feeling like his words are slapping and punching and kicking me.

I stumble and trip on my own feet, landing on my bum on the floor and James gasps but I can't react. I still hear his words echoing around me. He takes a step forward, almost as if he were to help me but then stops himself. I cover my mouth with my hands and start feeling like I'm choking. That need to cry eats me alive but that I can't fill it.

"Paige I-"

"You didn't need to be that-that cruel,"I stutter. I take a deep breath that doesn't help at all, but it's a reflex before I get back on my feet and then wrap my arms around my waist. "Believe me, if I had another choice I wouldn't be here. I'm sorry for bothering you,"I breathe out, choking on my own words. He looks remorseful, but I don't care. I'm feeling too hurt to care. "You're a twat."And with that, I turn around and run away.

_____________

How was that? I hope you liked it and sorry I didn't update yesterday but I wasn't home. I didn't eve have reception. But on a happy note, Happy Easter! I hope you had a good day.

Dedication to @PooBoo for a great comment. Connecting The Carrier and this was clever.

Bel, xx