I was scared, nervous and unsure. Couldn't James show me a little bit more of support instead of scolding me like that? Okay, so maybe I did something wrong, but it wasn't consciously done, I was driven by the panic of the moment. I was still shaky and confused, but he didn't give me time to recover before rubbing in my face the thing I did wrong.

And still! I thought we had this settled. Why is it so terrible if I stay forever? It's not like I can die again, I'm already dead. What else do I have to lose?

Is it so wrong that I want him to hold on to me even tighter?

As I hug my legs with my back pressed to the door of the main room, that is all I can think of. How I just want him to want me around as much as I want to stay with him. But he always has an excuse, some fear, and I'm honestly starting to believe he doesn't want me to stay with him. Maybe he's scared, maybe such a serious commitment is a terrifying thing, especially for a guy. Perhaps I'm asking too much of him, what normal seventeen-year-old guy would want to commit himself to a ghost girl until the very end?

All sort of insecurities don't cease to attack me, from every direction, ruthless until I don't know what to think or to feel. I thought I had everything sorted out, my decision made and everything else clear, but now my head is in a haze and I don't know where to turn, which direction in order to escape this.

"Paige? Are you there?" a voice asks from the other side, accompanied by a soft knock. "Paige, let's talk."

"I don't think there's anything else to say," I reply, although my face is still between my knees, hence why my answer sounds muffled.

"Of course there is!" he shouts, startling me. "You always decide what I say or think, you never let me explain things to you! You put words in my mouth and you need to stop doing that! Right now you're thinking I don't want you with me and you couldn't be more wrong about it!"

I lift my head a bit, blinking in surprise because James has never talked to me like that. Only once he shouted at me with such rage in his voice, only once he sounded as fed up with me as he does now. Right after I discovered he could see me, and he realised I was a ghost. When he hurt me so deep with insults and cruel words, telling me to get lost because he didn't want me around.

The memory, something that happened so long ago, hurts. All that I felt back then comes to me mercilessly. James is angry with me right now, and I don't even know what to do.

"I don't want you away from me," he says next, his voice sounding weak, shaky, almost broken. "I can't even describe how much the mere thought hurts, but I'm just so scared of what might happen to you." There's a soft thump against the door, I think he's just banged his head against the wood, or something like that. I stand up, feeling still so feeble and out of my element, but I manage to face the wall and press my hand against it. I don't know if he has his at the other side or anything, but doing this soothes my heart somehow. "Ghosts aren't supposed to be here. Ghosts exist because their time on Earth was cut short, because they weren't supposed to die so soon. That means... that means you're not supposed to be here if you learnt your lesson already. And I'm scared that something might happen to you now that you're not just staying because you haven't finished your business but because you're overstaying."

"What could happen to me?" I say, my voice low and fragile, like his. "I'm already dead."

"You think that's the worst that could happen?!" snaps James. "Do you know what happened to you when you disappeared for a week? Where did you go back then?" I can't answer that and he knows it, that week is completely gone from my memory, not even a slight recollection of where I went or what I became during that time. "What if something like that happens again, permanently?"

I gulp, my eyes widening at the possibility. There's a difference between unknown and nothing, and I can't tell exactly what's more terrifying right now. Both options chill me to the bone and fill me with dread, so much that I feel like crying and calling for my mum, as if I were three years old.

"I'm scared something worse could happen to you, Paige. If I... If I could secure you somehow, if I could find a way to make sure you'll be all right, I'd give anything. I'm just... I'm assuming that crossing over is what you should do, the natural course, even if that... even if that takes you way from me."

His voice is so strangled, so broken and painful that it feels like my own heart is being ripped off my chest. A trembling squeak escapes me before I slam the door open, making James almost fall because he was indeed leaning against the wood. The moment he looks up after regaining his balance, and our eyes meet, I can see the bloodshot eyes, the tears streaming down his cheeks and all that angst consuming him from within. I know this time he is not crying for me, those tears are only his, a reflection of his pain. Yet... yet I'm still part of why he's crying.

Hesitantly, trembling, my hand reaches out for him, not really daring to touch him for fear I might make things worse, although comforting him, taking his pain away, is all I have in my head right now. But James doesn't care if I might hurt him or take all his energy with me, he only cares about getting to me. He grabs my hand and pulls me until I'm trapped in his arms, so tightly that if I were a human I wouldn't be able to breathe.

I close my eyes and think of only taking all that pain, fear and uncertainty from him. I want to take all what's bad and keep it with me because I know how to handle it. It's basically the only thing I'm good at.

I don't know if this works or James just refuses to let me go, but we stay like that for a while. Eventually, our legs give out and we end up on the floor, but not even then he loosens the grip on me.

"What are we going to do?" I ask feebly, my face in the crook of his neck.

"I don't know. Pray that nothing bad happens? Hope that the worst case scenario is that you can't ever cross over?" he suggests, but I know it pains him to barely suggest that. He doesn't want me to lose that, and I guess that if we traded places and he were the ghost, then I would think the same.

"I guess time will tell."

The problem is that time does tell us indeed, and time also happens to be part of the problem that threatens us now. Time is what we don't seem to have now. Oh the irony, at some point I thought I had all the time of the world, I thought I had forever.

When you're young you think, and are told, you have your whole life ahead. But life is so unpredictable... an so is death.

No matter where I am, even if I'm with my hand buried in my ashes or resting on my desk, I'm still fading away. My energy, whatever I was made of, starts escaping me. It's like everything takes twice or even thrice to accomplish, I can't focus and do more than one task at the same time. If I want to touch something I can only do that. Talking or anything else stays at the back of my mind because trying to not go through things is taking all of me.

I think I'm becoming a creepy ghost, the type that is weak and kind of translucent. I feel like I'm disappearing and that is more horrifying than I can put in words. James is freaking out, every passing minute he gets more worried. He can see how I'm slipping away, too fast for his hand to grab me and hold me. And I can't deny it's happening because I don't even have the energy to lie.

James' eyes scream words he does not need to tell, I can read them clearly in his blue gaze: 'I knew it was wrong.' And yes, he is right. I did wrong when I refused to go, and the consequences started that very moment, I just thought it was the shock, but since the moment the Reaper left, I started to get weaker.

We had to come back and even go to college, thinking that could help, but it didn't. I was still getting weaker, and James more frantic.

On the first day I have trouble doing most normal things like walking or just keeping a conversation. On the second day I can't focus for more than ten minutes on a single thing. By the third day I can't touch James. By the fourth I can't even stand up. By the fifth, I can't leave my desk, which is the biggest drawback because James can't stay there with me. By the sixth day James can't take it anymore.

"There must be a way!" he shouts, only desperation dripping from his voice. "You can't just... fade way like this. It's happening too quick. We need to stop this."

I can't really reply, it takes too much energy. I'm just lying on my desk, eyes closed, listening to his voice that seems to be too far away although he's in front of me.

"Paige, please... something, there must be something. I can't... I can't watch you like this." His voice breaks and I don't need to see him to know he's tearing up again. He's been doing that quite often, in sheer terror of what's happening to me, overcome by frustration for not being able to do anything to stop it

"I... did wrong," I mumble, barely intelligible. "I should've... gone... with... it." I try to smile, or I think I do.

The irony of my existence, doing everything too late. Learning to let it go, but too late. Learning to follow the natural course, but too late.

"I... regret...it."

"Paige," he whimpers, there's such a painful edge to his voice.

I use everything I have left to open my eyes and meet his. I don't think I'll be able to do this again and if I'm fading away, if this is the last bit I have with James, then I want to look him in the eyes.

"I wish... I wish I had gone with him. I would... I would at least... wait for you there. Wherever that is."

"Paige," he says with a broken voice, there's so much pain in the way he calls my name. It's such a big difference from when he said it so cheerfully before, so lovingly. Now it's filled with sadness and fear.

"I'm sorry," I mutter, wishing I could touch him one last time, but I can't even lift my hand, let alone touch him.

The energy around us shifts, buzzing and sizzling. James also feels it, he visually tenses up and stays alert, like looking for whatever is now with us. It takes me three seconds to understand that this has happened already, I felt this before. I'm not even surprised when I look past James and I see that creature, blurry and kind of creepy, like it were just made of light being reflected but not quite clear. It is intimidating but calling, and this time it doesn't scare me.

"Have you changed your mind?" the Grim Reaper asks, smiling at me. I think of my mum, of how much easier it would if this creature were her. "Your mother is waiting for you, Paige," he adds, as if he could read my thoughts.

I gasp, and so does James, turning around and watching with eyes wide open the blurry creature in front of us.

"You can come with me if you want. If you don't, you only have one day left," the Grim Reaper says. "It'll be okay, I can help you."

"Help her," James blurts out desperately before I can say a thing. "Please, help her."

The Grim Reaper takes a step closer, the energy becoming stronger, making me feel stronger, too. It's like the creature is giving me back the vitality I lost. And the Reaper doesn't stop until it's next to me, its hand on my shoulder, fixing it all.

One touch, that's all it takes.

It's soothing, it's relaxing and so peaceful. It's warm and light, cheerful and welcoming. I feel like I have never felt before, all the pain, all the angst I carried with me for so long is gone and I'm myself again, I feel alive again. My mind is clear and I have no fear, I know I'll be okay. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I'm certain it's the place I have to go, where my mother is waiting for me and where I'll wait for James.

I look at him, the boy crying in fear for me, looking at us with such terrified eyes. I can sit up straight, I can smile and I can talk.

"I have to go," I say, looking only at him. "I really have to. I can't stay longer."

"I know," he whimpers, brushing the tears with the back of his hand, trying to pull himself together. "I know."

"I'll be okay and so will you," I say next. James has been kneeling in front of my desk the whole time, so I just have to lean forward to cup his face in my hand. He closes his eyes and I know this time it's not cold, or painful. This time is warm and loving, like every time he touched me. It's finally equal for the two of us. "I'll be waiting for you, we'll meet again."

"I'm going to miss you so much," he confesses. There's no fight, he knows he has to let me go now because I can't stay. He's prepared himself for this as I was fading away, he made a choice back then, now he's just seeing that decision happening. "Every day."

"You'll be in my mind every day, too. Don't rush, okay? Your time will come and we'll meet each other again. Be careful, live fully. There's so much for you," I tell him because I know it.

It's not like I can see the future or that I have all knowledge now, it's more like a certainty in my heart. I know he'll be fine, he'll do great and that we'll meet again. And I know it because his soul and mine are connected, because we come in a set, because no matter what, we were supposed to meet. And we'll do that, over and over again. We've done it before, even if we can't remember.

James nods, accepting my requests, promising to do as told. "I love you, Paige. I'm so... thankful that I transferred here, that I met you."

"I love you, too," I reply, because now, as I'm about to leave, I feel this love stronger than ever, so powerful and overwhelming. So lasting. "And I thank you for everything. You guided and helped me to find myself again."

"I won't forget you," he promises, slow and painful tears falling down. I brush them with my thumb as I smile at him, reassuringly, lovingly.

"I love you, James Black. You gave me life even after I gave up on it. Come back to me when it's time," I tell him at what he nods before standing up.

"I will," he promises.

I stand up, too. Leaving my desk and breaking the connection I had with it. I died there and now I'm definitely leaving. I shouldn't have done that, it wasn't my call, but I paid the price and eventually learnt my lesson. The natural course of actions was restored, I can cross over now.

One step closer, then another and I'm in James' arms, tightly wrapped, and it's the warmest hug we've ever had. I can feel him sighing in delight. I try to give him all the reassurance I can, all the love I have for him.

"I love you," he whispers in my ear yet once again, so I nod before pulling a bit back, enough to meet his eyes.

"Goodbye, James. I'll see you again," I bid him with a smile, brushing his tears away one last time.

He doesn't say anything, he just leans down and kisses me for the last time, and I close my eyes, kissing him back, knowing it will never be like this again. The next time we meet he'll be like me. So for now I melt in his warmth and love, I drown in his essence, and I know it's the same for him.

When we pull back and break the kiss, he's smiling sadly at me.

"Goodbye, Paige," he whispers as I start stepping back. He holds my hand, reluctant to let it go so our arms stretch till their limit, until only our fingertips brushing. Till I'm back with the Grim Reaper who has waited for me to say my goodbye. I turn to look at it, the smile still on its blurry lips.

"I'm ready," I tell the creature and it nods. One last look at James, whose tears can't stop falling, whose lips are tightly pressed together, but who is still holding it all in. "I love you," I say one last time before the hand of the Grim Reaper is back on my shoulder, filling me with peace and certainty.

We turn around, the energy around us buzzing with a new life, a new existence that awaits for me. I take a first step towards it, leaving James behind. But that's okay, it's only temporal, we'll see each other again. Soul mates are always supposed to find each other, and that's what James and I are.

James gave me back the life that was crushed. Time will fill the absence I leave in his life, but when we meet again it'll be different, because for every other soul with us, we will exist. James, I and our love will be seen.

⋙⋘

Worry not! Although this is the final chapter, there's still an epilogue coming next. And the mini-sequel covers the space between this chapter and the epilogue, so I hope you all will read it. I'll post the description after this, so look for ABSENT once done reading this and add it to your library, you'll get the first chapter next week, along with the first for CRUSHED.

Dedication to chanilikesbooks. Thank you and every other dedicated reader.

Bel, xx

~epilogue on Friday. Sequel on Monday~