His smile is radiant and oh so happy. James forgets about Clyde and focuses all his attention on me, cupping my face in his hand. I lean closer in the warmth of his touch. As he can feel my emotions I'm pretty sure he was aware of my feelings even before I acknowledged them, but it still makes him happy that I say it out loud. I don't know exactly what is that makes it important, to utter those three words. They don't really change anything, not technically speaking, but at the same time they change a lot.

"And I love you, too," he replies, kissing my forehead.

"What if..." I start, feeling hesitant but going for it anyway. "What if I stay with you? If I don't cross over?"

That's something that's been in my mind for a while, the chance to stay with him. I know my mother is waiting for me, hopefully, but I'm happy here with James. I feel loved and accepted, I don't have to deal with bullies and I do feel like I am alive, despite the irony that I am a ghost. I feel terrible for saying this, but I'm happier now than when I had my parents, when I was alive. I know they loved me, but maybe I was faulty or too immature, maybe too weak, or maybe the bullying and constant harassment was too much for one person alone. Even if my parents always showed me how much I meant to them, they couldn't measure up to the bullies. Right now, James is the only one that loves me, and he only has to fight the loneliness that comes with being a ghost. It's not that hard, he just needs to stay with me to push all that away and fix everything that's wrong. Just a smile of his and I feel good, warm emotions coming to me, wrapping me like his arms do. James only needs to touch me to push the hatred and resentment to the back of my heart. It is possible to let go of the grudge I hold, but only when I have him to focus on, when there's love to give and receive. If I don't have him, then that thirst for revenge and justice is all I have, hence all I hold on to.

If I can't move on, if I have to be in this world, then I want to be with James. But I can't be certain that he'll want to stay with me forever. I only have him, he's my only option, but for him it's very different. He has a world of opportunities and options, he can choose. I only have two paths I can possibly follow, one leads to him, the other to my mother. Right now, I'm thinking of choosing him, even if that breaks my heart. But if I chose my mother then it means leaving James behind and that hurts more, so much more.

That is why making choices is so hard. Because it hurts, because no matter what, you're losing something. At the end it's not about what you win at the end, it's about what you give up on. You chose letting go of that one that hurts less, and stay with the one that hurts the most to let go. And at the end, if you can live without that one, then you did well at letting it go.

Right now I think that I can live without my mother. After all, that's a natural thing, to leave the nest and make your own. But I don't think I can live without James, even if I'm not really living.

I don't think I can exist without James. Leaving him behind, breaking his heart and leaving him all alone hurts more than not ever seeing my mother again.

"What?" He asks, confused that I'm bringing that up now.

"That. Me, staying here with you. Would that be that bad?"

James doesn't react at first, I think he's too surprised and is still thinking about it, trying to process my words and find the best way to answer without making a mistake. It's a delicate subject, so he's only being careful. Or that I hope.

"Are you giving up crossing over?" James inquires next, his brow slightly furrowed in concentration. "Is that what you're suggesting?"

"No," I shake my head. "Yes." I frown, confused. "Maybe? I mean... would it be that bad if I don't try to find my lesson and I just... continue like this?" James doesn't say anything, he just stares at me. I don't think I'm making enough sense for him to follow me. "I mean..." I take a deep breath, trying to sort my thoughts out and put them out there for him. "Every time I think of just... leaving you, it breaks me. You know when you feel like you're drowning and you're desperate for air? Your lungs burn and you can't even see? Well, kind of like that. But instead of water or lack of oxygen, it's just all that... hatred in me. Without you, it consumes me. Maybe it's me being selfish, but I want to stay with you. I want to feel happy, even if it's when I'm just a ghost. I couldn't have something like this when I was alive, this peace and love... and now I don't want to give it up."

I look down, feeling embarrassed for exposing my fears and those aspects that make me so weak and dependent. I'm actually confessing I need him to be happy because I can't do that on my own. How pathetic is that? That's probably why I couldn't deal with the bullies, why they took away the life in me... because I'm weak like that. Because I can't stand on my own.

I don't think that's a crime, though, not everyone has to be strong and independent. It would be good if it were like that, if every one was strong enough... but I am not like that. I need James and I don't want to give him up, even if that makes me pathetic and selfish. I just want to be happy. How do I know that I'll feel like I do when I'm with James when I cross over? Is it wrong wanting to stay where I'm all right and content? Is that really a crime? People always speak of leaving the comfort zone, but why do I have to leave a place where I'm satisfied in?

"It kills me thinking about that, too," James says, moving his hand to grab my chin and make me look at him again. "I don't want to lose you, ever. But... is that wise?"

"I don't know," I honestly reply. "That's why I'm asking, what if. Would you... would you like that? Can we start with that first?"

James smiles fondly at me, easing away a bit of my insecurities and fears. "I would, very much. I honestly don't need anyone else buy you. I don't even want to think about the days when you won't be with me. But I don't want to... jeopardise your li— your existence in any way. Can you really stay here with me?"

"I've been here as a ghost for fifteen years already, and aside from forgetting, nothing more has happened. If you stay with me, I won't forget your face or you, like I didn't forget Mum," I think out loud, James nods along, probably agreeing my my theory. "If my lesson is really forgiving, then I might not be able to do it. And if that happens, then I could... I could stay with you."

"Although I like the idea of you staying with me, I don't think it's wise. You shouldn't give up on learning your lesson," he tries saying and his expression, the way his eyes stare into mine, tell me this doesn't please him. It hurts him saying this, just like it hurts me thinking one day we'll have to part ways.

A fear I have, one that really scares me, is that if I ever cross over I'll forget him. I'll forget everything because why would I need to remember? What if I cease existing as I am, what if I'm not Paige Samuels anymore but just a soul and I can't even recall James' face? What happens then? Then it would only be what we have now. As a ghost I forgot many things, many faces. What do I become when I cross over? What will I forget then? What will I keep with me?

That scares me enormously.

"I don't want to leave you," I whine, feeling my voice breaking with fear and apprehension. "I know..." I add before he can open his mouth. "I know it's almost impossible for me to stay with you. What can you do here? You need to go to uni and get a job. Will you grow older and lose all your chances at life because of me? Someone who can't even grow older with you? You'll become an adult and I'll be stuck as a teenager forever. But I want to, I want to stay with you forever. Why is it so hard?"

James doesn't say anything, he just grabs me in his arms and pulls me for a tight hug. I wish I could cry, but all that comes from me are the sounds. My face is dry, my eyes only burn with the memory of what it feels to cry.

"I want that, too. I want it so much. I want you by my side every day, even if we can't grow older together. Even if it means missing many things. I'd choose you over anything, except your own life."

"But we don't even know if it'd be dangerous for me!" I refute. That's the thing with us, we don't know many things, it's always just guessing what could happen and what we should do. "Maybe nothing will happen to me. Maybe I'll just stay the same forever and ever."

"And if something happens?" James counterattacks, and I shake my head.

"If nothing happens... if it just meant forgetting a few things, what would you say then?" I ask him, because I need to know that. "Hypothetically speaking."

"Then I would hold you forever. Even if it means I have to work from here and never leave Street. Even if I can't go to uni or anything. I would choose you, over everything else. And somehow, I'd manage. I'd take online courses and maybe get a job from home. Who knows? It could work. I don't need to be successful. I never really expected anything from life, Paige. I had no ambitions, I was just... going with the flow. Besides, if I leave this place and you, more ghosts would follow me like before. I'm sure that it's because of you that it's been so quiet for me, but the moment you'r not around, it'll be hell again. I'll have to shut everyone out once again." My heart twists at the loneliness of that situation. I hate that, I hate so much that he doesn't have anyone else. We are both so alone without the other. "The only real ambition I have right now is you; keeping you with me. And you talking like this is making me so greedy. If you keep saying these things I won't be able to let you go, Paige."

"Don't let me go, then," I plead in a small voice. "Let's stay like this."

I have to shut my eyes so tightly, because as soon as I say that I can't stand how selfish I am. It's beyond the limit, because I'm costing him so much with my own greed. A degree, a good job, a family. He never had one, his parents left him always alone, but he could change that. He could be a good father... but he'll never be that if he stays with me.

These are things so normal for people, they came with growing up, and I'm taking them all from James.

"What about your Mum?" he asks, his voice sounding as conflicted as I feel.

I really want to stay with him, but it isn't an easy choice. There's so much at stake, for both him and I. We both lose something when choose one another, and because we love each other, what the other loses also hurts us. It's a double loss, that's how it feels.

One can endure one's pain and accept the consequences of one's choices, live with the losses... because that's what one's decided. But when we are the cause of someone else's loss... of someone we love, then it becomes harder. It's carrying with your pain and someone else's, because you're responsible.

It's so much harder.

"Can you really give up on your mum?" he insists, and I close my eyes tightly.

It hurts so much to think about her and never seeing her again, because I think that if I stay with James I'll never cross over. Even when he dies and moves on, I'll never move on. If I give up on learning my lesson when I'm with him, then I'm giving up on that forever because I won't find someone else to help me in the future. And just how it happened before I met James, I'll forget. I'll be stuck, repeating forever, without James. For as long as James lives, I'm giving up my entirety.

"I—" my voice fails me, because it just hurts so deeply. It's unfair, so unfair that I have to give up on one to have the other. If it's my Mum, then I leave James. And if it's James, then I give up on my mother. Either way, I'm shattering my soul. "It hurts more giving up on you."

"It's not easy, is it?" he asks, a smile that has no hint of amusement or happiness. It's sad, defeated.

"When has making decisions been an easy thing? That is why we avoid them so much and would want someone else to make them and take responsibility for them, because it hurts. Because it's scary."

James chuckles, pulling me closer again, letting me rest my face in the crook of his neck.

"It also hurts more letting you go, but I don't want you to ever resent me for giving up on your mother," James confesses. I can feel him breathing, I can hear the beating of his heart. It's fast, scared, anxious.

"And I don't want you to resent me for stopping you from having a normal life." I smile sadly, realising how similar our fears and concerns are "Do you think you'd ever resent me for that?" I ask, pulling back again, just to look him in the eyes.

He shakes his head as he cups my cheek with his left hand. "I think it's impossible, because I'm choosing you, and I'm aware of what I'm giving up to keep you with me. What about you? Would you resent me when you keep missing your Mum, knowing she's waiting for you?"

I wish I could answer as fast as he did, but I have to think about it. It breaks me, I feel like I'm being torn apart, but at the end... it takes just a look into his eyes to know the answer.

"I wouldn't... because I'm choosing you, and I'm aware of what I'm giving up to stay by your side." He smiles, stroking my skin with his thumb.

"Then... does that mean we've made a choice? Are you sure?" he asks one more time, and I can feel the slight tremble of his hand.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm staying with you," I affirm, as confidently as I can, smiling bright and hoping this is the right decision, hoping we can be happy together like this. Hoping the price for this choice is something we can pay at the end.

>>>·<<<

Aish, this is really building up for its ending... Good thing I'll write Crushed and Absent after this, it'll be a good way to close the whole picture. What do you think of their decision? What are your fears?

Dedication to Little-miss-giggles I really love when silent readers show up :)

Bel, xx

~updates every Monday~