I pull back when I feel James shivering. Even if it feels warm and like being alive when I'm in his arms, it's not the same for him. Maybe it isn't painful right now, but it's cold. He doesn't let me retract much, though, still prisoner in his arms. He looks at me with soft caring eyes and a lazy smile. He looks happy and for a second that makes me forget that his face looks paler than usual and his lips have a bluish tone. He is really cold, it's almost as if I have stolen his warmth.

"You're cold," I state the obvious.

"Well, kissing a ghost has its drawbacks. It can't be all rainbows and unicorns," he teases, pecking my lips as if a way to reinforce his statement. "That was quite the experience."

"I'm sorry," I apologise, even trying to pull back but he doesn't let me.

"I didn't mean it in a bad way, Paige. Don't apologise. It was just... different." He chuckles and I see his cheeks blushing, bringing a bit of colour to his face. "I thought about this a lot, I must confess. Like, I realised my feelings a while back and I wasn't sure what could happen. I didn't even know if I could kiss you. I'm glad I can." He cups my face in his right hand, looking at me with such warm eyes. "It's so easy to forget you are... a ghost, 'cos you feel so real in my arms. I know that if anyone could see us would think I'm crazy or schizophrenic, but it feels so real and tangible. Just a bit cold. Next time I'll kiss you by the fire, and away from everyone else so I'm not sent to the asylum.."

I'm once again thankful I can't blush because I'm certainly feeling embarrassed right now. He says 'next time' so naturally and I'm not sure how to react to that. The weight of these events hasn't even fully sinked in yet, and I'm scared of how overwhelming that might be. Love or any sort of relationship is something I never contemplated before, not even when I was alive and now that I'm dead I have no idea how that might work out. Can it even work out?

"Hey, look at me," James says, breaking through my train of thoughts, probably feeling the change in my emotions. "Calm down, don't freak out. We'll take this slowly. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Nothing? How can you say that?' I snap, tensing and surprising him. "I'm a ghost and you're human. I don't exist for anyone else but you. How can you not be scared of that? What's even the point of something that is impossible? And I have to cross over, I can't stay here forever, watching you grow older until you also die and leave me behind."

"Paige, please, calm down. We'll think about that later. Just stay with me on this moment and we'll figure out the future later on. I'll still help you fulfil your unfinished business, and to cross over even if that means breaking my own heart. But I don't want to lose this moment for that."

Even if I can't feel his emotions like he feels mine, I can read the sincerity and desperation in his voice. So I calm down for him, pushing aside all my worries and fears. I try to ignore the dark emotions that still lurk in my head, emotions that will only hurt him. Instead, I focus on being in his arms and what I feel for him. What he makes me feel. I let him comfort me. I need to have a better control of my own emotions if I hope to stay by his side a little while more.

But he soon shivers more constantly and I know I have to break the embrace. Even if he tries to stop me, he's too cold to offer more resistance so I win. I go to his room and look for blankets to wrap around him. I also prepare hot chocolate and turn up the heating system for him. I sit next to him but without touching him, just waiting until he warms up again.

Without his arms around me and his breathing in my neck my walls crumble down and everything comes back at me with the strength of a tsunami, the waves of angst and sorrow swallowing me from within. It's not only the hatred, loneliness and pain I died with, it's also the disappointment for seeking a wrong path and leaving my Mum to die alone. It's the heartbreaking agony of losing my mum, knowing I won't see her until I solve my business here, until I learn whatever experience and lesson my soul was supposed to. I wonder what would happen if I don't do anything at all, if I wait... will I stay for as long as I was supposed to live? If I was supposed to live until I was, for instance, eighty-five, then that means I'd have to stay for another fifty-three years. Another fifty-three years just like this. Here but not quite.

I don't think I can endure that.

I don't even know if the whole concept of heaven and hell exist, but I'm inclined to believe hell is the world we live in and being trapped here as a ghost is the worst kind pf punishment.

I'm so happy Mum didn't have to go through that. So happy she crossed over immediately even if it means I might never see her again. I would never want her to exist like this, even if we were together. Being stuck is a torture, not being able to move on like everyone else around, not being able to be part of the world you once belonged to.

"I'm so glad you moved here, James," I say, being completely honest. I wouldn't have anyone to talk if it weren't for him, I wouldn't even remember what happened and I would've ended all by my self when my mum's time arrived. I wouldn't have had anyone to hold me and tell me it wasn't my fault.

"I'm glad I moved here and I met you. I'm glad you nagged me and never left me alone at first," he laughs.

"I was really annoying, wasn't I?" I ask, looking at him. We are still in the living room of his flat, with our backs resting on the sofa but still sitting on the floor instead of on the very sofa.

"A bit," he chuckles. "But I grew fond of your babbling. It was so quiet when you weren't around. I missed you immediately. I thought I had gone crazy for missing a ghost."

"I'm like mould: I grow on you without noticing."

James laughs and grimaces at the same time. "That's disgusting but accurate. You're really one of a kind."

"If it weren't because you've met many other ghosts I'd say it's because I'm dead, but you ruined that pun." He still laughs though, so I guess it doesn't matter. "I know you don't like much talking about the past, but can you tell me a bit more about your experiences with other ghosts? I don't know if it'l help but I'd like to know more about you, as well. I feel like we've only focused on my unfinished business."

"Is there something in particular you'd like to know?" he asks me and I give it a though.

"What did they exactly did to you to hate ghosts?" I ask, because that's been on my mind since the beginning. "You said they hurt you."

James rounds his shoulder, sinking deeper in the cocoon of blankets I made for him. His expression turns serious and I guess it is because he's reminiscing the past, looking for those memories he surely doesn't like thinking about. I feel bad for asking him this, for causing him this kind of pain, but I also think its good if he tells someone else about this, someone who doesn't think him crazy for seeing ghosts.

"They are always lonely so the moment they figure out someone can hear them, they become obsessive. Some weren't that difficult, especially when I was a kid. They probably knew I couldn't do much for them and they just wanted to talk. I met kid ghosts and they just wanted to play or find their parents. Once I met a kid ghost who wouldn't stop crying because he couldn't find his parents. He followed me home, crying the whole time. I couldn't sleep or concentrate. I was fourteen by then," he explains and I know I should worry more about James, show my sympathy for him, but I can't.

Why was a kid stuck as a ghost? I doubt he killed himself so maybe he was killed, without his parents. Maybe he died crying, terrified, and my heart breaks when I imagine that. I wonder if that kid found his parents or if he is still crying somewhere.

"Because I couldn't concentrate or sleep or eat, I had to move. I literally ran away."

I know I shouldn't feel disappointed in James for what he did, for abandoning that child, but I can't help it. I don't know if I could've ever done that, I would've probably stayed with that kid, trying to stop him from crying and helped him find his parents again. But maybe that's my sympathy because I'm just like that child.

"Every time I moved it was because a ghost. They don't tend to be violent, but some are. Vicious even." I get chills going down my spine when he says that. "I was probably nine or eight when I saw something I should've ignored. I was playing outside and noticed a man following a person. I'm not sure what made me notice him, or even throw a rock at him. Maybe it was the way he looked or something. The rock went through him, but that alerted him of my presence." He stops for a moment to take a breath before continuing. "I remember his smirk, the eyes and the fear I felt. I ran but he followed me. I screamed and kept running, and I guess people just thought I was crying because I hurt myself or something, 'cos no one helped me or they didn't have time to help me. The ghost grabbed me and threw me to the street when a car was coming. Thank goodness the driver reacted fast and hit the break, otherwise I wouldn't be telling this story now."

"Oh my God!" I gasp, covering my mouth with my hands in shock and horror.

"I got a few broken bones, bruises and an internal bleeding, but I survived. I was in the hospital for a few days and believe me, that's the worst place for someone who can see ghosts. I avoid them the best I can since then."

"That's horrible, James. I'm so sorry," I say although it wasn't my fault, but it was by one of my kind.

"That was probably the worst experience, that ghost really wanted to kill me. The other things that have happened are ghost that got angry because I didn't want to help them or ignored them. They would mess with me, hide or destroy my things. They often pushed me or tripped me. Once I fell off the stairs because a ghost tripped me. Needless to say that ghost never showed up in front of me again after what she did. She probably didn't mean it, but still, I got bruised ribs and a sprained ankle."

"Oh dear, no wonder you hated me at first."

"The best way to avoid all those kind of things was avoiding everyone. If I did react to anyone then I was safe from reacting to a ghost's presence," he explains and I can't blame him for that. I can't blame him for running away from ghosts or for hating me at first. I can only feel sorry for the boy that had to go through all that alone.

"When I was a baby I would get sick very often, and I was always cold. I guess it was because of ghosts, as well. I was told that when I was three I ended in the hospital because I was near hypothermia. No one understood why. I think probably a ghost didn't let go of me. Maybe a mother, you know? Missing her child so she grabbed me."

I want to touch him, to offer him some comfort like he did with me, but I'll only make him colder, if I don't hurt him with my emotions as well.

"I'm so sorry," I repeat because there's nothing else I can do or say for him. He smiles at me, a bit sad because it's been charged with painful memories. I can only imagine how many more of those stories there must be in his mind, of every time a ghost hurt him. I can't blame him for wanting to shut everyone out and just wanting to be left alone.

"Would it make me an idiot if I say I'm glad all that happened?" I frown, very confused by his words. "For starters all that led me here, to you. Besides, I can kind of understand what it feels to be bully like you were. The difference is that I was bullied by ghosts and you by living people."

"Let's not figure out who had it worst, please," I beg and he nods, leaning on to me until he rests his head on my shoulder. I freeze, and then slowly focus on only his presence. I let this love overflow so I won't hurt him.

"We have each other now. It's okay," he murmurs and I have to agree. It isn't all bad, somehow we found each other. We were both very lonely for different circumstances, but now it's different. He has someone to lean on, even if it's cold, and I have him.

"We're okay," I confirm, a small smile playing on my lips as I rest my head on his.

>>>·<<<

Well, we got to see a bit more of James' past. Did you enjoy the chapter?

I want to thank everyone for that incredible enthusiasm showed in the previous chapter. It's been a long time since I read so many comments for one chapter alone. Thank you!

Remember you can contact me easily on twitter if you have any question or want to share something. You find me as BelWatson there too.

Dedication to friskytales 

Bel, xx

NU: Monday