I'm not sure how I get back to James' flat. Whether he dragged me or I followed him, I don't know. I just know we are here when James says so. That is the moment my knees give out and I end up on the floor. I can't cry, I don't even shake, I just stay there, numb.

Is this how my mum felt during fifteen years? Did she live like this?

"Mum," I whisper once again, my heart breaking at the thought she's gone, I couldn't save her. It's all my fault, now she's dead because I lost focus of what matters most.

If I... If I had been home instead of seeking for Diana this wouldn't have happened. And what did I get from scaring her? I didn't really fulfil my unfinished business, I can't even go with Mum to wherever this different realm is. She's gone, forever. And I'm still here.

I know she said it wasn't my fault. I remember how she thanked me for being by her side. But that doesn't take all the guilt away, all the sorrow because I've lost my mother. And I know the irony of being like this when a part of me should be happy that my mum could see me, that we are the same now. But no, it's not the same. I'm a soul that's being held for killing herself before her due time, whereas my mum is a soul that left to rest already because she did nothing wrong. I can't even see her anymore. I've lost her the same as any living person loses a loved one. The same way she lost me fifteen years ago... at my own hands.

I cover my face with my hands, looking almost as someone who is crying, but no tears can come out. Yet I'm sobbing, my shoulders shake and I can't breathe, I whine and let all my feelings our of every sob, even if these are dry ones.

"Mum, I'm so sorry... Mum... together, we should be together."

What can I do? How do I follow her when it's not my time? She gave me answers no one else could, but these only add up to the sorrow burning my soul out.

"Agh, fuck this," I hear James' curse, breaking through my own mourning and giving me the enough time to look up and see the moment his hands reach out for me, his arms wrapping around my frame and pulling me towards him.

I freeze, the knowledge of what this is causing him the most important thing on my mind right now, like an alarm going off, telling me to take care of this first.

"No, don't do this. No!" I protest, trying to escape but his grip is made of iron.

"No, let me do this... let me do this much for you. Let me help you somehow," he says, his voice tense because it's clear he's clenching his jaw. "Don't feel it on your own, Paige. I'm here with you. Share your pain and don't force me to just watch you. I can't do that. Let me at least shed the tears you can't."

I stop struggling, not knowing what to do. I want to spare him this because hurting him is the worst I could do, but I need him so much. Someone to hold me because I'm in pieces and I'm afraid I will just fade away if I don't have his arms around me.

"You're hurting," I protest.

"I can endure it... for you," he replies stubbornly, burying his face in my hair, his mouth next to my ear, his words being whispered right there. "Leaving you alone right now would hurt me more."

I give up. I can't fight him anymore, so I wrap my own arms around his neck, clinging to him for dear life and letting him hold me in one piece. I keep sobbing in his arms but the tears fall from his eyes. The same pain I'm feeling is the one he's experiencing, we are sharing my own agony and even if it's painful, it isn't lonely.

I squeeze the fabric of his hoodie in my fists, hiding my own face in his neck. His hands rub my back and his breathing moves my hair. It's ragged and hard, it speaks of pain and sorrow, but at the same time it's the most comforting thing someone could do. I don't know what I would've done if James hadn't been next to me. I don't think I would be able to keep a hold of my own mind without him next to me.

I don't know for how long we stay like this and I can't tell it gets better because everything in me hurts and I can't even call my mother's name without breaking all over again, but I stop shaking and even James' breathing becomes more regular. Either I've calmed down or he's gotten better at enduring and controlling the pain. Just like I have. At the end of the day, a person can always learn to live with the pain and heartbreak. It hurts, it's hard, but not impossible. That's how we survive, we adapt.

"Feeling better?" he asks at some point but he never looses up his hold on me. We are still on the floor and I'm on his lap, curling next to him. Although my body can't hurt, his probably does.

"No," I reply honestly. "I don't think I can ever feel better about this. It was my fault, James," I blurt out, still hiding my face in his neck. "I was so busy seeking revenge that I even forgot about my mum. I left her all alone and couldn't stop this stupid accident to happen. If I had been there she wouldn't be dead now. It's all my fault!"

"No, no, Paige. It's not your fault. Didn't you hear? It was her time, that's why she could cross over. If it hadn't been that accident, it would've been another. You couldn't follow her and save her from everything. It was her time, and I'm sure the reason why you two could meet one last time was because she needed to apologise to you, face to face. She lived with that guilt that she could't save you. You can't do the same."

"How can I not?" I snap, pulling back to glare at him. "How can I not feel guilty about this?"

"Because one can't control death and accidents happen. It was her time and yours will come, but it isn't now," he insists, cupping my face in his hands and looking at me with such sweet eyes, so caring and loving. "It's not your fault and I'll repeat that until you believe it. If it's up to me, I won't let you live like that."

"I'm not living," I tell him, and my voice is so sour. He even cringes.

"You are, unconventionally, but you're still here. In my book, you're living."

There's a lump in my throat and I don't know how to answer to that, I just stare back at him, into those blue eyes that look at me like no one else did before. My own hands reach to cup his cheeks, barely touching his skin. He shivers and closes his eyes in an attempt to control the pain I bring with me. Yes, he's enduring it, but that doesn't mean it's not really painful. My heart breaks even more because I want to touch him without hurting him. I want to control my emotions and make him feel nothing but my gratitude, and every other happy emotion he makes me feel. I want to let him know it's not all agony or pain in me, there's more. But I don't know how to do that. All my feelings are so raw and I can't refine them.

"You're like an angel sent to me," I mutter. Cheesy as that sounds, it's true. There's no better way to express what he is to me, how much he's helped me.

"But I don't have wings," he says with a small smile.

"Wingless angel. No one said you're perfect." I try to smile, too. "Even angels can come faulty."

He chuckles softly, and then presses his forehead against mine. His hands sneak to the back of my head, his fingers buried in my hair, stroking softly, sending shivers down my spine.

"I should've stuck with the angel theory," I mumble next, causing his chuckles to cease.

"Pardon?"

"When you came here there were a bunch of theories, remember? My favourite was the werewolf one, but now that I think back, I should've bet my fortune on the angel theory, even if it was fallen angel," I explain and he laughs again.

"You bet your fortune?"

"No, it's just a way to speaking, don't be silly," I reply, even rolling my eyes and making him laugh even more.

"I really like your sense of humour. I love that it's so out of the blue," he confesses and his voice is so soft and careful, carrying more meaning than the one I dare to read. "I love that despite everything you can still joke and laugh. That no matter how hard your life was, you can still smile, even if it means you have to block the dark memories." I gulp, thinking how to reply to that, a thank seems too poor and I need to find something better. "I love that despite what they did to you, you didn't lose yourself. I love than even in death you care more about your mother and couldn't leave her on her own. I love how you smile, laugh. I love the way you look when you talk about your mother and how much you love her. I love that you even try to take all the blame."

He stops talking to take a deep breath, he even closes his eyes for a few seconds before he pulls back a bit so he can look me in the eyes more comfortably this time.

"I know you're a ghost yet it's so easy to forget you're not like me. It hurts me helping you to find your unfinished business because I don't want you to leave me. I don't care about anyone leaving and turning their back on me, but it scares me if it's you. If I can't see you ever again." He stops once again, just staring into my eyes. I can't do anything else but stare back. I can't even take a breath, which makes me very thankful that I don't need to. "And I know you won't ever be older than seventeen, I know you can't grow older with me, but I wish you could. I wish you could stay always by my side even if it means we'll never leave this flat. I selfishly want to keep you next to me and I'm sorry I'm telling you all this, but it's the truth."

His breathing gets heavier and he looks tense, almost scared, but at the same time certain. His eyes are sure and determined.

"Paige, crazy as it is, this is how I really feel." He takes another deep breath and continues. "I love you. Crazy, impossible and painful as it is, I love you."

My eyes widen and my breath gets caught in my throat. My own hands fall from his face, ending on his chest just because we're so close, but aside from that I can't move. I can see the fear in his eyes but there's also relief, like he's finally free from a heavy weight on his shoulders.

Love... the word echoes in my mind, pushing aside everything else just to play on repeat.

I love you.

James loves me, impossible, crazy and painful as it is, he loves me, and as I start to process the words, understanding what he just did, happiness starts bubbling inside. I can't really think of the consequences right now or how impossible it is. I can't think of anything else but the fact he loves me. And even if a part of me suspected this, it is different to hear the words, to be certain about it.

It's not only that someone loves me, it's that James loves me. If it were other hundred guys feeling like that, none of them would make me as happy as James does. If the rest of the world hates me I don't care because James loves me. Just me.

He starts smiling, the signs of pain leaving his features because he can feel my own happiness. Just how he felt the horrors he now feels this bubbling happiness, he can feel my own love bursting out of every part of my soul, burning in there like a fire. He feels it and it doesn't hurt him, it makes him happy, as well. So I hold on to that feeling, I won't let it go for as long as I can.

He presses his forehead against mine, his nose brushing mine as I squeeze in my fists the fabric of his hoodie, my right hand feeling the strong heartbeats as he leans closer and closer. I close my eyes because he's just too near I can't see anything but his blurry face.

It's soft at first, his lips barely touching mine, but they are there, testing. It tingles, everything tingles in me and the feelings that swirl in me are all happy, exhilarating ones. The same feelings he is experiencing now and that must be enough for him to decide it's safe. This works.

He kisses me, his lips really crushing against mine and although I have no idea what to do, I enjoy this. The warmth I can finally feel and all this happiness soothing the pain, the loneliness that's living within me for so long. I follow what he's doing it, imitating his own movements until we can match and make it work, until the kiss becomes a real one.

His arms wrap around me once again, pulling me even closer, almost crushing me against him as he depends the kiss and I give in, forgetting everything else but this moment. These feelings. This boy. This love.

>>>·<<<

*grins with double chin* are you happy after this chapter? hehehe I've added the song "Grow Old With Me" by Tom Odell because it kind of inspired me with this scene.

Dedication to ConfusedAsToWhat because it was amazing how you connected every paranormal story I've written. 

Bel, xx

NU: Thursday