I choke on my words, dropping the picture and covering my mouth with my hands, shaking because I can't even cry. I feel like I'm going to start convulsing any minute because the horror of what this means, is too much for me.

Fifteen years.

Oh boy, I haven't even felt time pass by like that. I never imagined I had been like this more than a year. That means I've seen many generations go through college but I can't remember any of them, they're just blurry faces. I can only remember those I'm actually with but they'll also fade in my memory. Even those I seem to despise, like Roxy and Adeline.

Roxy was right. No wonder I'm like an urban legend, I've been fifteen years dead. Fifteen years haunting that college and all my classmates. All the generations I've had.

I know that if I could produce any fluid I'd be throwing up right now. And this is not even the worst part of it, I can cope with how many years I've been stuck and how everything seems to slip from my mind and nothing stays, but what is actually killing me all over again is the fact that I have been torturing Mum for fifteen years, my presence and constant touch bringing her agony and desolation every day. I have kept her in this depressed state for fifteen years, I have done that unconsciously but the harm is done nonetheless.

But my ashes are here and this is the reason why I keep coming back home every day, even if I might have died at college. I come every night because my ashes call me and Mum keeps them here. She should've scattered them. How do I convince her to do that?

And what happens to me if she does? Do I fade away like dust in the wind if she scatters them? That thought actually terrifies me. But if I have to disappear for Mum to get better, then I guess it's time. I'm already dead and maybe it's for the better if I do that. Who says there's actually something on the other side? Maybe we all eventually fade away regardless of how long it takes.

"Paige," James speaks and I look up to meet his eyes that watch me carefully before he kneels down until we're at the same level. He slowly takes the picture from the floor where I dropped it. "I know what you're thinking. You're feeling guilty because of your mum," he says and although I'm not exactly thinking of that right now, it is the reason why I'm having this train of thoughts. "Don't, okay? You didn't do it on purpose, you weren't even aware and now that you are you'll stop, right? You won't touch her again and you'll find the way to cross over. I'm sure the moment you do your mum will be better and will move on. Maybe she'll move from this house and start anew. Focus on what you can do for now, and that is finding out how you died and your unfinished business."

"But I... I have tortured her for fifteen years, James. How can I just ignore that?" I whine, wanting to hold on to him because I feel too frail but I can't hurt him anymore. Not again.

"I'm not telling you to ignore it, I'm telling you to do something about it. Dwelling on it won't get you anywhere," he says and although his words are cold his eyes are warm and sympathetic. "I'll help you, remember? Look at all what we've accomplished in one day." he tries to cheer me up, more energetically.

It's hard to believe all this has happened in one day since I woke up. We've discovered I was cremated, that my mum has my ashes in her room and that I died fifteen years ago, also that I might have been murdered or driven to my death in a janitor closet when a bad prank went wrong. And all this since I woke up in Art History after disappearing for almost a week.

It actually feels like weeks. I feel mentally exhausted. Plus, I walked through someone and that is already horrible on its own.

"I don't want to come back here," I blurt out and James furrows his eyebrows. "I want to stay away from Mum and this house and see if that makes a difference to her life. I want to stay like a week away and if Mum is actually doing better, then... just stay away, until the end. I need her to move on or I don't think I can even concentrate."

"And where will you go?" he asks and I shrug.

"I don't know. I'll probably stay in college or go around, testing my limits. But I won't set foot inside this house again." I declare with determination and he still looks at me uncertain.

"I'm not sure if that's good, Paige, but I guess it's worth a shot. But if you died at college maybe it's not good you're always there, so lonely at night," he ponders.

"Well, is either that or homeless and sleeping on a bench although I don't sleep but that's not the point," I ramble a bit and he chuckles lightly.

"Well, I live alone and unless you're scared I might do something to you," -he laughs but I don't find it funny- "you can come with me. At least until you figure out if staying away actually helps your mum. I promise I won't touch you."

"You better 'cos otherwise I'll just call you James the masochist," I declare and this time he laughs. "Is it really okay? For me to go with you? Are you sure you want to bring a ghost to your house? Willingly?" I question because the thought makes me too nervous, although it's good because it drives away the agony from the realisation of what I've done.

"You're not just any ghost," he smiles at me.

I feel weirdly touched and anxious, I can't even hold his stare so instead I just fix my eyes on my hands and how they fidget on my lap.

"So what do you say? Are you coming with me?" he asks, pushing me a bit and I have this urge to meet his blue eyes but I can't right now.

"Okay." I pause to take a deep breathe. "And thank you, James. Not just for this but for everything you've done so far. I don't think I would've ever found out all this without you," I say and this time I do look up and when I meet his eyes I feel my stomach tied in knots.

He only replies with a smile before standing up and holding up his hand for me but I just shake my head and rise to my feet on my own. He shrugs, knowing exactly why I have to reject his help and then he makes sure to return the picture and its frame next to the urn. He lingers a bit longer there, even touching the urn and I just watch him. I want to take those ashes away from here, away from Mum but if I do she'll panic and think someone robbed her and I don't want to cause her more stress.

James finally turns to look at me and gives me a small smile. "Should we go? I think your mum will be here anytime now," he reminds me and that alarms me.

"Right! Yes, let's go before she enters. If she finds you here it won't be pretty."

He just chuckles but the thought horrifies me so I guide him outside Mum's room and when we are getting near the door I hear it, the keys on the lock and I feel like my soul has left my body... or well, whatever I have. It's just an expression!

"Mum is here!" I tell James and his eyes widen with panic that wasn't there before, all amusement gone.

"Shit." he mumbles and I just nod frantically.

Oh boy, what do I do, what do I do?

"Upstairs! To my room. Fast!" I say, almost pushing him upstairs whilst I go and hold the knob of the door, giving him some time.

James practically flies upstairs whilst I feel mum struggling with the door, I can even hear her mumbles because it's not opening. Only when James disappears I let go and the door bursts open with Mum practically barging inside. I have to step back quickly to stop her from bumping into me and her confused expression has me on my toes. She looks around and at the knob, hoping to find what's wrong but there isn't anything. Then she looks around and only sees when Luna walks past her, rubbing herself against her legs before going outside. She just smiles sadly before heading to her room.

"Mum," I call but of course she can't hear me. "Good bye. I'll leave you alone now. Please, move on. Don't stay like this. I'm sorry for all what I did to you," I add anyways, apologising out loud even if she can't hear. At least I'm doing it.

I sigh deeply and hug myself before going to my room. I have no idea how I'm going to get James out of here but I need to think fast. I go upstairs to meet him and I carefully enter my room just to find him looking around. Now that I pay attention to my room I realise how ninety's it looks, like the band posters I have, like the Backstreet Boys, NSYNC and Spice Girls. I never paid attention to that but now that I know I died fifteen years ago it's so evident that I want to slap myself because I didn't realise sooner.

James is watching some pictures I have around from when I was a kid and some more 'recent' ones. I stand next to him and see them with him and even if I'm smiling in most of them you can perceive a change, how life seemed to be escaping me as I grew older. The dark bags under my eyes, the even messier hair, the shallow cheeks and extremely pale face, even some faint bruises. James is looking at what was probably the last picture I had before dying. It's a picture I took of myself when Mum and Dad gave me a Polaroid camera. I have a large bunch of those, some that I took, some that my parents did of myself and I guess I was really happy with my present. I've always liked photography. I have mostly landscape pictures and quite a few of my parents and Luna. As he goes through them I try to remember the exact moment I took them but it's too blurry and too long ago for me to succeed.

"These are great," he mumbles and even if he didn't even move when I stepped by his side he knew I was there. He then takes the camera and turns to aim at me. I automatically smile as bright as I can even if it might not work, I have no clue. It's just what I do in front of a camera. And then he snaps the picture and slowly the paper comes out. I can't believe it still has some. He grabs it and fans it until the image starts showing. To my surprise I do show up in the picture. Blurry, almost like a reflection, but that's me.

"It works!" I cry out, too excited to see that. "That's wicked!"

He just chuckles before getting very close to me but careful not to touch me and then snapping a picture of the two of us. I wasn't prepared for this and too shocked by his fast movement so I don't even look at the lens, I just look at him with wide eyes and that is how I show up in the picture when this finally reveals. James smiles at it fondly.

"I like this one. You look cute," he says nonchalantly and I feel like everything twists inside of me. "Who else can say they got a picture with a ghost?" he adds more cheekily, in a light tone that tries to make me smile. I do so, but it's still a very nervous smile.

"I think... we should go. You'd have to get out the window, though, unless you want to wait until Mum falls asleep."

"Window is okay," he replies and leaves the camera where I had it and next to it all the pictures. I go to the window and try to open it. It hasn't been open in fifteen years so it's almost impossible and James has to do it when he realises I just can't.

"I loosened it first," I say and he chuckles and rolling his eyes. "Make sure not to make too much noise and careful with the other windows so Mum doesn't see you."

"Will do. No worries, Paige. Do you need anything before we go?" he asks me, getting his body out of my window.

I just stare blankly at him. "James, I'm a ghost. I can't even change my underwear."

He blushes furiously and looks away before carefully climbing down. I follow him, making sure to close the window and taking one last look at my room, saying goodbye.

Once I'm on the ground next to James, Luna comes to us. Well, mostly James but I grab her in my arms and say my goodbyes.

"Thank you, Luna. For being my only friend these fifteen years. Take care of Mum, okay? Take all the sorrow away and make her happy. I trust you," I tell her and maybe it's too big of a responsibility and she doesn't understand, but she still meows and rubs her head against my hands and I feel my chest closing up. "I love you, Luna."

I let her go but she doesn't move, she just sits there, watching us. Then I look at James and he smiles encouragingly.

"Let's go. I'll show you my home now, and your now temporary one."

~·~

Not such a heavy chapter this time, right? I hope you liked it. I think these two are too adorable and I'm having chest pains as I write this. I'm terrible. What do you all think?

We have more fan art by daniellestory1d but as she already got a dedication before, today's goes to MystiqueBlue

Bel, xx

NU: Monday