"Wow, this is an old cat," James says when Luna comes running downstairs and looks at us surprised because I'm not alone and there's a guest in our house. No one ever comes. She overcomes her surprise pretty soon because next thing I know she is rubbing herself against James' legs, purring and making little sounds to get his attention.

I watch as he kneels down to pick her up and then holds her against his chest. She is delighted, purring and kneading his chest. James wears an adorable smile that captivates me and leaves me trapped in a trance I can't seem to escape from. His expression softens so much and his eyes seem to sparkle. I couldn't have imagined he'd change like that with a cat or that he would like one so much.

There goes the old theory of James' being a werewolf.

"Oh, aren't you a cutie one? And so fluffy," he talks, still too into Luna as to pay attention to the way I'm staring at him. "Oh, you like that?" he asks next when she purrs even louder the moment he starts scratching under her chin.

I chuckle, I can't help it and that seems to get his attention. He meets my eyes with blushed cheeks and an embarrassed smile.

"Her name is Luna," I tell him and his eyes are back on my cat, smiling widely again.

"Hello, Luna. It's a pleasure to meet you." I can't stop smiling as the scene unfolds in front of me. He looks just too cute for words.

"She loves you. When I pet her she never purrs that loud or seems that happy," I comment and he just smiles at me.

For a moment I can only look at this picture perfect but then I remember his first comment when he saw my cat, about her being old. So I lose my smile and look at Luna more closely, trying to see that. I saw her when she was a kitten and I guess she's grown but is she really old? I haven't really noticed that, but then I don't pay attention to many things. I just... go with the flow, almost automatically without a second thought. And I can't always remember how things are or were.

"Is she old?" I ask out loud. "How old do you think she is?"

"You don't know?" he asks and I shake my head. "When did she get here? Before or after you... got stuck?" The fact that he doesn't say the word die or ghost doesn't go unnoticed, but right now there's another fact more important than that.

"Before," I answer. "Mum got her to help. She heard cats are good when someone is depressed."

"Well, that's something good," he says, still petting Luna. "Cats live an average of fifteen to twenty years so that means you can't possibly have been like this longer than that," he explains and I understand he didn't mean that Mum's idea was good as I thought first. "That narrows things a bit. Now, looking at her I don't think she's twenty or that old, but she is several years old for sure," his voice loses strength as he speaks until it's barely a whisper. Even his hand stops moving through Luna's fur.

Several years.

I've been dead for several years. Even if it's one or two or three it is still a lot. So Roxy was right, it was before she got to college. I close my eyes and try to remember, to concentrate and think of other students before her. Maybe even my classmates! But all I have are faceless people in my memory. I can't really remember one single person before the classmates I have now.

How many years has it been? How many generations?

"Paige..." he calls my name so I open my eyes again and meet his blue ones. "When were you born?" he asks next and I blink.

Oh! That would help us know what would be my age right now and then do the math.

"In May," I reply but as soon as those two words leave my lips I realise how useless they are. I concentrate a bit more, trying to recall the day I was born but I can't even remember that, less alone the year. "I-I don't remember my birthday," I laugh, a chocked laughter that sounds crazy and desperate. "Of course I don't remember my birthday. Why don't I remember anything important? Why do I just remember the pain?"

James puts Luna down, who has to wake up because she fell asleep in his arms, and then he straightens up. I notice how he approaches before he can touch me so I can dodge him. I even raise my hands as a sign for him to stay put.

"I'm useless," I breathe out. "I can't even remember my birthday." The incredulous laughter is back.

"It's okay. We're at your place, surely we'll find something," he tries to reassure me but I shake my head. That's not comforting.

"And my ashes. We'll find how long I've been dead and stuck as a ghost." I notice how James cringes when I say those words, but I can't really dwell on it. "Okay, let's find them. Once and for all." I sound defeated and resigned because that's exactly how I feel.

All this mission is making me face the fact I'm dead constantly and that is extremely depressing. There's no way I can pretend I'm just being ignored and bullied in a different way. I have to acknowledge I died at some point, several years ago, and that there's no coming back.

I'm dead. I'm so dead.

I wish I could throw up. I would be doing that right now because I certainly feel sick. But I can't so I just turn on my heels and walk to the living room. I can hear James' footsteps behind me but other than that he's silent. I think even Luna is following us because she meows softly, trying to get James' attention, I presume.

Once in the living room I just scan everything, trying to find a urn. If I was actually cremated then that's where my ashes should be, if Mum didn't scatter them, which I doubt.

"Try to find a urn or anything where ashes could be kept," I instruct, my voice cold and detached.

"Paige..." James calls my name in that way I'm starting to recognise. It's tinted with pity and worry and right now I can't take it so I just step away from him, searching the shelves in the living room, above the fireplace but there's nothing, just pictures of my family when I was still alive.

"You were an only child," James comments. Not a question, just a statement. I look at him over my shoulder and see him holding another picture frame. Mum has many of those around. "You've mentioned your mum many times. What about your dad?" he asks next and I turn to look at the pictures in front of me. There's one of both my parents and I when I was like ten or something.

"Dad left... I don't recall much, per usual, but I know he left after I died. I don't know how much after. It could've been days, months or years, considering I've been dead for several." I really can't let go of that. "It was because Mum... she kinda also died. She was never the same. She's been mourning... for several years."

Until now, so selfishly, I have only been thinking of how I have been dead for many years and not even once I thought that Mum lost her only daughter at the same time and has been living with that sorrow for that long. She hasn't moved on. She is as stuck as I am.

"Mum..." I whine. "She's still crying every day. She hasn't moved on, for as long as I've been dead, she's been in pain. Oh my God," I choke on my words, covering my mouth with my hands because I just can't even take a breath right now.

"Oh shit," James curses under his breath and I can immediately hear his hurried footsteps towards me, so I move away, almost running from him.

"I really hope, and this time not for me but for Mum, that I didn't die that long ago. It would kill me again if Mum has been like this for so long," I breathe out, my vision getting blurry because everything spins around me.

My mum, my poor mum. She's been like a corpse for as long as I've been dead and yes, she's always been a concern of mine, especially since I became a ghost, but now I feel even worse about her.

"She needs to move on," I keep rambling, just saying all what's in my mind. "She can't stay like this any longer. She must be old now... and I didn't notice. Of course I didn't notice! I am that dense!" I scream. "I did not notice how my mum is getting old. I just assumed it was because she was sad! How can I be so despicable!"

"Paige, stop it! Paige!" he cries out, grabbing my wrist and holding me. I snap and get free of him, scandalised because he touched me again but also because he stopped me from digging my nails too deep into my arms. Not like it hurts anything, but I bet it's a disgusting sight for him.

"Don't touch me!" I shout at him. "It hurts you," I add in a whisper and meeting his eyes. He looks so miserable and I feel so fragile, like I'm about to break. "Don't..."

"Then don't hurt yourself," he negotiates and I shake my head.

"It doesn't hurt, at least what you stopped me from. I don't feel that pain... but my mum... that hurts."

I feel Luna rubbing against my legs, trying to comfort me and purring lowly. I just look at her with wide eyes, feeling my heart twisting a bit to just then feel a bit better. I chuckle humourlessly because it's almost as if she is taking a bit of my pain with her.

Maybe it's true and cats do absorb negative energy.

"What if... what if I talk to your mum?" James suggests, getting my attention away from Luna and back to him. "I could... maybe I could tell her I communicated with you and that you're fine and you want her to be okay, too."

"I'm not okay, though. You'd be lying to my mum..." I muse, taking my hand to my chest to appease a bit the ache in there but it doesn't help.

"Okay, maybe not that you're okay but that you want her to be okay for you. That she needs to move on... maybe that's holding you down, Paige!" he thinks, getting excited. "Maybe it's that guilt keeping you here. Maybe your mum is your unfinished business!"

I blink as I try to think about it. It can be that, considering what worries me the most is her and I just want her pain to stop, but could that be? Maybe James should talk to her indeed, try to explain things even if it's difficult just so she can finally move-

"You can't," I say and his excited expression changes to one of utter confusion. "You can't talk to her about me still lingering here or anything. You just can't. She can't take that," I explain but that doesn't help him.

I try to battle a memory that stays with me because it is frightening and because it's kept me from trying again to communicate with her. It's like the memory of walking through someone, something I can't really recall fully detailed, but enough to keep me from making the same mistake.

"I once... I once wrote her a note. I can do that and they stay. I told her I was still with her and looking after her... I told her that... I never left her... I told her..." I feel weak as one image tortures my mind, one horrifying scene. "She found it. I know that much. And when she read it she started crying and... and..."

"And what, Paige? What happened?" James asks, bringing me back to the present because it seams I'm leaving this place and getting lost in that painful memory.

"She... started convulsing and just... it was horrible because I screamed her name and she just... she was on the floor, hopeless, alone and I couldn't do anything for her. I tried holding her but it seemed to make it worse. Now I know why... but back then, I... I basically tortured. I thought... I thought I was doing something good. I was excited when she found the note then terrified. I couldn't call for help or anything." My knees give out and I end up on the floor, too horrified at the memory. "It was horrible, how she just shook violently on the floor... until she fainted but it seemed like three lives before that happened." I look up and I can barely meet James' horrified eyes. "I did that because I wanted to communicate. Because I told her I was still here."

"You didn't know that would happen..."

"But now I know and I won't let you do that. I won't do that to her again," I shake my head. "That won't do, James," my voice shakes. "We need to find another way. You can't talk to my mum."

~·~

Well... for all those asking about why Paige didn't write her mum a note, now you know what happens if she does. I must I didn't imagine it to be that terribly until I watched Healer (an amazing k-drama!) in which the mother reacts like that every time her dead daughter is brought up. It's heartbreaking and very accurate for what I wanted for Paige's mum (her name is Daphne, in case you don't know). Let me know your thoughts on the comments!

Dedication to @mysterium_luminaria

Bel, xx

NU: Monday