I look away, outside the window as what's there is the most fascinating thing in the world. There's fear in the pit of my guts, paralysing fear and I even have to hide my hands under the table because these are trembling and I don't want James to see that.

It's not that the possibility of being like this forever didn't cross my mind before, it's more that now it's a confirmation that the possibility exists, even if it's by choice. Somehow it has become real and that scares me. It's already difficult enough to exist like this, then what do I do when Mum passes away? What do I do when the world keeps changing and I'm still stuck? It's like seeing the world and everything that's happening but not being able to actually touch it. It's as if I were locked in a glass cage. But can I even stay in that case forever? What do I do when the world that was mine completely disappears? When there's nothing else left that once was mine?

"You must have something left to do," James says, his voice soft and careful. I chuckle but not because I'm amused, it's more of a cynical laughter.

"What? Are you willing to help me find my unfinished business now?" I turn to look at him and my voice is cold and lifeless... like a corpse. "I don't remember how I died or why or when. I can barely remember when I was alive and I don't even know where to go. I am stuck. I repeat. That's all I do. What unfinished business could I have? Finishing college? I can't do that, no matter how many times I repeat this diploma. Form a family? Fall in love? How? With another ghost?" I laugh again, that cynical and hateful laughter. "What can I do to help me cross over? I have no clue, I don't even know where to begin."

"There must be a reason why you're stuck," he continues and I shake my head.

"I'm not only stuck, I'm completely alone. I don't have answers, I just have questions, even about myself." I look down for a few seconds, focusing on the pattern of my dress and heaving an exhausted sigh. "I don't even even feel compelled to do anything. Do I even have an unfinished business?"

James doesn't reply because if I don't know it, how could he? I don't feel dragged to anything. I didn't leave anything behind that worries me or anything.

"Is it normal that ghosts don't have a clue what is holding them back?" I ask because he doesn't seem unwilling to answer this time so I might as well make use of this chance.

"I've never met one that didn't know until..."

"Until you met me," I complete for him and when I look up to meet his eyes I can see pity in his. "It seems I'm not your average ghost, then."

I stand up, suddenly feeling very suffocated inside this library. I just want to go out, take a breathe even if this won't change a thing. I want to let at least the wind touch me. So I turn on my heels to leave but before I actually take a step away I remember something I need to know before leaving James.

"May I ask another question? The last one, I promise," I say, not turning to face him or anything.

"Go ahead," he replies.

I wrap my arms around my waist and take a deep breath before I fire away, "What does it feel to touch a ghost? Is that unpleasant?"

He doesn't reply for many seconds so I think he won't. I turn to look over my shoulder and find him watching me carefully, his eyebrows furrowed and the dreadlocks framing his boyish face. I feel a tug in my chest when I meet his eyes, something inside of me that makes me feel even more sorrowful than I already do.

"Very," he replies, a mere whisper but I hear him in this quiet room and that simple word hurts. "It's not painful, but it feels like cold hands are running down your skin. You feel cold to the bone and so sad and lonely. It's like that when they touch you they pass on all the sorrow they carry and I have never met a happy ghost." A little smile plays on his lips when he pauses. "You're the most cheerful ghost I've met."

"I try," I sigh and his smile widens.

"But even you carry so much sadness with you. I'm afraid of what I might feel if I touch you. You seem in so much pain when you stop putting on a smile," he says and I take step away from him immediately. It's not like I'm going to touch him or anything, but he's scared and I don't want to make it difficult for him.

"So every time I touch Mum she feels all the pain and concern I feel?" I ask but I fear the answer and he knows that because he looks away and that's all I need to confirm my fear. "I've been hurting her even more without even knowing it. I've been making it worse for her." An incredulous chuckle escapes, choked and desperate; the only sign of that asphyxiating pain in my chest, growing and growing. "I'm horrible, after all."

"You didn't know," James tries to comfort me and I guess he acts by instinct because he takes a step towards me, holding up his hand as if he were to reach for me but I take a step away from him. "It's not like you did it on purpose."

I know he's right, it's not like I willingly hurt Mum, but still, I should've figured it out because she cried every time I touched her. I saw the pain in her own face. It's me then, it's me the one who's been holding her back and keeping her from moving on. It's all my fault.

"Th-thank you for answering me," the words leave me in a strangled tone and I shut my eyes tightly, wrapping my arms even tighter around myself. "And thank you for talking to me today."

I turn around and walk towards the door, only wanting to leave and disappear right now. I don't even want to be alone, I just want to cease existing. I want all this to stop right now.

"Paige!" James calls my name but I don't stop. "You don't have to leave. You can stay here," he adds and this time I stop but I don't turn around. "I know you don't wanna be alone, especially right now, and to be honest I think I got used to your rambling."

I can feel the smile in his words and I wish I could cry or do anything to expressed how moved I am by his actions. No, I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to annoy him. To be honest, I don't want anything. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to be with anyone else. I just want to stop. Once and for all.

"It's okay, I'm used to be alone by now. You don't have to do this. If this is your guilt moving you or anything else, it's not necessary." I turn around to look at him over my shoulder again and I make sure to smile brightly at him even if I feel like there's a storm inside of me. "Aren't we even already? Do you want me to owe you? I annoyed you for two weeks and you hurt me. I think we are even. Let's leave it there, okay?"

"Paige," he calls my name but his voice carries a tone I can't read, it sounds almost as a plea.

I smile brightly at him, even wider than before and I even give him a peace sign before turning around and running outside the library. I keep running and I don't stop. I don't get tired, I don't need to catch my breath or anything, my muscles don't burn and I feel I could run forever. But as I get away from college to the borders of the town I start feeling weak. No, weak isn't the right word. I feel less real, as if I were losing myself, as if all the energy in me were leaving me. It's not because I'm tired, it's different. I just feel less corporeal.

At some point, when I've run so much that I think I've left Street, I can barely hold myself. I don't even feel like I'm here. Everything spins around and I feel lighter, almost as if I didn't weigh a thing. I look at my hands and these are so pale, almost white, almost transparent.

Is this why ghosts can't leave the places they are bound to? Because they start to fade? Because they lose energy? What happens if I can keep walking? Can I even keep walking away?

I try it.

I take another step away, closer to the next town but I can barely move. My whole body is shaking and I can't control my own limbs. I can't take two more steps before I collapse on the grown. But even then I try to crawl away, pushing myself to the limit no matter how dizzy I feel. I can't even see what's ahead, it's all blurry, but I keep trying. I push and push and push until it's all black.

~

I open my eyes and I'm back in college, on my desk in Art History. The desk that has been scribbled over and that looks so old and mistreated. I actually wake up here and that confuses me. How did I end up here? Why did I wake up? I don't sleep, I never did something like that before. I pretended to sleep many times but never once I lost consciousness and woke up somewhere else.

What happened?

I jump from my seat, pushing the chair with me and causing this to fall with a loud thud but that's not the worse part. The worse thing is all the screams and chaos that arises in the classroom, all the startled kids holding on to one another and looking in my direction and... and not seeing me. They just see the chair on the floor and the desk a bit farther from where it should be.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. It's her... she's here, she's haunting us!" someone cries but I can barely register that. I'm still confused, trapped in a different bubble, one that makes everything blurry around me.

"H-how did I get here? Why are we here?" I ask because we have Art History only on Tuesdays and last time I checked it was Wednesday. "What happened?" I ask even if no one is going to reply.

"Stop playing pranks," Regina shouts. "Don't disturb the class."

"It wasn't any of us, Regina!" Roxi replies back, completely freaked out. I can hear it in her voice even if I'm not looking at her. I'm still frozen on my spot. "It was her!"

"Ghost don't exist!" Regina refutes. "Don't be kids and stop these games. You're old enough to know better," she scolds everyone and they all complain in mumbles and still trembling whispers.

There isn't calm for Regina to resume the class, but she tries. I can't move, I still watch my desk a few steps from me, then look around, utterly confused. I don't know what's happening now. The last thing I recall is me trying to get away and just... blacking out. How did I get from there to here? Did someone carry me? Who?

I turn to my side, looking for James and I immediately meet his eyes. His are surprised and confused, startled like everyone else's.

"Was it you? Did you bring me here?" I ask in a shaky voice and he shakes his head no. "Then how?" I ask out loud, not exactly at him.

My head feels stuffed, overwhelmed and I feel dizzy again because everything is spinning. I don't know what's happening nor how I ended up here. I don't know why it's Tuesday again. I don't know if I passed out or fell asleep. I have no idea.

I run away because I don't know what else to do. I storm out causing a ruckus again and making the kids and even Regina scream when the door slams open and then slams shut as I leave the classroom. I run downstairs, away from the building but I don't leave the campus. I don't know what happened but I know I don't want to do it again.

I don't stop until the benches near the rectory and only then I allow myself to sit down and curl up, hugging my legs and hiding my face, counting to ten in my mind trying to calm myself down. I'm scared and confused and so lost. What did I do? Can someone even answer me this time?

I start shaking and I want to scream because I can't cry and I need some sort of release for all what is swirling inside of me.

"Paige," someone breathes out and I freeze again. I slowly look up, still feeling disorientated and confused, but I find James' blue eyes watching be carefully and sure. Then he holds up his hand, palm facing the sky and I frown.

"What?" I ask and he just nods, kind of pointing to his hand, he even moves it closer to me when I pull back.

Hesitantly, I hold up my own hand, reaching for his even if I'm not sure this is what he means. I do it slowly in case he wants to stop me or correct me but he doesn't and once my hand is like five centimetres away, he grabs it and pulls me, making me rise to my feet and I can't even process what's happening because next thing I know I'm in James' arms.

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:D hehehehehehehehehehehe am I making you all more confused? Yes? Good. That's the plan. If you could figure it all out in the first few chapters there wouldn't be a point for this story.

By the way, the winning option for the ship name is PJ. Also, on the multimedia is some art my lovely wife Charlotte did *sobs in a corner*

Dedication to @johndeeregirl7

Bel, xx

NU: Monday