As soon as I successfully parked the car back into the garage, I dragged myself out while rubbing my temples which hurts as hell. Pushing the door open with the strength I couldn't imagine I still had in me, I made my way upstairs until a hand grabbed my elbows, pulling them back.

" what do you want?" I didn't bother to ask who it was. Only one person had the guts to do that in this mansion.
"Huda, what is wrong with you?" Sama asked fiercely.

I shrugged her hand away from my elbow, slightly arching my body to face her. " in as much as I'd like to have a conversation with you right now, I'm afraid I can't."

And that would have been a cue for her to leave me alone if only she took hints. My shoulders slumped and I finally raised my eyes to meet hers. Why does her head seem bigger now? And was that a rake in her hand?
My head felt very light, and I stumbled a little when I took a step further.

" Huda, why are coming in at this time of the night looking haggard?"
I shook my head in annoyance. " take a hint Sama, and let me be."

Suddenly, she was in my front sniffing my dress. Her nose scrunched in distaste and she placed both hands on my shoulders, making me halt in my steps.

" Have you been drinking?"

" That's none of your business," I said in a clipped tone.

"When did this start?" She pushes her face closer to mine, her breath fanning my nose.

"You of all people should know that this is very wrong under any circumstances and it's Haram in Islam. "

Groaning, I successfully pushed away her hands, my head thumping with the rash movement. " Sama, I'm tired. Can you do the lecture in the morning?" I drawled out motioning for her to get out of the way.

"do you think I'll let you get away with this easily? For Allah's sake Huda, listen to me and drop that childish attitude of yours?"

My head snapped in her direction, eyes narrowing. " I'm childish?"

"You're a responsible lady, do you have to do this?" She rubbed her face in exhaustion.

" I never asked you to meddle in my life!"

Breathing in from my nose and exhaling through my mouth, I shut my eyes tightly, wishing the voices and echoes in my ears would stop. I could faintly hear Sama's voice in the background lecturing me. She kept on going on and on about intoxication in Islam and why I shouldn't drink and whatnot.

I jerked when I felt a cold hand on my warm cheeks. My eyes opened and I stare at the woman who had been the roots of my dilemma.
"what is it?" I snapped.

"I asked you when you started taking alcohol".

" why?" I snorted. "So you can run to Abu, and tell him about his rebellious daughter's action? Or maybe to have your final opportunity to throw me out of my home?"

Sighing, I stood up, trying hard to maintain balance as my legs felt like jelly, but I wasn't going to sit and watch her tell me what to do with my life. The same life she ruined.

"I hope someday you will find the inner you. The real Huda and not what you've become of now. I sincerely pray you'll find light in your heart and life once again " she said in a small voice.

I stared at her face, baffled. " what the jahannam?" With a final look at her overall appearance, I hissed, matching upstairs to my room.

The look on her face started to piss me off. Who was she to look at me like a lost puppy who needed help? And what was that 'find light in your heart and life' bla bla bla?

Finally, I made it to my room and flung my purse on the couch. I collapsed on the bed, closing my eyes in a poor attempt at steadying my heartbeat. My mind was in a tumbled mess and this was all their fault. If only- they didn't interfere in my life.

Tears pooled at the corner of my eyes. " I hate you," I whispered into the darkness of my room. " I hate you all for messing with my life!" I threw the pillows away from the bed making it successfully hit the door.

"Ahh!!" I screamed at the top of my voice.
" you are all going to pay for this," I wiped the lone tear away from my cheeks aggressively. " I promise you."
* * * *

I didn't sleep a wink. The neighbourhood had become as silent as a graveyard, everyone asleep- except Huda. My mind was blank and my body numb as the effects of the alcohol started to hit me hard.

After deciding that it would be best not to burst into Sama's room and strangle her to death, I found myself surfing through the net. A few months ago, I deleted all my social media accounts. It was the only thing that kept bringing up the memories which I tried hard to forget.

Not everyone had luck with the choices they made in their lives, and I was a testimony to that. I detested anything that reminded me of the cruel turn of events in my life.

I turned on the television and put on a drama show when I figured I wouldn't be getting any sleep anytime soon. Almost dozing off when I felt the tiny gush of air as someone opened the door of my room.
Might as well kill me and get over with this. I focused on the pattern of the footsteps as the intruder tiptoed further into my room.

My room was pitch black except for the dim light which came from the window where the moon shone in the sky. " a pill will do a better job than a knife," I said.

The figure visibly stilled at the sound of my voice. I whirled my head to face the intruder.

"who's that?" My voice came out in a harsh and high octave and the culprit flinched.

" Huda Appi?" A meek voice called out and I kept away my mobile device which I had grabbed from my bed.

" Ayesha?" I switched on the lights, eyes clashing with familiar brown ones.

Sitting back on the bed, and putting the blanket around us, I gave her a bar of chocolate.

" Auntie, are you mad at me?"

Turning slightly so that I meet her gaze, she looked at me innocently. A smile found a way to my lips. Looking at my adorable little sister, I combed her hair with my hands.

"of course not sweetie. I can never be mad at you, you know that right?"

Smiling widely, I was suddenly tackled in a hug. Shocked, I weirdly hugged her back. This was the first hug that I had received in the past few months after the incident.

We broke apart from the hug, and I found her staring deep into my eyes. That was unsettling somehow to me.
"what's wrong, Ayesha? Why are you looking into my eyes? "
" I'm searching for my Auntie Huda", she looked serious and I couldn't help but chuckle.
"What makes you think she's not the one sitting beside you, sweetie?", I was curious and wanted to know what she thought.

Pulling my hands out of the blanket and putting them between hers, she seemed to be thinking of how to put her words. My bigger hands between her smaller ones made me jog down memory lane.

We'd always do this when having a serious conversation. But then that was in the past, and the circumstances had changed. She was no longer the seven -year old, nor was I that naive fourteen - year old.

" I feel like we've lost her. You're no longer the Auntie Huda that I used to know. You've changed differently and I don't see the spark in your eyes like I used to. Now all I see is a bitter person who's trying to push everyone around her away"

Watching the emotions appear on her face; first sadness, then confusion and then bitterness, I flashed her a weak smile in the hope to get her to stop talking and change the topic.

" Ayesha, you're the one seeing things in that way. I never changed, nor will I. Things are just different now. The situation is just different and there is nothing we can do about it-"

" No that's not true! I know you, Auntie, ever since you left and came back, you suddenly changed. You don't play with us anymore, you don't interact with anyone and you're mostly staying away from us. You even forgot about Anisa's birthday which you never did before and all this started when you came back from Bangalore", she said all in one breath.

My mind went blank and I found my heart withdrawing from her slowly.
"I don't want to talk about it, Ayesha. Never bring this up again ".

Huffing, she suddenly stood up and her arms flailed.
" See, you're not even trying to defend yourself. You are isolating yourself from us, including me. Is it because of Umm?"
"No Ayesha!"

It was true that she was my sister from another mother, but I would never differentiate between us. Sama may not be my biological mother and we might not be on good terms, but I would never let that get in between my relationship with my siblings.

"then tell me why. Why you're so distant and aggressive ", she cried out.

" I refuse to believe that. Ayesha, you need to understand that this is the first time we've lived under the same roof in six years. Things have changed and I'm no longer the big sister that you used to look up to", I shook her shoulders lightly, trying to make her reason with me.

"I am not the person that I used to be. I've committed a lot of crimes that I can never forgive myself for. You shouldn't look up to me. Nothing good would ever come out of it. You'll only get hurt in the process, and that is the last thing that I would want you to ever experience".

My voice was firm and I was determined. I would never want to hurt her deliberately, and this is the perfect thing to do. Getting attached was never going to do us good.

"Why?", I shrugged as she looked into my eyes pleading. I couldn't even feel guilty.
I was numb, so I did what I had learned to do in similar situations. I ignored her and my mood changed.

"drop it Ayesha! It's getting late. Fajr would be in the next few hours, you should get some sleep. Good night".

She looked hurt and was about to protest, but one hard glance at her made her retreat. She turned to her right side and said her Duas.

Doing the same, my back facing her, I closed my eyes. I was slowly drifting off to sleep when a barely audible voice whispered behind me.

"May Allah fill your heart with light and grant you peace in your life. Aameen ".
A tear rolled down my cheek and in my heart, I said 'Aameen'.
I pray that I find balance in my life before I get weak and let go of everything.

Ya Rabb, I seek your guidance.