"Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war."

*************

Natalie's POV

Forget?

How can I teach him, when I haven't been able to teach myself that yet?

My throat bobbed, burned, and tightened; he was so close to letting free of everything I couldn't feel. He was so close.

So, I nodded my head, willing to grant him his wish, willing to give him everything and anything. 

That sane look in his green eyes snapped, that wild animal broke free, fulfilling my needs. With a swift motion, his hands tightened over my shoulders, whirling me around so fast. I gasped because he wasn't gentle anymore as he pulled my body to his, his palm pressing into my stomach as my back crashed into his front.

Am I feeling a huge erection against my back? Yes, yes, I am.

He still wants me. He wants me too and I shivered again at the notion.

We were facing the mirror in my room and the second I looked there, his green eyes captured mine. His knee moved and nudged my legs apart. His hand left my stomach and trailed upward, it reached my neck and slightly pressed there before he hooked his fingers below my chin, tilting my head, angling it right so he could have better access.

I felt his lips linger behind my ears, I watched as he dipped his head lower, tasting every little spot, trailing a hot line down to my neck, his movements were torturingly slow I was going to explode and shatter. Goose bumps erupted and shivered across my skin. My lips parted, my back arching against him, already feeling too much when he hadn't done anything yet.

I gasped lowly when his teeth grazed the soft skin of my neck, like he wanted to drain the blood and the life from my veins; he didn't know that I would gracefully let him. I wanted him to take me to his little dark corner and leave me there. I wanted him to inject that same poison in my heart; I wanted and wanted...

"Take me," I breathed out.

"I am taking you," He rasped against my neck, his other hand moved over my waist, below to my hip, and moved inward, going to my inner thigh. The feeling of his fingers so near made me move my legs closer, rubbing them together but he nudged them back apart.

"Use me," I added. Break me. Shatter me, "Do anything you want to me."

His eyes met mine in the mirror, wild and untamed, furious and liquidy, "No," He said, "You use something you want to discard later," He shook his head, "And Natalie, I'll never be done with you."

My heart shattered in my chest, I could feel it break apart all over again. Good, this feels like pain. I want it, I want all of the pain he is willing to give me.

My hand landed on his and I whirled around, leaving him no chance as I hastily unbuttoned his shirt, I shrugged it off his shoulders and he helped me as he discarded it away. My fingers went to his pants, unbuckling his belt, getting rid of those two. I didn't want clothes, I wanted skin on skin.

Broken heart against a broken heart.

My movements paused momentarily when my gaze flickered up, falling into his chest, each and every scar was engraved into my memory by now that I could easily draw them on paper. I've memorized them, I've felt them, tasted the pain of them on my lips.

Instinctively, I brought my hand forward, wanting to feel them again, to relive all that pain but Nikolas's hand shot out, it curled over mine, stopping me before I got to make contact. I met his eyes, "You won't let me touch you?"

He shook his head and he took a step forward, "Not today."

The dangerous wolf in his eyes made me take a step back, and he moved forward like I was his delicious prey, one hand capturing both of my wrists, the other over my shoulder as he pinned me to the wall. The coldness of the cement scratched at my bare back and before I could breathe, he slammed his lips back into mine.

His tongue thrust into my mouth, ruthlessly playing and toying with me. He twirled and pushed it with his own, showing it where to move, what to taste, where to go. He pinned my wrists above my head and his other hand moved and explored the side of my head, his fingers weaving my wet strands, tightening over them, tugging back a bit as he angeled my face right so he could taste every bit of me.

I fought to break free of his grasp on my wrists, needing to touch him, feel him, I needed it but he didn't let me, he pressed hard, and a groan rumbled from his throat, "You don't get to touch me today, Natalie," He grated against my lips, sucking on my lower lip before he bit the skin and I squirmed, the fire in my stomach building up and up...

He dipped his head into the side of my neck, his warm hot lips nibbling, kissing, driving me to the brink of utter ruination and finally, he let go of my wrists, freeing them, "If you touch me, I will stop," he warned and a low whimper left my lips.

Trying to grasp at the edges of control, I pressed my shaky palms against the wall, trying not to reach out for him. My eyelids fell down, his lips blissfully leaving their mark over my skin. My head pressed back, his hot mouth explored me like it was day one, like this was our first time all over again. My chest churned when he ducked his head and took one nipple into his mouth. I arched back when he covered the hardened spot with heat and wetness.

Oh, god.

I wanted to touch him, to reach for him, to move my fingers through his hair, to dig my nails into his broad shoulders. I was panting, the need parted my lips in little whimpers and I couldn't touch him because he would stop and I never wanted him to stop.

He pulled back before moving to my other breast. Biting, teasing; before one hand pinched my nipple causing me to cry out. It hurts but so good. This torture, it's painful just like he is. He is painful. He is beautifully achingly painful.

"What will you do to me?" I whispered in quivering need, every part of me aching, the wetness that trickled in between and down my thighs wasn't due to my earlier bath anymore.

He released my throbbing nipples from between his lips —those beautiful lips slammed back into my mouth, "I will taste every bit of you on my tongue," He rasped against my lips, his hand trailing, his big strong fingers easing down, reaching between my thighs and possessively nudging them apart. He inhaled sharply, his jaw tight as he found my wet folds and played with them, gently and harshly altogether, "I will make you whimper and scream as you take my cock like the good girl you are."

My knees buckled, "Nikolas..."

Brutally, he kissed me, swallowing down my moans. His face was harsh and tight with need as he moved his fingers into my wetness and I could see him through the blurriness of my pleasure, his eyes the most beautiful shade I've ever seen; that very big forest but also my little secret garden, one I will keep escaping to no matter what.

I gasped and he entered me with a finger, a flash of wild lust taking over his eyes, "I want to feel you clench around me, to feel you stretch and grip me," His voice was rough and he kept pushing me, pushing and pushing, I was on the edge, "I want to feel you come all over my fingers and cock, Natalie."

God...

Forget it, even he won't save me now.

I lost my senses, my logic and brain melted, I was so close as he slammed those experienced fingers into me, breathing heavy, harshly and my arms instinctively moved and wrapped around his neck, my fingers pushing and threading through the strands of his hair and he...he stopped...

"No," I shot out, panting, "No!" My eyes widened as he withdrew his fingers away, leaving me shaking, on the brink of pleasure but never fulfilling.

His jaw ticked, the animal in his eyes wanted to devour and eat me alive before he'd push my aching body off a cliff, "I warned you," He grated out and I moved my hands away, "I won't...won't do it again, please," I begged, needing to feel him again, he was this shot of crack to my heart, ready to tear through me and break all of my walls.

My chest heaved, and my body felt cold with the absence of his touch, "Please, Nikolas."

My plea made him snap yet again. He moved with swift motion, with need and greed—greed for me.

I gasped when he whirled me around, when he moved me that we were facing the mirror again and we were so close. My hands fell forward with a yelp when he bent me down, my palms landing on the mirror's cold surface, my wide needy eyes meeting his hungry ones when I felt the tip of him right between my legs.

"Hold on tight," he grunted out.

"Nik..." The rest of his name tore out of my throat in a loud scream as he slammed into me, with no introductions, shaking me to the core. He spread me open so fast I felt like I was about to pass out, faint, and die under his beautiful painful assault.

He was painful. My tortured man, he was so painful and I wanted to absorb all of his pain...

His hand curled around my neck, pulling my head backward, my back arching, and I felt his nose behind my ear, breathing me in before he whispered, "How much did I miss you screaming my name," He rasped lowly against the side of my neck, my eyes felt liquidy but not with tears, with this wildfire of pleasure that coiled my stomach as I gazed at him through the mirror, recklessly, ruthlessly taking me from behind.

His eyelids fell down, his hand tightening over my neck as he fiercely slammed into me, one time after another till I couldn't breathe anymore, "God, I missed you," His tight voice echoed into my ears and spread like a drug into my blood, forcing me to pry my eyes and stare at him through the mirror.

He met my gaze with eyes that had never looked this heavy-lidded, and beneath it all, I saw it, quivering, and trembling beneath his gaze. I kept looking at him. Tan, cut muscles, over six feet of pure primal man. His skin felt so smooth and hot and so hard as it enveloped every part of me.

"Do you?" I whimpered between my lost breaths, "Miss me?"

"So bad I can't fucking breathe," He grated out, brutally slamming into me and I wanted to reach for him again, I wanted to hug him, to feel his erratic heartbeat beneath my touch.

Pleasure slammed back into me, so hard I felt like I would buckle and fall down but he kept his grip so tight around my body, holding me up in a world that wanted to bring both of us down.

"I can't breathe either," I murmured, breathlessly.

Maybe if we both stopped breathing together, it would finally work and we'd be in peace.

I was so done, I was so spent, one heartbeat away from coming and crashing, "Nikolas, please don't...don't let me do this alone," this, all of it, life in general, this pain, this heartache, this endless war.

"You're not going anywhere without me, baby," He whispered into my skin, his hand released my neck, and it pressed over my belly, at my lower abdomen as he thrust so deep inside of me, trying to get me there faster.

"Oh, god...Nik," I tried to speak, trembling as it started to build up, fast and hard, a tension knotting from the core of my body, a pleasure so consuming it had me move my arm back, going against his orders, and touching him again, unable to stop or break free from his spell.

Suddenly, his movements paused and I snapped my eyes open, "No, no, you can't do that again!" I shot out, furious, angry, I felt like crying, like crashing, like hitting him, like pushing him. His hardened gaze met mine and he withdrew out of me, leaving me throbbing for him in every way there is.

Panting, I whirled around so fast, breaking all of his stupid rules, "You can't do that," I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him to me, crashing our bodies together and I pressed my lips into his, kissing him, "You can't do that," I mumbled into his lips, feeling his hardness press into my stomach the further I pushed, "I want to touch you," I said into his lips, "I want to feel you, all of you," I cried into his mouth, and I felt his arms envelop me, defenseless against me.

"I want you," I groaned lowly, ready to be torn apart at the seams.

Another moan tumbled out of my lips when he kissed me back, harder, stronger, deeper. One instant he was pulling back, and now he was the owner of my mouth, and then he lifted me up like I weighed a feather, never breaking apart as he moved and lowered me into the bed. The comfy mattress enveloped my body and I sank further into its warmness.

I opened my eyes to look up at him, staring down at me like I was this little perfect thing he wished to own forever, "I want to touch you, please," I whimpered and his gaze flickered all over my face, his jaw tight, his eyes beyond ruined. He reached for my hand, flattening my palm before he gently pressed it over his chest, right where his heart was speeding off and breaking down.

My trembling fingers fluttered over his hot skin, my gaze focused on every little bit of perfect imperfection as I moved my fingers around, feeling him. Reaching over his muscular shoulders, my weak eyes sent him a message and he settled between my thighs like he belonged there. I curled my legs around his hips and locked him in this moment with me, keeping him close, so close I could feel all of him as he drove inside me again, this time slower, like he wanted to savor me till our hearts stopped beating.

His groan was gruff, it was full of need as he settled inside of me. His hand moved over my opened palm, his fingers lacing through mine, curling and pushing my hand further down the mattress.

His green eyes flared bright with an emotion so raw, so like him, so unique, so different than anything or anyone else.

All of my muscles tightened with the urge to come apart to that look alone. He never looked at me so possessively, so thoroughly...

He moved out of me and then back in, and I moaned louder as our flesh, our hot skins touched with each motion. Going up on his arms, he withdrew and pumped in again, establishing a rhythm that was deep and savoring and intense, almost like he couldn't control himself anymore.

He kissed my neck and I was holding so tight into him, clutching onto his big body with arms and legs, my mouth tasting every part of him I could get a grip on. I sank into his mouth, kissing him so deeply. Tension built up in me fast, so fast. He's in me. So deep in me. Almost like we never drifted apart, like we never stopped, like we could dissolve into one and never ever break away.

He took my face in his hands, and his voice was barely audible, "Keep looking at me, Natalie," he rasped and I kept looking at him, and I kissed him again and again, "Don't pull away," I heaved into his mouth, I clutched into his body so tight, I bit his lower lip, "Don't pull...away —Nikolas, oh my god..."

And I looked at him and I felt them in my eyes, I felt them seep through and trickle down. I felt it in my chest, the doors rattling before they got torn apart, I felt it in every bone, in every vein, in every nerve.

I felt it build and build and crash back down.

Nikolas's eyes were so focused on mine, the devastation breaking through as he gazed at my tears trickling down the side of my face.

I think I whispered to him to not stop and he didn't. He watched me with fire and pain, so much pain, and he pumped faster, deeper, and as exquisite as ever, prolonging my orgasm as I came apart. He looked at me, then edged closer, kissing my tears away, and with the way he clenched around me, his powerful arms, his throaty groan mixing with my moans and whimpers, I knew he was letting go too, coming apart with me.

I felt it all, everything.

Gasping, I cried, the tears uncontrollably fell down and clouded my eyes. My vision was blurry, I saw nothing but I saw him and I held onto his face as he held mine and I kissed his lips, "I love you," I cried into his mouth, my heart felt like it wasn't my own anymore and I kissed his lips again, "I love you, so much," I mumbled lowly before a sob wrecked through my being, tearing me at the seams and I whispered it again and again into his mouth.

He pulled me up, he gathered my broken pieces, and lifted me in his arms, holding me so close. He wrapped me from every side, as if attempting to shield me away from this pain. But he couldn't, the pain was erupting from within, seeping through my endless tears, in between my sobs and loud cries —I never cried out loud before, my tears were always silent and subdued but I couldn't now, I couldn't do anything but break apart.

Nikolas said something to me, he caressed my hair, he wiped my tears away, he kissed my head, he held me so close to his heart, he held me through it all.

The pain wasn't just emotional, it was physical, pressing over my muscles, grasping at my throat, wide-spreading over my chest, and coiling in my stomach.

So much pain.

And I held into Nikolas as I brokenly let all of it out.

****************

Nikolas's POV

She cried. God, she cried like I've never seen her cry before.

I don't how much time passed, I lost track of it. I could focus on nothing but her.

She broke apart in my terrified embrace; she allowed it all in, and then she pushed it all out.

At the moment, I wasn't sure if I did the right thing. Maybe she was better off running away, maybe it is easier to stay in the dark than to go treading underneath the light.

Low hiccups erupted from her trembling lips, a tremor pushed and surged in her chest, the tears staining her red cheeks but no more came out, she had extracted them all. Her cheek was pressed against my chest, sniffling lowly and her lost broken gaze was staring at nothing in specific at a distance.

I felt her shiver in my embrace. My gaze flickered around and I reached for the baggy t-shirt she had previously discarded over her bed. With gentle care, I draped it over her shoulders, guiding her arms through the sleeves, allowing the fabric to cover her before I pulled her back to my chest.

I didn't know what else to do.

My heart was racing in my chest and breaking apart at the same speed as I watched her.

I lowered my head, my lips pressed over the top of her head, my eyelids gliding down as her scent enveloped me all over again.

I inhaled and exhaled, trying to accustom my lungs to this heavy sensation. Carefully, I tried to shift her in my embrace and rested her on the mattress. I was about to pull back but fingers clutched into my arm, terrified blue eyes flickered up and I shook my head, "I am not going anywhere," I assured her before I edged closer, my fingers feeling her cheek as I softly pecked her lips.

She relaxed back into the pillows I stuffed behind her back, watching me as I picked up my clothes from over the floor, carelessly placing them back on. The shirt hung over my shoulders, buttons still undone as I walked to the bathroom. I washed up and took a small cloth before I dipped it in hot water. My eyes took notice of the hairbrush resting on the shelf, I reached forward and picked it up as well before I returned to Natalie's side.

I sat down by her side, I reached forward, gently moving my fingers over her thighs, using the warm cloth to clean up the mess we created, a testament to what we just shared. My heart squeezed so tight and I couldn't...couldn't think of tomorrow.

Tomorrow can come later. There is today now, there is this moment, there is her, needing me as I desperately needed her too.

Her gaze held a weighty intensity as I tended to her, tears lingering in her weary eyes but refusing to fall. Setting the cloth aside, I drew closer, gently running the brush through her damp, soft hair.

My fingers threaded through each strand and Natalie gazed at me with something so raw, "You are brushing my hair," She mumbled lowly, acknowledging my actions, her voice low and hoarse.

I nodded my head and she asked, "Did you brush anyone's hair before?"

A low breath pushed off my lungs and I nodded my head, "Lilly," I said, "I used to brush Lilly's hair."

My words lifted the corner of her lips, a faint somber smile as she drank into my words, "She loves you so much," She whispered.

My heart clenched so tight, "Yeah," I said, "I never understood why."

"Because kids, they see us for who we really are," She whispered, tilting her head as she looked at me, "Which is why she didn't love me when she first saw me, almost— almost like she could see through my lies."

My jaw tightened at the topic she brought up and I remained silent, not willing to walk down that road again.

I resumed my task, brushing her hair and her next words sent a quake of pain right to my heart, "You will be a great dad one day."

My fingers trembled over the brush and I paused. I moved my hand away, edging back, and behind my lids, I saw his little face again, his beautiful eyes, his consuming baby scent, how he felt in my arms, so fragile and little, so innocent and sweet, and everything I didn't deserve.

"The way you treated Nathan," She added, and I allowed my gaze to fall down, my fingers moving and curling over the sheets, "The way you treat Lilly, and even Chris," No, no, I don't want to think of that, no, "It comes natural to you, doesn't it?"

I blinked my eyes open and faced her again, "When you are with them, you don't pretend," She added, her voice a soft whisper but her words held a weight so big it could crush me, "You don't act, you don't think, you just feel it, don't you?"

"I think..." She edged her body closer, she brought her hand up, and rested it over my chest, "I think they speak to the little kid in you. He connects with them. He revels in their innocence because he had lost so much innocence so early."

I stared back at her and I tried to breathe.

She pulled her hand back, agony danced on the edge of her tone, her lips twitching into something resembling pain, "I just got him back, Nikolas," She whispered the bitter truth, shaking her head at the cruel joke of fate, "How could it be...how could it be fair to lose him when I had just gotten him back."

My jaw tightened, my eyes fell down and I shook my head, having no answer for that. To be honest, I stopped questioning a lot of things. Life was just a cruel place, it could do anything, it could take anyone, and it could flip you upside down in mere seconds. It gives, then, it takes.

And oh, does she love it when she takes; does she enjoy it, does she revel in your misery, as it twists you in its tender raw fingers— Life was messy. It was always so messy. So bloody.

This life took so much from me.

It gave me moments only, and took away decades.

"Will you stay with me till I fall asleep?" Natalie's soft whisper broke into my thoughts and I pushed myself from underneath the crashing waves, pulling up to meet her achingly beautiful gaze.

I nodded my head.

"I don't sleep, lately," She mumbled, "When I sleep, I see him."

"Is it too bad to see him?" I asked, because I wished I could.

She shook her head, "No, but it's usually a very bad dream when it's him in it."

She sniffled, leaning backward into her pillows as she gazed at me, "What about you?" She asked, in need of talk so she wouldn't go tumbling down that path again, "What do you dream about?"

"Lots of things."

"Good or bad?" She asked.

"Both," I said, "Usually more bad than good. Actually —it was all bad till I met you."

My words tightened the pained lines over her forehead, "You dream about me?" She whispered.

"Yes."

"What do you see?"

"Lots of things," I said, "Many like what we just did a bit ago," I added, aching to see her smile, and she smiled, those beautiful broken lips lifted just enough to make my heart soar and swell.

I fought my smile too as I watched her, "What else?" She asked, "Tell me about one of them."

"There is this specific one that re-occurs a lot," I said and she nodded her head, urging me to carry on, to give her every little detail and I granted her wish, "We are usually in a car, driving down a very long road, it seems like it's never-ending," I explained and intently she listened, absorbing every letter and every word, "It almost looks like we are leaving everything behind, and we drive off."

I gazed at her happy face, "You always look so happy," I whispered, "Even I, look happy."

Her smile grew a bit wider, "And in the end, we reach a house, a small cozy house," I added, "And we take our things and we go down, and when I open the door —"

My pause had her eyebrows pull closer, "When you open the door?"

I shook my head and she asked again, "What's in the house?"

"I don't know," My answer tightened the frown over her face, "Every time I open the door, I wake up. The second I place my hand on the kob, I wake up," I explained, "It's almost like my subconscious is warning me, that even in my dreams, I am not allowed to dream of such a thing."

I watched as her throat bobbed, as she swallowed hard before she patted at the spot next to her, "Come here," She whispered and I did anything she wanted, today, I will do all she wants. I edged closer and leaned my back, she wasted no time in climbing right into my arms, fitting in them like she always did.

Her arms went around my waist, and she nestled her head over my chest and the crook of my neck, "I will tell you what's in that house," She said, her voice a soothing whisper.

"Inside it, there is everything you ever wanted," She said, "Everyone you've ever loved is in there."

I pressed the back of my head against the headboard, resting my eyelids as she carried on, "When we open the door, at first, there is this very tasty smell of food being cooked, of spice and herbs, of something that you really like," She mumbled, drawing images in my head, completing my dream for me, "When we step in, well, of course Massie and Nachos will come running to us, because we've been on a very load road," Her tone turned slightly playful and my lips twitched.

"You would crouch down and rub your hand over Nacho's head, and Massie would get so jealous, hissing and pushing him away from your loving touch," She added, and every word played behind my closed eyelids, "Then, there is Alex inside, he and Emma are arguing about something as usual, and she punches him hard and he turns and starts whining to you about it."

"You brush him off, especially when you see Lilly, and she sees you and she pushes herself off the couch and comes running to you so fast," She added, "You pick her up and you kiss her, and she kisses you, gushing about something before she rests her head on your shoulder and hugs your neck so tightly."

My heart felt like it could burst and she carried on, "And then — then you turn to the kitchen, and you see your...mother in there, cooking you your favorite dish," She added, her voice dropping down and I never realized such beautiful words and images could hurt so fucking bad.

"She greets you with a warm smile and you walk closer to her, and you peck her cheek and she offers you a spoon of what she's cooking, and you taste it," Her voice tightened with chocked sadness, almost like she could feel my own, "And you tell her it needs more salt and she rolls her eyes and tells you since you know it so well, why won't you cook it yourself," She sniffled, her words choked and my throat clogged, the hot tears pushed through my closed eyelids and I didn't dare to open my eyes yet.

"You both laugh it off, and you drop Lilly beside her on the countertop as she continues to gush about something," She added, her delicate fingers moving over my cheek and wiping the tears off my cheek, "You walk back and Ronald sees you and he rushes to you, starts talking about a problem at work and you sigh and you roll your eyes at him because you know it's fixable but Ronald always exaggerates things and likes to be so annoying."

My lips twitched and she ran her thumb over them, "Then you push him away and he grumbles some profanities and I slap his arm because there are kids in the room," She added, ruining me again with the next image, "Kids...like —like Nathan, who is on the couch, he and Jeremy playing their favorite video game," My chest ached, everywhere ached, today was taking so much from me but also was giving me things I never had.

"You push Jeremy out of the way, and you sit beside him, and you play with him," She added, I could hear her tears too, "And you let him win, because seeing him happy makes you happy," She sniffled, "It makes me happy, and you just love to make me happy."

"But then, you hear that little squeal in the other room," She wasn't done, but my heart couldn't take more of this, "And you go there, and you see him awake, and you pick him up from his crib," She said, her voice so weak now, drained, "You cradle him in your arms, you kiss his little face and he smiles, and he laughs and you hug him so tight to your chest and you tell him all about your day."

I finally managed to pry my eyelids open, my vision blurry as I averted it down, to look at her, as she gazed back at me, her tears matching my own, her hand cupping my cheek, her fingers wiping the pain away, "In that house, there is everything you ever wanted."

A normal life.

A life.

A family I can call my own.

She shook her head, "In that house, there is the life that you deserve to have."

She carressed my face, ever so brokenly, "I am sorry," She mumbled, shaking her head, "I am sorry that I couldn't give you that life."

She edged closer, her lips pecking my own, softly, brokenly, "I am sorry that I failed you," She kissed me slowly again and there were a hundred different things I wanted to apologize for as well; all of my sins, all the blood I've shed, all the souls I've taken, but I couldn't manage to get a single word out of my sore throat.

"I failed you," She whispered again, "As a therapist," She kissed me again, "As a girlfriend," Another kiss, "And as a human."

It's okay. I failed too.

*****************

Natalie's POV

Nikolas stayed, he didn't leave me.

Yet.

He stayed by my side all through the night.

He ordered me some soup and forced-fed me, aware that I was seconds away from fading into nothingness.

He bathed me, he tended to me, he brushed my hair, he kissed me, he fed me, he held me...he stood by my side on my darkest day ever. In a way, today, he loved me.

My head was now resting over his lap, his fingers gently and ever so soothingly caressing my hair. My eyelids would drop down, the exhaustion weighing heavily on my limbs but I kept fighting it, not willing to sleep just yet. I had a feeling that when I woke up, he wouldn't be here anymore.

My gaze fell to my nightstand, where the old worn-out notebook rested, most of its pages read by me, "You see that beige notebook," I mumbled and I felt the movement of his hand pause a bit as he turned his gaze to it, "Yeah?"

"It belonged to my mom," I explained, my lids so heavy, I was crashing down, "She always kept a diary," I mumbled sleepily, "And after...after I understood that Isaac, that he had a connection to her somehow, I dug it up," I added, "In this one in exact, she only wrote about him."

I could feel Nikolas tense slightly but I was so out of it, I couldn't even move my head or open my eyes, "The way she described him, you'd think he was the prince in shining armor."

"She described him as the hero of her story."

"At first, I thought his love was one-sided, you know," I mumbled, "But no, she loved him too."

"She wrote all about it, they were together for too long but they both wanted different things," I said and Nikolas only listened, "She wanted to leave, and he wanted to stay."

"So, he helped her escape, he arranged it all, he did everything for her," I added, "He even stood there as she walked down the aisle and married my dad. She knew how that must've hurt him, killed him, to see her move on and build a life of her own, away from him, but he never stopped helping her, he always stood by her side, through it all, from beginning to end."

"He loved her," I said, "Selflessly."

"He expected nothing in return."

"You can read it, if you want," I mumbled, my voice dropping way too low, "If you want to see this other side of him, you can take and read it."

Sleepily, I reached forward, searching for his hand. He understood it and reached for my lost hand, curled it over mine, warm and big and safe, "We won't have the same end as theirs, right?" I whispered.

And I was drifting...drifting far away, "You will still be here when I wake up, right?"

I fell asleep before I could hear his response, and it was for the best that I didn't.

****************

The gentle warmth of the sun tapped my face, coaxing me awake from my slumber. Blinking my tired eyes open, I allowed them to flutter closed again. It was the first time for me to wake up normally, not drenched in sweat and panting like I did all over the past month.

Bringing my hand up to my face, I rubbed at my eyes, attempting to clear the fog of sleep from my mind. And then, in an instant— clarity washed over me like a crashing wave.

My eyes shot open, wide with sudden realization, and I sat up abruptly. Glancing beside me, I found the space empty, a sinking feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. Scanning the room frantically, my tiny glimmer of hope shattered as I confirmed his expected absence.

A stuttered breath pushed out of my lungs and I backed my trembling body into the headboard. The tears started to gather and I pulled my knees up, my eyes searched every corner of my room, recalling everything we shared yesterday, all the bad, all the good, and all the pain.

My eyes fell on the nightstand next to me, my breath hitching at the sight that welcomed me. Lines etched between my eyebrows and carefully I reached out and picked it up...the book, the sketchbook, the one I got for him.

A note was attached to its cover, his handwriting scribbled across the thin paper:

'You told me to close my eyes and paint what I see,
this is the only thing I saw.'

With my quivering fingers, I opened it up, my heart crashing as I looked at the first drawing, then the next, then the one after it...there were a total of six. All of them of —me.

Just me. Me, doing random things, like snapshots of our daily lives, one he had stored deep into his memories before he expressed it on the white canvas with such diligent, utter perfection and attention to detail.

My fingers brushed over the last painting, the one that had three words scribbled beneath it, spelling out; 'My delicate girl.'

I closed the sketchbook and brought it closer to my chest, hugging it so tight, holding into the little pieces of him I've got left.

My eyes pressed shut and I felt like I might drown again. Everywhere hurts, everything hurts.

I pried my eyes open when I felt another presence in the room. My blurry gaze fell on Ronald, standing by my doorway. His devastated gaze was solely on me, the pain radiating off my body hit him everywhere and he moved forward, getting so close till he dropped on my bed's edge.

The book fell from my grip, "Ronald," I mumbled so brokenly and pushed myself forward toward him.

He wrapped me up in his arms, pulling me so close to him and I buried myself into his chest, crying for our loss, for our pain, for everything.

"I don't know what I am going to do," I whispered through my tears, clutching into him as he clutched into me.

"I know," he mumbled into my hair, "I know, Natalie, but whatever it is, we will do it together, I promise."

I hiccupped a low sob, pulling back slightly so I could look at him, so he could hold my face, so he could brush my tears away, "I am right here," He said, assuringly and I nodded my head, believing him this time.

He kissed my forehead and he pulled me back to his chest, holding me together as we both grieved, "I am not going anywhere."

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One more chapter to go...🥹