"In the realm of hearts, love prevails with might,
Yet some battles defy even its radiant light."

*****************

Nikolas's POV

It's not working.

The drug, it is not working. Or maybe my brain is refusing the treatment and is repelling it out of my system in the form of dark absent memories. Threads of thoughts are unraveling, becoming loose and frayed. It feels like my sanity's fabric is slowly beginning to fade away, detaching me from this reality.

I dropped Natalie at my place, desperately needing the distance away from her as I try to grasp back the control over my own head.

The metal door slid open after I typed the code and I marched into the training area, my eyes searching for one person only. My men stepped away, clearing my way when I moved forward, the negative energy vibrating off me was enough to keep them silent and unquestioning.

My gaze fell on Ronald amongst the crowd and my jaw ticked, fury intertwined with the madness, and in a flash, I was in his face, drifting his attention away from the task in his hand, as he was going on training one of my men. He turned his head, his eyes meeting mine and before he could comprehend my presence, my fingers curled over his shirt and I harshly pushed him back against the wall, letting whatever he was holding in his hand tumble down to the floor with a thud.

His eyes widened and his confused gaze flickered down to my tight grip over him. His throat bobbed slightly as his eyes slowly lifted up to meet mine, lines etched between his eyebrows before he playfully asked, "So, what did I do this time?"

I pushed him harder against the wall, the once harmonious thoughts surging in my head became discordant screams now, "Where did you get them from?"

Confusion tumbled from him in waves, "Got...what, and from where?"

A groan rumbled from my chest, I was ready to rip him to pieces without a care in the world, "The fucking pills, my pills, where did you get them from?"

My words didn't clear the confusion surging in his eyes, "What do you mean...I already told you," He mumbled, "We don't produce them anymore but I know a guy, he has a source in Russia-" He tried to explain but the madness reflecting off my gaze had a frown pull deeper between his eyebrows, "Did...did something happen?"

They were working; everything was okay. Since that day, I was okay...but what the hell is happening today? I was fighting through it since the morning, the headaches, the distorted thoughts, I was kind of in control till that incident an hour ago. It wasn't like anything else I'd experienced due to the absence of the drug. It wasn't just a memory. It was almost like she was there right in front of me. It was almost like I was in my old self, feeling the same hate and experiencing that old bitter vengeful feeling.

It's not just the drug...something is not right.

I harshly let go of Ronald, who seemed to be more baffled now as I whirled around and marched toward my office, slamming the door shut behind me, needing a minute or two alone. My palms fell over the desk, grasping at its edges as my head fell down, my eyes pressing shut and fighting through whatever was happening to me. Visions fragmented, they shattered around me like shattered dreams. The whispers in my head echoed louder, incessant, and unclear, an enigmatic symphony only I can hear.

I retreated back and pulled the pill bottle from my jacket's pocket. I looked at it, wrapped between my fingers as I tried to figure it out. Those weren't my usual pills, I am sure. They are something else and they're doing this to me. I took more today, meaning the effect will be doubled. My vision blurred, unable to read the words scribbled over the plastic bottle.

I blinked, once and twice...

"Looks like you have finally gone utterly mad, huh,"  The familiar voice had my eyes widen and I whirled around so fast, meeting the owner. My gaze flickered to the door, which was still shut then to the woman standing across from me, arms crossed over her chest, eyes focused on mine.

I shook my head, "You are not real," I mumbled to myself, taking a step backward and closing my eyes, forcing my brain to cooperate, "I know that you are not," I whispered to myself, opening my eyes and looking at the bottle in my hand, making sense of it all, "It's these, they are making me see things...hallucinate," I scoffed, my jaw ticking, my fingers tightening over the bottle, "It's Isaac, isn't it."

"You see that's the thing, you do know that it is not real, that you are hallucinating for sure, but you can't control it," Cara, or the figment of her I am projecting into this mad world, still stood there, inching closer to me. Her eyebrow raised, "But why me?" She questioned, my inner subconscious mocking me back, "You could've been hallucinating about anyone, your mother, Frank, even Isaac, but why is it always me?"

I shook my head, refusing to indulge in this further. Frank did this to me before, he injected a similar drug into my veins for days and days till I couldn't differentiate what was real from not. I can't let that happen again. Focus, Nikolas, focus...

"Still can't get over me, can you?" She spoke still, she moved around, her hands running over the objects placed on my desk till they fell into Natalie's framed picture. She tilted her head and picked it up, "Does she know?" She looked at me, eyes questioning, "Did you ever tell her or do you plan on hiding that fact till what...till you get married and have kids, planning to confess it on your deathbed maybe?" This...this was just inner thoughts voicing themselves out loud. She is not here. She is a mere projection of my inner madness.

"What do you think she will do? How would she react?" She added, placing the picture back in its place and circling her way around the desk, "Do you think she'd have it in her to ever forgive you?" More words, more unanswered questions, "Will love really conquer it all?" She added with mockery, lowly chuckling at the thought, "Or will you end up ruining her life just like you do to everyone?"

She paused when she was one breath away from mine, eyes that always looked at me with fear and hate stared back into mine, almost like they could see right through my soul. Words, like autumn leaves, drifted aimlessly, all of them lost in the labyrinth of my mind's decree. The world outside was a hazy mirage to me now, locked into this veiled perception that I madly forged, "Say something," She carried on, "But right, how could I forget, with me, you never spoke, you just...took action."

My jaw tightened and my fingers curled into the inside of my palm, "Do you do that to her too?"

Reason and logic, crumbled and faded.

"Or was that treatment reserved only for me?"

Chaos reigned, my thoughts entwined; a kaleidoscope of madness, unrefined.

I closed my eyes, "Go away," I whispered to myself, forcing my thoughts to align, refusing to fall for this or I will lose my mind for sure.

"Go where?" She is still here, she is not going away, "You know that I am just your inner guilt, your inner hate speaking, I am going to always be there," I felt her hand press over my chest, "Where will I ever go, Nikolas?" I opened my eyes and she was still there, reminding me of every fucked up thing I had done. I shook my head as memories drifted around me like elusive phantoms, and I tried to grasp at fragments, those like forgotten anthems.

"You remember it all, don't you," She added, reading through my messy thoughts because she was one of them, the messiest and the one occupying the most significant space, "You remember everything like it was just yesterday."

"You wish you could just forget it all...like I never existed in your life," Her eyebrows raised, mocking me, "As if you were the victim in that story."

True, I wish I could just forget it all but I know that I won't, that I never will, it was my very own form of punishment; to remember and never be able to move on.

"But the victim was me, Nikolas, it was me, and if you," She scoffed, "If you are unable to forget, then how will I ever?"

I took a step backward, needing her away, needing this madness to just cease. If it goes any longer, I will not be able to recover. My palm rested on the desk's edge, my grip tight, clinging to anything real, trying to plant my feet in this world because my mind was pulling me further down that rabbit hole, leading me to the past, to another delusional reality, playing with me, back and forth, like a dance of shadows in the labyrinth's maze.

I tried to chase the elusive truth. My fingers trying to reach and grasp at the ethereal strands of reality. But the harder I tried, the more the truth eluded me, slipping right through my fingers.

I tried to focus. I tried to train my brain, the one that was fed similar drugs more than any normal human could handle, I trained it to fight through, to differentiate what's real from what's not. I blinked through the haze and when my eyelids glided open, she wasn't there anymore. She was gone and air pushed itself back into my lungs as I breathed my way out of this craziness.

My shoulders fell down and I almost got relieved but it didn't last long. Apparently, my brain wasn't strong enough.

The sound of a low dramatic clapping from behind me had me whirl around so fast, my bewildered gaze falling on the office's door, it was opened now as he walked inside, his smile sadistic as he gave me a look through, enjoying the state of madness he caused.

I looked at the door that led him inside once again, trying to understand. He is...he is not real either. He can't be. He is not real. He doesn't know this place, it's my only hideaway, he is not here, he is just another projection of my drugged consciousness. Like her, I can make him disappear. Focus, Nikolas, just focus...

His head tilted slightly as he gazed at me, he looked so damn real, "I can't deny it, it really gives me pleasure to witness you squirm like this," He spoke, his voice sounding so authentic, just like him. His presence radiated the same energy, the one that envelops the whole room every time he was present. Maybe he is...maybe I am not imagining this part. But if he was to enter here, my men would've stopped him, and there would be chaos outside, but I hear nothing. Logic, I need to find the logical part to figure out what's real from what's not.

Logic. Think of all things logic, Nikolas. Keep your focus.

He chuckled lowly, straightening his body and tucking his hands into his coat's pocket, my gaze was just on him, tracing each movement, and every fucking detail, it was all uncanny, "Are you trying to figure out if I am real or not?" He questioned with pure mockery. My jaw ticked, and my fingers on the side twitched, more than ready to make my move. Real or not, I needed to smash his old face.

His gaze fell onto my hand, catching the way I inched it closer to the back of my pants. His eyebrow raised, "I may not be real, though," He looked at my face again, "Maybe I am just another day-nightmare, because well, if it's not Cara, it's gonna be me, and if it's not me, it's gonna be Frank, and if not him, it will be your mother..."

He couldn't finish that specific last word as I pulled my gun out and rushed him into the wall, my fingers curling over his shirt as I pushed him further into the concrete surface, my gun-wielding hand moved, resting the barrel of the gun below his chin, ready to blow his brain out, "Don't-" I warned him through clenched teeth.

Our faces were so close, I could feel him, could clearly hear the air that pushed in and out of his chest, and feel his heart pumping beneath my harsh grip. Logic...logic is telling me that he is real, that he is here. Rationality intertwined with delusion and I couldn't figure it out. Time slipped away from me, a merciless tide. My soul withered beneath the clashes and my mind unraveled, a tapestry undone.

"You think you are going to win, Nikolas," He added, his earthy brown eyes that hate me so much stared back at me like they always did, with utter distaste and disgust, repelled by the DNA we shared, "You thought you will take my kid away and I will just stand on the sidelines, watching you," He said and I shook my head, pushing the weapon deeper into his skin, "He is not your kid," I grated out.

My words had his chest vibrate and amusement flickered off his eyes, "How petty of you, to be jealous of a nine-year-old kid?" He added in mockery, "Just because he earned my affection and you never did? Are you that desperate for it? So desperate for me to recognize you as my son, so very desperate for my love?"

I shook my head, "I am just desperate to watch you die," I shot out before I threw my gun away, letting it clatter to the floor. My fingers curled into a fist before I planted it into his face, needing to feel it up close, to experience every single bit of it. I didn't stop, one hit got followed by another. I didn't see anything but red, I didn't give myself or him the chance to breathe, I just let out my inner fury into his face.

In the depths of my unraveling mind, hallucinations danced, blurring lines I once knew. Reality's veil got lifted up, revealing a distorted sight, one where illusions and truths entangled, eluding me of any sense of control.

Whispered echoes and voices wrapped around my surrounding and I dismissed them, believing that they are just playing tricks on my perception. Faces morphed and voices twisted again, a disorienting reception till they become familiar.

"Nik...Nikolas!" The world around me trembled, especially when I felt hands reach for me from behind, those hands tried to pull me away, "Nikolas, stop!" Finally, the voice's owner won, his sound penetrated through my haze and I broke the contact, backing away. My eyes moved, they drifted to Jeremy behind me, the one who was trying to pry me away from my victim.

His eyes were wide with terror and shock, they were focused on the result of my delusional actions. My eyes left him and flickered down to my fisted hand, the one that was hurting me now, I blankly watched the crimson blood covering my knuckles before I let my gaze drift to the person I had pinned against the wall just a second ago.

My eyes slightly widened when they fall on Ronald, on the bloody mess I projected over his face. Jeremy rushed to his side, his hands reaching for Ronald's arms, helping him get up to his feet after my attack had sent him down. Ronald's gaze was on me only, anger and confusion darkened the blue of his eyes, "That was so uncalled for," He mumbled and he winced when he tried to touch his bruised face.

He seemed to be trying to catch his breath and I stumbled backward, trying to understand my own self. Behind the immense anger, there was a slight worry in his eyes as he watched me, trying to figure out why I did what I did to him, "What the hell is happening to you?" He grated out and I had the answer but it was impossible to voice it out loud.

Jeremy beside him got paler by the second, his gaze flickered from the blood on Ronlad's face and to me, indirectly questioning my unexplainable act of aggression.

My eyes flickered to the door, where a few men stood and witnessed me unleash the madness. Feeling like the four walls were closing up on me, feeling the oxygen get snapped off my lungs, I immediately moved away. I went for my gun, picking it up from the floor before I reached for my car keys from the desk and marched toward the door, needing to escape this before they witness me wholly unravel at the seams.

The shock kept them standing still, even when I reached the door. Unable to control myself anymore, "Move out of my way!" I barked out loudly and they immediately cleared my way, eyes widening in terror and I cared for nothing as I walked away.

"Nik...wait- what's wrong?" I heard Emma's voice behind me but I ignored her, fastening my steps and trying to reach the damn exit, "Nik-" She called for me again, trying to catch up with me, probably confused at my unnecessary outburst.

I kept ignoring her, stepping into the elevator and pressing the button harshly, making the metal doors shut fast. Emma paused at the other side, her confused eyes on me, her lips parting to say something but the door closed and took me to the upper floor before she could. I wasted no more time and rushed out of the building and toward my car.

My hand fell on the handle, ready to open it when I heard her damn voice again behind me, "Well, that was something else."

Before she, or the image of her I am hallucinating, say more, I whirled around, snapping at the sick game this is, "Leave me alone!"

I got into my car after, placed my keys, and roared the engine, ready to take off when I felt her presence near again. I looked at the side, where she gracefully sat, seatbelt on and all, as if she was real. God, I am losing my mind...

I knew I wasn't gonna get an easy pass out of this. I needed to probably knock myself unconscious till the drug's effect wear off or else I am never recovering from the impact.

"So, where are we going?" Cara, the one my drugged mind created, asked.

Air harshly pushed out of my lungs and she smiled, amused at my uncomfortableness, "Well, now you know what it feels like to be trapped with someone against your will."

"Touché," I mumbled, my fingers tight over the steering wheel as I drove off, trying to keep myself alert while driving.

"Oh, so you are finally acknowledging my presence," She commented on my willingness to finally indulge and interact with her.

I kept looking at the road, "You are not real," I muttered under my breath, once and twice, forcing myself to keep intact.

"Still, you can talk to me," She said back.

I turned to her, glaring and she tried to hold back her laugh, "The real me would've loved to see you like this, you know, the whole going crazy and talking to yourself."

"Why won't you just leave me alone?" I said, my voice sounding so energyless and deprived because I'd reached my limit for the day.

She shrugged, "Since I am merely a hallucination coming from your mind, you tell me, why won't you stop thinking about me?"

My shoulders dropped down, feelings nothing but defeated in this messy world, "I don't know."

A moment of silence wrapped over my mind as I drove toward an unknown destination. The silence broke when the ringing of my phone echoed into the inside of my car. My gaze fell on the screen, watching Natalie's name flash through. It was the third time she'd called since I dropped her off. Even though I tried to hide it, she sensed my disoriented state back at her old house, and when I dropped her at my place. She asked if I was okay and I brushed it off like it was nothing.

I couldn't answer her call, at least not now. I can't have her witness me in such a state.

The line went dead and the annoying figure beside me had to comment on it, "I feel bad for her, she deserves so much better than you," She said and my heart squeezed so tight in my chest because this person beside me is merely a projection of my inner subconsciousness and those were thoughts I have deep inside and believe in. But hearing them out loud though; it wrecked my insides again, only reminding me that our story will end in tragedy only.

"You love her though, don't you?"

My inside shattered into fragments, scattering around like fallen stars. The weak strings of my heart unwind like a mournful melody, and anguish swept through my soul, leaving wreckage in its wake. Love's gentle flame extinguished, leaving an icy void within my chest as I slowly nodded my head, unable to deny it or look past that fact any longer.

How could I deny such a thing when Natalie had etched her name upon the fabric of my being, like an indelible mark. I struggle every day to fathom a life, a reality, where she isn't an integral part of me and my life.

"If you do, then why do you keep thinking about me?"

I looked at her, figuring out that part a little, "I know why," I mumbled, "It's because I won't allow myself to fully move on if you haven't."

"And did I?"

I shook my head, "I don't know," My gaze flickered to the rearview mirror, checking if the road is clear before I placed the car in reverse and went in the opposite direction to where I was originally headed, "But I am about to figure that out," I added, "Because I will go crazy if I keep seeing you everywhere," That if I haven't already gone mad, considering I am speaking to myself and all...

It didn't take me long to reach my destination. I parked the car on the road's side, my gaze flickering to the house positioned across and I contemplated my decision, "Alex is so going to kick your ass if you go knocking there without informing him first," She still spoke and I needed her to go away, which is exactly why I am here.

I went down and across, reaching the porch, my fist in the air, ready to knock on the door. Alex's car isn't here, he must be at work and I really shouldn't be here either but before I could logically digest my decision, I knocked, "Bad idea, I tell you," She was still here, mocking me yet again and it was getting hard to tolerate her imaginary presence.

I ignored her as I heard some shuffling and low sounds coming from behind the closed door, sounds that resembled a...baby's laugh and I forced myself not to think of that, especially when the footsteps inched closer and the door finally glided open. Cara was on the other side, her hand on the knob, the shadow of a smile that previously occupied her face vanished at my mere sight, her eyebrows pulled closer, confusion wrapped the shock within her gaze, "Alex is not here," She said, right away.

I nodded my head, "I know," I mumbled and I could see her tighten her grip over the knob, ready to slam the door shut in my face, "Can we...can we talk?"

Lines etched her forehead, "Talk?" She asked, confused, "About what? I can't think of anything for you and me to talk about."

"Wow, I really do hate you, don't I?" The other imaginary her spoke and I wanted to slam my head against something to erase her and her voice from my mind; She is right in front of my eyes yet I still hallucinate of her. I needed a getaway, I can't take more of it...

"Cara, I am literally losing my mind, so please, I won't take much of your time, I just-"

"Mommy-" Lilly's voice had me shut up and I edged to the side, out of her direct path of sight. Cara's confused gaze flickered to me, on how I hid myself away and I shook my head, "I don't want her to see me like this."

Cara looked back inside, "Mommy, Max wants to eat my crackers," Lilly whined and I heard Cara tell her, "It's okay, he can have one of them, why don't you sit by his side as he eats it and I will come back in a bit."

"Okay, he can have my crackers," Lilly replied before she turned around, convincing herself with the idea, "Daddy will buy me more of them anyway," She added with a sing-song tone before she disappeared down the hall.

Cara's gaze drifted from Lilly's retreating back and to me. She stepped out of the house, pausing right by the door's boundaries, keeping the door ajar behind her. Her blank gaze was on me still, "Make it quick," She said and I didn't know where to start.

I swallowed hard, "I...I can't get you out of my head."

"Excuse me?" She questioned with an arched eyebrow. She looked more than ready to punch me in the stomach.

"Uh-oh, you phrased that sentence wrong, she will think you love her, which is so eww," The imaginary her spoke and I looked back at Cara, "No, no, not in that way," I added, "I just...uh," I was at a loss for words, failing to express what I wanted to say. It's harder to convey a point when you're losing your damn mind.

I rushed a shaky hand over my face, I pushed the strands of hair away from my forehead, running my hand through them, and grasping at their edges. I let out a loud sigh from my chest, "Are you...happy?" I asked and more lines etched her forehead, her gaze flickering all over my face like she was inspecting it and sensing how I was teetering by the edge.

When she didn't answer, I added, "Did you...did you move on?"

My shoulders fell down and I felt the need to sit down, I felt exhausted even though I haven't exerted that much of a physical effort, "Do you still have those nightmares?" I asked, remembering clearly all the signs she showed, they were similar to mine; signs of trauma and abuse, "Do you still get any...panic attacks?"

There was a long moment of silence and I thought she was not going to answer until, "I haven't had any since Max was born."

A low sigh of annoyance left her chest and she looked away, crossing her arms over her chest before she faced me again, her eyebrow raising; desperately needing this to end fast, "Why are you here, Nikolas?"

I shook my head, not sure how to phrase the reason out loud, "Do you think...do you think that you'd ever be able to forgive me?" I curled my hand into a fist, my nails digging into the inside of my palm, trying to feel anything to keep my delusional mind from drifting off.

"I don't think she should," The imaginary her said from behind me, that figure was like the angel and the devil sitting on each of my shoulders, mocking me, pulling me up, and then bringing me down. I did my best to ignore the whispers of my hallucinating mind and focused only on Cara, the real her, standing right across from me.

She looked slightly taken aback by my sudden question, "That's not a question I can simply answer with a yes or no," She said, her tone blank, fed up with me already. Her eyes drifted back to the house's entrance, her attention focused on her kids' voices from inside, making sure they were alright. Her eyes met mine again, "Look, you don't seem...okay," Her eyebrows furrowed, needing this distraught version of me far away from her house, "I think it's better if you left."

"I will, but just...can you explain that to me first?" I said, ready to leave right after because the last thing I wanted was to make her feel uncomfortable again.

"You want me to explain to you how forgiveness works?" She said in disbelief, calling me out on the absurdity of the situation. Confused lines etched on her forehead when I nodded my head, I needed to hear her point of view; I have a feeling it will help me navigate through this madness somehow.

"You have really lost your mind, haven't you?" The whispers of her imaginary self multiplied and I tried to keep my focus.

"Please, just tell me how you see it, and I will be on my way right after," I added, wanting her voice and words to overcome the whispers enveloping my messy head.

There were a couple of moments of silence as she gathered her thoughts. Her jaw clenched slightly and she blew out a low sigh of annoyance before she spoke, giving the answer I was waiting for, "It's a process, forgiveness; it's a whole process that doesn't have a definite beginning or end," She answered and I intently listened to each word.

She looked away from me, focusing her eyesight on anything but my face, "I think that it starts when you acknowledge everything you feel, of how you process the many emotions related to the...issue," Her eyes met mine and I saw a flash of each of those emotions radiate through her strong gaze, "I felt anger, rage, and fury for way too long, then I felt sadness and I felt betrayal, I felt hurt and then numb, and I allowed myself to experience each of those feelings. I allowed myself to be angry at you, to want to hurt you back, to be sad and hurt by your action, I let myself feel it all because I knew it was all part of the process."

Each word hit too close to home and I tried to digest each thought, to relate it to actual moments I've been through over the past months.

"And after that?" I asked, my voice low, needing guidance toward the next step.

"After that, those feelings...they got me so overwhelmed and I didn't know how to deal with them anymore, it was getting exhausting and very tiring, which is when I knew it was time to seek help, a professional help, an opinion from those who specialize in such areas, those who can provide me guidance and support throughout this journey."

I nodded my head and she carried on to step number three, "They helped me understand what forgiveness actually means; that it is a personal choice and that it doesn't mean forgetting, it doesn't mean that I have to excuse your behavior or minimize it," A bit of aggressiveness surged through her tone before she kicked it away, focusing on the moment, "It is about finding peace within myself and letting go of the negative emotions associated with that incident."

"And right now, I think I am right at step number four," She said and I questioned, "And that is?"

"It's to set boundaries," She answered, "Because forgiving you Nikolas, it doesn't mean I have to reconcile with you, it definitely doesn't mean that I have to become your friend and tolerate your presence," She added, "It doesn't mean I have to stand here and explain to you the shitty period I had to go through all thanks to you, do you get that?"

I nodded my head, receiving her message, wide and clear. It both calmed and agitated me at once, because she...she had moved on from that pain, I can see that, she had focused on the important part of her life and she had pulled herself through. Now, as she stands across from me, she feels no fear, no anger, just annoyance, and confusion.

I turned my head behind me, watching the space, that the figure I was hallucinating about occupied, become empty now. The voices in my head dimmed down to a level I couldn't hear anymore. My shoulders dropped down in relief and I faced Cara again. She stared back at me with wary eyes, trying to figure out what was getting me so riled up and all over the place, "Thank you," I mumbled, grateful because I needed to hear all of that for some reason.

I took a step backward, rushing a hand over my face, "And I am sorry for showing up the way I did," I added, preparing myself for Alex's anger the next time I see him.

"First and last time, I hope," Cara remarked and I nodded, the corner of my lip lifting up just slightly, "Yeah, I promise."

I was about to step away but the sound of a joyful baby laughter bubbled from inside the house, clear enough for us to hear and my inside shattered down yet again. The ghost of the smile left my face and I felt all sorts of messed up again. The sweetest melody ever shouldn't make my chest tighten and my lungs malfunction the way they did.

My gaze flickered to Cara, "Is he...okay?" I asked it before I could think more of it, "Uh, Alex mentioned that he wasn't sleeping at night, and-"

"It was just his teeth, he is fine," She said. I thought she would refuse to indulge me in this conversation but she carried on, "He is a healthy and happy kid," She added and I wanted so many things I couldn't and shouldn't have.

"He is a lucky kid," I whispered, "Maybe he doesn't know it yet but he's got the best parents there is."

Her eyes searched my face for something, suspecting my words and I shook my head, "Anyway, I should go, I've disturbed you enough," I mumbled, ready to leave and she nodded her head, agreeing on me finally leaving and on the being disturbed part.

I left her side and walked away. I got into my car, my gaze flickering to the empty seat beside me and I released another breath of relief; maybe it was over, maybe the effect of the drug had finally worn off. I turned my attention to my phone, staring at the screen, at the many missed calls I received from Natalie. I roared the engine to life and decided it was time to go home. If today is proof of anything, it's that I need to tell Natalie, we had taken our relationship to the next level and she deserves to learn the truth.

I drove toward my place, my mind a bit calmer for some reason, even though it was fully aware of what I am about to do or say, of how tragically everything could go crashing down tonight. Still, I had to. It's been long overdue. Postponing the inevitable will end up hurting her and me even more.

Once there, I parked the car and got down, heading toward the entrance, placing my keys in, and opening the door. The second I stepped into the house and closed the door behind me, Natalie was rushing toward me, she paused a few feet away, her worried eyes caressing my face, "Hey," She said, ever so softly and I was already moving closer to her, "You got me worried, I've been calling you since-"

My hand landed over her waist, the other over the side of her neck and my head dipped down, catching her lips and interrupting the rest of her words, swallowing them down as I kissed her with everything in me. God, her presence, it's always a balm to the chaos within me. She...she is a respite from the storm that keeps wreaking havoc over my life.

The shock left her immobile for a second before she recovered and sank into my hold, melting into my embrace because she belonged right inside it. It was some kind of twisted fate that had brought us together and it would so goddamn cruel to break us apart again.

Natalie's hand climbed up and rested over my chest, right up against my crazy heart, the one fighting its way through my ribcage, ready to get out and fall into her graceful hold. Her fingers fluttered over my chest, climbing up to my neck, gently running them over my scar. I could never handle anyone touching that broken part of me but her gentle touch, was like a soothing melody, calming the tides of my inner sea.

I pulled back just slightly, breaking the kiss but keeping her tucked up all close. In her presence, sanity regained its hold over my head and I smiled, my fingers caressing her soft cheek, "Hey," I whispered back. She returned my smile and stared up at me with those hazy blue eyes, pools of innocence, those holding a depth that my soul longed to embrace and sink in forever. But forever was a damn lie. Forever was reserved for tales and movies, not for this mad world of mine.

"I forgot what I was about to say," She mumbled, "I mean not that I don't like it when you knock the oxygen out of me like that but...but did something happen?"

I nodded, "Kind of," I said, my smile slowly fading away as I thought of how I am about to ruin everything, just like I always do, "I need to tell you something."

Lines got etched between her eyebrows due to my wavering tone but she nodded her head nevertheless, urging me to carry on. My hand left her waist and went to capture hers, pulling her with me to the near couch. She sat down, her eyes curious but also worried, sensing the shift in the atmosphere, somehow understanding that our conversation isn't heading toward a happy place.

I sat across from her, over the edge of the table, so close to her, our knees bumping. I gently rested my palm over her thigh, my thumb lazily drawing circles, caressing the soft skin as I searched my head for the right way to start such a conversation. My silence intensified the tension around us and Natalie edged forward in her seat, resting her hand right above mine, urging me to look at her and I did. My tired green eyes meet her scared blue ones and I couldn't think straight again.

Her throat bobbed, swallowing hard, "Are you gonna break up with me or something?" She tried to make her tone playful but failed.

I shook my head, my lips forming a tiny smile at her chaotic self that I got used to way more than I should've, "Do you think anyone in their right mind would ever do something like that?"

She smiled but my words didnt relieve the stress etching lines between her eyebrows, "Natalie, I need to-" I started to say but was instantly interrupted by the ringing of her phone.

Natalie got flustered as she immediately pulled the phone from her pocket, "Uh, sorry, I..." She gulped down and her eyes met mine, "It's the hospital," She said, guiltily, "I should answer, uh, if something had happened or.." She tried to justify and I shook my head at her silly self, "Hey, it's okay, answer it."

Her lips pressed into a thin line and she got up to her feet, placing the phone to her ear and walking out of the room as she talked. I took that time to better gather my thoughts and practice what and how will I phrase all of that-

"Do you think it's such a great idea to tell her everything?"

My back tensed up and my head shot up at the voice. Fucking hell. I turned my head, my eyes falling on him again, still here, still in my head, still mocking and taunting me. I shook my head and looked away, I can't fall for this again. It's not real. Isaac isn't here. He can't be here. Keep your focus, Nikolas, keep your fucking focus...

"How will you explain it to her anyway?" He carried on, "How will you explain that you did to your brother's wife exactly what Frank once did to your mother?"

I pressed my eyes shut, "Come back, Natalie," I mumbled under my breath, "Come back."

"Do you really think she will forgive you?" He laughed, "God, you're so delusional my son and I am definitely not talking about the hallucinogen drugs I replaced your medicines with," He kept on talking, "How do you think I did that, anyway? You're smart, try and figure it out," He urged, "I don't know but maybe you are trusting the wrong people, Nikolas."

"I mean, Ronald for example, I gave him everything, he'd definitely do anything I want, don't you think so?"

"Shut up," I whispered, my nails digging into my knees, trying to keep myself in control.

"Maybe he will lead me right to where Nathan is," He added, footsteps echoing as he stepped closer to me, "And once I have him back again, you will pay for all of that with Max's blood-"

A groan rumbled from my chest and I couldn't take it anymore. The switch in my head snapped off and I was beyond thinking logically anymore. He was so close and I got up to my feet, my hands curling over him and I rushed him into the near wall. I wasted no time as my hand wrapped over his throat, ready to squeeze the life right out of him, "Enough," I grated out, tightening my grip, "Get out of my fucking head already!" I snapped, my gaze focused on my fingers as they dug into his skin, ready to tear him apart.

If I am ever thankful for anything in life, it's for those hands that landed over my shoulders from the back and harshly pulled me away, "Nikolas!"

I staggered backward, the force that pulled me was strong enough to break my trance. My eyes fell on Alex behind me, "What the hell is wrong with you?!" He snapped in bewilderment, his eyes wide with shock and he looked like he is about to beat the shit out of me.

The sound of a low strangled cough had me whip my head back to who stood across from me. A scene that will always become etched into the depth of my memories, one to haunt me forever. This type of forever, this is the one meant for the likes of me. Natalie grasped at her neck, her fingers rubbing at the reddish skin, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her next breath. A couple of coughs raced up her constricted throat and many many tears flew down her red cheeks.

Shock surged through my veins, a lightning bolt of dread as I witnessed the aftermath of...the pain I caused. I felt like I was about to fall and crash, like the world was spinning all around me and I was standing still. The agony clawed at my chest, right where heartbreak and guilt collided. The glass of this reality shattered all around me and I couldn't breathe, "No, Natalie, I -" I edged forward but Alex's hand landed over my arm, gripping it hard and stopping me in my tracks before I step closer to her.

He shot me a glare, "Don't-" He grated out, his jaw ticking as he passed right by my side and toward hers.

He inspected her neck, and I watched every mark my fingers left over her soft delicate skin, "Are you okay?" Alex asked, his voice felt like it was coming from under the water, or maybe I was the one slowly sinking down this raging sea, because I am not still unable to breathe...

Natalie's eyes were on me, her tears were those of the pain I caused, there was a hundred different emotion surging through her cloudy eyes but none of them was blame and I hated myself even more for that. Her gaze flickered to Alex as he soothingly spoke with her. She listened to him and she nodded her head at whatever he said. Her gaze flickered to me one last time before she turned her head and walked away, leaving the two of us alone.

Alex waited for her to totally leave before he faced me, he threw his arms up in the air in utter frustration, "And when I think all is okay again, you go and pull shit like this!" He snapped, rightfully angry and I wanted to explain but I couldn't manage to catch up my next breath.

My chest tightened, a vice constricting my breath. The panic surged inside my veins, consuming me in the depths of this distress. My mind became a whirlwind of regret and despair and the weight of my actions became too much to bear.

"First, Ronald calls me and tells me that you beat the crap out of him," He added, taking a step closer and my hands searched for something to hold on to, "Then Cara calls me and tells me you decided to drop by unannounced," The amount of fury in his tone multiplied, "And then I come to witness this..." He was about to continue but he seemed to sense that I wasn't okay, not at all.

My heart pounded, a relentless drumming of guilt, it echoed through my veins, relentless and unbuilt. Sweat beaded on my forehead, clammy and cold. My trembling hands tried to reach for something to hold but my balance faltered. The room spun around me, a dizzying haze. My thoughts spiraled, trapped in this chaotic maze.

Alex's hands clutched into me, and worry wove into his tone, "Dude, what the hell is happening?"

I pressed my eyes shut, my vision blurry and words fought out of my throat, "I can't...breathe."

"Uh, what...wait," Alex was speaking more but I couldn't clearly hear him, he rested his hand over the side of my neck, tightening his grip and urging me to look at him, "Hey, hey, you are just panicking, just breathe for god's sake," He tried to urge me, "Natalie is okay, no need to panic," He added, trying to pull me out of it but failing, "Look, you didn't mean to hurt her," He added but I was long gone, the drug was messing with all of my senses, it was playing on my insides and outside. Isaac always plays dirty and he always fucking wins.

My body was overwhelmed by the weight of my many many mistakes. A storm of self-despise threatened to overtake my head. I clutched to my chest, desperate for any type of relief, but the panic held me captive, dragging me down and further down that sick memory lane, bringing back memories and moments of similar taste.

I remembered the first panic attack I ever experienced. I was with Frank still, right after my mother got shot, right after they took her away, right after Frank came and spat in my face that she was dead, gone forever.

"One down, one more to go," He said, his sadistic eyes on me as I curled myself into a ball into the ground by his feet, clutching my chest and trying to breathe, thinking I was dying too, and I wanted to; Death sounded so much better than anything I've ever lived but I knew I couldn't die, I couldn't die and let him live. He should die, he should pay for everything. I couldn't die yet. I had to breathe...

His hands harshly grabbed into me, pulling me up and I fought against his hold, screaming, trembling, shaking. He tried to contain me and I launched at him with everything my little self could master...

The same feelings crept into my insides, almost like I was taken back to that same moment; almost like I could feel every little thing I felt back then, hear those same words I'd heard, smell the same scents, and taste the same shattering agonizing pain. There were even similar hands trying to get a grip of me, trying to get me up...

Everything was the fucking same...

I regained control over my breath and my hand went into my pocket, pulling out the knife, a growl rumbled from my chest as I got up, refusing to let the same past, the same things repeat again and again. I rushed him up against the wall, my knife-wielding hand pressed into his throat as I snapped, "Get the fuck away from me!"

**************

Alex's POV

Oh god, oh my god. He is gonna kill me. He is actually gonna kill me. He is gonna kill me. Ah. Heisgonnakillme.

"Nik, Nikolas," I tried to speak, my eyes drifting down to the knife pressed against my neck, ready to slit my throat any second now and my eyes widened again. Heisgonnakillme.

Oh dear god, he has gone rogue just like I anticipated after Ronald's and Cara's phone calls. I talked with Emma and we both reached the same conclusion. Seeing him now, yeah, I am proven right yet again. I really need to reach for the syringe in my pocket before he slits my throat...

"Uh, it's me, Alex, you know, your brother Alex, your buddy Alex, the one that you love a lot," I added. If I am to move slightly, he is gonna cut right through my vein, "The one that you don't actually want dead, you know?"

"You should be dead," He grated out, one hand had the knife that was ready to take my life away and the other was wrapped tight over my shirt, keeping me plastered up against the wall. I tried to move but damn him he is strong. Remind me not to play on his bad side ever again.

"Well, so should you but you don't see me pointing fingers," My gaze flickered down and I gulped, "Or knives..."

I blew out a low breath, "Nikolas, I have two kids, come on man, you can't make orphans out of them," I said, my eyes looking at his face, at a loss of what I could do or say to snap him back to me. He has fallen way too deep this time, and I am struggling to get him back up.

"I mean, I know I complain a lot but I kinda love my life, and would rather not have it taken away from me..."

It was like he was twisting each word that came out of my mouth and shaping it into what he wanted to hear, "But you took everything from me," He said, tightening his grip over me and shaking his head.

"What the hell did I take from you?!" I shot out, "If you are salty about the coffee cups I snatch from you, then I am sorry, man, last time, I promise."

He shook his head, "I can't let you take more," He said.

"Okay, deal," I said, weighing my options and the only one now was to kick him away from me, "Nik, I love you and all but I can't have you kill me," I said before my hand lifted and curled over his knife-wielding writs just as I kneed him in the stomach. The little wavering in his posture had me able to snatch the knife away and I threw the damn thing far away from his reach.

Nikolas, on the other hand, didn't like that. He groaned and came back at me with full force and before I could try to defend myself, I felt his fist slam into my jaw, probably breaking it and I staggered backward, "Goddammit Nikoals," I said with a low groan as I clutched into my face, "Not the face," I whined and he seemed more than ready to smash me again but I was able to dodge his attack this one time.

He rushed me back into the wall, harshly slamming my back against it, "I won't let you hurt anyone else, Frank," His words had my eyes widen, "What the fuck!" I exclaimed loudly, shaking my head in disbelief, "Oh no, now you made it personal," I grated out before I pushed him away and rammed my fist into his face, the force powerful enough to have him staggering backward and away from me.

I wiped at the side of my mouth where blood had gathered and Nikolas looked back at me with wavering hesitation and confusion, "It's Alex, you asshole, it's me," I shot out loudly, and I was ready to use that knife on him if he calls me that name again.

My punch seemed to have shaken him back to reality. I saw it flash right through his eyes and he moved backward, "Oh fuck," He mumbled under his breath as he rushed a hand over his face and over the top of his head, grasping at the strands.

He crashed over the couch, unable to keep himself up. He held his face in both hands and I inched closer to him on careful steps, still unaware of where his mind is at. He lifted his head up and looked at me, a raw weakness reflected off his eyes and I placed my hand in my pocket, discreetly pulling out the syringe.

"Alex," He said and my heart fucking hurt at his tone, "I think I am losing my mind," He whispered and I sat by his side. I shook my head and my arm went around his shoulders, "Hey, it's okay, it's gonna be okay," I said, "Do you trust me?"

He turned his head to me and he knew he couldn't trust his own self at the moment so he nodded his head, "Please just make it stop," He mumbled and I nodded, my hand moving from over his shoulder and closer to his neck, "I will...but this is gonna sting a bit," I said before I pressed the needle into the side of his neck, immediately emptying its content before he tried to push my hand away.

He slammed my hand away, letting the empty syringe drop to the ground. His wide eyes flickered from it and to me. He rubbed at his neck, "What...what did you do?" He asked, staring at me with betrayal and utter disbelief, "This will knock you down for a while and when you wake up, you'll be brand new, trust me," I said and he tried to blink the haziness away but the drug was stronger than him, it threatened to steal his consciousness within a second or two.

"Goddammit, Alex," He tried to say, rubbing a hand over his face and eyes, fighting it through, "Now I don't regret punching you, you asshole."

I chuckled and with my arm over his shoulder, I pulled him closer to me, allowing his body to safely crash into me, "I love you too, brother."

It didn't take him long and after he was totally knocked out, I carefully moved, grabbing the pillow from the side and fixing it below him. letting his head drop right over it. I let him lay on the couch and I moved away. I rushed a hand over my face and looked around me. My jaw ticked and I couldn't fathom a single thought; Just that Isaac never fails to surprise me.

The light footsteps nearing had me turn my attention to the entrance, my eyes falling on Natalie as she edged closer, her sad eyes on Nikolas only.

"I will stay here till he wakes up," I informed her. Just in case the drug still had its effect on his brain, "You don't need to be here," I added, giving her an exit, if she needed one after what just happened.

She shook her head, refusing my suggestion and she inched closer to him, crouching down by the couch. Her hand reached forward and rested over his hair, she brushed the few strands that covered his forehead away, "I am not going anywhere," She whispered to me, her agonized gaze focused only on him, "He's been through hell today, he needs me here," She added, inching closer and dropping a soft kiss over his temple.

I nodded my head, "Okay," I said, "I will be around if you need me," I suggested and she nodded her head, settling down on the couch and carefully letting his head rest on her lap.

I walked out of the room and pulled my phone out, dialing Emma. She answered right away, "You found him?"

"Yes," I answered, "He was at his place, and we were right," I said, the next thought involuntarily tightening my jaw, "Isaac drugged him."

"That fucking- ugh!" She stopped herself from saying more and a loud breath left her, "But how?" She asked, enraged at the thought only, "How was he able to do it?"

"I have a theory or two," I said, my gaze flickering back to them inside, "We'll talk about it when he gets back to himself."

Emma agreed and we hung up after. I used the chance to climb up the stairs and get into their room. Was what I doing wrong? Definitely. But I needed to prove myself either right or wrong.

My gaze flickered around the room, searching for something, for anything. My eyes fell onto the medicine bottle in my hand, the one I just snatched from his pocket, the one I will get tested for sure, before I looked all around me. Maybe I am the one being delusional here but something didn't settle well with me and I needed to test if it is just a feeling or an instinct.

My gaze fell on her purse out of everything, placed on the counter on the side and I contemplated my decision, "It's now or never," I mumbled to myself and reached for it, opening it up and scanning its insides for any clue.

"What are you doing?"

Dammit.

Her voice had me whirl around and I cursed my luck. She just caught me red-handed. Her eyes fell into the purse I was looking through and lines etched her eyebrows, pure confusion radiated off her gaze, "Wha-" Her eyes went to the bottle in my hand and she tried to connect the dots.

"What? Did you follow me up here?" I asked and she looked taken aback, "No, I just wanted to grab a blanket for him, he seems cold," She said, her voice low as she tried to digest my indirect accusation.

The lines tightened over her forehead as she looked up at me and I knew I shouldn't accuse someone who looked so damn innocent of anything like this but I can't help and think of all the possibilities presented.

"I am not stupid, Alex," She mumbled, not angry, just hurt that I would think something like this of her, "Do you...do you think I did it?"

I shook my head with a low sigh, "I don't know," I said, "I just don't feel like I can trust you, Natalie."

Tears welled up in her eyes at the unfair accusation that came out of nowhere, "Just because I asked about your son that one time, it doesn't mean-" Her voice shook and she shook her head in disbelief, "Oh god, you think I...you think that I drugged him?" She asked in disbelief and I started to see the absurdity of the situation.

"He is my boyfriend, Alex," She said, a few tears falling down and I felt like a damn monster, "I...I love him...how could you think I'd ever do something like that to him."

She sniffled and shook her head, refusing to indulge me more with nonsense. She reached for the blanket over the bed, grabbing it before she walked away, "Natalie-" I tried to say but she didn't want to listen to what I had to say, rightfully so.

I let go of her purse and walked away as well, cursing under my breath for my distrustful nature. Apparently, Isaac is masterfully messing with all of our heads, not just Nikolas's.

I rubbed my hand over the cut at the corner of my mouth, wiping away the blood and wincing slightly at the pain. You know what, maybe I did deserve this punch after all.

***********************************

Hey! *waves hand shyly*

I know it's been like three months since I last updated this book :(
No promises that I will be able to update faster this time. So just bear with me.

I hope you liked it anyway. Also, keep in mind that we were seeing things from Nikolas's point of view.
We were seeing what he was seeing and hearing what he was hearing. Meaning, nothing is the way it is xD
(It's so messy, I know)

I couldn't squeeze Emma & Roman's part here, it will be in the next chapter.

Also, FYI, we are not that far away from the end of this book ;)

See ya later!