"Will you love me like you loved me and I'll never ask for more"

BIG THIEF - 'Mary'

.              .              .

If Naomi gave her another meaningful look from Martha's desk, Cali was going to fire her.

One more fucking raised eyebrow and Cali wasn't responsible for her actions

She focused her eyes back down on her paperwork, frowning at the list of requested books. The last title, right at the bottom of the list - hadn't she just seen that on the old order receipts? They should already have the novel; how the order request had gotten past Brendan and onto her desk for final approval was beyond her. Was their copy in bad condition? If it was, then she should be looking at a replacement request.

Cali gnawed on her pen and added the title to her notepad, where there were about four other books listed for the exact same reason.

"Naomi," she said distractedly, her co-workers annoying nosiness forgotten for the moment in light of her concerns. "Our copy of 'Hush, Hush' by Becca Fitzpatrick - do you know what condition it's in?"

Naomi's eyebrows did an impressive rendition of the worm as she allowed her full attention to wander over to Cali's face. After a moment, she shrugged. "Haven't ever heard of it, to be honest." She paused. "Why did you ask?"

Cali waved her notepad in the air. "It's the latest one in a series of titles that have been requested for us to purchase, but our manifests say that we already have it."

"So don't buy it again."

"But Brendan signed the form, which means that he's approved a double purchase, which we usually don't do."

Naomi shrugged again and looked back down at Martha's computer, fingers flying across the keyboard. "Maybe he just really likes the book, I don't know."

Cali scowled at the woman. "It's the fifth book that we should already own, but whatever."

"I don't know, boss, it's not my job."

"It literally is though. Like, that's actually what we pay you for."

Naomi shook her head and didn't respond. Cali plopped her notebook back down on her desk and leaned back in her seat, sighing. She'd have to organise a stocktake soon. Hopefully, by updating the records, they'd find out exactly what books they had and what books she could authorise the purchase of.

Rubbing her temple with one hand, Cali quietly pulled up the rosters on her computer, deciding against paperwork for the moment. A headache was forming rather rapidly, but she was too proud to call up her father and beg for the temporary cure he'd promised her two weeks ago. She'd survived until now without it, and she would survive longer.

Rostering people to work was interesting because only some of her staff worked part-time. Nancy was full-time, and always worked weekdays. Brenden took over Friday and the weekends for Cali, and the shy girl who spent all of her time shelving worked late nights while the library was closed. Naomi and Martha were shift workers, and so were two other workers who could only work weekends due to the fact they were University students.

"Hey boss," Martha greeted, strutting in with her handbag over her shoulder. She looked particularly dressed up today, with her makeup crisp and her pantsuit unwrinkled. Her heels clicked as she walked.

Cali had never seen her in anything but jeans and boots before.

Naomi whistled appreciatively. "Damn Martha," she said, rocking back in her chair. "Looking fine today."

Martha looked unflustered, as only Martha could, but if Cali squinted, she thought she could see hints of pink creeping along her co-workers cheeks. She'd tease her about it another day, when her head wasn't aching and Martha didn't have the glazed look of someone who'd toppled into a pit of suffering and hadn't managed to find their way out.

Cali motioned the woman over, and Martha flung her handbag at Naomi's head before leaning her weight against Cali's desk. "Yeah, boss?" She asked dryly.

Cali stared at her for a moment, weighing her options. "You okay?"

Not that it was Cali's place to pry, but it was her place to check on her staff members. She and Martha had... problems, but the woman had been getting steadily more distant over the past few weeks and Naomi's concern was contagious.

Martha considered her for a moment, her lips tightening with discomfort. "Yeah, boss," she said quietly. "Better now that I'm here."

And didn't that tell Cali the whole damn story. She nodded once and handed Martha a list of book titles. "I need you to look these up in the system and then go out to the shelves and tell me why Branden says we need to replace them." Better to keep her busy than to let her stew in thoughts about whatever was happening at home.

Martha gave her a not-smile and said sardonically, "Sure thing, boss. Do you want me to make you a coffee as well?"

Cali raised an eyebrow at the banter. It warmed her, knowing that somehow, the genuine loathing between her and Martha had eased into something that akin to comradery. Acceptance. Not quite friendship, and definitely not trust, but mutual understanding and a desire to be soft with women who walked around with weight on their shoulders and shadows in their eyes.

Naomi, at least, waited the hour it took for Martha to start her task out in the shelves before saying, "That was a good thing, boss." Her voice was unbearably fond, and her gaze never wandered from her computer screen.

Cali smiled down at her paperwork.

The two of them worked in silence for a little while longer, interrupted now and then by Martha coming in with a frown on her face as she nudged Naomi aside to check something on the computer. Nancy, who clocked onto her break two hours after Martha arrived, tapped on Cali's desk on her way to the break room.

"Sorry to interrupt you, dear," she said, smiling pleasantly, "but I thought it best to tell you that your brother is sitting in one of our booths out front. I asked him if he was here to see you, but he told me not to disturb you and that he'd come get you himself."

Cali frowned at the elderly lady. "How long has he been here?"

Nancy's brows drew together. "Oh, I think an hour or so? I'm not entirely sure, dear, but he's not making any moves to come in here and get you so I thought I'd send you out to him."

Cali dug through her facial expressions until she could put on a smile and thanked Nancy as the old woman tottered off to the break room. As soon as the break room door closed, the smile splintered and crumpled into a frown.

It wasn't that Tommy wasn't welcome in the Starling City Library, it was that he never bothered making the trip if he wasn't here for her.

Troubled, Cali put her computer monitor to sleep and tidied up her documents. She'd go out and just make sure that Tommy was alright. He'd been acting strange after Oliver's party two weeks ago - not that he'd been present at it in the first place - and the familiar tightening in her chest prompted her to get up and head out the door to the main floor of the library.

It was probably nothing, she tried to reassure herself as she passed the front desk. Tommy had probably just been busy with Laurel and wanted some quiet time to himself. The thought of Tommy with the Lance girl made Cali's stomach squeeze; memories of Oliver's party flickered through her mind.

Nancy had mentioned the booths out the front, so Cali combed through them all until she reached the last one, nestled deep in the back corner, away from general view. Tommy was sitting there, phone on the table but not turned on. A pensive frown marred his features.

Cali let out a slow breath. Right. Not just 'a moment to himself', then.

"What's this I hear about you lurking in my library and scaring my customers?" Cali joked lightly, settling into the seat opposite her brother. Tommy's mouth twitched, but ultimately the joke fell flat. "How was, uh, Laurel's fundraiser that you threw? I'm sorry I couldn't make it."

Tommy tilted his head slightly. "It was okay, I guess. Thea kind of... got drunk and said some things."

Cali groaned to herself. "The things she said didn't happen to have anything to do with the fact that she has a giant crush on you and thought you were doing something nice for her?"

Tommy shifted uncomfortably. "How long has that been going on?" He asked unsteadily. "Cause man, I had no clue."

Cali's only response was a sigh.

The conversation stopped at an awkward point, as each Merlyn sibling waited for the other to make the first move. Cali leaned forward. Tommy leaned away. Her ease was tempered by the twisting sense of knowing that made her chest ache. She swallowed and asked, "You okay?"

Tommy shifted his eyes up to her. They were strangely vacant; it was the look Tommy always wore when something was troubling him deeply and he didn't know how to talk about it. Cali's tongue felt thick in her mouth - surely he didn't know about Laurel and Oliver. Surely neither of those two had given it away.

"Sorry," Tommy said, voice tired. He rubbed his temple. "I didn't want to disturb your work."

"Some people are worth the disturbance." Cali ran a critical eye over him for any outward damage. Finding none, she leaned forward and crossed her arms on the table. "Talk to me."

For a moment, Tommy didn't. In fact, he seemed as though he would get up and run at any sudden movement. Which, admittedly, did nothing for Cali's hopes for this conversation. If Tommy didn't want to talk about it, then he wasn't going to talk about it. There was really nothing she could do but hover worriedly and swallow back her desperate apologies.

Tommy sighed, forcing away the glazed look and settling more firmly into his thoughts. He offered her a small smile. "Sorry," he said again. "I just... have a bit of a problem."

Cali splayed her hands slightly, and considered telling him that everybody had problems. She reconsidered the words when Tommy seemed to deflate slightly. "Well," she decided, "do tell. I love a bit of gossip."

A strange expression stole over Tommy's face for a moment before he settled again. "You see," he started fingers twitching towards his phone before returning to their original position, "I know this girl. She and I have always been close, but lately she just keeps lying to me and hiding things from me, and I don't know how to make her tell me the truth."

Right, so he definitely knew about Oliver and Laurel, and this was her punishment. "Tommy, I..." Cali trailed off hopelessly, shaking her head slightly. What could she tell him? There was nothing she could use to defend herself, no excuse to leap to her defense. She'd seen Laurel cheating on her brother and she'd done nothing.

Well, actually she'd done something. She'd kept it a secret too.

Of course Tommy was angry with her. Of course he was hesitant to disturb her, because after Michael, Tommy had found it almost impossible to actually get angry at her because he was so terrified of her disappearing again. Figures that it would Oliver that would break that pattern.

Not all of the warmth had left Tommy's face though. "I know you'd never keep anything really bad from me," he said, backtracking on his harshness. "You just...you keep spending more and more time with Oliver, and he's more comfortable around you. He has to be telling you things, bub, and I'm...I think I'm just hurting that he didn't choose me."

So...He didn't know about Ollie and Laurel?

For some reason, that made Cali feel worse.

"Did you talk to Moira or something?" She asked dryly, processing Tommy's accusations. He just blinked quizzically at her. She waved flippantly. "She said pretty much the same thing to me after the party, nevermind."

Tommy shifted uncomfortably. "I understand wanting to help Oliver get over being on that island for five years, but there's a point where..." Tommy paused and took a big breath, sorting through his thoughts. "I know it's Oliver's choice as to who he lets in," he said slowly, "but I don't think it should be you."

Stung, Cali recoiled, pulling her arms off the table and tucking them against her stomach. "What?"

"No, you misunderstand me." Tommy groaned in frustration. "Let me try again. Oliver's always taken your support for granted. Don't give me that look, you know he has. And then when Michael came along, you were forced to support yourself as well, with no help. You're still recovering from that, and I'm worried that having Oliver dump his trauma on you is just gonna push you back down to where you were when you were with Michael."

Oh.

That was actually a rather sweet reason for being an overprotective ass. Cali tilted her head down until her chin touched her chest, her tumultuous thoughts building inside her head until it was a cacophony of incoherent noise. What was she supposed to say to that? What did Tommy want from her? Did he want her to stop being friends with Oliver? How could he ask her for that?

How could Cali possibly live with herself, knowing that she'd abandoned Oliver to a life full of solitude and suffering just because Oliver had chosen not to tell his best friend that he dressed up in a suit and shot people with arrows?

"Hey." Tommy gently rapped his knuckles against the table to get her attention. Cali looked back up at him. His eyes were earnest, at least. "I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong, I'm just saying that maybe a burden shared is a burden halved. I'm worried about you, especially after what our father told us."

Honestly, Malcolm and his serum was the farthest thing from Cali's mind right now. It would have to be dealt with eventually, but not right now. Not when she was managing her headaches. Not when Tommy was asking her to give up Oliver's secrets.

It was almost like her brother didn't know her at all.

Cali blew out a breath and closed her eyes for a moment. Here she was again, torn between two worlds - torn between her brother and Oliver Queen. And normally Tommy would be her choice, would always be her choice, but there'd been such a vulnerability to Oliver when he'd finally sat her down next to John and explained what was happening.

She couldn't give him up to Tommy. She couldn't turn her back on her friend. Not even for her brother. And it wasn't fair, because Tommy had raised her and raised himself after Malcolm had left. Tommy had pushed her again and again and then he'd cleaned her up when Michael broke her. He'd brought her home.

Now, he was asking her to open herself up again.

And Cali found that she just... couldn't.

"What Oliver tells me is between me and Oliver," she said, opening her eyes and looking anywhere but Tommy. "You know I love you, Tommy, but you should also know that I value people's need for secrecy. If Oliver wants you to know things, he'd tell you."

Tommy's eyes shuttered, his tentative warmth overtaken by a bitterness that Cali hadn't seen in him for five years. Not since the old Oliver had walked out on Tommy's secret. "I thought we had an agreement that we wouldn't keep secrets from each other."

But that wasn't fair. Because it wasn't Cali keeping secrets from him, it was Oliver. It was always Oliver. Cali just had the misfortune of being the one person that everybody told everything. She was the damn secret keeper through no choice of her own, and look where that had gotten her.

Her eyes latched onto the wall just past his shoulder. "They aren't my secrets to tell."

Tommy scoffed. "If they aren't your secrets to tell, then they aren't your secrets to keep."

And yeah, he was right. They weren't Cali's secrets to keep. But she wasn't going to give them up. Not when they were Oliver's secrets, and to give them up to Tommy would obliterate the foundation of Oliver and Tommy's friendship. She couldn't have that on her conscience. Not when Ollie had only just gotten back.

"I'm sorry," she said helplessly, proud that her voice didn't break, "but keeping Oliver's secrets is what I've always done. I'm not going to stop now."

"You aren't his confession journal, Calissa."

"That's not what's happening here." Cali kept her chin raised definitely as Tommy's mouth twisted into a snarl, even as he nodded. Her throat tightened. She knew how this would go now; Tommy's temper always followed a particular pattern.

First, he'd go quiet. He'd isolate himself. He'd swallow back his angry words and he'd ignore your texts and he'd make you wait. Because this was him processing, and thinking, and justifying his anger. But then, during that period of distance, his emotions would grow. Betrayal would creep in, miserable rage to replace dry anger. A deep-rooted sadness would spring up. Tommy's feelings had always led to tears.

After the cold-shoulder approach, you'd have to brace for the blows. Not physical - it was never physical when Tommy was actually, genuinely angry - but verbal lashes, words thrown like punches. He'd spit venomous sentences, using his pain like a weapon, cutting down everyone who'd hurt him.

Cali had been on the receiving end of his cruel words before, many times.

It hurt.

But after a while, Tommy would calm down. He'd rationalise. He'd talk it out. He wouldn't apologise, not quite, but his desperate hold on that painful memory would ease. Healing would begin. He'd start to forgive - never forget - but forgive.

It wouldn't be pleasant, this time, but eventually the storm would pass. Cali could survive this. It would scar her, and it would hurt, but she'd make it through.

"Tommy," she tried after another moment of tense silence, but her brother was already fleeing from the booth, his feet taking him towards the door and out into the city.

For a cold, lengthy moment, Cali just... sat. There was nothing else for her to do but put her face in her hands and take measured breaths until the pressure behind her eyes went away. Her chest seized up. She should've known that Tommy wouldn't understand her obligations to Oliver.

She should've known.

She was tired of being made to choose between the people she loved. It wasn't fair, and the choice she made was always the wrong one. What was the criteria for something like that? Choose the person who'd been by her side the longest? Choose the person who'd helped her through the toughest situation? Choose the person she loved more?

It was all subjective, but again and again people told her she made the wrong choice. How can there be a wrong choice in those scenarios? How could she choose between her friends and then make the right choice? That wasn't how friendship worked.

That was how her relationship with Michael had been - and Michael had been her abuser.

A hand ghosted over her shoulder. "You okay boss?" Ah, Martha. Ever the one who had to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, seeing all the things that Cali wanted nobody to see.

"Yeah," Cali sighed, dropping her hands and readying herself to slide out of the booth. "Just... I don't know. I'm fine now, thank you." It didn't matter that was mostly a lie, right? Like, it wasn't going to end with God striking Cali down with a lightning bolt for lying to her co-worker, who was starting to look more and more genuinely concerned.

Cali rose without another word and hurried back to the office, pretending that Martha hadn't seen the tears that were bubbling in her eyes, and Naomi wasn't witness to the quiet meltdown that crashed over her like a wave.

She had two hours left of her shift. She could make it.

.                 .                .

Janet answered the phone after the first ring, greeting Cali with a bubbly, "Calicious!"

"Cal-what?" Cali's smile felt painful, her lips twisting all the wrong ways as she got into her car and started it up. "What did you call me?"

"Calicious," Janet repeated, with no less pep.

Cali waited until her phone hooked up to the car's Bluetooth before talking again, easing out of her parking spot. "And where did that come from?"

There was a rustling sound on Janet's end, like she was lying in bed and had rolled over, shifting the sheets. "Well, you're Cali, right?" She puffed out a quiet laugh and Cali's heart thumped desperately. "And you're delicious! So, you put the two together and you get-"

"Calicious?" Cali guessed, surrendering a laugh of her own when Janet hummed an affirmative. "Sometimes you worry me."

"Why would I worry you? Why wouldn't I amaze you? I'm clearly a genius, CC!"

Cali's smile got softer, more fond. Some of the clawing darkness cleared from her chest. "You worry and amaze me in equal measure," she said. "Is that better?"

Janet made some sort of victorious huffing sound. "Have you finished work yet?" she asked, her voice going distant as there was more rustling. Cali recognised the sound of a cat purring over the speaker and relaxed even more.

"Yeah, I'm on my way to yours," she said. "Is that Checkers on the phone?"

Janet's tinkling laugh sounded again. "I've got you on speaker, and apparently he thought that meant he could come and say hello." The purring deepend for a moment, the vibrations powerful enough through the car's speakers that Cali could feel it travel up her arms, before it faded. Clearly, Checkers had gotten bored with the call.

Something about the situation made Cali long for Jasper. He'd passed away shortly after Tommy had brought Cali back to Starling City, from a cancerous cell growing on his lungs. Whatever part of Cali that had survived Michael had dissolved after that.

The fact that Cali's girlfriend had a cat of her own made her all that much more perfect.

"I've ordered pizza," Janet said, regaining control over the call now that Checkers had left. "I couldn't be bothered cooking. I've got cheese, pepperoni, and vegetarian options on their way."

"God, I love you," Cali blurted thoughtlessly, too caught up in the whirlwind of pizza and cats and this wonderful waitress who'd managed to attach herself to every inch of Cali's heart to really think about what that statement meant.

Neither of them had ever mentioned the 'love' thing before. Cali had been too scared - Tommy, Oliver, Laurel, and Thea were the only others she'd ever said the words to after Michael - and Janet had never broached the topic at all. They hadn't been dating long. Was it too soon?

Going by the silence on the other end of the line, it was definitely too soon.

Cali was just gearing up to play it off as a joke when Janet spoke. "Oh." Her voice was quiet, subdued. Cali's grip on the steering wheel was tight enough that she lost feeling in the tips of her fingers. "Should we talk about that when you get here?"

Right. Talk.

Cali knew what king of talk was going to happen. Janet was going to sit her down and say, 'thank you for the ride, time to get off at the station.' There were no good endings for people who were talked to. She could see it now, could imagine the words leaving Janet's mouth. Her chest tightened almost unbearably.

Things had been going so well and she'd messed it up with three little words. She was always doing this, always saying the wrong things and making the wrong choices. It always blew up in her face. Of course Janet wouldn't react well to a declaration of love, not when it was coming from Cali.

"CC? Are you still there?"

Cali choked on her breath, but managed a squeaky, "Yeah." She swallowed, tears bubbling in her eyes. Her throat was hot and hurting. "We'll talk soon."

She hung up.

Music played softly through the stereo, the car automatically resuming her bluetooth streaming after the phone call ended. Cali's fingers were shaking as she jabbed the power button. She couldn't right now. She needed silence. She needed time and space to prepare herself for the breakup.

She should've known that her and Janet weren't going to be forever. Nobody good stayed around her, not when they didn't have to. And they'd had a good run. It had been nice, the months they'd had together. It was just... time for Janet to move on to bigger and better things.

Exhaling heavily through her nose, Cali flicked her left hand indicator on, exiting off the highway. She'd bring some milkshakes as a peace offering - no hard feelings and all that. Maybe she could salvage this trainwreck, keep something good out of it. Her and Janet could still be friends. Cali and Tommy could still have lunch at Miko's.

Cali's fingers twitched on the steering wheel. Her bluetooth connected. "Call Thea," she instructed quietly, leaning her head back on the driver's seat. Thea's number dialled and the line rung, and rung, and rung.

"Before you say anything," Thea said in a rush, answering the call just before it rang out, "the love confession was never meant to happen. I was drunk off my ass, and I'm already embarrassed enough without you teasing me. Oh god, did Tommy tell you? Or was it Laurel? Oh, I bet everybody knows about it now. I made such a fool of myself-"

"Thea," Cali interrupted gently. "Relax."

Thea blew out a frazzled breath and flopped on her bed. The sudden sound resulted in Cali immediately turning down the volume of the call. "I can't believe I told Tommy," Thea said miserably. "I can't believe I thought he was doing something for me and not for Laurel! How could I have been so stupid?"

"Love makes you crazy," Cali said flatly.

Thea snorted. "Well, I guess I better leave the whole 'love' thing to losers like you and Janet." There was a pause in which Thea obviously expected Cali to return the quip, or to say something. When no response came, Thea continued, "How's that all going by the way? Do I hear wedding bells?"

And wow, okay, Cali really hadn't wanted to get to this so quickly. Sure, she'd called Thea to talk about the whole 'I love you' incident, but when Thea had started babbling about her own romantic problems, Cali had selfishly clung to the hope that she could get out of talking about it.

She swallowed tightly and parked her car, waiting for her bluetooth to disengage after she killed the engine before continuing the call through her phone. "We've only been together a few months," she offered, getting out of the car and locking it. "No way we're getting married already."

Thea groaned. "You're literally pursuing the romance of a lifetime, why are you so stingy with it? At least tell me you've said the 'L' word."

Cali grimaced. "That's kind of what I called you about."

As quickly as she could, she explained the situation to her friend, using a self-serve kiosk to order and pay for two vanilla-musk milkshakes. A quick glance at the counter told her she probably should've just gone through the Drive-Thru.

Thea didn't say anything for a while after Cali finished talking. In that period of science and contemplation, Cali's milkshakes were fast-tracked and handed to her long before anybody else got their orders. The perks of being rich and famous, she supposed.

(Usually, she'd feel bad about it, but today was not a day to stop and be humble. Today was a day for getting caught up in her own issues and forgetting about the little people - just like Malcolm always did.)

"Right," Thea said finally, once Cali had made it back out to her car and connected the call through bluetooth once more. Her voice was suspiciously even and bland. "Okay. So you told Janet you loved her - because you do, and that's adorable - but she didn't immediately say it back and instead asked to talk about it, and now you think the relationship is over."

Cali frowned at the traffic, trying to detect what exactly it was in Thea's tone that gave her a bad feeling in her chest. It wasn't that Thea was blaming her for anything, but there was a distinct edge to her words that made Cali wonder if Thea thought she was some kind of idiot. Which wasn't inaccurate, but it was still kind of offensive.

"There's clearly something you want to say to me, critter, so just say it."

Thea's words burst out of her, as if she'd been waiting for the invitation. "Cali, honey, I love you, but you are so daft." Cali made a small noise, but Thea plowed right over her. "No, listen. Janet loves you. It's really obvious. So consider the fact that your situation with Michael went public. There's no way Janet doesn't know about it. She probably didn't say it back because she doesn't know what your triggers are."

A completely valid point, but Cali still wasn't convinced. "Then why not tell me that?" She argued, jerking the wheel a little too harshly as she made a left hand turn. "She could have explained why she wanted to talk it over. Michael always-" She cut herself off.

That was really the crux of the issue, wasn't it? 'Michael did this' and 'Michael did that'. It was all about what Michael used to do. What anet and Cali had was nothing like that, and it was unfair of her to treat it like it was. But it was hard because Cali hadn't really had a chance for any other serious relationships, so she had limited experience to compare.

"My biggest regret is not breaking Michael's stupid face," Thea said lowly, voice thin and sharp.

"Thea-"

"I let him beat you. I let him abuse you and hurt you and take you away from us and from Tommy, and I'll never forgive myself for it. I should've done more."

Michael.... Michael had been her Prince Charming, once. He'd kept her protected and safe and happy; there was no way Thea could be blamed for not noticing when that protection became suppression. "I never let you help me," Cali said. "That's on me."

"What he did to you is on him," Thea said firmly, "and it shouldn't stop you from having a kick-ass girlfriend. Grow some balls, go see Janet, and fix your relationship before I have to watch my last chance to have a vicarious romance disappear because my dumb friend has trauma."

Cali's fingertips tapped a pretty rhythm on her steering wheel. "Shut up and go pine over Tommy," she said brightly, and ended the call.

.                .               .

The first thing Janet did when Cali opened the apartment door was fling herself rather dramatically into Cali's arms, apparently completely missing the two milkshakes Cali had in either hand. "Woah!" Cali cried, forced to retreat a step so that they didn't topple over and spill out into the hallway. "Watch the milkshakes!"

"I'm so sorry!" Janet wailed, still attached to Cali's front. "Oh my god, I didn't think about how it must've sounded to you! It's not a bad thing that you love me, I love you too!"

Really, Cali just wanted to put the milkshakes down. Her fingers were uncomfortably cold.

Rather awkwardly, she manouvered herself and Janet over towards the kitchen bench, depositing both milkshakes as smoothly as she could without forcefully dislodging her girlfriend. Once her hands were empty, she wrapped her arms around Janet and held her as tightly as Janet was holding her.

"You love me?" She repeated quietly.

Janet drew back enough to look up into Cali's face. Her eyes were warm. "Yes." Her mouth twitched up. "More-so now that you've bought me a milkshake."

Cali startled into laughter, feeling the rising tension in her chest break. Janet didn't hate her. Janet wasn't upset or disgusted by her. Not yet.

That didn't mean that Janet wasn't going to break up with her. Cali could feel it in her bones.

(Nobody stayed around her longer than they had to.)

"Vanilla-musk!" Janet cheered, untangling herself from Cali's body and grabbing at one of the milkshakes. She kept the straw between her teeth as she looked balefully at Cali "I can't believe you cheated on Miko's. What has this world come to?"

Cali offered her a shrug, her fond smile feeling noticeably more wooden than it had a minute ago. "Nobody makes them as well as you do," she explained sheepishly, "and I didn't want milkshakes from Miko's that weren't made by you."

Janet took another sip, flicking the straw out of her mouth with her tongue afterwards. Cali tried very hard not to be distracted. "You're the sweetest," Janet said lovingly. "Which is why we really need to talk about the whole 'I love you' thing."

Chills crashed through Cali's body, clinging to her bones and raking over her skin. Sticky fear pooles at the base of her spine. "I'm sorry," she blurted, wrapping her arms around her stomach, trying to hold herself together from the outside. A deep thumping ricocheted around her ears. It was her pulse - rapid and panicked and desperate.

For a long moment, Janet just studied her.

It was a heavy look, pressing in on Cali's body as Janet searched for something that was apparently hidden between the layers of Cali's being. "Okay," Janet said slowly. "We can start there."

What were they starting? Was this a test of some kind? If Janet wasn't going to break up with her, then Cali needed to figure out what answers her girlfriend was looking for. Cali's palms were damp with sweat. She could feel it trickle down her shoulders.

"Start?" She said nervously.

Janet's expression, if possible, got sadder. "What do you think is going to happen here?" She asked gently, setting her milkshake down next to Cali's untouched one. Cali tracked the motion and then kept her eyes on the two cups. "CC? C'mon, I need you to talk to me about this. What do you think I'm trying to do here?"

The problem was that Cali didn't know.

She'd thought that Janet was upset by the 'L' word, but that didn't seem to be the case at all. So maybe she was trying to end the relationship - but that didn't make sense either. Thea's suggestion rang in Cali's head, that Janet was trying to figure out what she could and couldn't say around Cali.

But who would put that much effort in? Tommy had, but he'd been obligated to because he'd lived with her. Thea already knew most of her triggers, but only because she'd been involved in the situation with Michael.

Janet shouldn't need to put so much effort into the relationship. If she was so worried about something like that, then clearly Cali wasn't holding herself together tightly enough. Clearly something was still leaking through. Janet didn't deserve that weight on her shoulders. Cali's trauma was her own to deal with.

"Okay, this isn't working." Janet shook her head and blew out a breath. Cali shrank back; she was being unhelpful, frustrating. Michael had once tried to train that out of her.

She was trying.

"Sorry," she said again. "Let me just-" She broke off, frowning at the milkshake cups. "Sorry. I don't know the answer you're looking for."

Janet didn't dare try and touch her, which Cali appreciated. She just stood there and waited until Cali had enough courage to look up, eyes fixed on the freckles that were splattered across Janet's cheeks instead of focusing on her eyes. "There you are," Janet said lovingly, but the warmth was dominated by the heartache that was plainly painted across her expression. "This isn't a test, angel. I want you to talk to me - tell me what I'm doing that scares you so much."

Cali bit her lip, bit back the instinctual urge to blurt that she wasn't scared. She didn't like lying to Janet, and she was scared. She was terrified, and she didn't know how not to say that. "I'm not scared of you," she settled on.

Janet nodded encouragingly. "Okay. That's good. What are you scared of, then?"

"I don't want you to break up with me."

Understanding broke through the sadness, and Janet hummed to herself in thought, watching her with a new-found perspective. "There we go," she murmured. "That's the problem here, isn't it? You think I'm going to dump you."

Well now Cali felt like an idiot. A scared idiot, but an idiot. Maybe Thea had been right. Maybe.

She rubbed at her arms self-consciously, lightly scratching at her wrist. "This is stupid."

"No," Janet corrected, "this is stuff that I need to know. I'm not a mind-reader, CC, and believe or not, your thoughts aren't public knowledge. You've gotta let me know what you're thinking." Cali flushed scarlet. Janet smiled. "Why don't we practice? What are you thinking about right now?"

Michael.

Cali had her mouth open to respond - she wasn't going to lie to Janet - but the name got caught in her throat and she only ended up staying silent. That name was poison, and would kill whatever fledgling bond was building in this moment. Because if Cali brought up Michael, then Janet would look at her with pity and Cali would lose whatever battle they were silently fighting.

So instead, she swallowed and said, "I'm glad that I found you."

Janet's smile pinched, like she knew that Cali was hiding something, but then her face smoothed out again as she let the suspicion go. "I'm glad I found you too," she agreed. "Now come on, I've got the original Star Trek series loaded on Netflix. We're finally about to start season 2."

Cali accused with a practiced grin, picking up her milkshake and following Janet to the lounge. "I don't have many problems with Star trek and their treatment of space," she said, "but for fuck's sake, why does nobody understand that once you have momentum in space, you continue that momentum without the need for engines. The only time you need external power is when you come up on, like, a planet or something that has gravity."

"Oh hush." Janet nestled into the couch and then waited with raised brows while Cali simply flopped on top of her, head resting in her lap. "We can't all be as smart as you."

"I'm not smart," Cali protested. "It's common sense!"

Janet tugged on a piece of hair. "Shut up and watch the show."

(Nails in her hair, pulling and yanking, and somebody was screaming-

It was her, she was screaming-

Let go let go letgoletgoletgo-)

Cali smiled at the screen and let herself gently drift off to sleep with Janet's hand in her hair and Michael's name branded on her heart.

.              .             .

Cali's phone buzzed angrily from underneath her leg, interrupting her quiet doze. Star Trek was still playing in the background, signalling that it hadn't been long since she'd drifted off. A finger poked her face as she opened one eye and then closed it again.

"I'm not rewinding the episodes you missed," Janet said, faux irritation in her voice. "You'll just have to go without."

"But Jan-" Cali whined.

"Nope." Janet shook her head. "Nope, none of that. You fall asleep during TV time, you miss out."

Cali rolled her eyes playfully, wriggling her hand under her calf and fishing out her phone. She squinted at the bright screen, tapping on Tommy's message to open it. 'Oliver just threatened to kill me.'

Well.

That was new.

Before she could say or do anything, another text came through from Tommy. 'Granted, he was being protective over Laurel.'

'He said he was kidding afterwards. I don't know what that means.'

'Also, I don't know if you know, but someone shot at his mom like, a few hours ago, so he's kind of in a bad mood I guess.'

'He's not actually going to kill me, right?'

Cali could only blink down at the flurry of messages, waiting for comprehension to kick in. Oliver had said what? And it was about Laurel? Someone had taken shots at Moira? She was honestly so damn confused.

Janet twitched her leg to get Cali's attention. "Who is it?"

Cali rolled over slightly to look up at her. She frowned. "Tommy. Do you know anything about shots fired in the city? Apparently, Moira Queen was in line of fire. She's safe, I think, but I didn't hear anything about it."

"I heard something about a shooting with one casualty, but they never mentioned Moira." Janet looked troubled. "I'll pull up a news report."

Cali tapped out a quick text to Oliver - 'wtf did you threaten to kill my brother?? Also is your mom okay??' - before returning to the thread between herself and Tommy. She sent back a simple, 'jesus h christ, what the actual fuck is happening over there' before shutting off her phone and rubbing at her eyes. She was too tired for this bullshit.

She huffed a breath to herself. "Welcome to another week in Starling City," she said to Janet, just as Janet pulled up a news report and cast it to the TV screen.

Together, they began to read.