"I'm no good, you're no better"

KNUCKLE PUCK - 'No Good'

.                         .                       .

"UNBELIEVABLE!"

"Cali-"

"OLIVER JONAS QUEEN, I AM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!"

"That's called murder and you'll go to jail, which will be a shame, but-"

"IT HAS BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK! LESS. THAN. A. WEEK. AND YOU NEARLY GOT FELICITY BLOWN UP!"

"I did not almost get Felicity blown up, what are you going on about? And can you please stop shouting? You're being very loud and it's very echo-y down here."

"GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON NOT TO STAB YOU WITH ONE OF YOUR OWN ARROWS!"

Oliver's smile was very, very pretty and very, very nervous as he watched Cali's hand twitch towards the very pointy flying murder sticks. "Because you love me lots and lots," he said hopefully, ignoring Felicity's snorting cackle behind him. Cali's nostrils flared - like an angry bull, he noted absently - and he blanched. "And because I am very sorry about what happened and will do my best to prevent it from happening again," he added hastily.

Diggle lost all semblance of control to his left, collapsing into his seat and hiding his face in his hands as loud, booming laughter leapt from his throat. In any other situation, Oliver would find it endearing to listen to his friend sound so carefree, but Cali hadn't stopped glaring at him, and so he was a tad more preoccupied than usual.

Felicity, fighting her own giggles and still wearing her gold gown and contacts and makeup, stepped up to Cali's side and laid a gentle hand on her arm. "Leave him alone," she puffed, sparing Oliver a pitying glance. "I'm fine now. I was only in danger for like, I don't know, maybe ten minutes?"

"You had an explosive collar locked around your throat." Cali forced the words out, voice grating and dripping with rage. Oliver felt ill. This was exactly why he'd wanted to keep her away from the Hood and everything it entailed. "It has been less than a week and you literally almost got blown up."

Felicity's nose scrunched as she bit back another laugh. Clearly, she thought this whole situation was hilarious. "That's not Oliver's fault," she managed, somehow looking very sincere. "Besides, I am very much here, in one piece, and not blown up."

"She is," Oliver piped up cheerfully. "And she looks gorgeous too!"

Cali's scowl, if anything, deepened.

Somehow, even with everything he'd faced on and off Lian Yu, Oliver felt that an irate Cali was the most terrifying thing he'd ever faced. He made a mental note never to put Felicity in danger ever again, because he very much wanted children and the way Cali was eyeing him suggested he might not be that lucky if he didn't make it up to her right now.

"Look," he said, sobering slightly. "I really am sorry. I wouldn't have had Diggle and Felicity in on this if I thought I could do it without them." He splayed his hands. "And we are all okay, by the way. So you can stop worrying."

Cali's anger collapsed into something a little less harsh, a little less like stinging nettles. "I always worry." she told him. "For good reason. What if something had gone wrong tonight and we were cleaning Felicity off the walls?"

That was certainly a mental image Oliver didn't need.

(His thoughts went in a very specific direction though, and if Cali wasn't standing right there, he might've indulged the fantasy.)

Felicity's cheeks flushed. "Okay, I know I'm terrible for this, but you have to know how that sounded, right?"

Cali whirled on her. "You want to be rubbed off the wall?!"

Diggle, who'd just calmed down, spiralled into another round of hysterics.

"Does nobody care that Felicity was nearly exploded into a new wall colour tonight?"

"Hey," Oliver soothed, deciding that it was a little mean to keep Cali riled up like this. He pushed off the table and Felicity stepped back so he could pull Cali into a tight hug. She fell against his chest, and it wasn't until Oliver rested his chin on her shoulder that he realised she was trembling.

Cali's nose was cold against his collarbone. "What if you don't come back next time?" She breathed into his shirt.

Oh.

Maybe it wasn't that funny anymore.

Sometimes Oliver forgot that other people weren't used to constant danger. Felicity seemed remarkably at ease with the whole thing, and he'd just assumed that Cali would be the same, given how hard she tried to be brave in the face of everything else. He hadn't stopped to consider how nerve-wracking it would be to be the one waiting for everybody to come back home, to be the one praying that they'd all make it, just for another night.

"I really am sorry," he murmured. "I didn't mean for Felicity to get so involved. It won't happen again, okay? We'll be more careful from now on."

"You promise?"

Oliver swallowed once, the words feeling sticky in his mouth. "Yeah, guppy, I promise."

Cali nodded wordlessly, and Oliver held her for as long as it took for the static buzz of her panic to fade from his pinky finger.

Once she'd regained most of her composure, Cali stepped out of the hug, and Oliver let his arms fall back to his sides. Felicity shuffled back up to Cali's side, tucking an arm around her friend's waist and beaming a bright smile that stopped Oliver's heart for a solid five seconds. Cali looked just as enchanted, staring at Felicity with wide eyes.

"Between you and me," Felicity said conspiratorially. "I don't really think it went with my dress."

Cali barked a short, jagged laugh, loosening up in Felicity's gentle hold and visibly swallowing down her less favourable emotions. "I told you to go with the blank one."

"Black washes me out, are you kidding?"

"Flick, nothing could wash you out. And the black dress would've at least got you a little lovin'."

"You saying I need a dress to pull a man?"

The static feeling evaporated under the warmth of Felicity Smoak, and Oliver breathed out slowly as Cali affectionately pinched the fabric of Felicity's dress, humming thoughtfully. "You'd probably look better without it," she agreed and then the two of them dissolved into giggles.

Oliver threw a look at Diggle, who shrugged.

Girls were weird.

"Alright!" Oliver said loudly, clapping his hands once. "Now that Cali has kindly decided not to murder me, I vote we get some drinks and celebrate a job well done!"

He was comfortable as Oliver Queen tonight, and though he was acutely aware of Cali's fear still bubbling under the surface of their light-heartedness, he wanted to savour his victory. He didn't want to do it alone, though.

Cali grimaced lightly. "I can't," she sighed. "Tommy's birthday is in a few days and since he's still not talking to me, I'm having to arrange things through Laurel. I'm supposed to be meeting her tomorrow morning to figure out the final details. Can't do that if I'm hungover."

Oliver carefully kept his disappointment off his face. "Yeah," he agreed hastily. "Yeah, no, that's okay. Keep me in the loop, okay? I wanna-I wanna be there too."

He'd let Tommy down enough lately. The least he could do was be there for his friend on his birthday.

Cali's eyes were gentle and full of love when she met his gaze, and heat rose in Oliver's cheeks. He didn't understand how she could look at him like that - he was literally doing the bare minimum and she was so...so proud of him for it. Was proud of him for actually trying to be Tommy's friend. Proud of him for trying to be better.

It made being the Hood less easy. The bow settled strangely in his hands now, and the string cut his fingers in places that it hadn't before. Every time he loosed an arrow, he was aware of how much faith Cali had in Oliver Queen, and suddenly this survivalist, monstrous identity started to chafe and ache and sting.

But, for now, this wasn't about him.

Felicity cleared her throat and tightened her grip on Cali slightly. "I'm gonna head home too," she said hesitantly, eyes flicking between the two of them. "My contacts are starting to hurt, and I need a very long shower to wash all my nervous sweat off."

"I think I've got a pair of your glasses at my apartment," Cali said thoughtfully. "You wanna stay tonight? I'll get Parker to drop you off at work tomorrow."

"Watching 'Brother Bear' is a non-negotiable condition of my stay."

Cali turned those soft eyes on her friend and something settled crooked in Oliver's chest. "Deal."

Not-quite-jealousy skittered along the inside of his cheek, and Oliver lurched forward a step, half-raising his hand as if to take a hold of Cali's wrist. "I'll talk to Tommy," he offered in a rush. "I'll try, uh, try and make him see sense."

Cali beamed, radiant and beautiful. "You'd do that?" Oliver nodded once, pressing his lips together so he didn't accidentally ruin this. "Thanks, Ollie. That'd-That'd mean a lot. It's been a little difficult to live with myself lately."

Oliver's smile was small and pained, but it fooled Cali well enough that she never questioned why his hand was still hovering in the air, too afraid to make contact with her skin.

There was the slightest squeak of the chair as John stood. "I'll walk you ladies out," he said politely. His earlier mirth had settled back down into his usual level-headedness. "Is Parker picking you up, Cali?"

Cali waved her free hand nonchalantly. "Nah. I drove myself here to avoid questions, so I'll drive us both home." Her eyes lingered in Felicity's neck for a moment too long, something aggrieved flashing through the brown threads of her irises before she pushed it away. "We're just lucky that I wasn't the one nearly blown up tonight."

Oliver's teeth ached, suddenly, and he winced.

Cali mirrored the movement subconsciously before murmuring something to Felicity and slipping out of their one-armed hug. Oliver watched her come closer, wary and unsure. She was likely to yell at him again - Felicity had tamed some of that fire, but it was still smouldering in her throat, he could tell.

Cali didn't stop until she was almost pressed front-to-front with him, and when Oliver sucked in a breath to ask her what the hell she thought she was doing, she flung her arms around his shoulders and drew him into a tight hug.

Everything kind of short-circuited.

The first thing Oliver was actually properly aware of was that she was...warm.

He hadn't thought himself cold until now, with Cali's body heat seeping easily through his layers of leather and spreading along his skin. It was addicting in a way, because Oliver had spent many years unbearably cold and hollow and lonely, and Cali was the only one who eased the burden so completely.

She also smelled rather good - which made quite a lot of sense given that she hadn't been involved in the mission tonight and had surely indulged in a proper shower recently. Traces of perfume cling to her neck, musky and earthy and all too much like Cali.

Oliver's arms raised slowly, settling across her back and shoulder blades and holding her as gently as he knew how.

Her voice was a song that lilted in time with his drum-like heartbeat when she moved her mouth closer to his ear and whispered, "I'm not gonna apologise for yelling, because I'm not sorry, but I do want to say thank you for bringing them back in one piece." A soft exhale. "Thank you for bringing yourself back in one piece."

She overestimated his importance to himself, but she was still holding him like she actually missed him, so he didn't say anything to push her away and instead moved one hand to cup the back of her head as he held her a little more firmly.

She wouldn't break.

He wouldn't break her.

The moment stretched for another few seconds before Cali shifted and Oliver let her slip out of the hug. She didn't go far, but he still felt the loss keenly as his arms dropped back to his side.

"Drive safe," he told her very quietly.

Cali gave him another one of her Looks that made his knees go a little bit weak and raised one hand to cup his face. Her fingers were calloused but ever so soft as she favoured him with a light press of her lips to his cheek.

"Thank you, Ollie," she said tenderly, and then withdrew completely and backed away until she was safely at Felicity's side.

Oliver didn't move for a long while after that.

.                          .                        .

The cemetery was desolate and overgrown.

Creeping moss greedily claimed the surfaces of the headstones, abducting the names and stealing the dead that people had forgotten. Leaf litter dappled the green grass, and as Cali stood under the large willow tree, a gentle breeze stirred her hair.

Gabriel's headstone was small and yet not a victim of nature. The stone was clean, the engraving still easily visible in the shade of the willow tree.

"Hi baby," Cali said hoarsely. "It's Mommy."

Birdsong echoed from somewhere behind her, gentle and lovely as she wiped at her eyes. Coming here, talking to someone who wouldn't ever talk back, it never got easier. Cali hoped it would never get easier, because if there came a day she felt okay when talking to this gravestone, there would be no fixing whatever was broken inside her.

She crammed her hands in the pockets of her coat. "Uncle Tommy's birthday is soon, can you believe it? He's gonna be grey soon." Pain, old and familiar wrapped around her ribcage. "Mommy's been a bad sister, though, and I'm worried that when he does go grey, I'm not going to be around to see it."

Gabriel, as always, had no answer for her.

Cali dropped to a crouch, pressing one hand to the soft ground to steady herself. "I miss you," she breathed. "My little angel."

She stayed like that for a long while, long enough that her knees seized and her ankles protested the position. She'd never been the most athletic or fit person, and this really wasn't a comfortable pose.

"Best hope that Tommy doesn't hear that comment about his hair."

Cali's sigh escaped her before she could swallow it down, but she was successful in biting back her groan as she pushed herself back up to a standing position and turned to face her father. "Malcolm," she greeted coolly. "Glad you could make it."

His smirk was a bruise on his face, dulled and harmless as he took in the small gravestone. "I admit," he said in a tone that was far too kind, "I was surprised to get your message. This is not the meeting place I expected you to pick."

Cali had used convenience to justify the choice - she was meeting Laurel at Miko's in twenty minutes and meeting Malcolm in the cemetery meant she didn't have to worry about losing too much time in the morning.

Convenience, she'd told herself.

She didn't say that to Malcolm.

"I need your help," she said bluntly, far too aware of her limited timeframe to bother beating around the bush. "These powers that I have, they're growing out of control. It's going to ruin the relationships I have with everyone that matters to me and I don't know how to stop it and I need your help."

For a while, Malcolm just stared at her without saying anything. Cali did her best not to twitch under the scrutiny, aware of the thought process mapped out in every one of his blinks, every breath, every slight movement of his face.

Finally, he exhaled and said, "Your brother told me never to come near you again, Calico."

"Tommy doesn't make my choices for me."

"He has your best interest at heart, my dear."

The worst thing was that Cali knew that - Tommy had been more than vocal about his distrust for their father, and even though she was sure he didn't hate Malcolm entirely, whatever trust had been there had evaporated the second that Malcolm had paid the hospital staff to keep quiet about the antidote he'd been giving her.

And Cali loathed that she'd been reduced to this, but Malcolm was truly the only one she could turn to for help with this. He was the only one left who knew what it was that was in her veins, the only one left who had the faintest idea how to get it out, how to neutralise it. He must've just rushed it last time, under pressure from Cali and Tommy both.

"I need your help," she repeated tiredly. "I have no idea how to figure this out on my own." A bitter, breathy laugh. "You know I failed Bio-Chem in high school, so if you think I can even begin to understand the things in the file you gave me-"

"We both know you haven't looked at that file again." Malcolm's voice was distantly humourous. "There's no need to lie."

Damn that man.

He'd always been able to read her so easily, strip her of her secrets before she knew what it was she was trying to hide from him.

And if he knew that she hadn't read the file, then he might know why. Might know that every time she opened it and was confronted with her mother's writing, a crippling fear forced her to close it again.

If he knew that she hadn't read the file, then he might know it was because she was so, so afraid that she'd go looking through that familiar writing and find that Rebecca had seen her as an experiment, and had never loved her at all.

"For what it's worth, coming from me," Malcolm said quietly. "I promise that she did love you."

"Can you help me or not?" Anxiety made her voice sharp.

Malcolm hummed lowly. "Relax. I've already got some people looking into what went wrong with that first antidote."

Good, that was good. And yet... "You knew?" She asked. "A-About the antidote not working? How?"

"Despite you and your brother's best efforts, some of the staff are still honest enough to bring me reports of my children's wellbeing." Malcolm sounded anything but smug. "It's sad how I have to rely on third parties for such information."

We don't owe you anything, Cali wanted to snap, because they didn't. Her and Tommy made their own choices and they owed none of themselves to Malcolm. Not when he'd killed Oliver's father, and Sara. Not when he was planning to kill so many more. Not when he'd beat them black and blue when they were too young to understand that Mom wasn't coming home.

They owed him nothing, and yet, in that moment, Cali was overwhelmed with the urge to beg for forgiveness.

God, what had that file said? Something about forging a relationship between patient and administer, where-where she'd have a chemically charged instinct to fall in line with him, to appease an argument.

He had engineered her to always come crawling back to him.

He was worse than Michael had ever been.

"I hate you," she said, and almost managed to mean it. Malcolm's expression didn't change. "And if I didn't need you, I swear I would get the Hood to kill you."

Malcolm clicked his tongue disapprovingly and didn't sound the slightest bit bothered when he said, "There's no need to lie, Calissa. We both know you wouldn't."

Cali gritted her teeth against the wordless snarl of nauseous rage building in her chest and checked her watch. "I have to go," she bit out and gathered herself, cramming those jagged pieces back into the darkness where her inner monster lived. "The only time you contact me from now on is when you've got a working antidote."

Malcolm's smirk sharpened, and he flashed entirely too many teeth. "One more thing," he said, and damn her if she didn't wait for him to say it. "About the Humanitarian Award ceremony in five days-"

"Let me guess," Cali interrupted, viciously and cruelly amused. "You're being honoured. An actual psychopath is going to be awarded as a humanitarian."

"Psychopath is a strong word, Calico, I prefer being called a 'driven and loving father."

"No," Cali considered. "I think I like psychopath better."

Malcolm's short laugh was...sad, almost. "Oh daughter, you would have been a wonderful mother."

A positive pregnancy test being abandoned on the kitchen counter as Michael swept her off her feet, crowing his happiness for the world to hear-

A smile on Tommy's face, delight curling across his lips as he leapt across the table for a hug-

Thea, cheering in the foyer. Moira, mothering her from afar. Laurel, buying her baby clothes-

Crying as pain wracked her body, cramps shredding her abdomen as she lost the one thing that might have meant more than the world to her-

Something inside her fraying as the dirt started pouring into the hole in the ground, the willow weeping around her-

The crippling shame keeping her confined to bed, Michael yelling, a stone on her lungs as she forgot how to breathe, how to live-

Her face felt frigid, her lips suddenly dry. The willow tree moaned it's misery as the winds strengthened the slightest bit, stirring the dead leaves at her feet. She was all too aware of Gabriel's gravestone behind her, and what she'd buried here, what was lying under the dirt she was standing on.

Honest regret was crowding Malcolm's expression now, but he didn't open his mouth and no apology was forthcoming and Cali felt....she felt...

She inhaled a mouthful of the wind and willed it to freeze in her throat and then she forced it down and down and down, until everything inside of her was coated in a thick layer of ice and she just...

...stopped.

"I have to meet Laurel," she said again, flatly, and very specifically didn't look directly in her father's eyes. "Goodbye."

He started for her, hand half-raised. "Cali-"

But she was already walking away.

.                          .                        .

Laurel wished very strongly that she wouldn't have to be the one to start the conversation.

Not that Cali was doing anything, particularly, to make herself off-putting, but she'd arrived ten minutes late to Miko's and though they'd been there fifteen minutes already, she'd yet to say anything. Laurel had taken her time drinking her coffee, but she was starting to think that unless she made the first move, they'd sit here in a stalemate forever.

"Tommy's already said he doesn't want a party," she settled on, after draining the last dregs of her hazelnut cappuccino. "I was thinking about maybe hosting a dinner?"

Cali nodded absently, scratching at her wrist. "Something small," she said tiredly. "Not a restaurant. You, him, and Oliver? You could make it a couple's thing - Oliver can bring his latest girl, and Tommy can have you."

Laurel bit back her sigh. Another thing she was hesitant to negotiate. Playing go-between for Cali and Tommy had been absolutely exhausting over the past few weeks, and she had no interest in continuing to play the messenger. She'd already called Oliver several times in a fluster, and he'd simply suggested that he talk to Tommy and Laurel talk to Cali and then they'd leave the Merlyn siblings to figure it out themselves.

Which was a solid plan, really, but Laurel knew all too well how hard it was to make the first move when it came to family. And given that she wasn't even sure what it was that Tommy and Cali were fighting about, maybe she wasn't the best person to talk to Cali. Surely Felicity should be the one to handle Merlyn sibling therapy.

"He's going to want you there," Laurel said earnestly, and Cali blinked her attention back from wherever it had wandered. "He's not going to say it because he's a broody child sometimes, but he doesn't want to do this without you."

Cali snorted. "Laurel, you know I adore you, but I'd really rather not talk about mine and Tommy's problems right now. I just want to plan something for his birthday that's not going to ruin the rest of our relationship."

Laurel did her absolute best not to just dissolve with relief.

"Great!" She chirped, and motioned for a waitress to take their order. "So. Dinner plans."

.                          .                        .

At 2pm on Wednesday, they found out the boat went down at sea. No survivors.

Four hours later, when the thick blanket of quiet coating her thoughts snapped with a violent, piercing wail, Cali ventured out into the streets and stumbled upon her brother sitting slouched over a bar. He was dishevelled, eyes rimmed red and raw, his smile a twisted and broken mockery of what it had been not even a day ago.

"Tommy," she rasped, voice scraped raw and bleeding. "Tommy, look at me."

Tommy stared into the depths of his glass like it might hold all the answers and ignored her.

The bartender, a mournful middle-aged man, beckoned her over. "He's in a bad way, lass," he said gently. "I've cut him off for the night but he's been here for most of the night." He paused, clearly taking her in properly. "Say, you look in a bad way yourself. Is there anyone I should call for you?"

Cali wiped at her face - she'd not shed all her tears yet, but she'd screamed and screamed and screamed until her throat had closed and she'd collapsed in a soundless heap. "No," she managed. "No, there's nobody for you to call." A sad little smile. "There's been some deaths in the family." She nodded to the grieving statue that might be her brother. "They were uh, really close."

Her voice broke and she glanced away.

The bartender breathed out, and there was understanding on his face, like he knew what they were suffering that night. He must see a lot of people who lose too much and turn to alcohol to strip away the pain.

"I can call a cab for you, lass." The bartender was watching her again, she realised with a jolt. "I don't think you or your brother should be driving tonight."

She should call Parker - she trusted him to take care of the two of them right now, because he'd always looked after them and he'd know what to do and he'd know how to make Tommy snap out of it and Cali was too young to bear this burden.

But she'd left her phone at the Queen mansion, in the room that they called hers. Thea would still be in bed in that room, would likely still be crying if she hadn't passed out yet.

And Cali was...

On her own. She was on her own.

"A cab would be good," she said in a small voice. "Thank you."

The bartender was already moving over to the phone, so Cali shuffled back over to Tommy, tugging lightly on his arm. He still wasn't reacting, was still transfixed by the ice cubes in the empty glass. Fresh tear tracks marred his usually pristine skin, and his lips were chapped and bitten.

"Tommy," she tried, pulling a bit harder. "Tommy, c'mon. You've been cut off for the night and we can't stay here. We have to-have to go."

Not a flicker of awareness. His hands tightened around his glass. The ice cubes shifted as they slowly melted, and Cali could feel the scorching tears coming back up. Her eyes stung, tongue swollen, jaw clenched and aching as she fought desperately to keep her composure.

The bartender approached them again, spared her another pitying look as he reached forward and swept away Tommy's empty glass with deft hands. "There'll be a cab out the front for you in five, lass."

Cali yanked as hard as she could, desperate and miserable and mourning for a father that wasn't hers and a sister that wasn't hers and a boy that she'd loved-

A whimper escaped her mouth as she pulled Tommy's arm hard enough to slide him off the chair. He stumbled, blinking rapidly, but when he turned to face her, there was nothing in his eyes that suggested he knew who she was.

Cali kept pulling on his arm, but whatever strength she'd possessed had waned again and Tommy was too bulky and heavy for her to force anyway.

"Walk you miserable bastard!" She cried as he stood uselessly in front of her, arm still caught in her hands. "Christ, wake up, Tommy!"

The bartender approached cautiously, and he eased her away from her brother. "C'mon lassie," he murmured softly, and easily maneuvered Tommy's prone form forward. "I'll get him into the cab, okay? You just take deep breaths and keep control for me."

By the time they were outside, there was a cab already waiting, and Cali darted forward to open the backdoor so the bartender could fit Tommy into the backseat with a small grunt. "There we go," he sighed, once he'd gotten Tommy buckled and looked over at her. "Are you gonna be alright?"

Cali chewed on her lip as tears bubbled in her eyes. "No," she admitted in a whisper. "But none of us are. Thank you for calling the cab and getting him out here."

The bartender's smile was tiny and just as fragile as she was. "You ever need anything, lassie, you come here and you ask for Chris. I've seen too many people with your brother's look on their faces and I've not been able to stop most of them. I'd hate for you to lose him too."

She got in the cab without saying anything else, because the tears were spilling over and she couldn't stand there and listen to that kind man bid her freedom from tragedy. There was no freedom from what she was already living.

The cab driver caught her eye in the rear-view mirror, polite but detached. "Where too, miss?"

She couldn't go back to the mansion, not while Thea was haunting the hallways like she'd died alongside Oli-

"The Merlyn Estate, please."

The drive was a blur of grey and pain and Tommy, finally thawing enough to cry softly to himself against the window, and Cali fighting back tears of her own because she couldn't lose it until they were somewhere safe.

They pulled up slowly, and Tommy was out of the backseat before Cali had even undone her seatbelt and leaned forward to pay the driver. "Thank you," she managed, and he tipped his head as he accepted the cash.

Malcolm was already striding towards them with purpose, his mouth pinched unhappily, dressed down for the evening in a jumper and jeans.

"Oh my god," he breathed when he reached them. "I was worried sick. Neither of you were answering your phones and I heard about the 'Gambit' going down and-"

Tommy crashed into his chest, and Cali followed, and Malcolm wrapped one arm around his son and one arm around his daughter and pressed a kiss to their heads and held them very, very tightly.

And Cali began to cry.

.                          .                        .

'Star Trek' played quietly on the TV in the background, only earning part of Cali's attention as she focused very intently on the two hot chocolates she was concocting. She hadn't planned on having someone stay over tonight - Felicity had cheerfully announced that she needed to go home for a week to work on a project for Queen Consolidated - but Janet had been loitering outside her door when she'd gotten home from brunch, and Cali didn't have the heart to send her away.

So. Here they were, in the same apartment, and Cali was making them hot chocolates.

It wasn't the first time they'd been in each other's company since the letter, but without Felicity as the middle ground, Cali found herself floundering. Her confession haunted her - 'I don't know how to choose' - and every time she caught Janet staring at her wistfully, she could hear Felicity's answer echoing in her ears - 'Then don't.'

She wished desperately that it were that simple, that she could have both Janet and Oliver, but that would be cruel. She saw what half a heart was doing to Tommy, and she wouldn't ever wish that on the people she loved. And she couldn't pick one now anyway, because Oliver was already reluctant to let her get too close and she'd screwed things up with Janet and she was definitely going to die alone.

She picked both mugs up with shaky hands and went back out to the living room.

"Thank you," Janet said politely as she took the offered mug from Cali and blew on it gently. She nodded towards the TV and added, "You're just in time to see Kirk make his daring escape."

Cali plopped down on the couch beside her. "I bet ten bucks that we're gonna get some ripped shirt nip action."

"Fifteen says he loses his shirt entirely."

"Deal."

Silence worked best between them when Felicity wasn't here to fill it. Cali felt the absence somewhere to the right of her heart, nestled in between memories of monkey bars in Dolor Park and Neapolitan milkshakes. They'd been friends while they'd been lovers, and despite their breakup being something gentle, there was a distance between them that she didn't know how to bridge.

And to add to that, Cali wasn't even sure Janet wanted to rebuild their friendship. She'd come when Cali had called, yes, but before today, there'd always been a strict plan in place. Before today, she'd waited for Cali to extend the invitation, waited for Cali to make the decisions, waited for Cali to decide what she wanted.

There was nothing, nothing, that really indicated what it was that Janet wanted.

"How's Checkers?" Cali blurted out and immediately regretted it. She sucked in a huge mouthful of hot chocolate so she wouldn't say anything else stupid.

Janet glanced at her, eyes twinkling sadly. "He's okay," she answered quietly. "He misses you, I think."

Okay, ouch, maybe not the best topic to broach.

"I miss him too."

There was another beat of silence, and Cali steadfastly kept her attention on the TV as Janet debated whether she was going to say the words that were sitting on her tongue. "You could...You could come and visit him, if you want to," she offered faux-casually. When Cali snuck a look out of the corner of her eye, Janet was also very focused on the TV screen. "I wouldn't mind."

"I'd like that," she accepted carefully, and Janet's lips curved up.

Kirk was just re-energising on board the Enterprise with Spock when there was a knock at the door, and Cali exchanged a look with Janet. "Sorry," she said, and set her mug aside as she stood up. "Give me a sec. I'll tell whoever it is to come back tomorrow."

It was just her luck that someone would show up at the same time she was finally making progress with her relationships.

She was reaching for the door handle when the knock sounded again, more hesitant this time, and Cali rolled her eyes and swung the door open with a flourish and a huff. "Yeah, yeah, I'm here. What do you want?"

And Tommy said, "I want to apologise for being an asshole, but if now's not a good time, I can come back later."

Oh.

Well, then.

He looked...decidedly not good. He hadn't shaved, and the stubble added an element of age to his features that Cali wasn't used to. HIs hair, usually so well-kept and styled, was flat against his head, which further exaggerated the bags under his eyes and the sickly pallor to his face.

"Holy shit," Cali breathed. "You look terrible."

Tommy's grin was despairing. "Yeah, you don't look much better, bub."

Wordlessly, she held the door open a little wider, stepping back a little as Tommy brushed past her and swept into the apartment. Even his clothes were rumpled, as if someone had grabbed a hold of them and pushed him against a wall. Which would make a frightening amount of sense, actually, given Oliver's tendency to use physical force to make his points.

She followed him into the living room, making a face at Janet who simply looked at her quizzically.

"Sorry to interrupt girls' day," Tommy said smoothly, with a little of his usual charm infused in his voice. "You know I'm always happy to see you, Janet, but would you be able to spare me some time with my sister? I'm afraid we've been condemned to a Serious Conversation."

Janet snorted and shook her head, already moving to turn the TV off and abandon her mostly-finished hot chocolate on the side table. "Tommy Merlyn," she said lightly. "Always a trouble maker."

Tommy flourished a dramatic bow.

Janet laughed, short and sharp - Cali ribs ached something fierce as the sound whittled away her bones and carved out a piece of her heart. So many things were going wrong lately, and she was losing so many people, and if she lost Janet and Tommy, then she couldn't let Oliver be the Hood for fear of losing him too.

"Sorry," she said to Janet again, as she walked the waitress to the door. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realise he was coming over, but we really do need to talk and-"

"CC," Janet interrupted. "Hey, it's okay. You and I will have time to work this out later, okay?" She pressed a featherlight kiss to Cali's cheek, her lips searing hot on Cali's chilled skin. "Come over whenever you have time, okay? I'll text you my roster. You can come see Checkers and we'll watch a movie or something."

I love you, Cali thought but didn't say, and then Janet was turning and walking away and Cali was left standing by the door, confession sealed safely away behind her tongue.

Exhaling shakily, Cali shut the door and locked it, scrubbing at her face and taking a moment to reign in her leaky emotions and lock them all down again, burying them somewhere past the flower field around her lungs. Whatever conversation she was about to have with Tommy, it was going to be difficult, and she couldn't afford to lose control again, not like in the hospital.

When she made it back to the living room, Tommy had already collapsed on the couch and was casually tapping out a message to someone on his phone. He looked even more unkempt sitting down - he looked almost scrawny, like some of his weight had withered away too quickly for his body to adapt.

"Tommy," Cali started timidly. "Are you...okay?"

She'd seen him this way before, after coming back from Hong Kong with empty hands and crushed hope. He'd gone looking for Oliver, and instead he'd found agony and misery and a ghostly fairy-tale. Lies. And Cali hadn't been there for him like she should've been, too busy trying to justify the leash Michael had her on to stop her brother from splintering into pieces.

She could help him now, though. Even if she was the reason he was like this, she could help, would help him.

Tommy turned off his phone and set it down, taking a deep breath. Exhaustion hid in the pockets of his face, and for a brief moment, Cali looked at him and she saw their father. "Come sit," Tommy said, and patted the empty space beside him on the couch. "I promise I won't bite, if you promise that you'll leave my feelings alone."

Nausea built low in her stomach and she surged forward, throwing herself down beside him and turning pleading eyes on him. "Oh, Tommy, I swear I'll never do that to you again-"

His hand lashed out and grabbed her wrist in a firm but not bruising grip. "Don't. Don't talk about forever, because you have no idea what forever's gonna hold. All I want from you is your word that you're not going to do it now."

She could do that. She would do that. She had to.

If she lost control now, there would be no coming back, no forgiveness, no second chances. She was already on thin ice with Tommy, already bracing for his quick temper and harsh words and-and everything he'd ever inherited from Malcolm.

And she deserved it! She did! What she'd done at the hospital, what she'd done again, later to Felicity and then Oliver, it was dangerous, despicable. That Tommy was willing to talk it out now was a miracle she hadn't dared pray for.

"I promise," she said lowly, and Tommy gave a jerky nod and dropped her arm like it burned him.

"Okay," he sighed, visibly forcing away some of his tension. "Okay. Look, Oliver tore me a new one about the way I reacted to this whole thing-"

"You were completely within your right to be upset!"

He held up a hand and Cali shrunk back instinctually, trapping the inside of her cheek between her teeth as Tommy's eyes grew sad. "No, Cali," he told her very, very gently. "That's not what I mean. I was right to be upset, but the way I handled Laurel's kidnapping was poor of me, and the way I've made you feel as though I, what, I hate you? That's not acceptable."

It wasn't like she actually thought he hated her. It was more like...

Well.

Hm, okay. There wasn't really a way around that one.

Logically, Cali knew that he was just angry and violated and hurt, but he'd forced such a distance between them and she'd never really experienced it before. Usually, distance and anger and being ignored meant that Michael was beyond furious with her, and she'd fallen back into that fear the second that Laurel had confirmed that Tommy didn't want to hear from her.

So, maybe she wasn't scared he hated her, maybe she was just scared.

Tommy's expression, impossibly, got sadder. "Hey, bub, you do know that I don't blame you for what happened, right?"

Literally unbelievable. Like, Cali genuinely couldn't believe it. "There was nobody else in the room with us that could have caused that, Tommy," she said helplessly. "It wasn't like Malcolm was standing on the side-lines pulling the strings. It was my conscious decision to manipulate your feelings and as a direct result, you and Oliver got hurt."

It was something she'd carry on her shoulders until the day she died.

Tommy's nose twitched, and a vein in his neck strained. "Cali," he said slowly, "do you understand that Malcolm is the reason you've even got these...abilities?" His tone tripped over the word. "It's not an easy situation to be in, and you've got no control over this yet. Things are bound to happen that you don't mean, and that is solely on our father, you hear me? He said he'd make it go away and instead he made it worse, and that's not on you."

It was inconceivable, the amount of love he had for her, to forgive such a vast transgression. To give away the lion's share of the blame to another, to absolve her of this crime, to-to forgive her just like that.

He was the better sibling. He had always been the better sibling and he would always be the better sibling because he was sitting here and he was forgiving her, and she was still holding so many secrets in the little cage in her head.

Laurel and Oliver kissing at the party, Malcolm sabotaging the yacht and killing Robert and Sarah, Moira and Malcolm planning something terrible calling the Undertaking, Oliver being the Hood and killing people, her constant and unavoidable urges to go crawling back to Malcolm, the fact that Felicity and Diggle knew about and were taking part in missions-

So many secrets taking up so much space in her thoughts, and Tommy was only aware that she was hiding something.

If he ever found out any of those secrets, there would be no coming back for them.

"Oh Cali," Tommy said sadly, leaning forward to swipe his thumb across her cheek. "This was never your fault."

And it was that gentle, affectionate touch that forced her eyes closed, and when she leaned forward into his hug, she could feel his apprehension and misgivings settle, ice-cold, against her shoulder blades. It was okay, though, she would take them and she would hold them there until this whole nightmare was over and she could grant him peace.

"So," Tommy said with forced pep, easing out of the hug. "You and Janet - what's going on there?"

Cali let herself get drawn into casual conversation, and tried to ignore the sudden dread that latched onto her hip.