*Trigger warning, details on Death, Drug abuse and Accidental Overdose*

( Lola's POV)

    I remember every little thing about the day that my elder brother died, from what I was wearing that day, to what I ate , to what we talked about; every single thing.

     Leonel was my very first friend, my closet pal, my best bud and everything more. There are no words to describe how close I was to my brother. We got into trouble together, made joint decision on what acts of rebellion would make our parents mad together, we were partners.

Some people are not close to their siblings or shy away from showing how much they like being around them, but that wasn't Leo and I.

       Leo would leave his friends to sit with my friends and I to make sure I ate, he'd playfully call himself my bodyguard when we were at parties because his attention was always where I was. I used to feel like our parents lack of attention was made up for by how Leonel was always there.

    I remember how he rushed to me when I had called him during his soccer practice because I didn't really know what to do when I got my period. He was fourteen then and almost as clueless as I was but mum talked him through everything, right after he disrupted her meetings with several calls.

    When I was ten, I told him I wanted to become an actress and he made me join drama club and also join in with me to save me from taunts and keep me company since I was new, when I decided that same year that I was into photography, he made mom and dad get me all the best photography stuffs that money could buy and offered to be my model if I ever needed one – he knew how to make me laugh without even trying. Leonel was far from perfect, but he loved me a lot.

     Whenever mom and dad were working– which was always, Leo made sure that I didn't feel their absence, he'd drag me to parties with him if he knew I'll be alone or decline invites just to sit at home with me.

    We argued a lot, especially when I had my first kiss with one of his friends or when I disobeyed him and attended a party he wasn't in support of. He was only two years older than me but always loved to act much older since our parents were too busy with work to pay attention to us. Typical.

    On the day he died, we were both supposed to attend a party. Mom and dad were out of town so we were free to go home late without them ever finding out. As the ever fashion forward person I was then, I was busy picking out an outfit to wear for that party. Till this day I'll always look back and regret the fact that I was wasting my time on such a stupid thing when I could have been sitting with him.

     The family therapist dad hired when we were in New York kept repeating that I wasn't at fault, but how can I ever believe that. I remember how that day started, it has been etched into my memory like a scene from an awful movie. Tainting my mind for months with every details perfectly engrained in my brain, making up my nightmares throughout that year and affecting me in more ways than I can say.

    It started like most days in mine and Leo's life; Mom and Dad leaving separate notes on the dining table explaining where they were and how long they'll be before they came back and then ending the notes with 'I love yous' which I doubted then.

    Leonel was always the calmer one, although whenever he was angry, he could be worst than me who was always getting mad then. I remember how I scoffed loudly at the 'I love you' when he read those letters out and how he carefully explained that our parents really loved us but their work was demanding. He always did that, try to make me understand things like that.

   We had cereals for breakfast that morning, Beatrice chopped up strawberries for us to have with our cereals, she gave Leo more and he gave her a kiss on her cheek. The driver dropped us off at school when we were through. I remember how he tried to cheer me up when I was still mad about our parents trip that day, he said, "Lo, you know I always like to look on the bright side of situations and there is a very bright side to Mom and Dad coming back in a few days time."

    I was so mad at our parents that day and was in no mood to be cheered up, I knew leo was waiting for me to ask  what the bright side was but I rolled my eyes and scrolled through my phone so he started to tickle me because I was scowling, I laughed so hard my head was pressed against the window of the car, my phone fell to the floor while I kicked him away with my legs. When we settled down, he announced with all the bravado that he tended to use that, "we could party all night and no one would find out, when the parents are away, the kids will play."

    I remember thinking what he said was so tacky and I told him. We got to school that day and he did his bro hugs with all his friends, they were five and about three of them were on the soccer team with him. Now that I think about it, I only really liked two of his friends, Raymond and Dylan – Dylan was the one I had my first kiss with– those two were like brothers to me and I guess to him too.

    Later that day, he decided that we should have lunch outside school, we were six that went out that day; me, Felicia- who was one of my friends, Leo's girlfriend, Addison, Leo, Dylan and Raymond whose car we took. It was an SUV and chauffeur driven, I remember Addison sitting on Leonel's thighs, she was so happy that day and so was Leo, throughout lunch they chatted alone and rarely with any of us and he promised to meet her at the party that night.

      After school we sat down chatting, he was going through his social media and I remember him seeing a video on someone's status where they were taking some kind of drugs at some party. When he died, his reaction to that video made total sense. I was shocked at how he shouted, "wow, this is so cool!".

    When I peeped to see what he was on about, he moved his phone away but I already saw, shocked seems small to describe my reaction. That day we argued a lot about the type of people he had as friends, I knew basically all the people in his class at our old school, to know that those guys were not from our school and they were older than Leo. He told me they were friends-of -a- friend, I made him promise to never to associate with them.

     Another reason I blame myself for his death is that, on that day, after he promised that he'll never hang around people like that, he changed the topic by asking me to hang with him, obviously using my words to joke around. I playfully said, "I'll rather wear last season dresses than hang with you big bro."

   He placed his hand on his chest and squeezed his face like I sent an arrow through his heart but laughed immediately after, Leo then begged me to come up to his room and listen to the new song he was done writing. I've heard part of the song and I told him but he claimed he wanted to play me the complete song. But it was getting late and I didn't have a dress picked out, so I refused.

     The fake sad look Leo gave only made me roll my eyes. I walked away laughing at his impression of Rihanna's stay .

    Later, I heard him playing a really nice guitar piece, although his voice sounded muffled to me from behind my room doors, I enjoyed listening to the sound of it. When the house fell quiet, I didn't think much of it, I had video called Addison to help me out with a dress. If only I knew while I was busy looking for a dress, Leo was probably at the brink of death.

   I really loved the way I looked that day, I was wearing a red mini gown and my makeup was so nice, I took several pictures of my self. We were getting late for the party so I went to Leo's room to get him, somehow, I didn't think it was strange that I was the early one, Leo was always complaining about me taking too much time to get dressed but that day I was the one to complain about him delaying.

    I only started to suspect something foul when I found his door locked. Leonel never locked his door, it was only ever closed, Leo claimed that it was easier to get out or get saved in case of danger with an unlocked door rather than a locked door. But, despite suspecting something was wrong, I kept trying to convince myself it was a trick.

     The shock of seeing my brother dead... dead. Lying unconscious and unmoving with no one but the maid who brought the spare keys by my side. I could remember seeing her scream but I couldn't hear anything, it felt unreal, the only thing I could do was to hold his cold hands in mine, I touched his hair, maybe he'll wake up, Leo hated when his hair was messed up, all I could think of was why he was letting me mess up his hair.

    I tapped him, thinking he was joking, maybe he was pulling a prank on me for not staying to listen to his song, I saw his cold body lying on the floor but it was like my brain couldn't process the fact that he was dead. God, how does a younger sister accept the fact that her loving older brother would no longer be there with her, how could I accept that I wouldn't hear Leo telling me 'Lola Liana, finish your food, don't starve yourself to fit into a dress", or the one I hated to hear then "Lola, listen to me because I'm older therefore wiser."

    The scattered candy like pills beside his body felt like mockery, they were red, as red as my dress. I could remember questioning every single thing that had happened that day, was I the cause of his death? Why did I refuse to go up with him? Did he commit suicide? He might not have died if I was with him. It was at that thought that the realisation that my brother was dead set in, I could hear voices in the background of his room that day, it was the helps, some of them were sobbing but the one that stuck with me was the voice of one of the drivers, I think he called the police because I heard him say "We think his dead."

   'Dead', dead ? that word shouldn't be associated with my brother, Leo was lively, the life of the party... He should be alive, alive not dead. We were supposed to be at the party, he shouldn't be dead, he'd promised to see Addison at the party, he was supposed to be smiling and laughing, dancing too, not lying lifeless on the ground.

      I was so confused, it was like my brain suddenly slowed and I was processing things too slow, I already managed to understand that he was dead but I remembered that people usually checked someone's heart beat to see if they were still breathing. Somehow, I didn't think to do it first, but as soon as I thought of it, I placed my ear on his chest and couldn't hear or feel anything.

    The same driver from earlier was explaining things to my parents on the phone when a tear slid down from my eyes to Leo's shirt, I was suddenly angry. I tried to call out Leo's name maybe he'll answer, it was a whisper at first till it became loud violent screams coupled by shaking him. That must have triggered something in Beatrice because I could suddenly hear her sobs becoming loud.

    I hadn't looked behind me since I saw Leo's body so I did not how many people were in the room or who and who but as soon as I heard Beatrice voice, I turned my head to her. She was hugging herself and her pale face seemed sheet white, tears lined her cheek, her face always held a smile when she looked at Leo, he was her favorite. They'd  cook together, he was always around her, teasing and making her laugh, Leo totally adored Beatrice, maybe if she talked to him he'd listen.

    That thought seemed to push away my earlier acceptance that he was dead, it felt like I had found a new solution. I started screaming at Beatrice to wake him up, I didn't care what she did, she should call out his name, scold him or even bribe him with a bowl of her chicken soup, it was his favorite anyways, Leo needed to get up.

    I needed to listen to him sing, he wanted to play his newly completed song to me and I needed to hear it but he was lying dead.

   I didn't know how long I sat there sobbing and wishing I could turn back time, but the police came and started covering him up and I got more violent, I wouldn't let them do their work, it took two cop and Beatrice gentle prodding to hold me back.

   My parents came back the next day looking exactly like they should, guilty and sad, what do they expect, leaving two teenagers to their own devices almost always. I was too sad to even be mad at them, the only thing I could do was cry. If they were the functional parents they ought to be, they'd have been more aware of everything we did, like how we partied till the next day and worst stuff.

   Leo would still be writing songs for me to listen to, making jokes for me to laugh at and being the best brother I could ever ask for, if only I sat with him throughout that day, he wouldn't have had the time to take those pills which he had accidentally overdosed on.

    The media and the fact that my mom liked to run away from things that plagued her was the reason we moved to San Francisco. I decided that I wouldn't make the same mistakes I did then, mistakes like loving fashion too much I chose picking a dress over sitting with my brother, mistakes like letting popularity be one of my core focus and attention. I wish Leo knew that now I'll give anything to sit with him, I wouldn't pick a dress over him, I don't care about all those things again, I reinvented myself to and I think that's the best.

 
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A/n it's been a minute, I think a month. I'm beginning to feel I'm wierd for talking to myself. I feel a little bit down today I don't know why tho but hi dears, how are you all doing?

  I really appreciate anyone who'd take the time to read my stories, I mean little old me putting fictional realities on these pages and someone reading it and actually enjoying it is such a pleasure for me.

  Now that the cats out of the bag about what happened, what do y'all think?

Tell me your thoughts on everything and anything, feel free to rant about how you feel here too :().

  Okay, I'm talking too much. Bye.

Thank you for reading.
NmX.