"I'm telling you, Sades, he loves you!" Sadie's cousin laughed loudly through the phone.

"He can't possibly love me, he just found out what I look like." Sadie rolled her eyes.

"Haven't you heard of love at first sight? Besides, you said he's been texting a lot even before finding out what you looked like? Obviously he was attracted to something besides your beauty!"

Sadie scowled as though her cousin could see her.

"Don't scowl at me," Carla surprised her. "Anyway, you said he sent a picture. Is he cute? Is he?"

Sadie hesitated.

"Well come on, is he?" Carla persisted.

"Okay, yeah, he's kinda cute."

"Kinda?"

Sadie sighed a little. The truth was, seeing Harry's face for the first time had almost made her heart stop. The guy was hot. "Okay, he's really cute."

"And he lives in London? That's great, meet up with him! Get that guy friend of yours to go though, Shaun? Just in case, to be on the safe side."

Sadie rolled her eyes. "Relax Carla. He's a musician. He's known world-wide, he's probably on a tour or something anyway."

"And he sings?" Carla gushed. "Get him!"

Sadie ignored that comment and pulled the sleeves of her sweater over her cold hands. "I told you I'm going to a party tonight, right?"

"Yeah, your friend Eliana is hosting it, isn't she? Some sort of house-warming party that's full of booze?"

"Yeah, she and her new hubby got back from the honeymoon, bought a house and moved in, they're throwing the party tonight." Sadie eyed the dress she would be wearing later. It was blue, not very low-cut and reached her knees, because she didn't want to put off an 'easy' vibe.

Of course, she also didn't want to talk to Carla anymore, because she knew her cousin was far too man-crazy for her own good. Lucky for her, it was that exact moment that her phone buzzed--constantly.

"Hey Carla, I gotta go, someone's texting me." she vaguely. "A lot, it seems important."

"Ooh," Carla sounded interested. "Is it Harry? It's Harry, isn't it?"

"No Carla, it's not Harry." Sadie rolled her eyes, knowing she was lying through her teeth.

"Yeah, right, okay. Tell me what he said."

"No, I will not tell you what he said, that's my business and his, nobody else's."

"You're no fun,"

"Goodbye Carla,"

"Talk to you later, and I want party details." Carla said, and ended the call before Sadie could protest.

Sadie scowled and glanced at her phone--eight new messages from Harry.

Fuck.

Sorry.

But seriously. FUCK.

Wait you're on the phone with someone.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

HELP ME OUT HERE

SADES HE WANTS ME TO VISIT.

MUFFIN I'MMA GONNA DIE IF I GO THERE.

Sadie rolled her eyes before responding, unashamedly laughing a little. What happened haha

I just told you he asked me to come over.

Sorry Buttercup XD

Don't fucking Buttercup me.

FUCK. ME.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT DON'T EVEN SAY IT.

I can't fuck you, I can't see you. ;)

You fucking said it. -_-

Not in the mood, bitch.

I'm your bitch ;)

Crud that didn't come out right.

No it didn't XD

Shut up -_-

Can't. People don't talk about their feelings enough.

And some people would do better to stay quiet.

I'd like to say you're making me feel better but honestly I'm freaking out more.

Like seriously freaking out.

MEGA FREAKING OUT HERE.

Jeez, okay okay, sorry. Why don't you just . . . I don't know, dig a hole and hide in it? Maybe die there.

NOT HELPING AT ALL

FUCK

THAT MADE IT WORSE

Okay scale of one to ten how bad are you right now?

I DON'T KNOW, LIKE ELEVEN?

That wasn't even on the chart.

I KNOW BUT MY OCD MAKES MY ANXIETY TWICE AS BAAADDD.

How is that even possible? Doesn't it just mean you have, like, obsessive impulses? Like . . . touch all door handles three times etc?

Yes but no because when I see or hear something that upsets me my OCD keeps it stuck in my head and it goes round and round.

Like a record baby?

Suwre I was sayign caroseul but yesrgtj.

Please tell me you're not about to go all sporadic on me.

Whasgt?

That, the fumbling fingers texting.

I ccatng help itth my hahands arrew shakingur nowe.

Now I'm notst juststy thinknibg abbout the gpatry anygbnmore

What else is it?

You meskntioned dahth

Death?

YEHSJS.

That's a sore subject for you?

MKJUEGA

What?

MEGhuA

Mega?

YESH

You sound like you have braces.

CAWLL MEJGH

What?

CALL ME

Did it just take you two minutes to type that out?

MINSUS THE TYOPS YAHES NOW JUSTSG CHAL MELTN.

Well I don't think you're 'meltin'' but okay.

Sadie hesitated, then clicked the CALL button. It rang for only a second before it answered and a deep voice asked, "Sadie?"

One voice should not have this much over her. And yet, strangely, it did--it made her freeze, forget how to speak, mind gone blank. Because it wasn't just any voice, but a soft one that, though quivering at the present moment, was obviously a strong one; deep, husky, sexy, sounding like music in her ears and registering as bliss in her mind. One that wasn't loud yet wasn't quiet, somewhere in between, and it made her body still.

"Sadie?" the voice asked again.

"Yes, sorry, I'm here." she said quickly.

"Your voice is pretty." Harry said. His lisp was prominent, yet somehow she knew that when he was calm, it would barely be registered. "I like it."

"Thank you," she said quietly. "Um . . . Harry? Are you okay?"

"I d-don't know," Harry said after a moment.

"What's wrong?"

"I m-mean it c-could be because of how l-last night went, so I didn't r-really sleep much and I'm always out of it kind of after something like that, but--"

"Just tell me what's wrong, as simply as you possibly can." Sadie cut him off, knowing he was rambling.

"I'm sc-cared."

"Why?"

"Because my b-brother n-never asked me to come over before, not s-since Ella, and it s-sounds like he wanted to make up b-but I don't know what I'm supposed to do and Ella will be there and what if I s-say something stupid?" he blabbered on, getting more and more nervous and angry the longer he spoke. "Th-there will be so m-many p-people there and I h-hate t-talking to people and he kn-knows that and he'll probably get drunk and I'll have to be h-hearing El-l-la t-talking to him the way she used to talk to me and I d-don't even love her anymore s-so I don't understand why it's bothering me s-so much and I d-don't feel very well and I know I'm m-making myself worse but I c-can't help it."

"Okay, okay, calm down." Sadie said gently, but in a tone that was firm and loud enough for him to hear her over his absent talking. "What are you doing right now?"

"I'm c-curled up on my b-bed, sha-shaking like a f-fucking leaf."

Sadie heard him sniffle, but thought it best not to point out that a grown man was crying.

"Okay. Well first off, I'm sorry I made you worse. I didn't mean to."

"I kn-know b-but you did," Harry wailed.

"I didn't realize it would upset you." Sadie said softly. "If you don't mind my asking, what was it that I triggered?"

"P-P-PTSD."

Sadie hesitated. "Your brother?"

"Y-yeah."

"How . . . how did he die?"

Harry moaned. "I feel sick. P-please don't make me tell y-you."

"Okay, okay, don't tell me right now, I can wait until you're ready, it's okay, don't worry."

"He k-killed himself," Harry wailed unexpectedly.

Sadie froze. "He . . . I'm so, so sorry, Harry. Oh my God, I swear, if I'd known, I wouldn't have--"

"He w-went to the l-lake and we th-thought he was m-meeting friends but then the c-cops called and--and--and--"

Sadie winced as he gagged. "Calm down, you're going to make yourself sick."

"I c-can't," Harry sobbed. "I c-can't, Sadie."

"You're okay. Look around you, alright? Tell me what you see."

Harry hesitated, probably blinking, and sniffled a little. "I'm in my b-bedroom."

"Okay, see? You're not in danger." Sadie said calmly. She remembered having to go through this same exercise once before, years ago. "Tell me what it looks like--what color the walls are, what the floor is like, what you see on the walls or shelves, whatever you see, tell me. Be my eyes."

"Um, the w-walls are blue. A p-pale blue, but they u-used to be brighter. It l-looks sort of like a bluebird? And um . . . the floor, it's blue carpet. Th-there's lamps shaped like r-racecars, and the sheets have racecars too because I love cars and this is my k-kid room. Th-th-the other bed is across the r-room and it's g-got dinosaur sheets because that was H-Hayden's bed." Harry's voice was growing steadily calmer as he spoke, something Sadie had expected. "And um . . . um . . . it's g-got his stuffed dinosaur on the pillows. Um . . . there's a big b-bookshelf, because when I l-learned how to read I always liked going to the bookstore with my momm--um . . . with my mother. And there's a photo on my b-bedside table of me and the whole family, it was . . . um . . . 2005? We were at a barbecue and we've all got these ridiculous swim trunks on and I'm squinting because the sun's in my eyes and Hayden is giving daddy little bunny ears."

"Okay, and now tell me what it smells like there. Is it . . . sweet, or dusty, or . . . tell me anything, anything you can smell from where you are right now."

"Roses, I smell roses. Mom always liked roses and having things smell pretty for us."

"Okay and what about . . . sounds, what sounds do you hear?"

"Um . . . I hear, um . . . my heart, and . . . birds outside, and um . . . I hear my mom and dad in the living room. I think they're dancing to an Elvis Presley song, because when they got married that's the song they danced to."

"Take a deep breath," Sadie said calmly, and spoke again after he had breathed. "And now tell me how you feel?"

"I feel . . . I feel better." Harry said, sounding a bit surprised. "I . . . I think I'm okay now."

"Yeah? Is your heart . . . beating normally now? It's not thudding too fast?"

"No it's okay."

"And your stomach, it's not nauseous?"

"Not anymore."

"Good. Good, I'm glad." Sadie smiled.

"Sadie?" he asked suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you,"

"For what?"

"Um . . . for helping me. That's never happened before." Harry explained sadly. "Until now, if I ever had a panic attack like this, well it never ends well."

"Yeah, I think you mentioned something about studying the inside of a toilet bowl." Sadie joked. "Hey, I'm sorry if I said things to upset you, I really didn't mean to. It's like . . . my way. You know, make them laugh so they don't cry?"

She heard Harry shuffling around, and after a moment heard him blowing his nose.

"How so?" he asked finally, his voice a bit stuffy but better now that his nose was clear.

"My brother would do that when I was little." she shrugged though he couldn't see it. "I mean, I was little, so he didn't say things quite as . . . mean . . . as I have, but . . . I just thought it would be funny."

Sadie stopped talking as she remembered falling off her bike at six years old. Lyle had been trying to teach her to ride, but of course he had let go and she'd fallen, effectively scraping up her knee. Just as she'd been about to start wailing, he crouched down and laughed.

"Are you okay?" he'd asked. "You looked so funny. I once flipped over the handlebars."

After that he had cleaned her up and kissed it all better and got her back up on the bike despite her protests, and now she rode her bike all the time.

"A person shouldn't joke about things like that," Harry's voice dragged her back.

"I know that, and I'm sorry."

"Have you ever had someone die? Someone that you loved?"

Sadie hesitated. "Nobody I was close to."

"Then you don't know. And you don't know what it feels like to know how they died, and to feel as though it's partly your fault. And you don't want to know, because it's horrible. Have you ever had depression?"

"Not like you."

"Good, and I hope you never do. Because it's like the entire world is covered by rain clouds; it's like there's just enough light to not be in a complete power failure. It's like your brain shuts down and you're left with nothing. No feeling, no want, no desire, no emotion. You're a shell of a person with glass eyes that just stare and see nothing. Or if your brain doesn't shut down, all that works of it is the part that tells you all the bad things that you don't want to hear, all the insecurities, all the darkness in the world. All that you remember are the horrible things that have happened to you, or you remember the good ones with pain because that's not you anymore but you wish it was. You think nothing good can or will ever happen to you again. It's as though every inch of your soul is shattered, as though the shadows in your room grew arms and snatched you away. It's the worst feeling in the entire world."

Sadie didn't know what to say, and so she stayed quiet.

"The only time I had depression that bad was when Jordan died. I had depression before then, but it wasn't bad. And I have depression right now, but it's not bad. I can handle it. But at fifteen years old, hearing your brother drowned, by his own hand, everything shatters." Harry said. His voice was shaking again, loud and angry, defiant, and yet it wasn't that he was angry with her so much as himself. "And what's even harder is being that way for an entire year, and what's worse is--"

He broke off here, as though just realizing what he was saying.

"It's . . . what, Harry?" she asked.

"Nothing." he sighed. "Nothing, Sadie."

"But it is something."

"You'll run away,"

"No I won't,"

"A lot of people say that, Sadie. Not many mean it."

"But I do." she said simply. There wasn't another way to describe her tone, because she didn't want to sound firm or flat or as if she were trying to prove he was wrong, because she wasn't, and she really did mean what she was saying, even if he didn't believe it.

"A few weeks after he died I started to hurt myself," Harry finally said. "Little things at first. I would steal my parents' booze and get so drunk that Hayden had to lock me in our room so nobody saw me that way. I would use my razor and make marks on my arms. The only that stayed is on my bicep, and looking at it makes me sick now, because I hate remembering how I was then. And when I was sixteen. . ."

Sadie stayed silent, waiting for him to go on of his own accord.

"When I was sixteen I climbed up to our roof and had to be talked down by my brother."

Sadie blinked, once, twice. "I'm glad you didn't jump."

"You are?"

"Yeah, I am. I like you. Even if I didn't, even if we never spoke at all, I'm glad you didn't. I'm glad you're here."

"Why?"

"Because nobody should feel that way or think it's the only way out. Because it's not, and it's hard to go through shit on your own. There's a lot more ahead of you and a lot of different ways to get past whatever it is you're going through. A lot of people don't see that but it's true. And you can always gets through it, even when you think you can't or won't."

"How do you know that?"

"My dad died when I was sixteen." Sadie sighed. "He was depressed and got drunk, died in a car accident. I wasn't very close to him because my parent's separated when I was seven, so it didn't hit me as hard as it could have. But the man who hit him tried to kill himself in the hospital, because he was so upset about what happened and where he was in his life. His son had just died, and he wasn't happy about where he was in his life. I heard and I went to see him, and he was such a nice man that I felt so bad that he was in pain, and I wanted to take it all away. So I told him those things, and a lot more."

"Like what?"

"Like I have a scar on my lower back from where my ex boyfriend hurt me, and I showed him the scar above my breasts--no, he didn't see them--because when I was sixteen I was in pain. My brother was in the army and he was MIA. You can't see the mark too much now but I know it was there." Sadie sighed. "And I told him that he had the rest of his life to think about, his friends, his family, his kids who needed him, his wife who was heartbroken. How my brother was in the army and was missing. How I worried he would never come back, and he told me that God would get me through it. I told him, 'If God will get me through it, why won't he get you through it?' It made him think, and he told me he wanted to go home to his family."

"Did he?"

"I visited him every other day for a week and a half. The last day there, he thanked me and told me he hoped my brother came home. He told me I helped him, and how he was going home to his family. He hugged me and told me I was a beautiful young lady who was strong enough to get through anything. He told me he was thankful I was alive not because I helped him but because one day I would help someone else."

"Have you seen him since?"

"No, and I don't know if I will. He could live a dozen hours away. It doesn't matter whether you see a person once or see a person a million times--the impact you make in their life will always stick. I'm glad I could make a positive one."

Harry was quiet for a minute, leaving Sadie to wonder if he was still on the line. "You're amazing, you know that?"

"No I'm not, I'm me."

Harry laughed. "Seriously, Muffin, you're incredible."

"Thanks," Sadie smiled, ducking her head as she blushed. "You're not so bad yourself."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, content with listening to the sound of each other's breathing.

"How's your stomach?" She finally asked, unsure what else to say.

"Mm. It's okay. Breakfast's not sitting right." He said off-handedly, and she got the feeling he was busy.

"What are you doing?"

"Looking asked a family photo," he said, and she heard him swallow hard. "I miss it. Being like that, you know? A real family, close and everything. We're kind of broken now. I'm kind of broken, I guess."

"The best people usually are." Sadie said quietly. "You're not broken, Harry. You're just . . . a bit. . ."

"Damaged?" He chuckled.

"No!" She gasped, laughing a little in spite of herself. "You're just . . . You've got a few cracks, some bruises, scars. That's okay. The best people do. It means you've survived through tough times."

"Have you got scars? I mean, visible ones."

"Yes," Sadie said slowly.

"Where? What from? I'm sorry, I shouldn't be asking that." Harry started rambling a bit, suddenly nervous.

"It's okay," Sadie laughed. "How about I tell you that story another time, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Did you know in Japan, they fix broken vases with liquid gold?" Sadie blurted out. "They don't believe something is gone once it breaks, but instead that it can be fixed and is still worth keeping. The gold in the cracks serves as glue, and makes the vase prettier and stronger when the gold hardens."

"That's interesting," Harry said honestly, then he laughed. "Are you saying I'm shattered pottery?"

Sadie laughed loudly. "No, Harry."

"I like you, you make me laugh a lot." Harry said. "Nobody ever makes me laugh like you do."

"You make me laugh, too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Cool,"

"Cool."

"Copy cat."

"But I'm a funny copy cat."

"Yeah, okay." He breathed out a laugh, and Sadie smiled, her face warm.

There was a dull crashing sound, and then Harry swore.

"You okay?" Sadie wasn't sure why she was so worried all of a sudden.

"Yeah, I'm good. I just dropped my bike helmet. And half a dozen books. On my feet. I'm okay. I'm not hopping around my room or anything. Like a rabbit. In pain. I'm cool."

Sadie burst out laughing, and sighed inwardly in relief as he let out a sort of giggle that made her laugh harder.

"I love your laugh," he whispered.

Sadie felt heat creep into her cheeks. "Yeah?"

"Yeah,"

"I like your voice,"

"I'm a musician, I have to have a nice voice." He joked. "Deriously though, yours is nice, too. It's pretty, like . . . like fairy bells or something."

"Fairy bells?"

"What, your mom never told you stories about the fairies that live in the garden?"

"No,"

"What? Oh Sadie, honey, you're missing out. See, they live in the flowers and watch us humans when the angels are watching someone else, because twenty-four-seven is a tough job, and they leave little gifts for you and tell the butterflies where to lay their eggs. . ."

Sadie's mind drifted off as Harry rambled on, and she found herself thinking how good a father he would be if he were to have a little girl someday.

No, she thought. You can't think that way. Not now. You don't know him. Not again.

"Sades, you there?" His voice finally brought her back, and she smiled.

"Yeah, I was just thinking how much I love your stories." She said truthfully.

"I like the things you say, too." He said, just as truthfully as her.

"Yeah?"

"Of course," Harry was quiet for a moment. "I should go."

"Yeah, okay."

"We should . . . We should do this again sometime . . . Call, I mean. And like . . . Not because I'm a sobbing mess."

"Yeah, next time I'll be the sobbing mess." Sadie joked.

"If that's true, I won't stop talking until you feel so good you'll believe the sun will never set."

Sadie's face flames with heat. "That sounds romantic."

"Maybe it's supposed to be."

"It's poetic,"

"It's a musician,"

"So you've said."

"Well, I. . ."

"Yeah, you should go. That party should be happening soon."

"Yeah. . ."

"Yeah. . ."

Neither of them wanted to hang up, and stood listening to their breathing for several more minutes.

"I like you, Muffin." Harry breathed.

"Same here, Buttercup." Sadie whispered. "I like you a lot."

"I'll talk to you soon, Muffin. Don't miss me too much."

"I'll miss you way too nuch," Sadie said truthfully.

"I--"

"What?"

"Nothing, I just. . ."

"No, what were you going to say?" Sadie was curious.

"I . . . I love you, Muffin."