The apartment was small but it would do. It was the only place I could get at such a short notice. As a matter of fact, I was lucky to have found an ad in the newspaper from the airport.

The flight to Cebu was the first thing I was able to book from Manila and since I wanted to go where Renz would least expect me to, I went to Cebu City even though I don't know anyone there.

"I told you not to go back."

Hindi siya natuloy bumisita sa Pilipinas kaya sobra sa isang taon na rin kaming hindi nagkikita ni Valerie. I spoke to her on the phone as I balanced the glass of red wine on my knee.

"Hindi naman puwede na hindi ako umuwi, Val. Sabi ko naman sa'yo... besides, tapos na 'yun."

"Ang sabi mo you have loose ends to tie. Honestly, love, looks like you're even more tied up to that place."

I frowned and focused on the wine splashing a bit inside the glass. Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako. Kayang- kaya niyang basahin ang mood ko kaya hindi na ako nagsalita pa.

"May iniwan ka ba do'n? Henry?" she probed. I hadn't said anything about me and Renz but she surely knows something because Renz and I stayed at her aunt's rest house.

"Si Renz..."

"Mon Dieu, Lena! If you like that guy, I don't know what's stopping you. Just be with him. Screw his mom! "

I can't see her but I can clearly imagine her throwing a hand in the air, exasperated with me. I had not told her about me and Renz being cousins. I was ashamed of what we had done, and though Valerie may be as liberated as the next French girl, I'm sure she'd be horrified at the least bit suggestion of incest. Sino ba naman ang hindi kikilabutan? Kahit sino, 'yon ang unang magiging reaksyon.

"It's not as simple as that."

"Actually, it is. Anyway, I told you my brother is interested if you are but clearly, you're not. That Henry fellow seems promising as well but you told me ayaw mo rin sa kaniya. Tell me, love, etes-vous lesbienne? 'Cause you know, I'm not gonna judge!" (French for "Are you a lesbian?")

I laughed a little and sipped on my wine again.

"You know, my aunt mentioned the caretaker said you and your husband stayed on that island for a few days by yourselves."

She was clearly curious why I had claimed Renz and I were married.

"Two days. It's a long story, Val. I don't really care to talk about it right now. Kapag nagkita na lang tayo," I said and stood up.

"Sorry, love. Just remember, I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk. Sorry for keeping you up. You do need to rest. You sound positively ready to drop."

She's right.

The flight from Manila to Cebu only took an hour and a half. After I arrived, it took me another four hours to look for and get settled in the apartment. I had managed to sleep for a couple of hours before calling Valerie but before that I had to go out and buy clothes since I left mine with Renz.

I showered quickly and changed to comfortable clothes. I realized I hadn't eaten yet but luckily, I did buy some food supplies along with the bottle of wine from a grocery store near the apartment.

The cup noodles and toast only took ten minutes to prepare and another ten to eat, but I felt so exhausted that when I got back to bed, I was already sporting a mild headache.

Ang problema, hindi rin ako makatulog agad. Masyadong aktibo ang utak ko sa kaiisip kay Renz.

Hinahanap pa rin ba niya ako sa oras na ito? Nasa hotel na ba siya? Ayos lang kaya siya?

Nakahiga na ako at nakapikit pero hindi pa rin makaidlip. I could still remember the fullness of having him inside me and I began to grow hot at the thought. Stupid. Tanga na, makasalanan pa.

Pero wala na akong pakialam. Walang iba na nakakaalam, kaming dalawa lang. Alam ko na hindi na kami magkikita dahil wala na akong balak pa na magpakita sa kaniya. Pero kahit ano'ng mangyari, walang makakaalis ng alaala niya sa'kin. Puwede naman 'yon 'di ba? Kahit... kahit sa isip ko na lang mananatili kaming magkasama.

"Nobody else needs to know," I whispered to myself amidst tears as sleep slowly pulled me and gave me relief.

🌿

It did not take very long for me to find a job in a four-star hotel. The first couple of months, I assisted the head pâtissier, Monsieur Archambault. Pero pinili niya na magpalipat sa Maynila kaya wala pa akong tatlong buwan sa Cebu, na-promote na ako. I bet it was my credentials more than my skills that got me the position, but I am not bothered. What I lacked in experience, I made up for in determination and diligence. Plus, working long hours made me forget about Renz. Almost.

Eventually, I took the courage to call the mansion. I called at lunch time when I knew only the household help are around.

"Nang Sol, kumusta na?" I stood nervously inside the telephone booth.

"'Day, ikaw ba 'to? Nasaan ka na ba? Kamusta ka na?" her tone scolded me but it was clear she was glad I called.

"Okay lang po ako. Mangungumusta po sana ako. Si... I mean, ang plantasyon kumusta po?"

"Nako 'day, mula nang umalis si Señorito, si Ma'am Cosette at Sir Henry na ang namamahala."

"Ha? Wala po riyan si Renz?"

"Nang umalis ka ng isla, hindi na rin bumalik si Señorito rito. Naaawa nga ako kay Ma'am Cosette. Alam mo naman supladita rin 'yon pag may sumpong. Pero ang lungkot niya nang umalis si Sir. Bakit ba kasi kayo nagtanan?"

I massaged my temple, already feeling the beginnings of a migraine.

"'Day, alam mo ba kung-" Nang Sol was cut mid sentence and another voice took over.

"Lena! Utang na loob pabalikin mo rito ang anak ko! Hindi pa ba sapat ang gulo na dinulot mo? Hindi ka ba naaawa sa'kin? Ibalik mo ang anak ko!"

"Tita, hindi po kami magkasama ni Renz. Nasa Maynila po siya."

I knew nothing I could say would abate her anger but I want to help her look for him. Neither she nor the plantation deserved to be abandoned. It was not fair either that Renz has to stay away from the land he loved. This is not how I planned everything to go when I chose to give him up.

By the time I got off the phone with her, Tita Cosette was already weeping and hurling even more accusations at me. I brushed it off as much as I could, reminding myself she is suffering. Kasalanan ko rin kaya hindi ako dapat masaktan.

A week later, I dialed Albert's number in Tarlac. Kung hindi ako tinulungan ng isang kasama ko sa trabaho na may kapatid sa Pampangga, hindi ko pa malalaman ang numero ni Albert. Mabuti at tanyag ang pamilya nito sa kanila kaya nakahanap din kami ng impormasyon kung paano siya matatawagan.

I was disappointed when the maid told me Renz was out with Albert and his sister. Baka naman nire-reto siya ng kaibigan niya do'n...

It was seven in the evening when I finally got hold of him on the phone. I sat inside my small office, looking out at the Cebu night sky. Somewhere in Tarlac, he's under the same sky.

"Hello? Nasaan ka?" his voice sounded calm but I could sense his anger.

"Hindi na importante 'yon, Renz. Umuwi ka na sa Guimaras. Kailangan ka nila do'n."

"Lena, nasaan ka?"

Alam ko na pilit niyang pinapakalma ang sarili. However, his desperation only mirrored my own and it washed over me and awakened the suppressed longing I have for him. The only thing I could do was hang up because I was on the verge of telling him to get me from Cebu.