"Even though we're going through it, and it makes you feel alone. Just know that I would die for you." -Die for you, by The Weeknd

Thursday, June 13th, 2013

9:20 PM

My turn signals kept making ticking noises as I switched from one lane to the other. I was maneuvering through the jam-packed crowd, driving around without an itinerary.

The weather was so un-June-like, especially for California. The moon hid behind the squashed clouds, contributing to the gloomy night, and the sky was filled with angry clouds releasing drizzle, tinting the city grey.

My windshield wiper kept squeaking as it went left to right, attempting to clean the raindrops from my window. My heart kept leaping and whirling behind my ribcage like a prisoner struggling to break out, and my fisted hand pounded on my sternum, trying to ease the pain.

My tears had dried long ago, but my face was still damp. Despite the rain, it was a humid summer night and sweat was leaking through my pores.

My phone kept vibrating as I drove around, Noah clogging my line incessantly. I figured as much. He sounded miserable when we hung up. He couldn't even finish his sentences. But so was I. I was also subdued; I was also miserably upset with the sudden turn of events.

I wasn't trying to ignore his calls; I just wanted some space to calm myself down. I had to bid him goodbye before I cried my eyes out in his presence and made him feel worse. I was hit with so many emotions all at once that I didn't even know exactly what I was feeling. Was I mad I had my hopes up? Was I angry at myself for lying to my parents? Was I even mad? Was I mad I wasn't mad?

All I knew was that I wasn't mad at Noah. God, no. I could never be upset with him for doing the most responsible thing. As bad as the night had turned, him making that last-minute decision ultimately ended up being what was best for both of us.

Truth be told, the fact that he had put his family and his job first made me admire him a little more. Noah was a hardworking, ambitious man, who never looked down on certain jobs and never took opportunities for granted. He worked day and night tirelessly, never once complaining and always striving for success. What son of a wealthy man worked at an auto repair shop and a run-down bar? Exactly.

Noah was also loyal to a fault. He respected his family and had told me on many occasions how thankful he was to them for providing him with such a good life. He often felt like he owed them for it. He was reliable and didn't like letting people down. I could only imagine how hard it must have been for him to not board that plane.

Those were the qualities of his I loved so much. How could I be mad that he stayed true to himself? I would've judged him had he put a girl he had known for less than four months before his family and future.

And besides, wouldn't it be hypocritical of me if I expected him to give up what he's worked for his entire life to just come and see me? Albeit, I lied to my parents and prioritized him over them; I was essentially putting my school first, wasn't I? I could skip some classes and go see him if I wanted to. I could, but I wouldn't because I have worked so hard to come this far and I wouldn't compromise my hard work for anyone, not even Noah. How can I expect him to do something I wouldn't do? How can I be mad at him for doing the right thing?

"Calm the freak down!" I yelled, putting my hand up in frustration when the angry man in the car beside me blew his horn. Glancing through the side mirror, I made my way to the right lane, cutting him off. The man threw his hand out the window and flipped me off, beeping at me one last time. Rightfully so, I was being a reckless driver.

...

11:41 PM

After hours of roaming around the city with no destination, I found myself parked in my apartment's surface parking lot. My famished body was feeble and quivering. I was patiently waiting for a sudden surge of adrenaline to overcome my body and help me get out of my car.

The rain had subsided, and the color of the city was slowly coming back. I drove all night in the rain trying to clear my head but, my head felt fuzzier than ever.

A knock on my window pulled me out of my trance, startling me to death. Jerking, I snapped my head to my left and was met with a familiar pair of prying blue eyes. Letting out a breath of relief, I rolled my window all the way down.

"Hey Nick." I spoke. My voice lacked enthusiasm.

Nick inhaled one big swig from his joint and walked backward with his eyes fixed on me. "Hey, princess." He whispered as he kept the inhaled smoke captive in his lungs.

He dropped what was left of the minute burning joint to the ground and crushed it with his foot. Walking back to my car, he leaned down, gripping the roof with his hands and caging me in.

"Mmm, smells nice in here. Very vanilla-ey." He said, leaning his head in and blowing smoke in my face.

His weed breath fanned my skin, and I scrunched my nose in disgust. "Uh," I placed my hand on his chest and pushed him away, "personal space, Nick."

He frowned. "You never called me."

Tilting my head to the side, I gave him a baffled look. "I never said I'd call you."

"Ah," He said, pointing what seemed like a finger gun at me, "feisty, just like I remember."

He was stoned out of his mind. His eyes were bloodshot, and he seemed relaxed-too relaxed. My mouth must have tilted a little and given small smile, I wasn't sure. My muscles were worn out and numb. I had close to zero control over them.

"There ya go, there's the smile I've missed so much."

My phone vibrated, stopping me mid-eye roll. Nick leaned further in, getting all up on my face, trying to catch a glimpse of the caller as my phone lit up. That Nick, ever so officious, ever so nosey. He studied my appearance and frowned.

"Have you been crying, princess?"

"Would you stop calling me that?" I said, revulsed by the pet-name. "What are you doing here, anyway?" I said, averting my gaze and deflecting the question. He didn't live in the neighborhood; in fact, he didn't live anywhere near where I lived, and running into him was a bit unexpected.

"Why? You're not happy to see me?" he tucked loose hair behind my ear. His fingers dawdled, cupping my neck, and I shimmied away, trying to get him to let go.

Gathering my stuff from the back seat, I pushed open my door and picked my phone up from the center console. I didn't miss the glut of notifications that had bombarded my phone screen, alerting me to see the countless calls I had missed, rather intentionally.

Nick backed away a little and held the car door open for me. I didn't dignify his question with a response. I simply locked my car and walked away. He trailed behind me and nudged my backpack, sliding it from my shoulders and carrying it for me. I was too tired to protest his blatant, yet thoughtful gesture.

Looking down at me, he gave me a small reassuring smile and silently walked next to me until we reached the elevator to my unit. He pressed the button and stood casually, with his hands tucked in his pockets, glancing at me every once in a while. Sort of like he was making sure I was okay.

"What are you doing?" I asked, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. It was late and there wasn't a single person out in the hallway except for him and me. I didn't even know the guy that much. We had only ever hung out once for like a few hours. What was he doing following me around? Besides, he was high as a kite and his judgment was probably clouded.

"Walking you home, duh." He sing-songed, nudging his shoulder into mine. Sighing, I stepped inside the elevator and held my hand out to get my backpack back. "Nah, not yet." He said, shooing my hands away.

Rosie had been staying at her boyfriend's place since before we finished finals. The thought of walking to an empty apartment with Nick felt like a trap. My head was spinning and anxiety was prickling my skin.

We stayed silent till we reached my floor and we walked to my door, our bodies slightly brushing. He pulled out my keys from my bag and handed them to me. I took them from his hand and reached to his shoulder to take back my bag while I was at it.

He stared at me as he slowly took my bag off his shoulder. While I didn't know the guy enough to decipher his facial expressions, I had a gut feeling that something was just... different. He didn't look dangerous, though. He looked sympathetic. Almost like he was sad for me.

"Well, thanks for walking me." I shifted awkwardly, fumbling with the door.

"You're welcome, Pri-" He stopped himself and cleared his throat dramatically. "You're welcome." He said, giving me a tight-lipped smile.

My front door got snatched open from the inside, startling both Nick and me. I clutched my chest and jumped backward, a strangled gasp leaving my mouth. Rosie's worried face came in to frame and I exhaled a breath of relief. "Jesus, Rosie. You almost gave me a heart attack!"

"Oh, thank God!" she breathed, her face visibly relaxing. Her neck was craned to one side, cradling her phone between her ear and shoulder. "She's okay. She's okay. She's here." She chanted as she circled me in a suffocating embrace.

"Group hug!" Chris cheered, popping his head out from behind Rosie and engulfing us in his massive body. Nick followed suit, and I found myself sandwiched between three people.

"What? What are you doing here? What's going on?" I managed to speak before Rosie took my hand and pulled me away from the door.

"Here, talk to her." Were the last words I heard before her phone was shoved into my ear.

"Uh," who? I mouthed before saying, "Hello?" In my most poised voice, the one I reserved for special occasions like college interviews.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Mer. Are you okay?" Noah's strained voice came through.

"Noah?" I looked at the phone, bringing it close to my eyes and examining it front to back, checking if it was mine. "How'd you get Rosie's number?"

"I googled her." His words came out rushed. "Mer, are you okay? Where have you been? Why didn't you answer your phone? I called you like a million times." He fired questions at me with his panic-stricken voice.

"Oh, sorry. I was just driving around."

Nick walked toward me and patted my back, muttering, "Bye, princess," loud enough to be heard through the phone. Before he walked out of our apartment, he lingered at the door and gave me a strange look that held so much pity behind it.

Wincing at the entire exchange, I waved goodbye to him and walked to my room, trying to finish my phone call in private.

The line was dead silent.

"Are you there?" I asked, looking at the phone, checking if the line was disconnected.

"I'm here, baby." His restrained voice wreaked havoc in me.

Noah was bruised. He carried trauma from his past relationship that instilled major trust issues in him. He was healing, and he was trying his best to be a better version of himself. He was far from perfect, but he always strived to be a better... friend to me. I wanted to be that to him, too. I knew where that head of his would go when he heard Nick's voice, and I wanted to ease his mind.

"I ran into Rosie's friend Nick at the parking lot a few minutes ago and he walked me in. That was him, that said Good night just now." I said, offering a detailed explanation.

I knew he wanted to ask about Nick. I knew he was paranoid and his head was going a million miles per hour. But the fact that he held himself back from asking me a question that might potentially anger me made my heart fill with so much appreciation and adoration for him. "Do you like, want to maybe call me on my phone? Rosie might need her phone."

He seemed to be satisfied with my answer because his voice softened. "Okay, pick up this time, Mer"

"Okay, bye."

Seconds later, as I was walking to the living room to give Rosie her phone back, my phone started vibrating. I fished it out of my back pocket and answered. It was a FaceTime call, and I grimaced when I saw my face through the screen.

"Hey," I said as I brushed my frizzy hair to the back with my free hand. My swollen eyes were accentuated with black smudges of run-down mascara and my cheeks were flushed from hours of crying. I looked hideous, but he looked even worse. There were bags under his eyes, and it was evident that he was tired and sad. I hated seeing him sad.

Smiling at me tenderly, he said, "Hey" In a small, dreary voice. His eyes searched my face, taking in my disheveled form, and he swallowed hard, self-accusation consuming his features.

I could pinpoint the exact moment his heart cracked because that was the exact moment my heart was mended.

While Noah looked at me and saw agony and woe written on my face; I saw concern and contrition written on his. While his face darkened with an immense amount of guilt for letting me down; my face lightened with the realization that he loved me so much that he hurt when I hurt.

The aggressive growl my stomach let out interrupted the stretch of silence that had come between us. No words were exchanged for a matter of seconds, maybe a minute, but so much had been communicated with just our eyes.

"What's up?" I said, the awkward silence making me a tad bit uncomfortable.

"I was worried sick about you, baby." He said, blinking fast. "I can't even explain to you how relieved I am to see you."

"I'm sorry I made you worry, Noah. I was just driving around."

"For four hours, Mer? In the rain? While avoiding my calls? What were you thinking?" his voice was strained with agony. "I'm so sorry, Mer. I really am. But fuck, don't do this to me."

I walked to my bed and sat on the edge. Swallowing back tears, I nodded. "I'm sorry. I just, I- I needed some space." And I truly needed some space.

"I get it, baby." He sighed, running his hand over his face. He did that whenever he was overwrought. "It's okay. I'm just glad that you're fine."

His eyes glimmered as he spoke again. "I really am sorry."

"For what?"

"For not coming."

The thing with Noah Thompson was, he had me in a chokehold. He owned me in many ways he didn't even know. He didn't know that, but his apology wasn't necessary, since I wasn't even upset with him. But even if I were, just the look in his eyes would've absolved him.

"Oh. It's okay. I completely understand. Family comes first." I brushed it off, needing to free him from his guilt.

His eyes flickered, and he exhaled loudly. "See, I don't think you get it."

"I do, Noah. I get it. In fact, my respect for you had sky rocketed after that."

"May,"

"No, I'm being serious. I'm not going to lie to you. I am bummed out. I wanted to see you so bad and I... you know, got a little emotional when you, uh, when you didn't come. But the fact that your family comes first to you makes me see you in a different light, Noah. And I really am happy for you for getting your job back. I know how much you've worked for it."

"Mer, you don't get it at all." He was insistent. "If you think I chose my family over you, you couldn't have been more wrong. That wasn't even the case."

"Then what was the case, Noah?" I inquired matter-of-factly. God, I hoped I was wrong. I had never wanted to be wrong so badly in my life. I desperately wanted him to tell me how wrong I was. I needed him to rub it on my face; to taunt me. To point his fingers at me and sing, nana nana na, you're wrong and I'm right. I chose no one before you; you come first in my life. In fact, I was joking when I told you I didn't come. I'm right here, under your bed. Peek a boo.

Rubbing the back of his neck, Noah spoke earnestly. "Remember when I told you my dad was expanding his stores to different locations?"

I nodded.

"Well, when he offered to hire me back today, I told him I was only going to work for him if he transferred me to the L.A. branch." He said, shifting in his seat.

Thump. That's the only way I could explain how my body reacted when I heard that sentence. I felt like something in my body popped, or burst, or blew. I was betting it was my resolve. It didn't stand a chance where Noah was involved. It shattered to the ground time and time again.

"I didn't know you had a branch here." I said, silently begging him to expound his statement with my imploring eyes.

"Not yet." He shook his head. "We have already signed with the investors and picked out a spot. But it won't be ready till January."

"I don't get this, Noah. Can you like dumb it down a little for me?"

He threw his head back and laughed one of his carefree laughs. I smiled in return, finally being able to breathe. The awkward, thick air between us, clearing.

"Okay. So, when my dad hired me back-"

"'Effective immediately.'" I interposed, rolling my eyes.

"Effective immediately." He repeated as his chest shook with silent laughter, "he said he was giving me a trial period. And when that trial period ends, I'd be transferred to the L.A. branch."

"Are you serious?"

"Dead serious." Noah went quiet and so did I. I was tongue-tied.

He appeared pensive for a moment before he stood from his seat and started walking around. "I want to be close to you, May." His tone was calm; his gaze tranquil. "I miss you so much every single day. It fucking sucks being this far away from you."

He sat on his bed and made sure to look me in the eye as he spoke his next words. "I want to find a permanent fix to our situation. I want us to be together- I need us to be together. You've become such a huge part of my life and I've become so attached to you. Too attached that sometimes it's so fucking scary."

My heart was plummeting. Hearing him use words like us and permanent made me giddy, to the point of passing out. I clutched my comforter until my knuckles turned white and kept listening.

"I could've declined the job offer and boarded the plane; I could've said fuck it and came to you. And a part of me regrets not doing so. But I don't think I could come back to Jersey after getting to spend time with you, May. Not when I know I could come to you for good if I stuck around here for just a little while. And you know I'd have to come back here. I'd have to say goodbye to you and come back here and wait until one of us is able to visit. It was never about putting my job or my family first. It was about thinking about our future." His eyes glimmered with awe and I looked away, unable to hold his gaze. No one had ever looked at me like that before.

"What about college?" I asked, concerned about his future.

"I've already applied for a transfer. I'm waiting to hear back from them."

"Oh, Noah." My eyes welled with tears.

"May, when I tell you I love you. I really mean it. I'm not playing with you. How I feel about you is beyond words. I know it's hard to ask you this, but please, don't question my actions. I am willing to go to hell and back to have you and keep you."

"I don't know what to say, Noah. I just, my feelings for you are real too. I've never felt this strongly about someone before. I was just looking forward to see you and-"

"I know, baby. And I feel like shit for letting you down. I have regretted my decision since I got off on the phone with you. I don't want to make you sad, May. I'll take the next flight, I'll come see you tomorrow." He looked very solemn, his eyes twinkling with candor.

"Don't be ridiculous, Noah." I admonished.

"I swear I will do it!" he exclaimed. His ambivalence was clear in his eyes. He loved me, but he also loved his job. His lips said one thing, but his eyes said another. At that moment, I understood him. I understood Noah more than he could imagine. I was tending the same dilemma- my school versus him, my parents versus him, my time versus him.

"No need to do that, Noah. I completely understand where you were coming from when you made that decision. And I'm sorry for getting emotional and not letting you explain earlier. But Noah, next time you make decisions for us, let me in. Ask me what I think before you decide on it on your own. It's only fair you consult me, seeing as I'm half of the equation. If there's going to be a we and an us, then we both should be involved in the deciding process, don't you think?"

A remorseful look tinted his face as he finally got the point. He nodded apologetically. "I get it. We should've made that decision together. I'm sorry. Just don't be mad at me, May. Please, don't shut me out. I want to work through things with you. I want to fix this with you. I love you."

"I won't shut you out." I smiled, "let's work on our communication skills."

Noah and I stayed on the phone for the rest of the night. We washed our faces, brushed our teeth, changed into our pajamas- his pajamas comprised just his boxer shorts-, and got ready for bed together.

Everything stopped when he called me. The hurricane of emotions that riled my body up evaporated into thin air. He knew me like the back of his hand and knew very well which words to use to calm me down. We will work this out, baby. I was thinking about our future, Mer. I need to be with you, May. I hung onto his every word and was no longer dubious about where I stood in his life.

Call me naïve, but I wholeheartedly gave credence to his words.

We were smiling and giggling until our muscles strained, the godawful day we had long forgotten. His beautiful words wiped away the tears that had soaked my face. My heavy heart felt heavier, but with so much love for him.

I didn't know hearts could grow in size non-pathologically, but I could feel mine pushing on my ribcage.

"Noah?" I whispered as we were drifting to sleep. I was lying on my side with my laptop set sideways in front of me. We had switched to our computers when my phone's battery died.

"Hmm?" he hummed in his sleepy voice.

"I like you so, so much. Too much. In fact, I don't know if like is a fitting word anymore."

He looked very serene as he smiled with his eyes closed and spoke in a throaty voice. "Mmm, I wonder if there is a four-letter word specifically for that..."

"One of these days, I'll be brave enough to look you in the eyes and say that word to you, just you wait. But until then, know that you're the only person in the world I've ever liked this way. Right now, you're my most favorite person and I care for you. I want to be with you, too. I will work on myself and I'll communicate my feelings better. We're going to work this out."

"Take as much time as you need, baby. But in the meantime, I'll do the loving for the both of us."

Shortly after that, we succumbed to sleep. We both had a long day. We were exhausted, both physically and emotionally.

...

I woke up gasping for air.

Something was draped over my neck, cutting off my air supply. My lower limbs were crushed by a heavyweight, and a loud, hoarse sound was coming from beside me. I blinked my eyes open and turned to my side, taking a sharp inhale of air.

Rosie was sprawled out next to me, looking like a starfish, taking up the whole space in my bed. I was all the way on the edge, holding onto the fitted sheet for dear life.

I summoned all the residual air inside my lungs and wheezed Rosie's name. "Rosie?"

She just tossed and turned, smacking me on the face in the process. "Oh my God, Rosie!" I whisper-yelled, mustering all my energy and pushing her away. "Get off of me!"

She startled and lurched, sitting up abruptly. "What? Who? Where?" she howled, disoriented. Turning to me, she let out a relieved breath and pulled me into her, spooning me. No, crushing me. My back was glued to her warm chest.

"What's going on, Rosie girl?"

"Nothing. I just missed you." She snuggled close.

I reached over and patted her face awkwardly. "Missed you, too."

I wasn't a very touchy-feely person. It was incredibly hard for me to show affection to the people I loved in a conventional way. It was something I struggled with growing up, and I hadn't figured out a way around it. I had an extreme aversion to admitting vulnerability, and I tried my best to never put myself in emotional situations where vulnerability was required of me. But you can't protect yourself from good people, and that's what Rosie was to me. A good person. The best person.

When we first met, Rosie thought I was the strangest person alive. She looked at me like I was an alien that escaped from a spaceship. She didn't hold back from telling me that either. Oh, no, she didn't. She made it known how weird she thought I was every chance she got. But, as we got to know each other more, she started getting it; she started getting me. She understood my small gestures and allowed me to love her my way.

"What the hell happened last night, anyway?" She asked, getting a hold of my hand and squeezing it reassuringly.

My body tensed, remembering the other night and everything that went down. I sat up, pulling my leg to my chest and hugging my knees as my body shook in turmoil. My stomach howled, either at the mention of the previous night or for lack of food.

"I mean, I gave him a piece of my mind for standing you up last night, but why didn't he come?" She continued, looking very displeased by Noah's no-show.

"His dad hired him back eff-, pronto." I said, redeeming myself from repeating those dreadful words. Effective immediately, my new least favorite phrase.

She looked at me curiously. "So, he ditched you for work?"

"Kind of." I scoffed. "Well, no, not really."

"Which one is it? Because he's hanging by a thread here. Do we hate him or no?"

Laughing, I began explaining to her, reciting everything he had told me the other night, not leaving a single thing out.

"Wow." she breathed, smiling at me kindly. "This Noah guy is one hell of a ride. Doesn't he give you whiplash? Hell, he gives me whiplash."

"He is a pain in the butt." I chuckled.

"He literally almost gave me a heart attack last night. He blew up my phone with notifications, sending me a billion DMs on Instagram. He does not quit. Oh my God."

"He did?" I asked, amused by his tenacity.

"Yeah, girl." She ran her hand over the bed, looking for her phone. "He was so dramatic. He made it seem like you were kidnapped the way he made us rush to the apartment." She realized that her phone was in her room. Giving up her search, she brought her hands under the pillow, resting her head on them.

I gave her a confused look, and she explained. "We were hanging out at Chris' place when your man texted asking if I had seen you. When I told him no, he sent me a frantic text saying that you weren't answering his calls, and that you were upset and driving in the rain the last time he talked to you."

She continued speaking through her smile. "He basically ordered me to go and check if you were at our apartment. So, I just gave him my number and Chris drove me here while I talked to Noah on the phone and Nick followed us." She scooted up and sat on the bed, with her back on the headboard and her legs crossed.

"Oh, and get this," Rosie said, enthusiastically waving her hand my way. "Nick was so fucking livid, girl. That guy has it bad for you."

Whoa! "What are you talking about?" I asked with wide eyes.

"He was going crazy about how your boyfriend was an ass, and how you deserved better, bluh, bluh, bluh. I don't know. He was acting wild."

"He was probably just high." I brushed it off as my intestines danced and entwined themselves.

She snorted, "Nope, he likes you and you know it. Anyway, that's when I yelled at your man for bailing on you. He kept saying that something came up and that he had no choice and Nick kept cussing him out. It was a whole mess.

"When we got home, and you weren't there, Noah insisted that we call 911, but Chris calmed him down and Nick got out to look for you. He drove around for hours and I guess that's when you ran into him, when he got back from looking for you."

I hadn't known any of the things she was telling me, and everything about the previous night started making sense. Why Rosie was at the apartment, why Nick was looking at me like I was going to fall apart any second, and why Noah didn't ask me who Nick was.

"It was one hell of a night, Rosie. I can't even explain to you how drained I am. I'm just so spent. Noah, he came into my life and just... rearranged everything. I just feel like I have no control over my life anymore. He does something swoon worthy; I die in awe. He doesn't call me; I shatter. He says he loves me; I believe him. He messes up; I break down. He apologizes; I get back up. My world suddenly revolves around him and it's so freaking exhausting. And sometimes, I fear that I care for him more than he cares for me and man, that scares me so, so much."

"Robbie, baby. Protect yourself. Always be prepared for the worst because you never know with these men. But that man, he loves you to the Gods."

"You really think so?"

"I do. So does Chris and so does Nick. Robbs, we literally had to remind him you were a grown woman who could drive. He made it seem like you not picking your phone up and driving in the rain was the end of the world. He wouldn't calm the fuck down. He is whipped."

The doorbell rang, interrupting our conversation and giving me time to mull over Rosie's words. She was in the middle of demonstrating the whipping she was talking about by moving her hand up and down and making a strange sound.

"I'll get it." she ruffled my hair and walked out of my room. The idea of Noah being whipped got my body riled up. Him saying he loved me was one thing, but other people noticing? Way to boost my ego.

A minute or so later, Rosie came back to my room hugging an enormous flower arrangement that covered her entire face. She hummed knowingly and left my room after setting it on my nightstand and spitting an, I told you so, disguised with a cough.

I already knew who they were from, and I just handpicked the piece of folded paper hidden between the flowers and began unfolding it. I didn't even look at the flowers; I couldn't even look at the flowers. Bracing myself, I started reading the letter; it was lengthier than usual.

To my precious girl, Mer.

I messed up, didn't I? I messed up so bad.

I keep messing up. I keep making you cry. I keep letting you down and disappointing you. No matter what my intentions are, the night always ends with your tears, doesn't it?

Well, I hope you know that that's not what you deserve, May. You don't deserve to be let down or disappointed. Your beautiful eyes don't deserve to shed a tear. Your time doesn't deserve to be taken advantage of.

I wish I could take last night back. I wish I could undo it all. Seeing someone you love cry is painful on its own, but knowing that you are the one that made them cry? That hurts the worst. It is unbearable.

You have been a light in my darkest days, Mer. You have brought me so much joy in the short time we've known each other. You've made my mornings sunnier and my nights full of stars. That's all I've ever wanted to be to you. I only ever wanted to be the flashlight in your life as you are in mine.

But I've become anything but.

I apologize for not coming. I'm sorry for making you sad- for making you cry. I would take it all back, May. I would take every single thing I ever did that made your smile crack, let alone cry. I never want you to lose your smile, never because of me.

I truly believed that I was doing the right thing by accepting the job offer. I truly believed I was doing it for our future. But as the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20 and I get it now. My reckless decision last night made you sad, which in turn made me sadder.

I hate that you think I chose my work before you, my parents before you. Although it's far from the truth, I hate that I made you feel that way. At the end of the day, I did choose to not board the flight, but Mer, that doesn't mean I don't care for you. Because I do. I love you to no end.

I am sorry, baby. Having you upset is the very last place I want to be. I promise to try my best to change. I'm sure you're fed up with my apologies by now, but they're all I have. I can't promise you that I'll never mess up. I'm only a human, the most flawed one at that. But I can promise you that I'll always love you and treat you right. I can promise you that I'll always learn from my mistakes and try to become half the man you deserve.

I know you're better off without me. I know you can do better. But I am too selfish to let you go. I just found you, May.

I am sorry. I love you.

Noah

I folded the paper neatly and added it to my collection of letters from Noah, the first drawer on my left nightstand. I was moved by his words, and his apology sounded authentic. But I didn't tear up; I had no tears left to cry. I didn't call to tell him I forgave him; I wasn't even upset at him. I didn't smell the flowers, nor did I look at them, because I didn't need a bouquet. I yearned for him; I needed him.

...

a/n Hi besties! Hope you're having a great Monday! So, this is chapter eight. Our guy did mess up big last chapter, did he absolve himself in this chapter? Or does he need to grovel more? May seems to have forgiven him but IDK if you guys are as forbearing as her. 😬

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. As always, I would appreciate it if you vote, comment, and share. Thank you for coming back every Monday to read my story! I appreciate each and every one of you! 💕

I may or may not have a surprise for you this week. A bonus chapter may or may not be posted on Christmas Day. I don't know. lol🤪

I'd like to dedicate this chapter toIgitsMum Thank you, bestie!

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