"In another life, I would make you stay. So, I don't have to say you were the one that got away." The one that got away by Katy Perry.

August 31st, 2020

It was a Tuesday morning, and I was in the middle of a well-deserved self-care day. Sitting in a lotus position on a turquoise yoga mat in front of my wide window, I was picturing a coin sitting above my navel, rising and falling with each breath I drew in and out. Keeping the image in my head, I recited my healing mantra out loud.

"I release my past and forgive myself. Everything I need to heal is within me. I surrender my worries to the universe."

Finishing my meditation session, I stretched my body, rolled my matt, tucked it under my arm, and made my way to my bathroom. Having been lathered in a carbonated gray bubble clay mask for ten minutes, my face was rejuvenated and ready to be rinsed.

Ditching the mat in the bathroom cabinet, I stood in front of the sink and turned on the faucet. I stared at my reflection in the mirror as I let the water run over my fingers until it turned lukewarm. My stomach rumbled, reminding me it was time for breakfast.

I washed my face, moisturized, ran a comb through my hair, and went to my kitchen. As I was examining my fridge's contents, my phone vibrated from where it sat on my kitchen counter. Stretching my hand to grab my phone, I paused my scrutiny and glanced at the caller.

An incoming call from an unsaved number greeted me.

Sliding the green icon, "Hello?" I said as I averted my gaze back to the refrigerator.

"Uh, hello? Can I speak to May?"

"This is she." I grabbed the milk and roamed my eyes over the carton, looking for the expiration date.

"May Van de Kamp, you're a hard person to get a hold of." A gruff voice came through.

Best before July 27th. "Uh, may I ask who this is?"

He huffed, more like wheezed, unflatteringly. "It's the other Thompson," there was a chuckle, "Zach Thompson." He clarified when I went silent.

My hand stilled; the milk stayed suspended in the air.

"You there, Van de Kamp?"

"Hi, Zach."

"Hey, Stranger. How are you? Damn, how long has it been since middle school? Ten? Eleven years?"

"Uh, what's up?" I said, refusing to dignify his question with an answer. Slowly placing the milk back in the fridge, I walked back to the couch and sat down, bracing myself for what was to come.

"Wow, you do not sound happy to hear from me." He laughed.

"What gave that away?"

"Ouch!" He feigned shock. "I come with peace, May."

"Get to the point, Zach."

"I'm getting to it... I uh, can we meet?"

"No."

"May-"

"Why would I want to meet with you?"

"Because there's something that I really need to show you."

After taking a few seconds to munch over his words, "Does it have anything to do with Noah?" I replied.

"Yes."

"Then no, Zach. I don't want to see it."

"May, I really think you want to. Believe me."

"Believe you?" I scoffed, "You might've succeeded in brain washing Noah, but I know you for who you are Zach. So, stop the act and cut to the chase. You have five seconds."

"There's no chase here. I'm just looking out for you guys. Him and... you."

Rolling my eyes, I snorted. "I can't tell if you have a ticking aneurism or if you're just always this devious. But whatever, that's your problem. I just need you to stop. Stop now while all your dignity is intact. Stop, hang up, and never call me again. You don't want me to dislike you more than I already do. And you sure as hell don't want to try me."

"Now, now. Let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Keep your hormones down and let's have a civil conversation. No need to be immature."

"I'm not interested in a conversation with you."

"Don't be like that, May. Don't be stubborn."

"I don't trust you, Zach. Never have, never will."

"Fair enough. But I truly am looking out for you. Hear me out." He sighed in resignation. "There is something that both you and Noah need to know. I think it's really important that you do."

"You're unbelievable. Goodbye, Zach."

"I'm not the bad guy you think I am, May."

"You are. You are the bad guy indeed. You lied to him. You played him like a fucking violin for seven years, for fuck's sake. You kept secrets from him. You conspired with Ava and played your little brother. You kept him away from me. You're not just the bad guy, you're the worst fucking person on earth."

"And I'm trying to make it right, May. If you could just meet me for five minutes, you'd fucking understand."

"I don't want to understand. I don't want to give you time of day, you asshole. This weird infatuation you have with Noah's life and everything in it is pathetic. It's so pathetic, it makes me sad for you. I love Noah enough to respect him and his family. But I also love him enough to cuss out anyone who has it out for him. So, Fuck you, Zach. Fuck you for everything you did."

I disconnected the call and stared at the blank screen on my phone in my trembling hand. Seconds later, it lit up with a text from the same number.

Meet me at the Starbucks near your place at 4:30 PM.

Still sitting on my couch, I waited for my thumping heart to calm down. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. I breathed in and breathed out. But the high I was riding didn't have a low. I was exuberant. I finally confronted Zach. I said what I had always wanted to say to him—since the day Noah told me he slept with his girlfriend. That he was an asshole.

I walked back to the refrigerator, glancing at my watch. 10:45 AM. Leaving the milk, I took some ice out and dumped it in a bowl. I filled the bowl with water walked to my bathroom. Placing it on the counter, I pulled my hair up and dipped my head in it. Holding my breath, I waited until it calmed me down—until I came down from my high.

I waited for my heart rate to slow down. I waited for my body to relax, muscle by muscle. I remembered my therapist making me do this exercise years ago. It helped then, and it was helping now. I repeatedly dunked my head under the ice water for a couple of seconds, then rose to get some air. I did it four times until most of my excited nerves calmed down.

I drank my breakfast smoothie. I did my laundry.

I ate my lunch. I read some articles on the new Vaccine.

4:30 came. I changed my clothes and left my house.

I walked to the Starbucks just a few blocks down my apartment. I stood at the entrance and counted to three.

I pushed the door and walked in. I smiled at the barista from behind my mask and paced to the corner where Zach sat. I spotted Noah next to Zach. My heart fluttered. But what else was new?

I told myself that I was a strong, independent woman who had her emotions in control, and joined them.

"Hi." I smiled at Noah and took off my mask, intentionally ignoring Zach's eyes. I sat on the chair Noah had pulled for me and stared at my favorite Frappuccino, sitting right in front of me. My lips stretched in a strained smile as I tore the white and green paper and fished out my straw.

Noah and I had said goodbye weeks ago, yet there we were, saying hello once again.

We were the only people inside the café, aside from the baristas. We sat in the corner by the glass window. It was awkward. No amount of small talk could ease the tension. Zach refused to look me in the eye. Noah refused to talk to Zach. I refused to quit slurping my drink.

Zach took his phone out of his pocket and sighed. "Look, there's no easier way to say this, so I'll just say it as it is." He looked at Noah and swallowed hard. "I lied to you. I kept things from you. I wasn't a very good brother to you."

I scoffed as I absently stirred my drink.

"What's done has been done and I can only apologize for it," Zach continued. "And I want to apologize... to you both. I am so sorry for the part I played in this whole thing. In keeping ya'll apart. I was only looking out for myself. To be honest, I didn't even know ya'll were a thing until Ava told me and even then, I didn't know you were that serious."

Zach took a long sip of his coffee and swallowed it slowly. "I know you don't remember this," he said, looking at Noah. "But the night of the accident, the police called me. I was your emergency contact. I know it's going to sound fucked up, but that's what drove me to do the things I did. The fact that you had me as your emergency contact regardless of our beef—our life long dispute. That and seeing you a minute away from death made me want to fix my relationship with you. Be a constant in your life, you know? Be the big brother you needed."

Noah was nodding, his face already lit up in forgiveness for his brother. That was Noah, forever forbearing, forever kind. I, on the other hand, was stabbing Zach with an imaginary sword. Punishing him for his sins with my eyes and cursing his existence.

"There are so many things you don't know." he said, looking at the both of us. "And I won't bother telling you everything because it's pointless now. But there's one thing I want you guys to hear. Noah's accident happened just as he left New Jersey and entered Philadelphia. He was admitted to a hospital in Philly and I was driving there when Ava called me, asking me if I had heard from him."

Zach turned his face to Noah, "Her mother had already passed before you made it, and she was calling you to tell you that. When you didn't pick up, she called me. I told her you were in an accident and that I was driving to you. After her mom's funeral, she booked a plane ticket and came to Philly to see you. By that time, you were in a coma."

My sugary drink tasted sour. My nervous system went into panic mode every time the word coma was uttered following Noah's name. I closed my eyes and shooed away the gruesome images of lifeless Noah haunting my mind. I took a few seconds to calm my internal chaos and turned my attention back to Zach's story.

"She took care of you," he was saying. "She stayed with you at the hospital. She cried for you every day. When you woke up from your coma, you called her baby and kissed her. You did that because the last thing you remembered was the beginning of your relationship with her. But she thought you forgave her and wanted to try again. When the doctor diagnosed you with retrograde amnesia, she was frantic. She thought you'd have your memory back and leave her. But the doctor told us that the likelihood of you remembering was slim to none because of your relatively long coma. With your leg amputated and your memory impaired, I thought her being by your side wasn't the worst idea. So, when she asked for you to be transferred to Virginia so that she could take care of you, Mom, dad, and me were happy to oblige."

"What is this, Zach? Why am I here? Why should I listen to this?" I asked, a little overwhelmed. Noah's eyes found mine over the table and glimmered with pity. But he looked as confused as I was.

"Ava asked me to erase everything that had to do with you from his phone," Zach said, looking at me carefully. "And I did. I deleted your pictures. I blocked you from contacting him. I had his phone wiped clean."

His eyes were back on Noah. "I wanted to mend my relationship with you. You and I never saw eye to eye on many things, but we were always brothers. What soiled our relationship beyond the point of repair was the one mistake I made when we were teenagers. I slept with Ava while you were dating... long before your accident. That was the only thing you never forgave me for. That was the only thing holding us back from being brothers again. And Ava felt the same way. We thought if we never remind you of what we did, we both could get you back in our lives. And we did."

I searched for Noah's face, expecting a wince, fleeting anger, disappointment, hurt... anything. But he stayed still, his posture stiff like a statue, his demeanor calm and collected.

"Your accident, your memory loss, gave me another chance with you. I became an uncle to Carmen. I was your best man at your wedding, and your best friend in life. It gave Ava another chance with you as well. She became your wife, the mother of your kids, the love of your life. And while I am very remorseful, I don't regret it."

"Okay, Zach. This is clearly a family matter that has nothing to do with me," I said, standing up from my chair. "It was nice seeing you again, Noah. But I'm going to leave now."

"Wait," Zach grabbed my hand, earning a scowl from Noah. "When I deleted everything from his phone, I came across something. Something addressed to you." He swallowed hard and let go of my hand. I took my seat.

"It was very difficult for me to unsee so I sent it to myself before I deleted it from his phone. I sat on it for all these years, but it weighed heavy on my conscience. I kept it because I knew one day I'd relent and do the right thing. Which is why I am going to give it back to you now." He slid his phone toward Noah.

Noah looked at the phone questioningly, with his thick eyebrows pinched together.

"The night of the accident," Zach said, "You were recording yourself. Your voice. It was a message for her, I assume." He looked at me. "I think you should listen to it."

Noah plugged an earpiece into the phone and gave me one earbud. Zach stood up from his chair. "I'm going to wait for you in my car. And May," he looked at me, so much repentance in his eyes, "I really am sorry for everything." He said as he walked away.

Noah and I glanced at each other, discomfort eating us alive. He hesitated for a while, his hands hovering over the file.

"Do you want me to listen to it?" I asked, suddenly aware that it could be a very personal recording.

"I don't know." Noah replied with a sigh.

"Do you want to listen to it first?"

"I don't know." He closed his eyes and muttered a curse. "What kind of shitty fate do you and I have?"

I smiled a sad smile and put my hand on top of his on the table. Our tattoos looked up at us, reminding us that once upon a time, we were on the other side. Thanking fate for bringing us together. Thanking the stars above for aligning for us to meet.

As if he read my mind, Noah ran his thumb over my hand while he looked into my eyes. "Let's listen to it together." He said as he tapped on the screen, opening the file, playing the recording.

The first few seconds were filled with the sound of passing cars and honking horns. Then a long sigh of breath accompanied by a soft "Fuck," came through. Noah and I looked at each other, eagerness evident on our faces. The voice continued.

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." There was a thump accentuating each fuck. I pictured a frustrated 20-year-old Noah punching the steering wheel as he cursed. "I am so angry at you right now, Mer. I am so fucking furious at you."

My heart stilled. I thought Noah's did too. Our labored breaths mingled as we gasped instantaneously at the mention of my name—who I used to be to him. Mer. My eyes immediately welled with tears. An old feeling—almost foreign roused my stomach. My hand was still clasping Noah's. But it was shaking. I was shaking. We were shaking.

"How could you give me an ultimatum?" The voice note went on, "How could you tell me I wouldn't have a girlfriend to come back to when you know how much I love you? How much I fucking love you!" Noah's eyes were on me, searching my face, studying my reaction, while listening to the passion in his own voice.

"I don't mind telling you that I love you a million times—until you believe me, Mer. But you said you needed me to show you, and honestly, I don't know if I could. Especially if that means doing the absolute wrong thing which I know we both will regret later. If I don't see Carmen, I will never get over the regret, Mer. And I might resent you for that. And if you don't let me go, I know that you'd feel so fucking guilty. And guilt and resentment drive people apart, baby. I don't want that to happen to us. I don't want us to grow apart. I want to grow old with you."

There was silence for a beat before Noah's voice came again. "This isn't us, baby. We don't fight like this. We don't... Fuck, what am I doing? What the fuck am I doing? Your dad's getting out, but he's still sick. You need me and I'm leaving. What the fuck am I doing? Fuck, what am I doing Mer? I am sorry, baby. I'm coming back to you."

Noah's voice abated as the sound of his blinkers and rustling of his body took over.

"I'm taking the next exit and coming back to you, baby. I'm so sorry for making you feel second. Fuck, what am I doing recording this instead of calling you? I'm going to call you, baby. I love you A+."

What seemed to be him fumbling with his phone, trying to stop the recording, could be heard before a long screech and a loud bang ensued.

And then there was silence. Utter and complete silence as the voice note ended, leaving Noah and I stunned and speechless.

Tears I had been holding back escaped from my eyes. I shot up from my seat and started to walk away. Two steps. That was how far I had walked before a hand grabbed mine, halting me in my tracks. And before I could make sense of what was happening, I was gathered in Noah's hands, my face buried deep in his chest.

I was heaving—crying my eyes out. My body convulsed as my tears are soaked his chest. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't gasp for air. I just wailed. Clutching his shirt in my fingers, collected in his arms, I fell apart all over again.

My cries were loud as I was making incoherent sounds. My tears were scalding hot and salty as they rolled down my cheeks and into my mouth. Noah's face was by my neck and I could feel moisture dripping down from him. He was crying, too. We were crying together.

Seconds passed.

Minutes passed.

We didn't stop crying. We didn't regard each other. We didn't talk. We just held each other and cried.

"I am so sorry," I managed to say between my sobs. Pulling back a little and looking up at him from under my wet lashes, "I am so sorry, Noah." I apologized for that night. My face felt swollen. My lips were heavy and my eyelids refused to be opened all the way.

Noah looked down at me, his hands hovering over my face like he didn't know what to do with them. He didn't wipe my tears like he used to; he didn't cup my face like he used to. Because despite being momentarily transported to our past through the voice note, we were in the future. And Noah and Mer didn't exist in the future.

Besides, he was a married man now. His thumbs wiped someone else's tears. His hands cupped someone else's face. I understood that—I respected that.

A sad look took over his face before he inched forward and grabbed my hands. "I want to remember," he whispered, holding my gaze. "Please, help me remember." His sadness radiated and found its way into my heart, shattering it all over again.

"No." My head and my chest shook altogether. "You-" I swallowed back tears intermingled with my words. "You got the easy way out, Noah. Take it. Our past, it's heavy. It's beautiful, but tragic. It's debilitating. It isn't worth remembering. You have a happy life."

I wiped away the tears that were raining on my face. "Nothing that compromises your happiness is worth your time, Noah. You're better off without our memories. Don't worry. They won't be in vain. They won't disappear. They will live on in me. I'll remember them for the both of us."

Because I'm cursed to live with them for the rest of my life.

I took one step backward, creating a space between us. "All I ever wanted was for you to be happy—to live your life to the fullest." I smiled at him, but I was hurting inside. "You wanted to marry a beautiful woman and move down south. You wanted to build her a house with white picket fences. You wanted to have two kids, a boy and a girl. You wanted to take your children to ballet classes and football practices. You wanted to go trick or treating with them. Thant's what you have now. I met your daughter, Carmen. She's an angel. I am so happy that you've made that life for yourself."

He swallowed and wiped the tears dropping down from his eyes. "What about you?" the sincerity in his eyes began to fill the gaping hole in my heart. "Did you get all you've ever wanted for yourself?" he asked.

I dropped my gaze to the floor. "All I ever wanted was to be a doctor. And to make you happy the way you made me." I looked up at him with fresh tears blurring my eyes. "So yes, in the end, I did get all that I wanted." My smile was resolute.

Pain was pleasure. Letting him go was painful, but seeing him happy masked the pain with pleasure. I was pleased he was alive and healthy and most of all; I was happy he was happy.

Noah was right about many things. But he was wrong about some. He had told me once that love was finite. That when the person you loved hurt you, the love would magically turn into resentment and cease to exist. He couldn't have been more wrong. No one had ever hurt me the way he did, yet my love for him was still unwavering almost a decade later.

That fateful night, he had said I was a selfish person. He was wrong again. I might have been a selfish lover, but I had never been a selfish person. I might have been selfish enough to try to keep him all to myself. But I was selfless enough to put his happiness first and let him go—release my hold.

Noah was my first for many things. He was the love of my life—the mate to my soul. The finite love he had showered me with sprouted me. The few months I had known him shaped me. But it was time to find myself again.

"Thank you for coming into my life when I needed you the least and for leaving it when I needed you most. You made me stronger. I wish we didn't find each other just to lose each other again. But... you know? Life." Behind my tears, I smiled. "I love you. I will always love you. You will forever have a place in my heart. But love is never enough. So, goodbye, Noah."

With that, I walked away from the man who had walked away from me long ago. Unknowing him, once and for all.

The end.

...

I am too emotional to type out an author's note that encompasses all the emotions running through my body right now. So, I will just leave you guys with this; thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you for reading my mediocre piece of art. My first baby. Thank you for voting and commenting on every chapter. Thank you for coming on this journey with me.

There will be an epilogue coming soon and another story coming sooner.

As this was my very first attempt at writing, I have made many mistakes and learned from them. I'm not above critique. So it would mean a lot to me if you'd tell me what you would like to see from me, moving forward. How do you feel about Unknowing Him? What should I change from my writing style or storytelling technique? What kind of story do you expect from me next? anything you'd like to say?

Thank you! ❤️

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