Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The five stages of grief. I spent a long time feeling as though I would never accept Patrick's death, and spent a long-time resenting Nasir for executing a command he could not deny. Caught between two of both disasters. Watching a figure who I admired, be killed by a man I desired. I never thought I would come to terms with it, but in the end, I had found my peace. Fully accepting Patrick is no more, and what he has taught me, for all those years must now be put to the test and in good faith.

But I find myself guilty in this very moment.

Hidden in the furthest part of my room, buried into the soundless closet, I had removed my crown from my head, not worthy of wearing it for what I planned on doing. With the laptop I had bought a long time ago, I put it to use for the very first time. Searching for erotic videos on forbidden websites.

I skipped several steps in the part of healing and caved in on all the filthy fantasies, those that I had stored in my mind the very first time I seen him. Suppressed for so long, and now they have fully returned, ten folds stronger than I had intended. 24 hours since I had last spoken to him, 24 hours since I could look him in the eyes and not see that mighty shaft awakening with a need, or his calloused palms and not wince.

We are due to depart in an hour to locate a suitable building for the approaching event for the upcoming exhibition. I woke up without Gunter aside me, and instantly thought of yesterday's events, only prolonging that ache.

And now it is what I planned on doing about it -- in Fact, how do I do this? and what was I into?

All tension focuses right on my center, and I am constantly shifting to any noise or a sound of my name from the outside.

I pull a video. A masseuse and a stripper -- interesting combo.

The video begins, and my heart plummeted into the acid of my stomach. Every swirl of the loading icon only slumped me further into shame. Goodness, what am I doing.

The video opens with a woman lying on her belly, a faceless man hovering above her on the side as he lathers her radiant skin up with oil. Fondly running his hand, over the soft layer of her skin until she beams like a star, his caress is strong yet gentle simultaneously. Long raven hair brushing the polished floor as she groans to his every deep touch, undoing those tight knots. Veins adorning his hands, Like Nasir's they were carved for destruction and menacing to the eyes, but his touches were as soft as flower pads.

"Where does it hurt the most?" he says, the camera keeps from his face, but his resonant voice shook even me from behind the screen.

"Lower." she whines, adjusting her hips to guide his touch down to her naked ass.

Fast forwarding through the conversation and buildup the video makes it to his straining erection, purposefully standing right in her face, leaving her no choice but to focus on the awoken member. The fervent kissing commences, tension accelerating, and he begins to gnaw his way down her body. I cocked my head and watched as he gripped the hems of her underwear, slipping it down to her ankles, she swung her leg around and I captured a glimpse of her bare shaven womanhood. Dark folds and a bright pink clit. His hands hook under knees pulling her towards the end where he knelt. Using his index fingers from both hands to spread her open and drag his tongue at her center.

Slowly, awfully slower than I wanted. It feels off, at how unexcited I was. I exited the video, feeling rather empty, scrolling down the filthy page of torrid thumbnails, until one tag caught my eye.

'BDSM'

I gaped at the four letters, not knowing what it meant but was awakened by electricity, even when I hovered the mouse over the word, beads of sweat race down the nape of my neck with a rush as I click the video. One minute I held my breath then the next it gusted from my lungs, leaving me wheezing for more.

These women were tied, gagged, and reduced to nothing but toys. I treaded lightly, growing more and more stupefied until I settled over one, and chose a man, and four women.

Two on their knees before him, and the rest toyed with themselves on the mattress behind them. The camera pans to only his view, what he is physically seeing in this moment, and that gives me the view of the brown beady eyed woman, trying to stuff him whole into her the small space of her mouth. His tatted forearm reached forwards to push her in, violently depriving her of air.

My tongue breaks from my mouth, running its moisture over the plump of my lips. These urges are swelling painfully to the point they leak between my legs when he is near, and there is nothing I can do to satiate them properly. Or ever. To even think of laying with a man below me, and not my husband will even be the reason to my end -- but if I couldn't act on them, then by all means let me run away with my fantasies.

The seconds winded further and the woman on the screen still struggles to take him whole, but his forearm comes into the screen again, violently pulls her head back, so harshly I feared her neck might have snapped in the moment. His grip strong, she's bounded by him, and swayed to his liking.

My skin scorches watching it all unfold. Like a rag, he tosses her petite frame over his broadened shoulders, my eyes tracing along the lines of his back muscles, she squeals ever so happily as she landed onto the bed in between the other young naked ladies, who happily cheer at his swinging shaft.

Lazily he coils a belt around his veined arm and winced, but the women on screen beam with excitement, twirling around until they are on all fours giving the back view of their naked rears to the camera. New profound excitement surging in me, and my body responds happily watching him spank them. My arousal synching with the women as ghost hands run all around me and I unconsciously lean myself back, meeting the cold polish of my walk-in closet.

No longer do I want see the video; I just wanted to hear it, submerge myself into the scene, and listen in the noises of pleasure, and imagine it was him and I, alone, in the privacy or public of wherever we chose. I wanted to be his to have when no one was around, asserting himself on me in ways a guard should never with his queen. Forbidden erotic thoughts that run rampant daily, searing me alive and disrupting my normal daily activity.

The whip of the belt comes to a steady stop, and it was subbed for those sounds of retching struggles for oxygen-- I could only guess what they were doing.

Tears gloss my vision as I brush my fingers over the swelling buds of my nipples, silently crying out when the electric pleasure whizzed down to my pussy. My head angles, lips parting as I greedily inhaled the invisible clouded scent of Peach Bellini. The sound on screen changes again and this time it sounded like violent slaps against skin, and wrecked breathing.

Pleasure spoke to me in that moment, it became my guide, telling me of all the places that needed attention, and the loudest one cries below me, in between my legs. Painfully swollen, pent up with fluid, deprived of touch -- It nagged me the loudest.

I trace down the curve of my body, arching deeply to the point I felt a faint bone pop. The pad of my fingers is hot and the awakening trail I leave behind is scorching, a need so deep my eyes protrude from the sockets when I ran a finger over the swollen pomegranate bead, and now that my fingers found it, I couldn't move it.

Like teasing a peach. The hem of my thong pulled to the side, around the wide curve my bum and held the string in place, while I explore the regions of my core with one hand and rolling my nipple with the other. The same breast Nasir groped. The sounds of the viscous liquid sloshing and leaking down my body, pooling into a sticky mess of on the floor. My finger running down the center of the bead, leaving me to sensually moan and groan to the touch wishing my soft hands were replaced with calloused palms.

Whatever I was doing, my body loved and ached simultaneously, something beckoned for attention -- I go rougher. But still felt a hollowness, when the slippery skin of my folds guided my fingers inside me. Bolts of signals flared at once, clawing out the loudest cry I have never heard before. It hurt, it stung, but it felt bliss.

A euphoric symphony of raw intense pleasure, and when I curled my fingers a slight inch, my bottom jaw dropped silently. Speechless, leg numbing and a moment that is shattering.

"Ohhh." Was all I could manage. Holding back babbles of words, but most importantly the need to scream his name. The need to call him out for being the reason why I am exploring myself like this, the reason behind it all.

I was no expert on sex in the slightest, and must forbid from such acts for it is considered sin against the holy book and my oath, but if it is only thinking about someone that helps me relieve some of this ache than by this crown i will fondle myself until I can see stars.

No one will never know, no one ill bare witness, this was my secret, it was my privacy.

Deeper i dug somehow, not even aware of how rough I was being with myself, or giving my self a moment to breathe, I am chasing something but didn't know what it was until a ball swelled in my gut rolling down my abdomen and thickening with hot pleasure.

Something was coming, swelling with intensity, my spasming legs alerting me, shaking until I appear to be having seizures, I can't take it, I can't hold back it was coming I am coming ....

***

I treaded on a thin line not to look up to the mirror, Nasir's eyes have been bestowed with many gifts, both beauty and the ability to scrutinize the tinies detail just by one look, and are capable of detecting even the smallest mishaps in any of my moods -- for sure he would pick up on the after glow of my affairs moments prior. Or maybe if I didn't squirm like a shivering cat in my warm leather seat, he wouldn't need to be observing me questioningly.

Instead of reeling it all in and keep a steady composure, I choose this very moment to devote the silence of the drifting car to think about that moment yet again. Slightly unease by the swelling ball in my gut, rays of sunlight pouring it's warmth into the windows and I throw my gaze out to the bounty green trees and lively long grass as the car drifted down the main road. My need is desperate to keep my mind from plunging into the filthiest thoughts and keep from drawing suspicion.

"You look beautiful." he whispered aside me. Slithering his larger cold palm above my smaller hand. My blood churns to the cold wakening and I slipped my eyes from the window to look aside me to the cyan blue eyes of Gunter.

The essence of prince charming himself in the cold flesh. I was almost ashamed to admit his enhanced beauty under the brilliant ray, and the shimmering blue ocean of his eyes, and the golden ringlets of his combed hair. The crown above him sparking just as brightly when his pink lips curved, glaring at me as if I were his one and only prize.

He cocked his brow at me, "You alright?" he asks.

And it was than I blinked away from him, clearing the phlegm from my throat and adjusted myself into my seat. "I'm ok. I'm just nervous."

"You have no need to be." he says, leaning himself comfortably onto the leather seat and stretching his long legs. "You are still my wife, and I trust your judgement." His cold thumb brushed over my knuckle and a bitter taste filled my tongue and I treaded not to make the distaste obvious, instead flipped my hand until our palms touched and subtly squeezed his stronger hand.

"Is that my new title? just being your wife?" I mused.

His rosy smile slowly descended, steadily processing my words and the sarcasm I hinted. "You know I had my reasons for doing so, I simply wanted my wife to return to me."

"I've never left Gunter." My heart pouring serenity into my words, as I squeezed his broader palm with both my smaller hands. Nasir watched me, I knew he was, and it split me in two. "Sure I understand my mind was elsewhere, but I needed my own time to cope things is all."

"And how do you feel now?" He says to me, Iris stars flickering in his eyes as his orbs balanced with question and uncertainty. It was in this moment I was being studied, everything mattered.

A mischievous gleam masked me, and he watched me bite the corner of my lip. "I want to show you." I said softly, scooting myself against him until my naked thigh brushed against his flat slacks.

He arched a brow, intriguingly and threw a gaze to the mirror, sharply snapped his finger to Nasir, with a cold command. "Roll the partition."

With no hesitance, the silence cuts by the loud latch of the window released, until I see the onyx black. Gunter relaxingly stretched his body and parted his strong legs, form there I hinted the large outline of his manhood resting against his thigh.

"Come." he says, his blue eyes holding me captive with dark interests. "Show your king."

There was no going back, and with an inhale, I throw my leg around his strong waist, resting my myself down on to him and when my womanhood touched his hard shaft, he gripped my hips, roughly digging his long fingers into my skin and pulls me forwards where a sweet friction rubbed my clit and his wet mouth begins to devour my neck.

Marked, nibbled and licked. His mouth moves to every angle of my skin, I grip his strong shoulder for stability, maneuvered like a rag as he made way down to my sternum, his possessive tongue grazed something sensitive and I released a involuntary cry before quickly pursing my lips.

Under his palms he felt my skin burn, he knew he had hit something sweet over me and returned to do it again, "Let it out." he muffles against my skin, his breath fanning over the trail of saliva he left behind. "Let me hear the pleasure I'm giving you."

And I did. The hood echoing my cries, the pleasure he gives me, the soft wet of his tongue, in return i grind over his hips, inhaling the scent of fresh rain emanating from his golden hair. I'm unsteady, I am on edge, finishing what I started earlier, chasing that electric friction over his pant leg.

It throbs under me, his hands warm and he uses one of them to hold me steady at the hip with a hungry possession, while the other is buried into my hair strands. He was everything I needed, but it wasn't he who I wanted, and while he feels me all around, he uses his teeth to pull the hem the deep v line of my dress downwards, my hands grip his muscled shoulders as he pulled my breasts from the pads of the bra with only the nudge of his nose until both the large globes fall loose, and free.

His breathing is wrecked, shivering uncontrollably as if he were bare in a cold vaping fridge. I watch with vagueness below me as his face buries itself into the valley between my breasts. Bristles of his aftershave scratch my skin in a tingling way.

"Put it in your mouth." I begged, arching my back and angling my head up to the clean hood of the carpeted car for anticipation. "Put them in your mouth."

And he does. Releasing his grip on hip to grab a breast and moving his hand from my head to the small of my back, Gunter parted his lips and my nipple disappeared into the moist of his mouth.

"OH." I cried, roaring out loud into the medal, my arms coiling around his neck as he plunged us down, dipping our figures until my head hit the seat on the opposite side of us with a thud. Teeth graze against the bud, and his tongue rolling teasingly.

I needed to play this out, doing everything possible to keep my mind strong and not be shattered by the zipping pleasure of my breasts that run down to the core. Nasir is on the other side, for sure listening to the sounds, and Gunter's popping noises against my skin, but it is imagining that it was he that I was grinding upon made this moment bliss and mind shattering, once again it is him I need to be thanking.

The moment prolonging and I could tell his manhood would rip itself out and plunge into me and swaying car only adding more to the pleasure I am riding forwards, until it comes to sharp stop, breaks slammed with a sudden aggression, nearly launching me downwards.

"Ooof"

As Gunter attends to me Nasir's voice plays through a speaker. "Were here my King." his voice deep and croaky, bits of irritation is evident by his tone, and I gulped.