Jimin – the name my grandfather has given me, hoping I would adopt its strength and wisdom to fly into the sky like an angel; but it was these qualities I let fade away from me as if they were the devil himself.

Once again, I am walking the corridors.

Nobody else can be seen.

The others, the normal ones, are already in the common area.
The ones, who want to get out of here soon.
That see this place as a prison.

Everyone that is here, has a reason to be here.
All kinds of deeds on one spot.
One can barely notice.
Except you see them without clothes.

While taking a shower, rumours are cleared.
No one speculates why one is here, anymore.
Because one can see it.
How the ribs bulge out of their bodies.
How fresh cuts as well as scars cover up their bodies.
How strangulation marks discolour their bodies.

All of this suddenly becomes explicit.
Suddenly, there are no rumours anymore.
Suddenly, everybody knows your story.
Many come here, to become healthy again.
They want to get out of here as fast as possible.
But then, there's me.

What should I do somewhere else?
It is the same everywhere.
I disappoint.
That is everything I am able to do.
No matter whom.
My parents, my teachers, my friends.
Even strangers.
Whatever I do.
I disappoint.
And until recently I experienced this every day.

"Jimin, if it stays like this, you'll have to repeat the semester."
"What did I do to deserve a son like you?"
"Do you always have to be special?"
"But what can you do, except sucking dicks?"
"You filthy slut, just conk out!"

As these comments come to my mind again, I support myself one the white wall.
White.
Just like everything else here.
The clothes – white.
The bedding – white.
Well, almost all.
My soul – black.

More and more memories float into my head.
I screw my eyes up and let myself slip down to the floor.
My back is erected pressed against the wall, my head is nearly overextended.
One leg is angled, the other one is laying around useless and twitches.
My hands try to claw into the plastic bottom but it doesn't drawback.

"You are a shame to this family!"
"You nothing more than a useless piece of scum!"
"I wish I never gave birth to you!"
"Come on, you like it, dirty whore, don't you?"

My lips leak a quiet whimper.
I wish, it would stop.
I do not want to hear it anymore.
But I cannot walk away.
It is like a enforcement, to always be ready to listen.

"Oh, did the poor Jimin hurt himself?"
"So, did you suck one on the toilet again?"
"We'd all be better off with you being dead, don't you agree, worthless piece of shit?"
"You can't, so for what reason are you existing?"
"Please finally kill yourself!"

My whimpering becomes louder and my hands press against my ears.
"Please, stop," I beg silently.
The voices should just leave me alone.
But even more voices mix up in my head so I cannot difference between them anymore.

Increasingly wild.
Increasingly loud.
Increasingly cruel.

"NO!
Leave me alone!
I don't want this!" I scream with shut eyes through the corridor.
My back is crooked now.

I press my head along with my hands between my knees.
hoping, the voices would become silent.
"Shut up!
I don't want to hear you!" I scream and tears are running over my cheeks.

I try to pick myself up as far as possible.
Try to run away from the voices, my hands still on my ears.
But I stumble and fall to the ground.
I ignore the pain in my arm and just try to crawl further.

For the first time, the door at the end of the hallway looks inviting.
For the first time, I would rather be in there, than being in the corridor alone.
More and more voices shred my soul.
"H-help me–" is everything that comes out of my mouth while I use all of my strength to reach the door.
But it feels as if the voices skid me around.

I try to hide from the ones that make cause my suffering, making myself small.
I can see them all in front of me, how they twist their faces and point fingers at me.
I undergo my life again.
I press my body against the wall again and shut my eyes.
I am screaming at the voices in my head to be quiet while I keep my ears shut as well.

Sobs leave my mouth while my body is shaking.
My lips tremble, my lids stick.
The skin behind my ears is being hurt by my fingernails which scratch it roughly.
My hands press against my ears – it hurts already.

My screams become louder and racked.
It hurts too much–
The voices get more aggressive.
I feel all the pain they have put me through.
Not only the words.
Also the fists and the kicks.

Increasingly wild.
Increasingly loud.
Increasingly cruel.

But then– it is quiet.
Everything has stopped.
As if someone pressed "Off".
Only a muffled, melodic sound is left.
It is calming and my eyes are relaxing a bit.
Slowly, I remove my hands from my ears and lift my head

"It's alright, I'm with you," I hear a soft voice talking.
Has God sent me an angel?
Mein lids are glued together my tearmud but I scrub them a bit.
Afterwards I success in opening them.

Hold my breath for a moment as I look into the face of the person in front of me.
So magnificent.
My mouth widens.
I stare at him, look into his enchanting eyes.
"Are you an angel?" I ask and I am not even embarrassed at this point.

The man in front of me lets out a little laugh and smirks.
His hand touches my hair which makes me close my eyes in enjoyment for a second.
"Seokjin's fine," he then says while he stops touching me.
I look at him with big eyes.
"So, are you an angel?" I dig deeper.

He puts his head askew for a moment, then smiles at me again.
"Why do you think I'm an angel?"
My tongue licks over my brittle lips before I try to sit more comfortably and lean forward a little bit.
"You have a face like an angel and you voice is angelic, too," I begin to put out my thoughts.

Seokjin sits down as well and looks at my face while he rests his on his hands.
"Also, you have a calming aura to me and you've com exactly in the moment when I called for help.
It's like God has sent me an angel."
Seokjin smiles and again moves his head to the side for a moment.
Now I realise why he looked familiar.
I have seen him a few times as I opened the door to my room slightly while he was on heading to dinner with other patients, probably his friends.

"If I'm an angel, what are you?" he asks me and looks at me inquiringly.
This questions throws me off.
It was long ago that someone honestly asked about for my opinion or about my feelings.
When the nurses do it, I do not believe them.
I don't believe them, I mean something to them.
I only disappoint as I am not getting better.

"I–" I start but shake my head afterwards to collect my thoughts.
Afterwards I start again.
"I think I am a unicorn," I say and look into Seokjin's eyes.
"Why do you think that?"
"Because no one believes in me just as no one believes in unicorns," I state honestly and look to the ground.

He will stand up and leave, just as everybody else did.
Will leave me alone because he realised what bad of a person I am.
But nothing happens.
Instead his hand rests on my knees which makes me look into his eyes directly.

"What if I tell you I do believe in unicorns?" he speaks with his soft voice.
I look at him in surprise.
He looks into my eyes and I again realise how beautiful his are.

"And I also think that you are a unicorn," he adds which makes me frown.
Until just now he seemed so perfect why would he say such a thing?

How can something sound beautiful when it is so cru–
His hand rests on my cheek and his thumb caresses it.
"Because you are marvellous, precious and unique," he says quietly and I only slightly realise he has come nearer.

"You are magical, Jimin."
My eyes widen.
Throughout the past weeks I repeatedly had sketches of myself being passed onto be underneath my door.
On the back it was always the same sentence.

"You are magical Jimin, never lose your magic. I beg you, Jimin."

"You?
You made the sketches?"
Seokjin nods smiling.
"Did you like them?"
I immediately nod fast.

"I keep them all in a drawer.
I would have hung them up but I particularly don't like my face," I admit.
Something lets me trust him.

"I will keep on doing them.
As long as you promise me to never lose your magic," he demands which makes me look to the ground sadly and embarrassed.
"I can't," I whisper.

Seokjin lifts up my chin and looks into my eyes again.
"Why not?"
"Because I already lost my magic long ago."
"That's not true," Seokjin says with a stable voice.

He takes my hand and lets it rest on his chest, directly above his heart.

I can feel how it strongly and fast beats against his chest.
My look wanders from his hands back to his eyes which seems to be endlessly clear and wide in the moment.
He leans to my ear and whispers.
"See?
You are enchanting me."

2020 | Kimchi_Real