Ancient history is now present tense
- Clay Jensen

I remember the first time I met Jake Levinson like it was yesterday. We had been texting a lot for almost a month, we spoke on the phone a lot too and that was my favorite part. He was the first and only guy on grindr that I had agreed to communicate with outside the app.

I liked his voice, a little too much, the things it did to me. I called him whenever I had a bad day, not to vent but to listen to him talk about football and his best friend, Zayn. He said he used to have a crush on him once, sometimes I thought he still did but Zayn was straight and didn't know he was gay, no one did.

I liked what his voice could do to my body, I wondered what his face would do, it was just curiosity. When we finally decided to meet, it was to know each other better, as friends, nothing more.

We met at the McDonalds that soon became our spot. Building a friendship wasn't difficult, Jake loved to talk and I always listened, even when he didn't think I was.

He used to call himself perfectly average, something I could never agree with. His looks for one was sports magazine cover worthy, which was expected considering the amount of time he spent on the field and at the gym.

His muscles weren't his most defined feature though, it was that smile of his that always enhanced his innocent face. He had a baby face that he loved because he said it justified his cheerful nature.

Aside training his muscles, Jake never put any effort into his appearance, his brown hair was always a curled up nest on his head and when he wasn't making a large shirt look small, he was donned in his stupid varsity jacket.

I wasn't burdened with the responsibility of pleasing any parents but Jake had a perfectionist for a mother. His future was written and handed to him the day he was born, it was his life obligation to not mess it up even by a little detail and being gay was more than a little detail, one he was willing to keep hidden in order not to jeopardize the dream he had been handed of becoming a world-class footballer someday.

I had dropped out of school after mama died because we couldn't afford it and I had to help Trevor out but I hadn't missed it. If I had been in school though, I would never had been close to Jake, his grades were better than that of all his teammates but his mom said they were alright which he interpreted to meaning he could do better.

With football and classes, it was a mystery how he still found time to study. What drew me the most to Jake was his kindness, even when he was stressed out and supposed to be icky, he still made time for the people he cared about, which included me for some reason and still smiled like the world couldn't break him, something I hadn't wasted any time in doing.

It was my fault we got past 'just friends'. I had wanted to know him better and there was so much to know, I got drowned, taking and taking even when I knew I couldn't give back, not entirely anyway. Jake made everything good, he made me feel normal, grounded and not like the biggest sinner I knew I was.

He told me it was okay and I believed him because how could it not be okay when it felt so good. I let myself get comfortable enough to feel entitled, the secret arrangement was okay for us both until he went and got a girlfriend, I knew it was show, that his mom was pestering him.

What is a perfect son without a perfect little girlfriend? And Katie was perfect, I knew that because I knew her, she was one of my sister's friends, maybe that was why I got scared, because the only person that kept me grounded had another option, one that was way better than my self hating ass.

The truth is that I got possessive, so I ruined it for him like a typical douche.. What? I can't say boyfriend because I couldn't even give him that. I got possessive over something that wasn't even mine.

His relationship was the least of the things I ruined though, what made it worse was the fact that he never knew I was the ones who sent the pictures so despite the guilt he felt for using her and breaking her heart, he still fell back into my arms, my arms that weren't always gon' be there to hold him.

Someone once called me a monster and for more than one reason, that statement is true. I'll always be a monster because I watched Jake fall, ever so slowly edging towards false bliss I had selfishly let him believe he could have with me.

I hadn't stopped him because I had hoped that bliss could somehow be mine too but what was buried deep inside my core was deeper than whatever it was I felt for Jake. They say love conquers all but the boy's love couldn't compete with my hate.

*

For the past two years I'd felt like I was running from my shadow because despite the distance I put between myself and my past, the memories in my head wouldn't let me be free of it. Running wasn't required anymore because the shadow had taken flesh in Jake Levinson and popped up wherever I set foot with Albert right by his side.

It was annoying to say the least, even more so because I found myself hiding from them. I didn't want him to see that it affected me, I didn't want to be faced with the fact that everyone could move on while I was stuck, that the world wasn't going to wait around just because I was fighting a battle with myself that I couldn't tell if I was winning because every win turned out to be a loss.

The change was happening now but is it really change if it has all happened before? Once again I was helpless, standing by as every encounter with Jake unearthed feelings I had buried. Every doubt I had gotten rid of was back and it was frustrating because Jake wasn't doing anything to trigger this except be himself; a happy guy with a nice boyfriend who had gotten a football scholarship into the school of his dream.

His accomplishment brought me a tiny sense of fulfilment, with me out of the picture he had been able to focus on himself.

Albert called me all the time, he wanted us all to get together but I told him I was busy with the garage and construction and he bought it. He dropped by the garage sometimes and told me stories about his boyfriend that I hungrily soaked up.

Jake was spending the entire summer, he was starting to believe they could really work out. They were happy, I owed it to them to be happy for them and I was, when I wasn't really thinking about it, so I drowned myself in work and when I wasn't working, Kazeem gave me what I needed to not feel.

I succeeded in spending an entire week without giving in to Albert's pleas to sit out with them but on Tuesday evening I knew the exhaustion I felt wasn't just physical. Janice was behind the counter trying not to scream at the person she was on the phone with.

"Don't give me that shit, nigga".
"What do you mean disrespectful? You're the one hanging out with em hoes".
I leaned on the wall and waited for her to finish.
"I know they be lying but those bitches getting on my nerves".

"I know, I'm sorry".
"Yeah. Love you".
She stuffed the phone in her shorts, took a deep breath before turning around then jumped a little when she saw me there.

"Hey Trav". She tried a small smile.
"Everything good?" I asked.
"Yeah, tight".
"Who was it?"
"Tommy?" She looked down at the counter.

Tommy was her boyfriend. I hated him, she knew it and so did he. He was like a young Chris Brown, super talented on the dance floor with a face that made them little shawties heart drop. He even got the tats and everything to go with the rep.

Everyone thought he was gon' make it big someday and he let it get to his head, acted like he already had. I didn't like him for her, arrogant piece of shit, stepping on toes that would crush him someday but Janice said she liked him for it, that he had drive, ambition and almighty talent.

All that was in fact true but also true was the fact that he had a giant prick that he couldn't keep in his khakis. Everyone knew he was dogging around, even Kazeem. There was a new girl every week but Janice wouldn't hear it.

To her, he was a star and haters were always going to rub shit on him.
"Who is it this week? Angelina?"
"Travis, do not start". She gave me a death glare.
"Truth is hard, J". I walked off, throwing her the peace sign.

The fact that Janice could not see what everyone else could was lost on me. Janice was no pushover, she was a strong badass chic who knew her worth and would never take shit from anyone but with Tommy she became mashed potatoes.

She wasn't the first woman that I had seen lose herself for a man, my mama used to be that way for my pops. She made up excuses for his absence, justified all his shortcomings and trusted him with her life, the biggest mistake she'd ever made.

Maybe it is one of those things men are just not supposed to understand about women.

I managed to drag myself to my apartment after work. I was tired but I was idle and my mind was opening up to thoughts I wasn't ready to welcome so I got up, brewed some shrooms into a large pot of tea, poured it into a bottle, had a cup and fell into bed with it at my side.

-----------------------------------------------------
Late but still better than nada.

See y'all on Thursday.