We all must stand alone against our demons
- Klaus Mikaelson

        I wasn't the smartest of my siblings and my friends called me a dumb rock but when I turned sixteen, it became obvious even to my demented self that I wasn't like the other guys in my hood.

Sure, I could ball, roll up a joint and didn't mind a little trouble but I didn't stare at girls in bikinis as much as I stared at shirtless guys, I didn't understand the hype about boobs and when I scored hoops with the guys, their thinly clad butts fed too much to my imagination.

I didn't give much thought to it but I saw how the less masculine guys in the hood were treated, they got shoved around and called faggots and I wondered what my friends would do if they found out that I did more than envy their abs.

It still didn't bother me much, it's not like I didn't like girls, I thought they were pretty but I wasn't hooking up with them as much as the other boys were doing.

      I tried to convince myself it was a phase, that a little exploration wouldn't hurt, just to clear things up. Finding a platform to explore wasn't hard but it wasn't much of a help. All the guys I chatted up were chill, like normal people, once I told them I wasn't interested in anything aside getting to know them.

To be fair, I wasn't very open to the experiment but my little attraction to dudes wasn't going away. I was beginning to get less interested in girls and as I realized that I had never really had any interest, raw hatred began to brew in me not for anyone but myself.

I was gay, I knew it in my heart but I'd never voice it out. I had let it happen and I couldn't seem to help it. I felt like a traitor because mama had brought me up with the Bible and while I had to do some sinful things to survive, I didn't have to be that.

I was going to fight it, people got cravings all the time that they ignored but I met someone I couldn't ignore, Jake fucking Levinson.

*

    I wasn't ever prepared to see Jake Levinson and for the first time, I could tell he wasn't prepared either. He looked at me like a puppy that landed on his doorstep, with uncertainty and warmth that he couldn't help.
"Travis". He breathed and I felt myself shiver.

"Travis, this is my boyfriend Jake". Albert said, his statement seeming to jolt Jake back to reality.
"Travis knows me, at least I hope he still does". The warmth was gone and for the first time since I met him, I couldn't read his expression, it was blank.

"I know you Jake". I wasn't sure I did anymore.
"Really? How?" Albert asked.
"We grew up in the same town". I answered since Jake was still giving me a blank stare that made my skin crawl.

"Wow, what are the odds? Have a seat Travis and give me all the goof stories". He was flaunting one of those smiles now and all it did was annoy me.
Of course Jake had a boyfriend, he was out and deserved to be proud.

"I don't know man, we weren't close". An emotion finally crossed Jake's face and he scoffed, reoccupying his seat.
"You know what, I'm just gonna run along and let you two enjoy each other". Albert looked at me like I punctured his heart.

"Yeah, run. You're pretty good at that". Jake's words shouldn't have hurt me but they were true.
"Is there something I'm missing?" Albert looked between us with curious eyes.
"You miss a lot of things, babe". Jake said, stressing the last word with a smile that didn't quite reach the eyes he had trained on me.

"I told you we weren't friends". His eyes dimmed.
"Yeah, we weren't".
"Well that has got to change, for my sake. Have a seat Travis, I'm going back there to get what I want". He said, glaring at the tender who was actively flirting with a man old enough to be her father.

"We weren't close? Really?" He began the second Albert was gone.
"Are you still going to ignore me? I'm right in front of you".
"Yeah, that is painfully clear".
"Well, I'm sorry my existence causes you pain".
"I didn't say that".

"Leaving without a fucking word said that for you".
"I had to go".
"Why?"
"I just had to!"
"You guys sure you can handle yourselves?" We both whipped our heads to face Albert who was behind the bar.

"I was gone for five seconds and the tension is already choking. Go on, order something to cool it off. It's a dump back here but I can make it work".
"I'll have a beer". Jake said, voice still a little tense.
"Scotch". I said and he gave us a thumbs up before disappearing.

"I don't know what your reasons were Travis but I'm glad you left". His tone was flat, maybe that is why it hurt that much.

     Jake Levinson was the simplest person I had ever met. He had a common dream; get his grades up so he could stand a chance of getting a football scholarship at NYU. He was a vocal person but never with his problems which was never an issue for me because despite being tight-lipped, his face always betrayed his emotions.

That was the Jake I knew, the Jake I couldn't get enough of but I wasn't sure he was the one seated beside me.

Albert had brought the drinks and suddenly Jake's attention was entirely on him, it was almost like I wasn't there except Albert kept pestering me to tell him stories from our childhood but how do you tell a guy you know about the birthmark on his boyfriend's thigh?

That his first tattoo was really his best friend's name even though he told everyone it was fan art for a pop star. That he slept with the light on and ate pizza for a living.

    Albert was doing most of the talking, Jake was usually the parrot but he seemed to be more interested in watching his boyfriend talk about his boring classes.

Boyfriend.

It annoyed me to think the word but it was real, Jake had gotten himself a boyfriend, one with a smile as bright as his. They were such a sunny couple it was infuriating because with it came the realization that Jake didn't need me. Even though it was what I always wanted.

"I should go". I rose from my seat. The bar was at its busiest now so they didn't hear me.
"I said I'm leaving". I repeated.
"Nooo. Staaay". Albert had attacked the drinks pretty hard.
"I need to go and you should leave too before you pass out".

"Don't worry, I've got him". Jake said without looking at me.
He wrapped his hand around him and pulled him up. I left some money on the counter and we found our way out. Jake helped Albert into his rental car and handed me the keys to the pink Porsche.

"Drive behind me, I can't leave it out here".
I took the keys and drove behind him until we got to Albert's apartment.

The place was huge, with a large living room, a movie room, kitchen, guest bathroom and a master bedroom. I waited in the living room while Jake helped Albert into bed. The second he got out, I caught his unsure eyes.

"So.. " He began.
"So?"
"I have questions". I sighed
"I don't have all the answers".
"I need just one". He moved a little closer. "Why?"
"Why what?"

"Why did you leave? Why Casville? Why the silence? But for now, why did you refuse to see me? I came there everyday that summer, you knew that but you refused to see me, you wouldn't even talk to me. What did I do to deserve that? I just want to know why you cut me off like I was nothing".

"You outed me!" He took a step back but I couldn't stop. "You outed me to everyone".
"No, I did not".
"Of course you did".
"I just decided to be honest with my best friend Travis, the secret was suffocating me".

"And her?" He straightened.
"She deserved to know, you were using her".
"Are you here to judge me? You used Katie too".
He shut his eyes for a while.
"I'm not judging you, I didn't even expect to see you here".
"Right, you are here for your boyfriend".

"Yes, yes I am". He nodded ardently. "Look Travis, I'm sorry about everything that happened but I've moved on and I hope two years has been a long enough time for you to figure things out".

"It hasn't". I heard myself whisper.
"Then come back home?"
"Where is that?"
"With your family and..."
"Family? My family is dead".
"What about Pokello?"
"She doesn't need me".

"But you need her".
"That's the problem! All I do is take, take and take. I ruined everything and everyone".
"You think running away will fix things?"
"At least nothing else has to be broken, not Kello, not her, not you".

"You shouldn't have made that decision alone". His voice was quiet, tired. He was exhausted of me, I couldn't blame him, I was too.
"I'm glad you moved on Jake". I looked at him one last time before walking out the door.

     I hadn't planned for it but my life was never one to go according to plan, mostly because there was never really a plan but I had been pretty certain I was never going to see Jake Levinson again.

The world had to be smaller than everyone made it out to be because he had found me, it might not have been his intention but he was here now and I knew within me that it was going to cause a change I wasn't prepared for.

He said he had moved on and it was selfish of me to be jealous, it was not his fault that despite moving miles away, I couldn't confidently say I had moved on.

----------------------------------------------------
See you Monday!