Depression is the inability to construct a future.
- Rollo May

          There were two McDonalds where I grew up but we liked to hang in the one at the middle of the town, the more frequented one where we could blend in but there was no blending in for the guy who was seated across the table from me.

His large head was a perfect fit for his broad shoulders, he wore the largest shirts but they did little to hide the toned muscles beneath. His hulk-like legs were bumping against mine but all I could concentrate on was his face.

His happy eyes, the color of healthy leaves. He was on one his animated rants, lips moving like a speed train, nose crunching and straightening, hands demonstrating.

"Trav? You listening to me at all?"
I had only caught those words because of the frown forming on his face.
"Yeah. Weren't you talking about enrolling in the army?"
He slumped in his booth and kicked my foot.
"Twerp".

We were supposed to be taking his mind off football and scouts but that was as impossible as him going unnoticed in a room. He loved football, even when it hurt him. I saw his face light up before he leaned forward again.

"You'd miss me right? You'd miss me if I left". His hopeful eyes gleamed at me. I always wondered how someone so big and strong could be such a baby.
I didn't get to respond because a couple of guys from my hood walked in and he noticed them before I did, his cheerfulness giving way for discomfort.

They weren't supposed to be here, they belonged on the other side of the tracks, so did I. I saw Kevin see us, we were hard to miss, his eyes narrowed and as soon as he began walking towards us, the other guys followed.

"Travis. Fancy seeing you here". His eyes weren't on me though. Kevin wasn't my friend but he was a pal of twins, an old one. Looking out for me was far from it, he just liked to have his nose in everyone's business.
"The same for you, Kev".
"Whatcha doing?"

"Ehm, we were just hanging but I've got to leave, you can have my seat". He was up before he finished speaking and held my eyes for a while.
"Later?" He asked and I nodded firmly.
We all watched him walk to the door before Kevin plopped down on the vacant seat.

"You 'hanging out' with his likes now?"
"Yeah Trav. I see you both around town a couple of times now". King, Kev's rightie piped in.
"We just hanging, he's cool". I picked up my forgotten smoothie.
"I don't know bruh, I just don't like his perfect white ass. Smiles too much for a man".

I couldn't dispute that. I looked out the window as he got into his car and struggled to hide a smile of my own because I knew I'd miss him if he left. I already missed him.

*

     The weekend was a blur, there was nothing to assure me that it even existed except the heaviness I felt on Monday morning from doing nothing. Kazeem had dropped by Friday night with all the things I needed for company throughout the weekend.

There had been a time in my life when I tried to resist the urge but I walked away from it, from hope and everything that could be dragged down with me. I knew I was on free fall but there was no reason to stop it. Mama would've wanted me to fight that is why sometimes I tried, she hated cliches, no way was I becoming one.

I checked my phone for the time in days, there were a few texts from an unknown number that was Monique, I deleted them once I realized they were from her. They were a couple from Kazeem and Luke and one from Pokello, it had been sent five minutes earlier.

Pokello: It's brothers day!💃

Hesitantly, I typed a reply.

Me: You said that three times this year

Her response was immediate, it always was.

Pokello: We didn't celebrate any.
Pokello: Or the one last year.
Pokello: Come see Ty with me today.
Me: I can't make it.
Pokello: You weren't at his funeral.
Me: I can't make it.

There was a little delay in her response.

Pokello: How far away are you, Trav?

So far away, she had no idea. I missed her but it was all I could do because if I got close, she wouldn't move on and I wanted her to, I wanted her to have everything we couldn't give her, everything we were denied. I worried about her, all the time but I was convinced she'd be okay.

She had friends, real ones, the sort that cried with you all night and cheered you on because your victory was theirs too. She had dreams, ambitions, attitude and the world at her feet. I really didn't have to worry but I did because she'd had to endure as much shit as I had.

Pokello contacted me at least once every week, many times I ignored her, sometimes I blocked her but she just got another line and kept up. I changed numbers a few times but eventually, I always called to let her know I was okay because I knew she couldn't afford to lose another brother, she already lost enough.

The drugs were wearing off, I was starting to feel. There was sadness and loss, confusion but mostly anger. I was angry at Pokello, at life, at myself, at everyone and even as he was dead, I was mad at Tyler.

        Janice was at the cashier's desk when I signed in. She was Kazeem's eighteen year old sister, fresh out of highschool and counting the days until she left for college. Murphy let her run the cash register for three days a week, the other four she spent on her dance classes.

She was a punk kind of girl and had more piercings than should be legal but she was pretty and looked a lot like Pokello.
"You caveman! I heard you got naughty with Monique all weekend". She also acted like Pokello.

"Did you really hear that or you just tryna get me to spill?"
"Nigga, you gat something to spill then spill it". She wasn't a gossiper like her brother but she was just as informed and put a price tag on her words.
"Sorry J, no juice".

       Kazeem and Luke were at the back room drinking beer and laughing obnoxiously, it was their way of curing hangovers but it always went on for too long and ended with them past out.
"Here he is, here he is. The man of the freaking year!" Kazeem cheered while Luke clapped.

"What you losers up about?" I dumped my bag on the bench and began changing.
"Oh come on Trav, tell us a little story". Kazeem grinned.
"What story?"
"The one about how you spent the entire weekend laying around with Monique". He continued.

"Okay, don't say that name to me anymore and dude, why'd you give her my number?"
"No bro, I didn't. The important thing is that she got it right?"
They both barked out laughs.
"Yeah, now she can text me chocolate purgants". They laughed even harder.

"Wait up, so you didn't hit it again?" Luke asked
"No. Why do you guys think I did?"
"Well, you was not at that party Saturday night, she too wasn't, even the one last night. Kazeem said he hit you up with some supplies so figured y'all was having an indoor picnic or something".

"That's bullshit, I ain't seen her all weekend and I pray I never do". I was done dressing now.
"Okay bruh. Want a drink?" Luke offered me a bottle.
"No and you two get your asses out coz I ain't working this place alone".

I did work the place alone though and boy, some work it was. Mondays were always busy with all the broken down vehicles from the weekend being towed in and office workers rushing in for a quick fix. I helped Hero finish up while the other two lazed around, indulging in petty town gossip.

I got out early so I could grab lunch before heading to the site. Everyone was pumped up with the new week and by the end of my five hours, I was sure we'd finish the work the next day. I was getting ready to head out when the supervisor approached me.

His face was hidden behind a forest of grey beard. Most guys called him black Santa.
"Travis". He said with strictness that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"Evening sir".
"You put in 5 hours". He accused.
"As usual". I replied and he rolled his eyes.

"Look son, I bless God everyday for sending me a worker like you but you won't do me any good if you drop dead".
"Why'd you say that? I ain't gonna die on you".
"I know, because you are going to reduce your hours".
"I work here only four days a week".

"What do you spend the other hours doing? Getting spa treatment? Boy I know you work all day". I shrugged
"Man's gotta survive".

"Not kill himself with work. You are young Travis, take a break sometimes, breath, make some friends, you've gotta live while your body still wants to. Your waist ain't gonna want to go clubbing when you're sixty-seven".
I laughed.

"I hear you boss, sorry about your waist".
"Eh, it's not entirely useless. Come on, get outta here".

     The streets were busy with people rushing home from work. I decide to stop by the store to get a pack of smokes to quench the rising burn in my gut. I was walking to the counter when I saw Albert, he had just a jar of peanut butter in his hands, then I watched him pick up some pickles, successfully reminding me once again of someone I couldn't forget.

"Albert". He turned to me and smiled.
"Hey... It's weird, I still don't know your name".
"Travis".
"Hey Travis". The smile turned sunny. "What did you get?"
He gave me a look and I showed him the pack of smokes.

"Oh, going to blow of steam".
"Yeah. Peanut butter and pickles?" He looked to his hands and smiled.
"These are not for me, they are for my boyfriend. He flew in on Saturday from New York".

I still didn't understand why someone would leave his entire life back in the city of dreams for a jaunty school in the charming town of Casville.
"Your summer's finally looking up then".
"Yeah, I'm meeting him at that bar with karaoke.. "
"Baring?"
"That's it".

I saw the glint in his eyes before he spoke again.
"You should hang with us". He proposed.
"What?"
"Yeah, I told him about you and I'm sure he'll be glad to meet you. Come on, it'll be fun, he has a lot of stories".

My first instinct was to decline, I didn't want to be associated with the man any more than I needed to but I also didn't want to be alone. Work had neutralized the anger so now I was left with sadness and I didn't want to face that yet so, taking Santa's advice, I agreed to sit out with Albert and his boyfriend with many stories from NYC.

       Baring was the town's safe haven. Everyone was accepted there and the woman who owned it didn't tolerate bad vibes as well as hard substances so it was always packed with families, friends and colleagues just having a good time. The old folks said Baring brought out the best in people. Not me.

There was already a guy on the tiny stage belting out Bruno Mars Grenade to his cheering girlfriend. I wondered if she couldn't hear the lyrics. My last girlfriend would've aimed her sneaker at my head before bouncing off.

"He's at the bar". Albie said, looking up from his phone. He maneuvered his way there and hugged a blonde guy whose back was to me.
"Babe, this is the guy I told you about. I managed to get his name, Travis".
I saw him twitch a little at the mention of my name and when he turned, I understood why.

He was different but the eyes were still forest green. I watched the surprise spread through his features and as he smiled slightly, I felt my heart do something it hadn't done in a while; pick up speed.

------------------------------------------------------
And so it began...
See you on Thursday!