Breakfast or brunch was a bust, Meghan is still upset she has to go shopping because we lost so she signed off every other chore and Pokello was too tired from eating too much cake so we were left at the mercy of Newt and Zayn and those two do not know what goes in a breakfast burrito. I pray I never find out what they stuffed in there, we'd have been better off with cereal.

I left my food barely eaten and went to take a shower. I can see Newt and Zayn outside with second helpings as I walk through the living room and just before I step into the kitchen, I spot Travis at the bar. It's a little past noon and there is a glass of something that isn't juice or cocktail beside his hands that he has his head leaned on.

There shouldn't be any alcohol here but he got past that stage over a year ago. No one worries about it anymore but apparently there is a need to because day drinking is a long way from being sober.

"Babe". I say the word out of habit and he slowly lift his head to give me a blank stare.

"Don't you think you've been drinking too much". He rolls his eyes.

"Not nearly enough".

"You've made tremendous progress with AA, I just_"

"I don't get it". His voice is hostile.

"Travis I'm concerned_"

"Then that's good right? It's what you wanted, isn't it? A broken piece to fix".

"You are not_"

"And don't you dare tell me I am not broken because it's the only way you see me. Like a problem that needs solving, a stray that needs rescuing. Just how you see Ingrid. We are your projects, Jake Levinson, aren't we?"

I have been talked into silence. His words are shocking and unsettling. He can't possibly think that, he can't because it is not true at all but I can't open my mouth to tell him that. His bitter laughter is heavy on the ears.

"I always knew I wasn't perfect and for years I felt I didn't deserve you. I wanted to be good enough for you, you are the biggest reason why I wanted to be better, I spent all this while learning how to love you right but I guess I got it all wrong. You only stayed to prove how kind and liberal you are". He begins leaving the bar but I don't let him go, I can't.

"Travis you are good enough for me, you are perfect. It is I who do not deserve you. You hear me? I am the undeserving one".
He attempts to move past me but I grip his shoulders and hold him in place.

"I am not trying to fix you. You do not need fixing".

"Is that your reason for leaving?"

"I am not leaving you! Please baby try to believe me, everything was a mistake. I love you, okay? I can't imagine my life without you Travis, can't you see it? I'm falling apart at the mere thought of it".

"Is everything okay?" Newt's voice is tentative in the background but it doesn't get me to tear my eyes away from the man I have under my grip that is so tight he should be squirming. I release my hold once I realize this but I do not let him go.

"Let's go for a run, Newt". His eyes are stormy and they stay on me.

"Your ankle". He shrugs off my hold and moves towards the back door. I want to turn around and watch him but the tears are rolling down already.

"Let's go, Newt". He calls out and the man mumbles out a complain but follows him anyway. It isn't long after their have left that I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Are you alright?" Zayn ask.

"He heard me talking to you earlier and now he thinks he is a project and I'm a user and_" Zayn's arms are around me before I completely fall apart. I shouldn't be like this, my mother would be ashamed. To Sarah Levinson, men are scum but they do not cry, no matter what.

"Do you think I am a horrible person?" I can feel him struggling slightly under my weight, so I move away.

"You are the sweetest Jake and that is fact".

"The sweetest cheat".

"Maybe, but it was never your intention". He watches me for a while as I try and fail to hold back my tears. "I don't know how I'm supposed to help you, Jake. I feel like this is beyond the Ingrid stuff".

My hands are scratching out train tracks in my head.
"I shouldn't have said those things. I should go after him".

"No". Zayn holds me back. "He has Newt with him and he needs to let out steam. You, go think about how you really feel".

I want to ask him what the hell he means by that. I feel like shit, like a huge fusion of a variety of shit and I don't want to think about it but he pats my shoulder lightly and walks away. The second I am left alone, all I can do is think so I take a seat at the bar and snatch up the glass Travis left behind.

    I take my best friend's advice and think hard and as the time passes, I realize that he is right, my problems with Travis extend beyond the situation with Ingrid and that is all my fault. When Travis gets back, he passes right by me with Newt struggling after him.

The latter stops by the bar and leans over dramatically.
"It's official, a pissed Harden is never good company".

It is fact. No one is good company when they are pissed but when it is a Harden, you keep off.
"I take it you are thoroughly exercised". I humor him.

"That man is a cheetah. Even with a sprained ankle". Travis does love to run and he has a way of working with pain.

Newt too retires too his room, leaving me alone. I make my way over to my room, hoping Travis is calm enough to listen to me but he is passed out on the bed I return to the living room and crash on the huge couch that can fit four people and it isn't long before I drift off.

******************************

       One thing about these trips is that you have to participate which is why I am not surprised to be awoken by a hard shove from Pokello. She gives me a gentle smile.

"The moon is out". She says and I realize that it is dark out.

"And?"

"We are sky watching and telling moonlight stories". Of course, Pokello loves moonlight stories, it's one of the few things she remembers about her mother and she'd do anything to keep her memory alive.

"Sounds fun".

"Of course. Now get out and listen to me talk about my favorite igbo legend".

"Is it the one about Okonkwo? I heard it a dozen times".

"It's Okonkwo". She adds more accent to it. "And you can make it a dozen and one. Out". There is something seriously scary about pregnant women.

I get off the couch and follow her outside where the air is cool.

Zayn is in sweatpants and a white polo sat on a lounge chair with Meghan settled on his laps laughing at something Newt said. The said man is sat on a small blanket that his wife joins him on and he wastes no time in wrapping his arms around her. Zayn's stare is questioning and I give him a small smile that I hope communicates to him that I am okay.

Travis isn't here, he's probably still sleeping or too angry for even Pokello to attempt getting him out here. I take a seat and Pokello continues her story. I have indeed heard it too many times but now with Newt's off point inputs and Meghan's continuous teasing, the whole thing sounds foreign and a lot more interesting.

We've completely gotten off Kello's story and are listening to Zayn spill hilarious information about a client that should be confidential when the back door slides open and Travis walks out with an air of freshness. His expression is uncertain and I know he is still embarrassed that everyone heard him lose his cool earlier.

"How long does it take to shower, Trav?" Though scolding, there is still playfulness in Pokello's voice.

"Don't act like you missed me". He doesn't move away from the door.

"Just sit down and stop interrupting". He glances at the empty seats lined at the corner but before he can move for them, Zayn speaks.

"You know what babe? I actually feel cold, why don't we go inside for a bit?" He shares a look with Meghan and she rolls her eyes before getting off him.

"You can have our seat Travis".

"Okay". He walks over and plop down on the seat that is at least three feet to my left.

I return my eyes to the retiring couple soon enough to catch Meghan give Pokello a look. What are they all up to? I find out in less than a minute when Pokello complain about back pain and ask Newt to give her a massage inside. Soon, I am out here alone with my boyfriend and it's almost laughable that I hadn't realized I needed help until now. I look over to him and he is already staring so I sigh.

"I am sorry, Travis".

"For what? Getting someone pregnant or using me?" I shut my eyes for a while and will myself to continue. It might not be sweet but truth must be told.

"I am not going to lie Trav, I liked having a reason to be your knight. I liked providing solutions to your problems but that doesn't mean I saw you as a problem. Yes, I feel a pull to people in need, like Ingrid. It was never about her looks or her gender, it was the fact that she had a problem and my armor was rusting from lack of use. With you it was different, it is different. I fell in love with you before I discovered any of the things you struggled with. I fell in love with your light and your smile and your passion but the need to solve problems, that is just who I am, it's the only way I feel relevant".

His eyes are soft as he looks over at me.
"I've gotta hook you up with my therapist". He says quietly and a laugh escapes me. He lets out a smile.

"Maybe". I agree. "I shouldn't have said those things Trav, you have been through a lot and come out stronger and I am happy and so proud. Just a little scared".

"You shouldn't be, because when I fell in love with you, it wasn't because you solved all my problems. I fell in love with the goofy giant who lights up rooms with his smile, eats pizza like a fat kid and gives me temporary amnesia with his kisses. So what you just happen to be a hopeless codependent? We can work with that or through it, depending on what you want. Just__ don't give up on us".

His voice is small and pleading and it breaks me, I should be the one begging.
"I cheated on you, Travis".

"And I believe you when you say it was a mistake. Let's chalk it up to karma finally catching up with me. Besides, Jake you are having a baby, you are going to be a father. How can I hate you for that? I really am happy for you".

This is unreal. Travis Harden isn't dumping my ass, my cheating, codependent ass. He is forgiving me. I get off my seat and kneel beside his so I can take his hands in mine.

"You don't have to do this, you have every right to be mad".

"And I was. Now I realize it will take more than I thought to separate me from you again. The day I leave you Jake is the day you tell me and I believe that you no longer love me".

"That day will never come". He grins at my expression and it's too good to be true.

"Can I kiss you?" My voice is a quiet whisper under the bright night sky.

"Yes". He nods firmly. "Please".

It feels like years, it always feels like years had passed since we last kissed everytime we kiss. Travis seems to melt into the kiss as I let out a sigh of relief. We should be like this forever, me and him against all odds, against ourselves.