I return home feeling like I got mauled by a truck. Pokello had promised to call me when I dropped her off and that just gave me something to dread. Travis's car is in the garage but what draws my attention is the BMW in the driveway with the driver still in it that fills me with a new sense of dread.

The house is quiet when I walk in but my eyes immediately find Travis at the counter separating the kitchen from the living room. There is a bottle of wine beside him and a half filled glass. He look from me to the living room where my mother is sat with demeaning eyes set on him, it's almost like she didn't hear me come in.

"Hi mom". I break her out of her trance and she plasters on that fake smile that she reserves for me. It's so bright you'd think she is happy to see me.

"Jacobson. You look well". Travis scoff from the counter and I squeeze my tired eyes shut to avoid sighing.

"You didn't tell me you were coming".

"Of course I did, it's in the email I sent you".

"Okay. I can't deal with this". Travis announces and disappears into the chill room.

"Why are you still with that rude boy?" Not this again.
My mother doesn't approve of Travis which is okay since she barely approves of me.

When the rumors of me being gay got out, she debunked every one with a pretty smile and a silent threat to sue everyone who dared call her perfect baby something so acrid;  I had to look up the word.

Sarah Levinson has always been about poise and colors, she definitely would have done better in the era of ballgowns and affluence, of galas and status quo not in this era of freedom and nonchalance. My mother cares a lot, about public opinion and reputation, it's why she was at a loss for ideas when I confirmed to her that I had been seeing Travis.

She didn't know how to accept that and she didn't want to be the mother that sent her only son to conversion therapy so she acted like I didn't exist for an entire month, then proceeded to fix me her own way by setting me up with the daughters of all her friends but everyone knew about Travis by then and I was just entertainment to most.

"Do you really care about that?"

"Of course I do. That boy is the only setback in your life".

"That boy is the only good thing in my life that I have somehow managed to__" I can't tell her anything about my life, she doesn't care about it.

As far as she is concerned, I have been polluted by homosexuality and the only reason she hasn't written me off is because she needs me to carry on the family's name, her name.

Nobody knows my father, he was an anonymous donor, unknown so unloved, as my mother likes it.

"What do you want?" She gives me a hard stare that slowly turns into a sickly sweet smile.

"Why don't you take a seat, son?" I do as she advice because it is always best to be seated for her news.

"Your manager informed me that you concluded your football tournament two weeks ago".
Benson would have ceased to be my manager ages ago for how easily he concedes to my mother but he is good at his job and I can't blame him. Only a few people like Travis can say no to her.

"That is correct".

"Why haven't you returned home?"

"This is my home". She looks around the house and gives a short laugh.

"Oh don't be silly, Jacobson. This stable is nothing compared to what you were raised in". I was barely raised but I don't point that out.

"I am quite content with this". Her stare is hard again.

"You have responsibilities. I need you back at the firm".

"What use is a footballer at a law firm?"

"You have a degree in business management".

"And you already have the best administrators working for you. Your firm cannot be more prominent. What exactly do you need me for?"

"To be my son". She loses her pretty composure for a second. "To be what you were born to be".

"Your heir".

"That's right". It gets old, it really does. Her rubbing it in my face that it was the only purpose for my existence.

"Well I'm sorry mother but I can't right now. I have more important things to deal with". Her eyes look like grenades just waiting to be thrown at me.

"What could be more important than our legacy?"

I look at the counter where the bottle of wine still sits open.

"The people we love, the people we can't afford to lose". She laughs mirthlessly.

"Love". She spits the word like it tastes bitter in her mouth. "You think that boy loves you? He is just fuelling your mad obsession until he gets bored and__"

"Please". It always gets to this point. She always let's me see her true self, she never hesitates with the hate and disapproval. No matter how flawless her makeup is, it always shines bright in her eyes.

"Fine". She rises to her feet and adjusts her pink and white patterned dress. "I didn't expect anything good from you anyway".

I am tired. I can't even keep my eyes open as she struts out, composure restored. I just want to be like this forever, away from everyone's judgement but mine because God knows it's more than enough.

     I think I fell asleep for a moment there because when I open my eyes again, Travis is at the counter, pouring another glass of wine. We don't own a bar and I have no secret stash of alcohol. When my friends come over, they have to bring their drinks so it only means he had gone through the trouble of going to buy some and this just makes me feel guilty.

I follow the glass to his lips and notice that his eyes are on me, like they have been watching me for a while. I can't look away because for once they aren't empty even though I can't name the emotions in them.

"What are you going to do about the baby?"

I am not sure I had been expecting him to speak and definitely not those words.
"What?" I stutter like an idiot.

"The baby. You have until next week. What are you going to do?" His voice is calm and levelled. He sounds more like himself and God I missed it.

"I don't know". He stares at me for a long while and I struggle not to move, then he blinks hard and look down.

"Don't let her kill it". My mouth goes dry as he looks up with red rimmed eyes. "Please".

I swallow so hard it's a miracle my tongue doesn't go down my throat.

"Okay".
He fills his glass up again and takes it towards the bedrooms.

********************

      I don't sleep all night, I lie there in my lonely bed and think of an unborn child whose life already lies in my hands. It's a terrible position to be in.

I won't lie, the thought of having kids have crossed my mind before, more than a few times, especially since my godson was born but it has always been brief and passive, so unremarkable I haven't even shared the thought with Travis who I've prayed to spend the rest of my life with.

Now the thought of it is scary because Travis might not be there to raise a child with me. No, he definitely won't raise a child I got from cheating on him. I don't even know if being a father at all is something he'd want.

I know I have been laid on the bed for hours but I don't realize just how long until Travis struts into the room with a towel tightly secured around his waist. The door had been left ajar as an attempt to catch him leaving but I guess it was useless. He walks straight to the closet and quietly pulls it open.

The sun isn't out yet and the bedside lamps are hardly practical but they cast a soft glow on his sculpted back muscles, muscles defined from years of hard labor and occasional basketball, the only sport he can tolerate. I watch quietly, almost holding my breath as he drops the towel and slips on a pair of boxers.

My body immediately responds, ignoring the guilt flowing through me. I don't deserve to see him like this, open, not after disregarding it. It still puzzles me how I'd want anything aside this mountain of chocolate goodness and I guess I have the alcohol to thank for that.

He pulls on a pair of cargo pants and I'm still staring as he snags a white button down and slips it on.

"Are you going to break up with me?" I don't know why I am asking this question. Anyone in his shoes would do exactly that.

His movements pause for a while, his hands hovering over his buttons. Then he is turning, too slowly to face me.

"What?" Again, his eyes are shadowed and I can't see them clearly.

"I mean I'd understand but Travis you have to know that_"

"Is that why you did it?" His voice is so cold it shuts me up instantly.

"Is that why you cheated on me?" He stresses the action. My action.
"To get me to break up with you? So you'd not be the asshole that broke up with the basket case".

"You are not a basket case". I finally find my voice again and he scoffs.

"Do not patronize me Jake".

"I am not_"

"How do you do this? How do you hurt me and still make me feel guilty for it?"

I am out of the bed before I realize it. In all our time together Travis has never admitted to me hurting him and the fact that he is now only shows how deeply he must be hurting. Now that we are inches apart, I can see his eyes and they tear me apart. They look so confused, so raw.

"Travis. I_" My hands stop short of his shoulders and we both stare at them.

"You can't even touch me". He says calmly and it's like a jolt to my heart.

"All I want to do is touch you. All I want to do is wrap you up and squeeze you tight till you understand that I'd never do anything to consciously hurt you and I am so sorry that I have and I never want to be without you but I can't".
Because I know I don't deserve you.

But he doesn't wait for me to say that. He is out the door with his unbuttoned shirt.

-------------------------------
See you on Thursday 🖤