Sleep was a funny thing for me last night. I didn't want to fall asleep especially after Travis locked himself in the guestroom instead of our bedroom. I spent over an hour leaned on the opposite wall staring at the door, willing it to open but not daring to knock no matter how much I wanted to.

Of course I wanted him to talk to me, even if it was to tell me that he hated me but I was scared that the next time he looked at me, it'd be with wild anger and I don't want that for him. I don't want him to lose his head because of me. The trick is figuring out what I really want.

I eventually returned to our empty, cold room filled with fragments of the person that he is but I couldn't bring myself to lie on the bed. I plopped myself on the floor with my back again the bed frame, resisting the urge to curl up to the pillows that smell like him.

It is pathetic how easily I cried over a mess I created, I deserve every bit of the hurt I feel and I am not going to run away from it but somehow last night, I fell asleep and woke with a stiff neck.

      The sun is already out when I open my eyes and I take a moment to get used to my surroundings. I am still on the floor, still in my clothes from yesterday, only now there is a light blanket over half my body.

I feel my heart constrict as I grip it. Travis must have come in at some point to get a change of clothes and I spring to my feet, heading straight for the guest bedroom. I knock and wait for a while but get no response.

"Travis". I sound like a congested pig but it doesn't matter, there is still no reply. I open the door carefully but I already knew he wouldn't be here. Holding on to a shard of hope, I make my way to the living room, then the kitchen, even the den that we renamed the chill room but he isn't here.

I fall into one of the bean bags and hold my head in my hands. What was I thinking? That he'd just sleep it off and wake me up with a kiss of forgiveness this morning? Fucking stupid.

I drag my hands down my face as I feel the silence in the house. Our house. Our home.

Getting Travis to agree to move in with me was a battle. For the first year after he got back from Casville, we stayed in different states, me in New York rounding up college and him here with Pokello, attending therapy and getting a move on his life.

It was fucking hard, not being able to walk with him through every step but we made it work with a shit ton of road trips and hours on Skype. What we had, it was solid, it was forever, well until I went and messed it up.

Moving down here after college was a given, it's not like I was going to go back to our hometown and work for my mother_which was her lifelong dream. The problem came when I told him my intentions to buy us a house.

I didn't really tell him, it just slipped out of my large mouth and he wouldn't let me treat him like a 'wife'. He had just opened his own garage with his savings and help from his older brother, Trevor.

I didn't think he was stable enough to buy a house but his stubborn ass wouldn't let me do it alone, even though I had enough money to do so, perks of playing for one of the biggest football clubs in the country.

Nevertheless, it felt good doing it together, seeing both our names on the deed, it felt like a big step towards our future together.

   Together. It's a funny word. Unification. Travis Harden is my better half, there has never been a moment where I thought differently. Even when it seemed like I had lost him, like I could move on, I still knew that he would hold the better part of me, the truest parts, something I can no longer identify.

My phone vibrates on the table and one look at it has my heart crashing down all over again. I swallow thickly before taking the call.

"Hi Kello".

"Hey genie. Are you ready?" Shit, I totally did not forget promising to accompany her for her final baby shopping.

"Ehm__ I just need a minute". I say, already heading to the bedroom to shower.

"You have ten to get here before I murder Queenie's mom".
Queenie's mom is her step mother in law. Relationships are crazy.

"That would just result in more dead bodies that might include yours".

"Not funny Jake. Just get here!" Pregnancy made her a banshee, not that she was a dove prior to it.

********************

      Pokello Harden was the kindred spirit I desperately needed when her brother vanished. She was the only one aside her brother that I truly opened up to. I mean I always knew I had Zayn to confide in but with privilege and a family like his, there were certain things he couldn't understand as easily as Kello did.

"We still don't know the sex of the babies, Newt wants it to be a surprise and man you know I hate surprises right?"
I nod as she looks through trolleys. Pregnancy also made her a parrot, I am usually the one talking away.

"Plus it'd be really helpful to know who I am designing the room for, yunno. I can't have my little niggress in a blue room".

"What's wrong with blue?" She cast me a look like its the dumbest question she has ever been asked and I concentrate on pushing the cart beside her.

It is nowhere near filled and I understand the reason she isn't going crazy with her shopping is because she got most of the basic requirements earlier and Meghan is letting her have most of the stuff she used when she had Conan, guess the little guy won't be getting any siblings soon.

I have to slow down a few times to stay in pace with her, at six months her tummy already looks like there are two bowling balls in it and I guess it's normal since she is expecting twins.

It didn't  really come as a surprise seeing as there are twins in both hers and Newt's families but it certainly doubled her joy.

She and Newt got married shortly after college graduation, she had her life all figured out and he didn't want to lose her.

"Jacobson!"

"Jesus, woman". I wince when she smack me over the head.

"Have I really been talking to myself all this while?" She looks halfway pissed.

"Did you need something?"

"I need to sit for a while. Let's get coffee".

"Are you allowed__" She is already walking towards the coffee shop before I can complete my question.

"Cream and sugar?" She yell over her head at me as I try to leave our cart with the salesperson at the baby store.

"Yeah".

She is already sitting with one sterofoam cup in front of her when I get to the coffee shop. Guess she forgot about mine.

"You need to see the stink eye that bitch gave me when I asked for black coffee". She doesn't keep her voice down as she glares at one of the waitresses.

"Are you having black coffee?"

"What? No, I hate that shit". I sigh involuntarily, she confuses me a lot these days.

Pokello has always been straightforward and honest in a really cool way that I thought was above my level. It still surprises me sometimes how we became friends.

"Alright, spill".

"What?" I look at her dumbly.

"What has been bothering you all day. I can see it Jake, I'm not blind". Fuck.

Somehow the thought of telling Pokello is more terrifying than it was for anyone else. Maybe because I know she'd be the most disappointed and probably most likely to smash a bottle over my head.

"Jake. It's that serious?" She is scooting forward and it takes all my will not to stand and bail.

"What's going on?" Her deep voice is unusually low.

"Pokello. I hurt Travis". Her eyes are calm and calculating as she watches me like she knows this is more than a little fight.

"How?" I look away from her eyes, seeing the disappointment there in a few seconds will be too much.

"I_ I cheated on him".
Suddenly the chatter in the mall is too loud. She stays quiet for too long that I'm forced to look at her and I regret my existence immediately. There is confusion in her eyes but the anger reigns over it.

"Pokello". She leans away from me and let's out a dry laugh.

"At least now I have a reason to end this brutal shopping". She pushes her seat back and storm out of the shop without another glance at me.

This is what heartbreak feels like, like you've been dropped in the middle of the desert with a shadow of yourself that you don't understand as your only company.

I hear her storm back in and prepare myself to have my skull split open but all she does is stand in front of me.

"What are you waiting for? Take me home". She order and I spring to my feet, walking ahead of her to the parking lot. She gets in the car slowly and looks out the window the entire ride back.

"Does he know?" I nod, then realize she still isn't looking at me.

"He does". She sighs heavily.

"Why?" She finally cast me a look. "Why did you do it?"

"I'm sorry". Is all I can manage to whisper after a while.

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