One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.
- Paulo Coelho

       We ended up going to the park, as cheesy as that sounds but the real reason was the hot weather, it only got worse in confined spaces.

We were laid out on the grass, gazing up at the sky, listening to each other breathe, ignoring the uncertainties for a while until he spoke.

"I blamed myself". I turned to face him but he just kept staring up.

"I knew everything you were going through, maybe I didn't understand it but I didn't do enough to help you".

"You can't force somebody to heal, Jake".

"Yeah but you give them a reason, you give them something to try for".

"And you gave me enough, you gave me yourself".

"Maybe that was the problem, maybe it was too much for you".

"No, it was never really about you or what I felt for you, it was about me and all the hatred and anger I carried, I still carry. I didn't think I had a problem, I thought I was the problem. I thought my mama wouldn't have died if I had just gone upstairs as she asked, I thought I failed her. What happened to her, it messed me up. You can't fix a man that doesn't want to be fixed".

"I'm sorry I didn't do enough to help you with what you were dealing with. It's just, you made it seem like it wasn't that serious". He adjusted so he was facing me.

"You asked me to get professional help and I smashed a bottle against the wall because I didn't want help, I wanted to suffer".

He took my hand in his and I sighed.

"What do you see in me? I have only hate in my heart".

"No, you have love that you are scared to give because some people you loved got hurt and it hurt you and I know what that feels like, I feel it whenever I look at you. Travis, you might think that hurting the people you love is the most painful thing but it's not. The most painful shit out there is watching the person you love hurt themselves for reasons that are beyond them. Losing a person to death sucks but losing them to themself? To their own thoughts and demons, you never heal from that. That is what will happen to me, to Pokello if you don't find your way back to us, the guilt of not doing enough will eat us alive".

I squeezed his hand as I fought back tears but he didn't let go.

"You wanted to know why I left? I left because I felt I was no longer needed, because Trevor and Kello had lost brothers and the one left was a murderer".

"You are not a murderer". He quickly countered.

"But I could have been and I didn't want them to live with the stigma. I'm messed up, I've always known that and I've done a lot of shit I regret but I regret running the most. My pops was right, I'm not different from him but I want to be".

"You are nothing like your father Travis, stop saying that". He said sternly.

"I don't know who I am anymore but I'm not going to deny that I am gay and I love you".

It was scary how easily those words slipped out. I hadn't owned my sexuality verbally and though I always knew how I felt about Jake, I tried not to say it out loud, especially not to him but saying it felt freeing, like it had been stuck in my throat for too long.

He smiled softly.
"There was a time I didn't know who I was too". He confessed, much to my surprise.

"How did you figure it out?"

"You left. And while that gave me time to figure out who I was without you, it also showed me that it isn't something you just know, it's something you learn everyday".
I smiled because that actually sounded doable.

"So jake, what did you learn about yourself today?"
He laid on his back and stared up in contemplation.

"Well, I learned that I love summer".
"Are you serious? It's fucking 90 degrees out here".

"Shut your exaggerating ass. I love it cause it forces you to wear tank tops every other day".
I laughed.

"You checking out my guns? Albert said I look like a fleshless skeleton with muscles". Jake chuckled.
"He says crazy stuff like that all the time. Now stop interrupting".

"Right. Go on".
"Thank you. I really hate motels". I laughed.

"My room looks like the CSI has been there at least seven times". It is safe to say I snorted.

"Yeah, go on. Just laugh at my pain".
"Sorry, continue". I wheezed.

"And I really do not like your next door neighbor".
"You mean sweet Mrs. Bradley?"

"Yeah. The amount of sweetness she oozes can give me diabetes". Again, I laughed.

"She said I was a waste of good looks and sperm. She even advised me to get married and have cute kids even if I still want to keep shagging you on the side".

"Jesus, she crazier than I thought".
"And dimwitted too, watch out for the holy oil".
We laughed loudly into the quiet night, after which we just laid there, smiling at each other.

"I also want a fresh start". I told him. "With you".

"Yeah?" He grinned and I nodded.

"I have anger issues, maybe a drinking problem and some definite mental illnesses but I'll get help, I promise. I will get better, I want to". He grabbed my hand again.

"So we do this together?"

"We take it slow". I stated.

"When has that ever worked for us?"

"Never because you are so fucking impatient".
He punched my shoulder.

"I'm not the one sending pictures of us to your girlfriend". He retorted.

"For how long are you gonna use that one?"

"What? Are you upset that I know you are a possessive love struck puppy?"

"There is absolutely nothing puppy-like about me".

"Aside your cute pouts and doe eyes and... "

"Shut the fuck up". I placed my hand over his mouth, muffling his laughter.

We splayed back on the grass and watched the sky, he watched the sky and I watched his perfect face glowing with joy that I had somehow given him and it made me proud to know that a strong man like Jake could derive joy from being with me.

"Seriously though". He turned at the sound of my voice, knocking my breath out with the intensity of his eyes.

"We take it slow". I croaked and he smiled coyly.

"Okay". He whispered into the night. "So, my place or yours?"

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Ah, sweet sweet Jake, I need a you in my life😖
Early update! Tryna wrap this up before the end of the month.
Just one chapter left!!!