We get lost in distractions, act out in frustration, react with aggression, give in to anger.
- Klaus Mikaelson.

    I had nightmares. I guess you would too if you'd watched two people you cared about die and almost killed one yourself.

I used to drink, hoping that I'd be too wasted to dream and when that stopped working, I switched to drugs, sleeping pills and other stuff but that too reached its expiry date.

No one knew about my nightmares, until Jake and he was so chill about it. He said his best friend had them too and he wouldn't get help either. He said we were similar; headstrong and punishing ourselves unjustly.

I didn't want to have anything in common with his best friend, I didn't want to be just a reminder of what he couldn't have. I didn't want him to feel like he had to save me.

I didn't want him in my mess, I didn't want to want him but sometimes it felt like I needed him.

"He is not here"

I felt heavy, immobile.

"He is not coming back".

Sinking, drowning.

"You are just like me".

Suddenly I began moving, flailing.

"They are just memories".

Deep breaths.

"They are not who you are".

I was being tossed.

"He is a brave boy".

Left, right.

"Let it go".

My eyes flew open and it took me a second to realize that I was panting, lying amidst my damp sheets. I lay there for a while, catching my breath, wondering how I ended up here.

I'd had too much to drink, the banging headache was a souvenir but I was concerned about how I hadn't ended up thrown out on the streets.

The sun was already out, even though it was just 7:00am. I still had two hours before I had to be at the garage so listening to my stomach grumblings for once, I made pancakes with the ingredients that most have been nearing expiration.

     It was Friday and Janice was on one of her days off so I walked straight to the backroom, not bothering to say hi to the girl who was manning the front desk, they got changed every other week.

I was the first one there, Hero was working the second shift and none of the other guys were particularly punctual. They all came in together and I was still at the backroom because there had been no customers yet.

"I always thought he was weird". One of them said as they filed in.

"Swears, I can't believe he a fa..."
They all paused as they saw me.

"What's up?" I lifted a brow in confusion and they dispersed, leaving Kazeem there to glare at me.

I sighed and walked past him outside, not feeling up for his drama.

The rest of the day was like that with them ignoring me, gathering in groups to drink and whisper among themselves.

It didn't really bother me, I was grateful to be left alone but what I didn't appreciate was Kazeem's pettiness; staring me down and 'accidentally' spilling beer on me but I kept it all under lock and key, focusing on getting through the day.

It all went to hell at the end of our shift. Hero had just clocked in and we were all at the back room getting changed.

"Yo Travis, you think you can step out?" Luke said and I gave him a blank look.

"Yeah T, can't blame a guy for feeling uncomfortable around..."

"Kazeem!" Hero cut him off.

"What? Whitee? Gotta call a spade a spade". He said as he eyed me before moving out with the rest of the boys.

Hero sighed.
"Sorry man, I know they musta given you trouble all day". He apologized and I frowned.

"Yeah. I don't know what's up with them".

"Not everyone is open-minded but you ain't got to mind them, it's nobody's business".

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"The photo". He stated.

"What photo?"

"The one Monique posted on her Instagram?" He seemed a little confused now.

"I don't do social media". His eyes widened in realization.

"Oh man". Now I was freaking out. If that girl took a pic of my dong, I swear to God.

"What's going on? What photo?"

He got out his phone, scrolled through it for a while before sticking it in my face and I froze.

Everyone knew. It was as clear as day. From Jake's dyed blonde hair to my left ear piercing.

Everyone could clearly see that it was Jake and I, locking lips at the parking lot of the pub.

"I. How".

"I'm sorry man. I know you didn't want it to happen like this".

My legs were moving, towards the door, through the work space where the boys were still gathered, watching me.

I was almost out to the front when someone said something.

"Hey faggy".

I paused, trying to will my body to just keep moving ahead but that wasn't going to work. When I turned around, I noticed Tommy's grinning face, he was seated atop his new ride that I hadn't noticed before.

I walked to him, fist clenched.

"Got something to say?... Fag".
The sound of shattering glass echoed in the garage.

"What the hell?!" Tommy yelled, grabbing the back of his head that I had slammed against his back windshield.

"I am not a fag". I punched his nose and he fell to the ground.

"You are crazy!"
I delivered a kick to his torso, earning a groan from him.

I could feel it now, the rage I had spent all day pushing down. It had taken over and I wasn't stopping it.

"Travis!" Someone finally grabbed me and from the strength of his grip, I knew it was Hero.

"Breathe". He instructed.
"Calm down". But I didn't want to be calm so I broke out of his hold.

"I. Am. Not. A. Fag". I reinstated before walking off.

       It felt like every pair of eyes on the street was stuck on me, judging me. I felt pointed fingers that I couldn't see and it made me want to scream, so I did, inside the empty St. Dominic's church.

"Can't I have peace?" I took steady steps towards the beautiful altar.

"What do you want? Can't I get a break from this suffering?"

Even the statue of Jesus nailed to the cross looked beautiful, like He found peace in His suffering.

"Even your suffering ended so why can't mine?"

"Aren't you supposed to take our pain away? Didn't you die for our sins?!"

I was at the foot of the altar now, listening to the echo of my voice in the vast space.

"Are my sins really so bad even death cannot atone them?"

"What do you want from me? I have nothing left except my life. You can have that. Take it!"

"Take it and let me be free".

"I don't want the voices anymore, the memories".

"I'm tired". I fell to my knees, feeling the rage evaporate.

I needed someone to say something and I knew God wouldn't. Mom said He only spoke to the pure hearted, like Samuel in the Bible, He made them His dwelling place.

I was filthy, undeserving.

"Son". I was startled but managed to look up. There was a priest before me, he looked young, early thirties with worry lining his face.

"Hi". I said and he smiled.

"Hi. I heard you from the sacristy. I don't know what your burdens are but I'd like to help you with it if you'd talk to me".

I tried to force on a smile.

"Sure. Why not?" I rose and took a seat on the front pew with him.

"So. What is your problem?"

"I met someone". I breathed and he nodded.
"Someone beautiful, who literally lights up my world with sunny smiles. Being with this person, I felt alive, like I was worth something.

I hurt them, severally but this person takes it, over and over again, despite all my flaws and sins and I don't understand it".
The priest smiled.

"That sounds like love to me and from the look in your eyes, I think you love them too".

"But God says it's wrong".
"What?"

"When I was eight, the preacher said it was wrong, that boys aren't supposed to kiss boys. I'm not supposed to love Jake, God hates it, God hates me, it is a sin, my mama would be disappointed".

He sighed and leaned closer to me.
"What is your name?" He asked.
"Travis".

"Travis. God can never hate you, He created you in His image. Hating you would mean hating Himself".

"But I hate myself".

"Why do you do that?"

"Because I hurt people".

"And you feel guilty. You punish yourself, you don't let yourself forget but God is  merciful. He forgives and admonishes us to do the same, to our neighbors and ourselves".

"What about the sins that we are bound to repeat?"

"A holy man sins seven times a day, Travis".

"I love Jake more everyday. I used to tell myself that I'd fight it, that it'd go with time but the truth is that I don't want it to go, I don't want to stop loving him and I know that condemns me. I just feel like I insulted my mother's upbringing".

"Travis. Love is the greatest gift of God and God is infinite in His mysteries so no man can entirely say he knows the way of God but we can do our best to keep his precepts and one of those includes love.

For me, you can never be wrong in the side of pure love, like the one you feel for Jake".

I felt the tears roll down and the kind man was quick to hug me.

"I'm tired".

"It's okay to be tired. Guilt is a huge burden to carry. Let it go".

I hadn't expected relief when I walked through the doors of the church but I guess mom was right when she said there is peace in His presence.

"If this boy loves you the way I think he does, don't you think it's time you start loving yourself?"
I let out a huge breath and he smiled.

"Pray with me".

----------------------------------------------------
Just a reminder; negativity will be swiftly eliminated, so don't even waste your time.

Anyways, three chapters to go.💃💃
I'm so excited for the end of this book because I have some great suggestions(i hope) and I can't wait to hear your opinions.