"oh, you're in my veins, and I cannot get you out..."

***

"Jungkook?"

"Y/N." He repeats my name and I feel like I can't breathe.

It can't be. This is impossible.

I reach my unsteady hand towards his hood, grasping on its edge and pulling it back to unveil his face. My trembling fingers brush off his soft brown hair.

His lips are still slightly parted, his heavy breathing sends a breeze towards my face. His eyebrows are curved, his eyes widened, giving his face a somewhat apologetic and remorseful look.

"I had to see you." He says softly and suddenly cups my cheeks, stroking the area under my eyes. I hold my breath, my gaze not leaving his, and without me realizing it, a lonely tear makes its path towards my cheek, landing on Jungkook's thumb.

He's here. He's really here.

Jungkook's deep eyes trace the droplet on my face and he gulps loudly. He looks sad and afflicted and I can't help but notice he's even lost a bit of weight. His unzipped hoodie reveals his thin black shirt, glued to his chest and abdomen.

"Y/N." He rasps. "Say something. Please."

I pull my face away from the grasp of his palms, lowering my gaze and letting my hair fall in front of my eyes. I feel my chin tremble and instinctively clench my jaw.

"Why are you here?" Is all I can force on myself to say. The lump stuck in my throat presses on my vocal cords, making my voice sound stealthy and faint.

Jungkook seems like he's lost in his own head, nibbling on his lower lip. He pinches the root of his nose, his forehead wrinkled. He sighs with frustration.

"Was that such a hard question?" I raise my head faintheartedly, avoiding his eyes. I fear I wouldn't be capable of thinking straight if I meet his gaze. Hell, I'm even afraid to hear the answer to my question.

"I knew it was wrong," Jungkook's voice falters, "But I couldn't stand the idea of not seeing you."

I finally raise my eyes to meet his and my legs go weak at the sadness in his eyes. I start to hear my heart pound in my ears, my vision becomes blurry as my orbs quickly fill with tears.

"You knew it was wrong?" I snap at him. "Tell me, Jungkook, what did you think was right? Disappearing on me with no explanation whatsoever, leaving me to suffer and wonder what the hell is wrong with me?"

I see the muscles around his mouth start twitching and his wide eyes glisten with tears under the dim street lights.

"I'm sorry. Y/N, you have no idea how sorry I am." Jungkook whispers, his voice shaky. He takes a step towards me but I don't move an inch, and instead stay stiff as a board. "I will never forgive myself for what I've done to you. I hurt you so much. You have no idea-"

"No, you didn't hurt me." I'm trying my best to keep my voice low. "Jungkook, you crushed me. You devastated me."

I choke on my words and clear my throat exasperatedly.

"So I think it's safe to say I will never forgive you either."

Jungkook gasps and his face breaks into a painful expression. He grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me in his arms. I let my body loose, almost crumbling in his embrace.

"You broke me." I feel my heart shattering all over again and I start sobbing quietly. His grip on my body becomes tighter and tighter and I feel something wet fall on the back of my shirt.

"I'm sorry," he keeps repeating these two words, which only send me deeper into this whirlwind of agony that has taken over me.

"Where were you?" I yelp, desperately trying to stop my tears from falling down. "Where were you, Jungkook?"

I pull away from his warm body, trembling with frustration. My heart is racing, threatening to jump out of my chest. Jungkook's awful silence is driving me crazy, his empty hollow eyes staring at me look like dark holes that are sucking the life out of my body.

"Are you not going to tell me?" I push, not even caring how pathetic I sound. The anguish that his departure has left in me has emerged anew, making me feel like I'm reliving this chaos over and over again.

"I'm sorry." He deadpans again.

I fold my arms in front of my chest, digging my nails in them so hard it causes me pain.

"Are "I'm sorry" all the words you know?"

Jungkook sighs helplessly, my eyes are burning holes through his face.

"I had to. I can't- I can't tell you."

I feel my chest filling with blind rage in a matter of seconds and my sadness is replaced by fury. A chaotic pile of emotions that have been stocked deep inside of me now start fighting for my attention, making me all the way more confused and infuriated.

"You can't tell me? After all this time, after everything you and I have been through, you still can't give me a reason why you left?"

Jungkook clenches his jaw and presses his tongue to the inside of his cheek. He furrows his eyebrows pitifully and looks apologetically at me, his eyes still watery.

"Y/N..." He mumbles and takes my hand in his gently, stroking it with his thumb.

I yank it off abruptly and he takes a step back.

"Don't "Y/N" me! Why, Jungkook?" I swat my fists against his chest. I'm mad at him, hell, I'm furious. But one thing I can't deny is that seeing his face and feeling his touch only made me realize how much I've been missing him, how much I've been craving him.

He's here. But as I gather, soon enough he'll leave again. He isn't here to stay.

He's here, but he's not back.

Seeing him again in such a long time once again only made the thought of someone taking him away from me for the second time all the more painful.

He grabbed my wrists, raising them to my sides in order for me to stop hitting him.

"Y/N, you have to stop looking for me. Please, you have to promise-"

"Why?" I moan. "Why is it so hard for you to tell me what's going wrong?"

"I just can't! You're making this harder than it already is, Y/N. Please!" He begs.

Jungkook presses his lips in a thin line, his eyes not leaving mine.

"You said you loved me to death, remember?" I snivel, looking up to his face. "Did you stop loving me?"

My chest heaves in sync with my heavy breathing as my thoughts crash into my brain. I release myself from his loose grip and cross my arms in front of my chest, the words hesitating on my lips.

"Is there another person, Jungkook?" I breathe. "Is that what it is?"

He lets out an exasperated sigh and suddenly presses me towards the cold damp wall behind us, his hips pushing towards mine. I flinch at the cold surface against my back.

"Are you out of your goddamn mind?" He growls. "Y/N, you're- you're everything to me. I could never love another girl."

"Then what the hell is it, Jungkook, tell me!" I plead. "Because all this secrecy is driving me mad!"

"I can't tell you, Y/N!" He yells out heatedly, landing his fist to the wall next to my body as I scan his face with my eyes cautiously. "I can't tell you, okay?"

"Why?" I exclaim. "Why can't you tell me?"

"Because they'll go after you too." Jungkook groans.

I gasp in shock, covering my mouth with my hand.

"Who?" I whisper, my eyes widened from the shock. "Who will?"

He averts his gaze and bites his lip anxiously.

"You can't know this. The less you know, the better. Please let this go, Y/N."

"I'm not letting anything go until you tell me everything." I straighten up my shoulders and raise my chin in a desperate attempt to look stronger.

I can see that Jungkook's already at the top of his frustration.

"You can't be linked to me anymore, okay, Y/N?" He cries out, grabbing me by the elbow, his face so close to me that he touches my nose with his. "It's for the better this way. They'll hurt you and I can't let this happen. I'll literally die if something happens to you because of me!"

"Well, that's too late." I deadpan, not having any idea what any of the words that come out his mouth mean. "Because I'm already dead inside, Jungkook. You broke my heart."

Jungkook growls angrily, cupping my cheeks again with one of his hands, his face inches away from mine. His eyes are pinned to mine and I can see a dangerous fire burning in them.

"Goddamit, Y/N." He breathes. "You never quit, do you?"

Next thing I know, he crashes his lips into mine and starts kissing me with such passion that my knees become weak.

All the muscles in my body tighten and I pull away from the kiss, still panting. Jungkook throws me a puzzled look, taken aback by me rejecting his kiss.

"Jungkook, no..." I rasp, images of Taehyung's face running through my mind and a new wave of a new, totally different emotion washes over me this time.

It's guilt.

Jungkook exhales heavily and runs his fingers through his hair.

"We have to talk." He says firmly, his expression hardened. "I have to go now, but we'll talk. I'll explain everything to you. I promise."

With a certain hope in his eyes, he takes my hand and slightly squeezes it.

"No one can know you saw me. You get it? No one." He emphasizes on the last words and I flinch.

"Okay."

I nod slowly and watch him take a step towards the darker part of the alley. I still stand there, completely dumbfounded.

"How- how are we going to meet?" I call out after him.

He glances at me over his shoulder before putting his hood back on.

"You'll see."