Jean drove towards Anthony's house, the pumpkin pies sitting on the passenger seat. She was thankful for his family, they had become like her own and she was happy to have them during the holidays. They didn't know all the details of her family situation; just that they weren't very involved and Jean didn't spend holidays with them.

Jean remembered when her parents told her they were leaving. The company they were in was expanding and opening new locations down south. They accepted their new positions and told
Jean that they would be moving within the month. Things weren't very clear if Jean was invited to tag along, but their inability to ask her what her plans were proved to her her they probably didn't want her to. Jean had just enrolled in college and was taking classes; she needed to finish out the semester before she could even decide if moving states was possible. She stayed with Jasmine for a couple weeks while she tried to figure things out. When her parents never reached out to ask where she ended up living, it became clear how much they didn't care. Either didn't care or were so wrapped up in their own lives they forgot about hers. She got the cheapest apartment she could find with a roommate who would be married in a couple years and leave Jean to herself.

It had been six years since they left, and she still hadn't seen them, unless you counted the obligatory video calls they did on each other's birthdays and Christmas. When they talked about what's new at school and work and if she was dating anyone. They always encouraged her to find a boyfriend so she wouldn't be alone.

She arrived at Anthony's apartment and took a deep breath as she thought about the drastic difference in quality. Anthony's apartment was much nicer than hers. His had a patio that faced a creek and had a nice view of an oak tree. Hers had a balcony that overlooked a pool. The summers were great, getting woken up by screaming kids at the break of dawn. It wasn't the best, but she could afford it and that was what mattered.

Anthony buzzed Jean in. She dropped her duffel bag by the door and he took the pies from her to put in the fridge.

"What time did you want to leave in the morning?"

"No later than seven."

Jean moaned and threw her head back as she collapsed on the couch. "Why?"

Anthony chuckled and came back to pull her into his arms. "For a barista, you shouldn't hate mornings as much as you do."

"It's why I need a career change."

Anthony sat down next to Jean and put his arm around her. "What would you do?"

Jean relaxed against his chest and thought for a second. "I wish I knew." It wasn't like Anthony, who knew exactly what he wanted to do since the beginning of high school. It was one of the things she adored most about him; if he wanted something, he would get it. He didn't let life get in his way. He was motivated and never gave up.

"Maybe a firefighter, or a police officer," Anthony said enthusiastically.

She chuckled against his chest. "I always wonder if the people who go into those careers knew since Kindergarten and gave the same answer then."

"Doubt it, I bet when they were five they said customer service representative."

"They should do a study."

Jean sat with Anthony's arms around her, staring at the wall across the room. She didn't know what she wanted to do. She could never picture herself as anything. When she thought about her future, that part of it was always blank. She knew she wanted a family and children, but even the thought of being a stay at home mom felt wrong. Would she even be capable of being a good mother?

"Do you want kids?" Jean asked.

Anthony laughed to himself before answering. "Why are you asking?"

Jean turned and looked at him. "I mean if you're truly serious about spending the rest of your life making sure I always have enough bobby pins, maybe we should at least talk about it."

Anthony didn't skip a beat. "Of course. One day, not anytime soon."

Jean turned back and leaned her back against his chest. "Yeah, one day."

Anthony sighed. "You'd make a great mom."

Jean felt her stomach turn and she didn't know if it was a good feeling or not. She loved that Anthony was picturing her as a mother, but the thought terrified her more than anything. Would she be able to raise decent humans? Would she give them the loved they needed? If she ever did find out what she wanted to do, was it selfish to work when she had kids that needed her?

"It's hard to picture myself as a mom. If I'm a mom, I really can't be anything else," Jean said.

"That's not true. Most parents work these days." Anthony said.

She bit her lip. The whole thing made her uncomfortable. She remembered the long days at school and the hours before and after at daycare. There were a couple days when she was the first one dropped off and the last to be picked up. She would eat dinner with her parents and then go to bed. Sometimes they were so wrapped up with their workday she couldn't pull them from their conversations.

She would never do that to her kids. She pulled away from Anthony for a second and looked across the room.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," Jean whispered. "Just thinking."

Anthony reached forward and touched her cheek. He moved across the couch and planted his lips on hers. Kissing him made her forget about everything, and whether or not he used that to her disadvantage, right now she didn't care. She moved her hands through his hair and he laid her down. He kissed her neck when she felt him unbutton her jeans.

"What are you doing?" she breathed, pulling away from his lips. She gathered herself up, pulling the hair out of her face and fixing the button.

"I'm sorry, it was just out of habit."

"Habit?" Jean said. "It's been a while since you've done that, I hope."

"That's not what I meant," Anthony said, getting visibly angry. "It's just easy to get carried away. We've been together for so long now—"

She pulled back from him and moved back on the couch, heat rising in her face. This wasn't the first time he'd tried something, but it had been a while. "I told you before we started dating, and you said it was fine."

"Yeah, but a lot of people who say that at least give them...something."

Jean was humiliated. She stood up from the couch and moved across the room. She had no idea he was still harboring this resentment in him. She thought they were past this.

"I want to wait, Anthony. You know this." Why was he doing this now?

"And I want to feel like I'm in an adult relationship."

She stopped breathing. She stared at him from across the room and she could feel her hands begin to shake.

"An adult relationship," Jean said. "So unless we have sex, we're just little kids playing around? Maybe we should try for that baby, too, since we're so adult."

"Stop it."

"I told you in the beginning—"

"I know," Anthony yelled, combing his hands through his hair in frustration. He was getting louder. "You wanna wait until you get the ring."

"Until I'm married, Anthony."

"What's the difference?"

Jean laughed without humor. She looked at him and shook her head, laughing at the whole thing. "I need to go," she said, walking across the room and grabbing her duffel bag. "I'll be back in the morning."

She didn't give him a chance to react as she slammed the apartment door behind her. She stormed down the hallway, listening for the door to open and for him to come after her as she refused to look back. To her disappointment, he didn't. She stormed across the parking lot to her car, got inside, and pressed her head against the steering wheel. She couldn't help the tears as she buried her face into her arms.

Why was it still so hard for her? She wasn't religious by any means, but she had always felt in her heart that she should wait until she was married. To save that part of her for one person. If Anthony even knew the extent of what she had been through, he wouldn't question it. Would he even listen though? It wasn't very often they had heart to hearts.

He made her feel guilty. She told him after a week of dating, before he asked her to be his girlfriend, about her desire to wait. He accepted the challenge with a smile and said it wasn't a problem. He totally respected her wishes, and she felt it. Things were fine until around the six month mark, when Anthony verbalized his frustrations. Jean ended things, knowing it wouldn't work. Anthony ended up calling her just two days later and apologized. It hadn't been a problem since.

This was her fault; she shouldn't have agreed to spend the night. She thought it might give him ideas, but it's not like they hadn't spent the night together before. Maybe since he teased her with the proposal, he thought she would cave knowing it would happen soon anyways. Why couldn't he just respect her wishes and understand that it wasn't something that was so out of the ordinary. Right?

Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it was unfair to lead him on like this, to kiss him but let it stop there. Now they were fighting and she had to spend the next day with his family and drive three hours with him alone. If she just decided to give in, it would make him happy. Was it really that big of a deal?

She knew in her heart that she was in the right, but the voice inside her told her otherwise.

She looked out her back windshield to see if he was coming before starting the car to leave.

He wasn't.