(Y/N's POV)

He was drifting away from me.

I could feel him slipping away from my grip. I could feel the distance between us growing, further and further apart of each other even when he was next to me. Even when we were at the same room and on the same bed.

He was in pain. I knew that he had so much going on and it was hurting him. I could feel it without him telling me, I could see it in his eyes, felt it when he was sleeping next to me. He used to let me know every single pain he was having, he used to let me see everything. He used to let me hold him in my arms when he was too weak to face his demons, when he sat on the floor of our bathroom or on the corner of our bed. I used to be his cure, his shelter, just how I let him be mine. Until everything just stopped.

He stopped sharing his pain, constantly hiding his tears away from me and would only look at me with unreadable stare. I could still feel his pain but his eyes would emit regrets, if not diverting his gaze away from me when I tried to speak to him. He stopped touching me, as if I would break by his touch, as if I was too fragile, easily broken against his darkness. And he started to push me away - the more I tried to help him, to get him to open up to me again, the more further from me he became.

He locked himself inside the bathroom one night. He used to come home or leave to work by greeting me with a kiss and a deep hug to release his stress, and that night he only came home with a mumble of I'm back over his sullen face and his slouched shoulders. I sat on the bed as he locked himself in for a whole hour. I had tried my best, knocking the door to make sure he was alright and convinced him to let me in, but he didn't budge, so I waited. There was no other sound coming through the door but the sound of water running, but I knew what he was doing. I knew that he was hiding his tears.

He came out of the bathroom without a word, looking away from me immediately although I did manage to catch a glimpse of the apologetic look showing in his eyes for a few seconds. "Why are you still up?" He said to me with his eyes looking down.

"I'm waiting for you," I answered him, biting my lips to calm my nerves because I knew it would be best to not get emotional. "Have you eaten anything? I can get you something to eat before we go to bed."

He stopped for a moment, standing by the side of the bed, letting out a sigh before flickering his eyes towards me. "No, thanks. Let's just go to sleep, okay?" He said finally, getting on the bed and settled down under the blanket.

"Okay."

I watched him, laying down next to me. I stayed awake that night, staring at his back that was facing me as he slept. He was there so close to me, yet untouchable to my own two hands. And as the night went by, I hated myself because I felt so powerless and insecure. I could feel him drifting further away, and I was not able to reach out and force him to come back.

I watched him sleep that night, cursing to myself for letting him push me away. I silently cried because at that night I knew. I was losing him. And I had no power to stop it from happening.

✤✤✤

I found somebody else.

I knew something like this would happen. I could see it coming but I wasn't prepared for it to actually happened. He was standing on the doorway after disappearing for a few nights. He wasn't home for a couple of days and I had myself thinking he was away busy with work, instead of finding his way to be in someone else's arms.

"Tell me it's a lie. Please tell me you are lying," I begged him over and over again. Begging to him, to myself, to the universe that it wasn't true.

"Y/N, I-"

"Why? Why- What have I done wrong? Am I not enough? What did I do, Yoongi? Why-"

"It's not- I'm sorry-"

"Tell me what I've done wrong. Please- Why are you doing this?"

He looked away and I couldn't see what was on his mind. I fell on the floor, losing every bit of power I ever had in me. Feeling my body and my soul broken into pieces to his words, at the fact that he was standing there and he was telling me that he was no longer mine. "I think I should go. Goodbye, Y/N."

"No, please don't leave me. Yoongi, please- You can't leave me like this, please-"

No matter how much I begged, how much I questioned him, all that my words could do was push him away more and more. I was powerless. As I watched him walked out of the door through the tears that was taking over my sight, as the silence grew in that apartment the moment the door was closed shut, I could feel and hear my soul shattering into pieces, our home that we built together crumbling into nothingness.

I lost him.

✤✤✤

"That fucking bastard!"

A glass was thrown to the wall across the room. I was shaking harder than I was before and I wanted to cry even more, but I tried to control myself as I watched my best friend walking back and forth in my living room, pacing with anger. "Taehyung, please. He's- He's gone. It's my fault. I don't-"

"No, no, no- Don't say that-" He suddenly calmed, walking towards me while I sat on the couch and he caught me in his arms. "He's the coward. He's the one that chose to walk away instead of fighting for you," he kneeled in front of me holding both my trembling hands between his.

"He's right." I looked up to see Jungkook standing against the wall, gritting his teeth while he spoke to me, "Don't blame yourself. I don't know what's going on in his mind, but we'll get through this together, okay?"

I blinked my tears away and nodded. I still felt weak and lost but having them with me gave me strength. They have been there with us - Yoongi and I - from the beginning, and they were the only people who knew what we've been through. And they were the first people I met, the first to hear what happened after Yoongi left, but I was only able to face them a few weeks after the whole debacle had passed.

"Come with us tonight," Taehyung said to me, rubbing his thumb above my forearm. "You've been locked up in this place for too long, we need to get you out. We're meeting some friends tonight, it'll be fun."

"Friends? Won't he be there?" I looked up between Taehyung and Jungkook, back and forth. He was also their oldest friend after all.

Jungkook pursed his lips, keeping his arms crossed over his chest. "He's not invited."

Three hours later I was sat at the bar, Jungkook and Taehyung both sitting on each of my side, and I was wearing the dress that took all three of us a whole hour to find, digging through my wardrobe in order to search out for a dress that - according to them - screamed out independence and courage. I had a glass of gin and tonic in my hand, trying my best to put a smile on my face in the middle of their conversations.

One hour after the gathering started I was introduced to the old friend that just arrived at the city, the one reason why they were all meeting at that bar that night. He had a genuine smile, a crescent like eye smile that was contagious, forcing me to smile at him back when he took my hand to introduce himself, "Park Jimin. It's nice to meet you, Y/N."

The night ended with us exchanging numbers, only after I was convinced through a few dances together, a few laughs, and his offer of - "Let me take you out for coffee sometime, just so you'll see how I really am when I am sober."

✤✤✤

I waited for him anxiously that day, and he arrived at the apartment as usual, tired and unpredictable. He had been coming by once in awhile after our break up, with so many excuses, and he had been doing so for many weeks. And all I could read through it was the fact that he kept coming for both adding salt on my wounded heart and to let himself believe that he was repenting, that he was stitching back the missing loops of his life that he had caused to himself. I would usually distant myself away whenever he came by. There was a reason why I waited that day.

"Please tell me it's a lie." He was standing right in front of me, still in the doorway because I had asked him to. He was staring straight at me, the first longest stare he had ever given me after so long. And he was fuming. "That is not true, isn't it? You're only telling me lies. Tell me they were lies."

"What difference does it make, Yoongi? What? We're not even together! You left me! You left me for someone else and you have been making it so goddamn hard for me to move on from you!" He was not the only one fuming. I've had enough of all the pain, of feeling so lost and helpless. And his reaction was only making it harder for me to walk away from him. "You walked away from me, Yoongi. You did! And now it's my time to walk away. I need you to get your things out of here because whatever it is that you think you are doing, it's over!"

I turned around to go back into the living room where I had put the box filled with his things that I had gathered together, but I was stopped on my tracks. He moved faster that my mind could process and he pulled me back to him. "Please don't do this, Y/N. I beg you."

What I saw surprised me. I looked into his eyes and all I saw was pain. Tears were building on the corners of his eyes and his stare was emitting fear. He was afraid, although I couldn't tell what he was afraid of. His voice was shaking, his body was trembling, every bit of cells of his body that were touching me were showing off his desperation. And it got me wavered.

"Don't do what, Yoongi? You hurt me so badly, and I have been trying to put my broken pieces together and I am trying so damn hard to move on!"

He kept staring at me with disbelief, with pain, and the pain in my heart of seeing him hurting was killing me inside. "No, no please," he kept shaking his head, holding me close to him and I lost power of fighting him back the moment my own tears took over.

"Why are you doing this, Yoongi? Why?" You hit him on the chest over and over again even after the tears covered my sight, making it hard for me to have a clear look of his face. "I don't understand-"

He stopped me with a kiss. His lips was trembling, and he was kissing me hard, pressing his lips on mine until I felt a sting of pain at the corner of my lips. And I cried harder. "I can't," he said, letting go of the kiss and whispering with shaky voice while kissing my face, wiping my tears away. "I can't see you with someone else,Y/N."

"It's not fair, Yoongi. You're so not fair."

He kissed my words away, along with my tears. I should've pushed him away, I should've hated him, cursed him for puzzling me by his words and actions. I shouldn't have pulled him into the bed with me.

But he was touching me again - after so long - he was kissing me, loving me. He was showing me his desperation. He was showing me his vulnerable side, the one I had wanted him to show me when we were together, the side that he was hiding from me when he was pushing me away from him. And I didn't want him to stop. Because I still loved him, and I still wanted to be his shelter. So I let him share every rare feelings that he had to me. And he let me shared mine.

We kept repeating that night over and over again. He kept coming into the apartment - our apartment which I kept for reasons I didn't even understand - on nights when I would be alone. We would share our rare feelings, our true selves, by making love on our bed - just like we did in the past. Pushing the image of our lovers away, because when we were together there would only be the two of us, just Yoongi and I together, and the whole world were no longer relevant.

I let everything happened because I wanted him, because I needed him and I felt how much he needed to be with me, to release his loneliness on our old bed. With me. Instead of her. A part of me would always wake up filled with regrets for sneaking behind our lovers, deceiving them. Other part of me kept convincing myself, that if Yoongi could stop seeing me as the perfect person he had always thought I was, if he saw how lonely and broken I was - just as much as he was - then perhaps he would stop feeling afraid of being with me, then maybe he would see that I was not afraid to be by his side, and he would come back to me again.

✤✤✤

I spent one hour to convince him not to go to that party. "Please, Jimin. I'm really not in the mood to go out. You know how busy I have been. Can't we just stay in and rest for the night?"

"That's exactly why we should go, babe. We haven't met them in a while, and I think it's time for you to have a little fun," he insisted, trying his best to be subtle but I knew he was hiding something. He knew. He knew Yoongi had been coming by at nights, whenever he was away. I tried my best to hide everything, but maybe I had secretly wanted him to know. Because I couldn't lie anymore, not to him, and certainly not to myself.

The drive was silent. I kept glancing at him while he was driving silently and I could see him gritting his teeth, proving me even more about his knowledge of my affair, proving me to the reason why he wanted to go so badly. He must have been expecting Yoongi to be there. All I could do was calm my anxiety while praying silently that Yoongi would listen to me and avoid coming to his best friend's party.

But I guess the universe had it's own way of things.

The music was blaring, everyone was dancing and filling the space. Yet I could find him easily within the crowds. Because I knew everything, his body language, his posture, his skin, and I could recognized him easily even before he turned around and let me see his face. I made sure Jimin was away to get me drinks and busy with his old friends before I made my way across the room to where he was and dragged him away.

He was drunk. Not as much as totally losing control of his words and actions, but to the point where none of my words could get through him. He was taking things too lightly and I was too angry to notice something was off. But when I finally did, when I finally saw that flicker of sadness in his eyes, Jimin found us.

Everything happened too fast. I had to pull Jimin away to avoid any trouble. I had thought to leave the place until Yoongi walked past me, whispering to me secretly while passing his fingers through the end of my hair, "Have a great night, Y/N."

I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I watched him as he walked through the crowds of people towards the door. I watched him and I had to hold myself the best I could from running to chase him and begged him to take me away.

"Y/N," I heard Jimin called for me, reminding me of where I was. I turned my sight away from Yoongi's back to look at him, to see the fury emitting from his eyes, weakening me into letting him to take my hands and tangled his fingers into my grip. "Keep your eyes on me, Y/N. Only look at me," he said firmly, before leaning down to kiss me, stopping the time completely and drowning me with regrets when I still couldn't get my thoughts away from Yoongi.

The sight of Yoongi retreating away and the sadness in his eyes were still filling my thoughts during the drive back home. I was so lost into thinking about him that I could barely remember who it was driving me home. I was brought back to the present by the movement of the car coming into a halt, pulling over at the front of my building. I blinked and looked around to notice that he wasn't parking the car at the usual spot.

"Jimin-," I turned to look at him and met with his eyes. I took a deep breath as I saw his pain. I hurt him.

He gave me a pursed smile, sadness were plastered all over his face. "You still love him," he said finally after a few moments of silence. "I tried my best to heal your broken heart but it wasn't me that was healing you, was it?"

"Jimin, I-"

"Do you love me?" His question took me by surprised and I stuttered, confused on finding a way to answer him. He didn't wait for my answer, instead leaning forward to give a soft kiss on my forehead and whispered, "Goodbye, Y/N."

"I'm sorry, Jimin." I couldn't hold back the tear from falling on my face. But I gathered myself together, wiping them off and got off the car. I kept my eyes to watch his car as he drove away, leaving me in front of my building in silence. And at that moment, right when his car disappeared from my sight, when silence took over, the image of Yoongi appeared back in my thoughts.

I remembered the sadness in his eyes. I remembered how he had to stop his hand from reaching to me back in the coffee shop and right before Jimin came between us at the club. I remembered how broken he looked when he left. I remembered that he was drunk.

I reached into my pocket and took out my phone, immediately calling his number. The phone rang once, twice, and no answer. I tried a couple more times and still nothing, so I dialed a different number.

"Hello?" Taehyung picked the call after a few rings, the sound of music from the remaining party still blaring behind him.

"Taehyung, did you hear news from Yoongi? Did anyone drive him home?" I rushed my words, extremely worried from Yoongi not getting my calls.

"Uh- No, I don't think so- Hang on!" He left the phone and I could hear him talking to people around him before going back to me, "Y/N, everyone here offered to drive him and he refused. My friend just came in, he thinks his car is still here."

"What? Did- Did Jia pick him up?"

"Uhm- No- we asked about her and all he said was that she will never show up, no matter what we do. None of us understood his words, so- Have you tried calling him?"

But I understood.

I ended the call immediately, rushing to the side of the road, waving my hands to stop any cab that was passing by, finding the best way for me to get back to where I just came from. I had to find him.

I was determined. Not only to make sure that he was safe. I was determined that the moment I see him, I would bring him back home. To me, to our home. That I would fight my way to get through him. That I would fight for him. That I would show him that I was not afraid of him, that I was not afraid to fight his demons together with him.

And I was determined to never stop trying until I get him back.

✤✤✤