Boss: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do?
River: Please don’t get arrested.
Boss: No promises! <3
Eugene: Why not both? Get creative!
Boss: Wonderful suggestion, thank you.
River: Please don’t encourage them, Eugene.

Eugene: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out River's birthday invitations.
Boss: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Eugene: "River's birthday".
Boss: So, what do they say instead?
Eugene: "River’s bi".
Boss:
Boss: Works out either way.

Boss: *walks into the room*
Eugene: They’re covered in blood again. Why is it they’re always covered in blood?
River: Well, it looks like it’s their own blood this time.

Boss: River isn't talking to me.
Eugene: Enjoy it while it lasts.

River: What do we say when making bread?
Boss, glumly: That's the dough rising.
River: And what do we NOT say?
Eugene, sadly: That's the yeast fucking.

Boss: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.
River: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
Boss: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
Eugene: Edible.

Boss: Tell Eugene off, River! Assert yourself!
River: That's my ice cream!
Boss: Good! Now let them have it!!
River, handing Eugene the ice cream: Here, you can have it!

Boss: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight.
River: But are you shuffling?
Boss: Everyday.
Eugene: What language are you two speaking??

Boss: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight. 
River: But are you shuffling?
Boss: Everyday.
Eugene: What language are you two speaking??

River: What happened to Boss?
Eugene: They died.
River: They what?
Eugene: They died, but they’re okay.
River: …Can you please clarify?
Boss: Clarification is for the weak.

Eugene: If River and I were drowning, who would you save?
Boss: You two can’t swim?
Eugene: It’s a hypothetical question, Boss! Who would you save?
Boss: My time and effort.

River: Eugene said its my turn with the brain cell.
Boss: Square up.

Store Worker: Would a “Boss” please come to the front desk?
Boss, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker, pointing to Eugene and River: I believe they belong to you?
Eugene and River, simultaneously: We got lost.
Boss: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me—

Eugene: How is spring not everyone’s favorite season? The trees are PINK, guys!
Boss: Allergies are also a problem, y'know.
Eugene: But pink.
River: And it's hot.
Eugene: PINK!

Boss, to Eugene: You know, River can be really aggressive, so it's important to take all the necessary precautions when approaching.
Boss: *blows airhorn at River* GET FUCKED!

Eugene: I don't like bugs. River, are you even listening to me?
River: I seem to have misplaced my ant farm.
Eugene, at Boss: MOOOOOM!

Boss: HELP! I TOLD EUGENE I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!
River, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

Eugene: What was that?
River: My shirt fell.
Eugene: It sounded a lot heavier than that.
Boss: They were in it.

Boss: *speaking Spanish*
River: I know, I know.
Eugene: You speak Spanish?
River: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Boss speaks.

River: Adults are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with.
Eugene, referring to themself and Boss: Even us?
River: Especially you guys.
Boss:
Eugene:
Boss: Petition to kick River out so they stop insulting us.
Eugene: Seconded.

River: Boss won’t wake up, what do I do?
Eugene: Did you try kicking them?
River: Yes.
Eugene: I’m out of ideas.

Eugene: Don’t you guys read the papers?
River: Only the funnies.
Boss:
Boss: You mean the obituaries.
River: Oh, potato, pohtato…

Boss: River and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.
Eugene: What did you do?
Boss: They chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-
River: *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?

Boss: River! Eugene got that thing on the control panel working!
River: Wow! That looks pretty impressive.
Boss: Yeah!
River: Any idea what it does?
Boss: Not a clue.

Boss: Hey, did you know as a kid I accidentally ate paper?
River: I feel like we've all done that at least once.
Eugene: I ate it too-
River: See?
Eugene: -On purpose...
Boss & River: ...What?

River: What are you guys doing?
Eugene: Like in life in general or-
Boss: Not much. Why, what's up?
River: I dunno, I’m bored playing AC.
Boss: Assassins Creed?
River: Animals Creed.
Eugene: Assassins Crossing.

Eugene: Regular soda is too sweet!
River: Diet soda has a weird after taste!
Eugene: No! Ugh, oh my god. Diet soda is THE BEST! It doesn't have sugar! It's SPICY!
River: It has other weird stuff in it! I'll take REGULAR sugar in my REGULAR soda!
Eugene: It's SO SWEET like it's a dessert though! Diet feels more like a drink!
River: I'm going to physically attack you.
Eugene: Which is better, Boss?
Boss: Oh, I usually drink water!
River: Wha- NO!
Eugene: DISGUSTING!

Eugene: Do you feel any better?
River: I feel much better now that you here with me.
*Boss walks in*
River: I feel half better.

*Eugene rushes by with an armful of water bottles*
Boss: What's going on?
River: Eugene wouldn't drink water.
Boss: ...And?
River: And I asked them how fast they could chug an entire bottle.
Eugene, loudly: 16 OUNCES IN TEN SECONDS, BITCHES!

Boss: I lost Eugene.
River: How did you LOSE Eugene?!
Boss: To be fair, they are very small.

Boss: Hey, River?
River: Yeah?
Boss: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
River:
River: Where’s Eugene?

River: What are you writing?
Eugene: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
Boss, looking over Eugene's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

River: Is Eugene always like this when they lose?
Boss: Oh, yes. You should've been there for the Great Jenga Tantrum of 2015.
Eugene: You bumped that table and you know it!

River, grinning: Before you were what?
Boss: Before I was-
River: What?
Boss: Before I was inter-
River: Before you were interrupted?
Boss: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-
River: What?
Boss: *makes frustrated sound*
Eugene, nervously: Stop that. Before they hurt you.

Eugene: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Boss: Wasn’t River with you?
River: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Eugene: I am your king, long may I reign!
Boss: Well I didn’t vote for you!
Eugene: You don’t vote for kings.
Boss: Well how’d you become king then?
Eugene: River of the Lake, their arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Eugene, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
Boss:  Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Boss: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Eugene without them noticing?
River: Hey, Eugene, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Eugene: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Boss: ...

Boss: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Eugene without them noticing?
River: Hey, Eugene, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.
Eugene: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
Boss: ...

River: Boss, what are you doing?
Boss: Making chocolate pudding.
River: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding?
Boss: Because I've lost control of my life.
Boss: Here's your pudding, Eugene.
Eugene: Oh that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

River: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him?
Boss: A pet WHAT?!
Eugene: William Snakespeare.

Eugene: But what about River?
Boss: Don't worry about them.
Boss: I once watched them fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating their hotdog like nothing happened.

River: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.
Boss: What's wrong with you??
River: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.
Eugene: No, they mean other than that.
River: Ohhhhhh.
River: I haven't slept in 4 days.

Boss: River got into a fight.
Eugene: That’s bad.
Eugene:
Eugene: Did they win?

Boss: What did you two do?
River:
Eugene:
Boss: You’re not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to lie to the police again or not.

Eugene: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Boss, used to Eugene being dumb: Sure...
Eugene: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
Boss: Okay?
Eugene: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
Boss:
Eugene: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-
Boss: Jesus, that one is a little-
River, interested: No, no, Eugene, keep going.

River, knocking on the door: Eugene, open up!
Eugene: It all started when I was a kid.
River: That’s not what I-
Boss: Let them finish!

Eugene, to Boss: Why is River not talking?
Boss: I'm playing the silent game with them.
Eugene: Well, then you just lost.
Boss: I lost two hours ago. I gave them ear plugs and told them to close their eyes. It was the only way I could think of to get them to shut up.

Boss, reading the newspaper: Huh. Did you know Nickelodeon opened a hotel?
Eugene: Yeah, I went there once. There was a dead squirrel in the pool and I made some of River cry by telling them it was the real Sandy.

Eugene & River: *accidentally set the kitchen on fire*
Eugene: We need an adult!
River: Eugene, you are an adult!
Eugene: We need an adultier adult! Get Boss!

Eugene, whispering to Boss, who's on the phone with River:  Ask them something!
Boss: How are you feeling?
River: Fine.
Eugene: Something personal!
Boss: At what age did you first get your period?

River: Can I get a waffle?
Boss and Eugene: *fighting and yelling at each other*
River: Can I p l e a s e get a waffle?

Boss: Okay, what does A stand for?
River: Arson.
Boss: Aw, you're so good. Okay! B! What does B stand for?
River: Barson.
Eugene: *laughter*
Boss: What stands for C?
River: Commit arson.
Eugene: Oooo. Boss: D!
River: Don't come near me, I'm going to commit arson.
Eugene: *more laughter*

Boss: Adulting is hard.
Boss: How do I quit?
River: Time travel.
Eugene: Die.

*Eugene is considering cancelling plans, and River and Boss are advising them on what to do*
River: Just don't go.
Boss: Say you’re ill!
River: Pretend to break your leg.
Boss: Really break your leg!