*The gang when they drop food on the floor*

Boss: Aw man. *Throws it away*

Charlie: Five second rule!

River: Foolish germs, thinking they can stop me!? *Eats it off the floor*

Eugene: *Sobs on the floor*

Boss: Charlie, keep an eye on River today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Charlie: Sure, I'd love to see River getting punched.

Eugene: Try again.

Charlie, sighing: I will try to stop River from getting punched.

Charlie, about a fight between Boss and River: It scares me how many knives were involved.

Eugene: There... weren't any knives involved though?

Charlie: That's what scares me.

*at an awards show*

Charlie: Can I carry you on my back like Boss did?

Eugene: I don't think River would like that.

Charlie: *pouts*

*Later*

Charlie: *carrying Eugene on their back*

River: What the hell??

Eugene: What was I supposed to do? Say no?

Boss: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?

River: Put spaghetti in it.

Boss: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you.

Charlie: Put spaghetti in it.

Boss: I am currently taking suggestions from everyone but you two.

Eugene: Put spaghetti in it.

Boss: I am no longer taking suggestions.

Eugene: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Eugene: *aggressively throws water bottles*

Charlie: Uh... what's up with them?

Boss: They're trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

Eugene: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

River, crying: It's working.

Charlie: Yesterday, I watched River try to eat a decorative rock from Eugene's potted plant. Boss caught them, and told them they can't eat rocks. River started whining something about no food being in the house before walking away.

Eugene: Why are you smiling?

River: What? I can't just be happy?

Charlie: Boss tripped and fell in the parking lot.

Eugene, setting down a card: Ace of spades.

River, pulling out an Uno card: +4.

Charlie, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you!

Boss, trembling: What are we playing?!

Boss: You have friends and I envy that.

Eugene: You're welcome to share my friends.

Boss: *looks at River and Charlie*

Boss: I don't want those.

Boss: Charlie is taking credit for Eugene's work, getting them to deal with everything, and making fun of them! You know what they sounds like?

River: You?

Boss: No, I meant... You know Eugene. In spite of being clever and sarcastic they're also... fragile and weird and they have trouble fitting in. And Charlie is taking advantage of their weakness! You know what that's called?

River: A Boss?

Boss: ...Yeah, but I'm the only one who should be allowed to do that, okay?!

Boss: Die.

River: Please don't die!

Boss: DIE!

River: PLEASE DON'T DIE!

Charlie, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?

Eugene, watching while eating popcorn: They bought it together and River wants Boss to accept it as their kid.

*The gang is learning CPR on a test dummy*

River: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?

Boss: No, River. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.

River: No, that's not part of it—

Boss: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there?

Charlie: I would want to live with no legs.

Boss: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Charlie. You don't do anything.

River: All right, well, lets get back to it. 'Cause you're losing him.

Boss: *pumps frantically*

River: Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute.

Boss: Okay, that's uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?

Eugene: How's that gonna help you?

Boss: I will divide and then count to it.

Eugene: Right.

River: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of 'Staying Alive' by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song?

Boss: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. *clears throat, begins to sing* First I was afraid, I was petrified.

River, pointing to Charlie and Eugene: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves*

Boss: Okay!

*five minutes later*

River: *returns and sees Charlie and Eugene unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out!

Boss: There's just no pleasing you sometimes.