They say everyone has a breaking point. Maybe this was Julian's. 37 hours since he left his room or talked to anyone. He had come back home that day after forcing Wynter to let him drop him home. Ren and Wynter had talked, gotten along. He was smiling with them and laughing. And then he came home.

He came home to find his parents talking to a representative of a catholic school. They had introduced Julian to him, telling him he didn't have to worry. Father Adams would cure him off this disease. He had just stared at them for a second and then started to laugh. It was the laughter that you hear from people when they don't know what to do anymore. When they want the world to explode into dust. When they've lost hope finally.

There were knocks on his door now. He heard Ren's voice " Julian? Jule. Let me in. Jule please...you've been in there for two days. At least come out to take a shower. You probably stink so much right now. I bet your cologne won't have an effect. I told you not to buy that one anyway. The quality is so—"

The door to Julian's room cracked open " Will you shut up if I let you in?"

Ren squeezed himself through the gap and shut the door behind him. Julian was sitting at his desk. He was a mess. His hair looked like a bird's nest and there were bags under his eyes. He looked...lost.

Julian looked up from the table at his cousin " Ren...why?"
" I don't have a fucking idea honestly Jule"

When tears fell down Julian's cheeks, Ren just stood by his side and let him cry. Because there wasn't anything anyone could say that would piece Julian back together.

Julian felt like he was already dead. Disease, was the word they had used to describe his feelings. He was disgusting. He was impure. He was disgusting because he liked men. He was disgusting because he didn't feel the need to play with a girl's heart and pretend he was straight. Was it him who was disgusting? Or was it them?

They who were forcing him to pretend. Who wanted him to bury himself and pull up a facade just to please people he didn't even care for. They wanted him to live upto their expectations when he was already dead. Every single second felt like an hour. He wanted this to end. Was it too much to ask? He wanted it to stop hurting so much. He wanted to go away somewhere far where no one would ever find him. Julian Sanders wanted to stop living.

He was aware of every breath he took in. The air burnt his dry throat and he let it burn. Maybe he deserved it. He deserved all this. Maybe he really was disgusting and perverted. Maybe he should try to get attracted to girls.

" Julian stop. You're overthinking. Don't think, at all. Okay? Don't let them mess with you" Ren whispered, his voice breaking a little.

Ren had always thought that Julian would be the one to always comfort people when they cried. He had never thought that Julian could ever break. He had always thought his cousin was some kind of inhuman creature who's demeanour and positive attitude would never change despite how much hurtful things people around him did. To see him breakdown like this made Ren want to stop believing in everything he had ever put his faith in.

" Why...Ren? Why are my feelings a disease? Why me?" Julian wailed. His cheeks were red and warm tears were streaming down his face. Sobs racked through his body and he sniffed quietly, resting his head on his desk.

" Jule...do you need a hug?" Ren asked in a low whisper.
" Fuck you. No I don't need a hug" Julian mumbled, his voice barely decipherable through the sobs.

" Okay. Come on. Offer ends in 5...4...3–Shhhh. Okay. Okay. Don't worry. Also don't make my shirt wet" he smiled patting his cousin's back gently. Julian let Ren whisper false promises into his ear. It felt nice to believe that it would all be okay. But he knew that at the end of the day nothing would be alright. Everything would change and he would have to get used to it.

Ren was more than just his cousin. Ren was like his brother and Julian wished desperately that one day...when everyone was gone from his life, Ren would still be there whining about how his favourite ship from a tv show didn't go canon.

And when it was night and they were binge watching a show on Julian's laptop, Ren was crying over the death of his favourite character, Julian was laughing and reminding him that no one in that show stays dead. Ren ignored him and said " Just because death is not the end doesn't mean it hurts any less. You'll understand it eventually Jule. You'll understand when someone you love doesn't want to live. And when you do understand it, you'll wish you never had because it's going to hurt like a bitch"

" Is this because you know I don't want to live?" Julian asked, making sure to have a blank face without any sign of emotions. Ren would figure him out in a second.

Ren didn't answer, choosing to nod at the screen " This is the best part. Stop talking"

About a ten minute drive away, Wynter was seated on his couch. Totally not concentrating on whatever show he had randomly picked. Hayden was a ball of energy as always. Currently she had two socks pulled over each of her hands. Both the socks had googly eyes and cotton balls stuck on them.

" No Fizzles! Chocolate cake is better" The pink sock said to the red one.

" You're wrong Sparkles. Red Velvet is always going to win!" The red one replied.

" You're saying that only because you are red in colour too!"

Wynter's thumb hovered over his phone screen, to be more specific...over Julian's contact name. He hadn't seen him since two days. Not even heard from him. He had half expected Julian to be at school today, smiling at everyone in the hallways and asking them if they had missed him. At least that's what he had done all the times he had been absent the previous day.

As much as Wynter hated to admit it...he was worried. And it baffled him because when had Wynter even been worried about someone he just met? Impulsively he hit the call button and held up the phone to his ear. He pursed his lips, foot tapping on the floor in anticipation and eagerness.

" Wynter?"

Julian's voice was deep and crackling, as if he had just woken up from sleep. It was still eight...was he the kind to sleep early and wake up early? Wynter pushed the thought away when he remembered Julian telling him that his curfew was at ten.

" Uh...sorry. I thought I was calling someone else." he lied.

" Who were you calling?" Julian prodded.

Wynter recognised amusement in his tone and resisted the urge to slap himself across the face " A friend"

Julian hummed in answer, his tone showing disappointment " Okay. And is this you know...the non-existent one?"

" Yeah. I guess I should hang up and call them instead" Wynter played along, suddenly smiling.

" Or maybe you could tell me why you called...and I could...come over to hang out? I'm desperate to get out of this place"

" It's already dark Julian. I won't hang out with you when we have school first thing in the morning"

" Okay," the green eyed boy laughed, " at least tell me why you called"
" You weren't at school so...I was just checking in. You know, just making sure someone didn't stuff a unicorn down your throat because you were being too optimistic"

" Well sorry to disappoint. That didn't happen. Wynter...let me tell you something. Just because I'm optimistic doesn't mean I actually believe in being optimistic"

" Now that didn't make sense. Are you on drugs?" Wynter asked switching off the Tv and curling into the warm blankets when he heard Julian laugh.

" Drugs are bad!" Hayden yelled suddenly, climbing onto the couch and into her brother's lap. Wynter put the phone on speaker mode, holding Hayden so that she wouldn't shuffle around and fall over. She had done it countless times and it resulted in hours of holding ice packs against her bruises.

" Yeah! Drugs are bad! Listen to her Wynter!" Julian joked.

" You're the one who's high Julian" Wynter retorted, smiling despite everything.

" I am not. How dare you accuse me of something like that?" Julian gasped dramatically making the dark haired boy roll his eyes.

" Alright. I'll see you at school. Bye" Wynter said.

" Am I that annoying?" Julian demanded ignoring his cousin who was wiggling his eyebrows at him. Ren seemed to have this ridiculous idea in his mind that Julian and Wynter would end up together. I'm shipping you both, were his exact words when Julian's phone had started ringing.

" Yes. You're very annoying" Wynter answered.

" You're annoying" Julian shot back.

" Very mature Julian. Okay I've got to go. I'm going to put Hayden to sleep"

" Yeah alright. Night Hayden!"

" Goodnight Julian! " Hayden smiled widely making Wynter ruffle her hair.

" Wynter...I'll see you tomorrow?"

Julian was surprised at himself. It was supposed to be a statement, not a question.

" Yeah definitely. You will. I—ok—I'm hanging up"
" Yeah." Julian muttered, smiling to himself.

" What was that about... Its nothing! Stop making up things in your head!?" Ren raised an eyebrow.

Julian's smile dropped " It's nothing. It's not even been a week since we started talking. I hardly know him"

" And yet you're all smiles while talking to him" Ren teased, shutting the laptop and rolling off the bed to pull out the—his extra mattress from below it. It had always been Ren's.

Ren had always been the kind of person who karate kicks people in his sleep so Julian had never allowed him to sleep next to him. Julian even saved up money so that he could buy the extra mattress.

" Ren do you want to be kicked in the face?" Julian asked calmly throwing a blanket at Ren. Ren stuck out his tongue and made a face at him.

" Are you sure you don't belong in middle school?" Julian asked, making an unimpressed face at him.

" Yeah. I'm too smart for middle school" Ren answered smirking proudly as he laid down on his mattress.

" What's the value of pi?"
" Depends on the store you buy it at...Pies can cost a lot if they're of high quality—"

" I'm talking about the pi in math..."

Ren sat up looking at Julian in surprise " There's a pie in math? Who buys them? I mean...Miss Arnolds could never. She's too stingy"

" Fuck's sake Ren. Go to sleep. Pretend I never said anything"

" Okay..." Ren shrugged before laying back down and closing his eyes.

Julian didn't dream of anything that night. It was just dark, empty. Nothing. It was blank, just where he wanted to be. It was peaceful. Julian liked it. He wished that he wouldn't ever wake up even though he knew he would.

Julian knew he was being selfish. He would hurt Ren and Aunt Starla and Uncle Phillip. And maybe even his parents. Although they weren't happy with him, they did love him. He was their only child. They had to love him.

All his life he had tried to be perfect and now that he knew...that the word perfect was fake he didn't feel the need to force himself to be someone he doesn't want to be. No one can ever be perfect. Humans can try to make something perfect, invent things that are perfect. But humans themselves will never be perfect.

People will always find faults in them. Right to one will be wrong to another and so a human cannot be perfect. Their flaws will always be picked on and their imperfections will be hunted for until they had been found and ridiculed.

Julian didn't want to be perfect. He wanted to be himself. He wanted to be happy and content. And if he tried maybe he would be.

He just wasn't sure if he had enough strength to try.

A/N-

Comment if you've ever felt like you want to stop existing.

I know I have.

But I'm better now. I have people who love me. I learnt to listen to my heart, not to the voices.

Shoutout to Directioner_ha . Thank you for being such a wonderful person and helping me through some of my shittiest times.

To my readers,
Thank you for reading. I hope my story helps you somewhere in life. I love you all.

Keep on living xx