Song: Anything Worth Holding On To- Cynthia Erivo

Avoid

Kibit balikat lang ang ginawa ko bilang sagot sa pang-iintriga ni Ate Margaux. She pouted and sat up straight.

May girlfriend? Aba, malay ko? Wala naman akong pakealam.

'Di ko inalis ang tingin kay Ate Margaux kaya napansin ko ring sinusundan niya ng tingin sila Archer hanggang sa maupo na ito sa table malapit sa amin.

Seriously? What's up with her? Bakit ganyan siya makatingin at makiusosyo? Kulang nalang ata tumayo siya at sumali doon sa lamesa nila Archer, e.

I nudged Kuya Jaxon to tell him that his wife is busy with something. Umangat ang kilay ni Kuya Jaxon sa akin kaya tinuro ko si Ate Margaux gamit ang aking nguso.

Harot ng asawa mo oh!

Kuya Jaxon scoffs and made his wife turn to him.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing. I just checked if he's really the person I saw with Felicity at the hospital. Mukhang siya nga."

Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin nang ngumisi siya sa akin.

"Ganda nung girlfriend, Fel, ah?"

Pagilid kong nilingon iyong kasama ni Archer na babae. Napansin kong maganda nga iyong babae. Makurba ang katawan, maliit ang mukha, at mahaba rin ang buhok. Hindi na nakakagulat na may girlfriend siyang ganyan kaganda base palang sa kalibre niya.

Tinaasan ko si Ate Margaux ng kilay nang lingunin ko siyang muli.

"Ano naman?"

"Sinasabi ko lang! Bakit ka galit?"

"'Di ako galit, Ate. Tinatanong ko lang kung ano naman kung maganda?"

Ate Margaux smirked even more. "Why are you being so defensive?"

"E, pinaratangan mo kasi ako na galit ako kahit hindi naman!" medyo napataas pa ang boses ko nang dahil doon.

Mukhang narinig ni Daddy iyon kaya mariin niya kaming tiningnan ni Ate. At syempre, tinuro ko 'yung nag-simula para naman mailigtas ko ang sarili ko.

He asked us to keep it down since we're not the only ones here. And of course, being the obedient daughters that we are, we toned down our voices a little.

"Ikaw kasi, e!" Ate Margaux hissed.

Nilakihan ko siya ng mata at tinuro ang sarili.

"O, bakit ako? Ikaw nag-simula diyan, e!"

"Galit ka kasi-"

"Margaux," Natigilan siya nang mag-salita si Kuya Jaxon. "Enough."

Ate Margaux rolled her eyes and pursed her lips slowly. Sa huli, umayos nalang din siya ng upo at nanahimik na sa tabi ng asawa. I scoff and took another sip of my wine.

The food was immediately served. I was happily enjoying my steak when I suddenly became the center of our conversation.

"Oh, 'di ba Felicity's having her post-graduate internship na? How was it, hija?" Tanong ni Tita Barbara.

Napakurap ako dahil 'di ko naman inaasahan na biglang mapupunta sa akin ang usapan. Parang kanina lang tungkol pa ito sa pagbubuntis ni Serena hanggang sa mapunta sa pagtatanim ng halaman tapos ngayon sa akin naman!?

"Uh... okay naman po." I spoke.

I told them that I was doing good even if it's far from what happened a while ago. Ayaw ko na ring i-open up since nagkakatuwaan na sila dito at ayaw ko nang sirain pa ang mood.

Just because I'm having a bad day doesn't mean I also have to ruin the mood.

"Talagang magiging okay ang internship ni Fel kasi ang crush niya ang nag-susupervise sa kanila!" Pang-aasar ni Kuya Dominic.

He smirked and winked at me as if he's telling me that he got me. Tipid lang akong ngumiti.

"Really? Edi tuwang-tuwa naman pala si Fely niyan?" Nakangiting sinabi ni Tita Lorena.

"Syempre! Matagal na ata niyang pinangarap 'yan!" Si Kuya Benj. "Right, Fel?"

Even if they're all teasing me about Lucas, I just couldn't bring myself to smile genuinely about it. I can only give them a half fake smile. It's hard to pretend especially when what happened a while ago is still fresh inside my mind.

At 'yung mga sinabi ni Lucas... hindi ko pa nakakalimutan 'yon. I hate the feeling of letting him down. Pakiramdam ko, ang laking disappointment ng ginawa ko para sa kanya.

"Kaya nga pinilit na makapasok sa ospital para magkasama sila, e! Kaya siguro ang aga mo palaging pumasok para inspired ka agad sa umaga." Paglaglag ni Kuya Gio sa akin.

Siniko ko siya dahil 'di niya naman na kailangan pang sabihin iyon!

"Ganoon ba? Bakit may progress na ba 'yang pag-iibigan niyo, Fely?" kuryosong tanong ni Tito Francisco.

"Ay nako! Mukhang meron na po ata! Naririnig kong tawa ng tawa nung isang gabi. May kausap ata." si Kuya Dominic naman ang nag-laglag sa akin.

Kumunot ang noo ko. But I wasn't talking to Lucas that time.

"Talaga ba, Fel? Parang nung isang araw lang binibigyan ka pa namin nila Rico ng love advice ah?" Ate Brittany chuckled.

"So, what's your status now? Are you two in a relationship now?" Tanong ni Kuya Aiden.

I roamed my eyes around the table and saw that everyone's looking at me now. Lahat sila hinihintay ang magiging sagot ko na akala mo naman ay sobrang hot issue.

"Uh... 'di pa naman-"

"Pa! Pa! At least may pa!" pinutol agad ni Kuya Gio ang sinasabi ko. He rubbed my back as an act of support.

Nagpakawala nalang ako ng malalim na hininga dahil iba naman kasi ang gusto kong sabihin pero pinutol niya agad.

Gusto ko sanang sabihin na 'di pa naman kami nagkaka-usap ni Lucas tungkol sa mga ganitong bagay. Mabagal parin naman ang usad namin. Wala namang pinagbabago.

"Wow! Supportive ah? Palibhasa gano'n rin siya," pang-aasar ni Kuya Dominic. "Kaya siguro 'di pinipigilan si Felicity na mag-habol kasi nag-base from experience 'tong si Kuya Gio."

"Buti ikaw 'di mo tinuturuang magmakaawa? Ayaw mo din i-share 'yung base sa experience mo?"

"Heto na naman po tayo..." Ate Brittany whispered underneath her breath.

Habang nagpapatuloy naman ang pag-aasaran ng dalawa kong kapatid, naramdaman kong hinawakan ni Ate Margaux ang kamay ko.

Napabaling ako ng tingin doon bago ko siya nilingon.

"Are you okay? I heard about what happened." She said.

Hindi na niya kailangan pang sabihin dahil alam ko na agad. 'Di na rin naman na nakakabigla na malaman niya since kumalat na rin naman ito sa buong ospital. I won't be surprised if Ate Brittany knew about it, too.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I tried to convince her.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at mas itinuon nalang ang atensyon sa aking kamay.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I don't... know."

I heard her sigh.

To be honest, this long and bad day has affected me a lot. I just feel so burned out to the point that if Ate Margaux is going to ask me if I'm okay again, I'll burst out in tears.

Sobrang napagod ako sa lahat ng nangyari ngayong araw. I feel physically, emotionally, and mentally drained. Talagang pinipilit ko lang ang sarili ko na makihalubilo dahil kahit papano, silang pamilya ko rin ang kinukuhanan ko ng lakas.

Akala ko kapag pumunta ako at magkunwari na walang nangyari, gagaan ang pakiramdam ko at makakalimutan ang lahat. Pero hindi pala...

"Are you sure you're okay?" tanong muli ni Ate Margaux.

At gaya nga ng sabi ko, isa pang tanong niyang iyan, hindi ko na mapipigilan pa ang sarili ko.

I shut my eyes and covered my face using my palm as I let the tears fall. Biglang natahimik ang buong nang dahil sa akin. It's so embarassing.

"Fel! Fel! Hey! It's okay... it's okay..." Ate Margaux tried to console me.

"What happened?" tanong ni Kuya Gio. Sinubukan niyang alisin ang kamay ko sa mukha ko pero 'di ako nagpatinag.

I just kept on crying as the memories from a while ago flashed inside my mind. Paulit-ulit rin na umiikot sa utak ko iyong pangungumpara na ginawa noong fellow kanina.

Tapos dumagdag pa iyong pangangaral ni Lucas at ang pag-salo ni Kuya Rico sa akin nang dahil sa ginawa ko.

"What did you do, Ate?!" I heard Kuya Dominic asked.

Hindi sumagot si Ate Margaux at naramdaman ko siyang lumapit sa akin. Nakipagpalit pa ata siya ng pwesto kay Kuya Jaxon para lang dito.

Marahang kinuha ni Ate Margaux ang mga kamay ko at hinawakan ito. Hindi na ako nakipagtalo pa.

It's so embarrassing that I'm now crying in front of everyone. And not just that. I'm also crying in public! The hell!

"I heard about what happened through Rico. It's fine, Felicity. You just did what you had to do. Kung ako ang nasa pwesto mo, baka gano'n rin ang gawin ko."

Humikbi ako at pinalis ang panibagong luha na lumandas sa aking mga mata. I just hope that my make-up is not ruined because of this.

I'm already a grown-up woman and here I am crying like a baby. How pathetic!

Naramdaman ko naman ang paghaplos ng isa pang kamay sa likod ko. Bahagya kong nilingon si Kuya Gio.

"I just feel burned out," I whispered. "I had a long and tiring day and a lot has also happened. I feel exhausted. I know I'm trying my best to be good at this field every day, but I still feel like it isn't enough."

Muli akong suminghap. Ayaw ko na sana pang isipin ulit ang nangyari pero kahit anong gawin ko, may magpapaalala sa akin ng pangyayaring iyon.

"I feel like everything I do and no matter how hard I try, I'll always be known for being a Donovan and not because of my capabilities as a doctor,"

Ate Margaux sighed.

"They know we are related so everyone's already expecting me to be as good as you." dagdag ko.

"Is it also because of that fellow? I swear, Felicity, kakausapin ko talaga ang isang 'yon!" Si Ate Brittany naman ang nag-salita ngayon.

"No, no. It's fine," pagpigil ko sakanya. "I just want to be a good doctor. I just want to help those people who need me. I didn't wish to be compared with anyone."

Ate Margaux pulled me in for a hug.

"Don't worry, Fel. You're doing enough. Don't let their expectations affect your decision. In fact, you are not required to please these people. Don't limit yourself because of this. I've been through the same thing. And trust me, not giving a damn helps."

Ngumiti siya sa akin upang mas pagaanin ang loob ko. Suminghap akong muli at sinubukang ngumiti pabalik sa kanya.

I noticed that everyone at the table is still looking at me. I gave each and every one an apologetic smile. Hindi naman binibitawan ni Ate Margaux ang kamay ko.

"I'm sorry you have you witness that." I chuckled lightly as I wipe away my tears.

I smiled when everyone assured me that's it's fine. They also told me that they believe in me and that they're always going to be proud of who I'm going to be in the future.

It's been a hell of a ride during my first month of being an intern. What more during the next months? Now I believe that medicine can break us, too.

Nang matapos ang dinner ay sabay-sabay na kaming lumabas ng restaurant. We bid goodbye to Serena's family since they are the first ones to leave.

Si Kuya Dominic at Serena, nasa loob pa dahil may inaayos pa. Ang sabi nila mauna na daw kami at sa bahay nalang daw mag-kita. Siguro mag-iinuman sila nila Kuya.

"Okay ka na?" tanong ni Kuya Gio sa akin nang makalabas kami ng restaurant.

Hawak niya sa isang kamay si Ate Zaj habang ang isa naman ay nakayakap sa balikat ko. I gave my brother a reassuring smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Maybe work really got the best of me today."

"Magpapahinga ka kasi. You're always doing your best that sometimes you're also forgetting how to take care of yourself. How will you take care of your patients if you can't take care of yourself, Fel?"

I smiled at how worried my brother is for me. I'm really glad that I have them in my life. They're always there to look out and check up on me. Kahit na may sarili na silang pamilya, 'di parin sila nakakalimot na kumustahin ako. Lalo na si Kuya Dominic.

Ever since he moved to New York, ako ang madalas na tinatawagan niya sa aming pamilya. Siguro dahil ako rin itong madalas niyang nakasama noong hindi pa sila kinakasal ni Serena.

Kami rin ang palaging magkaaway kaya siguro namimiss niya lang akong inisin kaya halos araw-araw din siyang tumatawag sa akin.

"We know you are doing your best, Fel. You don't have to prove yourself too much. You are already good even without trying." ani Ate Zaj.

"Thank you, Ate Zaj. Thank you, Kuya Gio. I really didn't want to break down a while but I guess... my emotions just piled up and I couldn't hold it anymore. Akala ko nalabas ko na ang lahat sa ospital kanina."

Kuya Gio tapped my shoulder. "If there's anything you need, just tell me, okay? Nandito naman kami palagi para sa'yo."

I nod my head. Pagkatapos naman noon ay nagpaalam na sila. Ate Zaj won't be joining them at their drinking session since she also wanted to stay with their kids.

Ganoon din ata si Ate Kelsey. Kailangan niya na ring umuwi at magpahinga dahil pinagbubuntis niya ang pang-apat nila ni Kuya Benj.

I guess it's only going to be Kuya Aiden, Ate Ana, Kuya Benj, Kuya Gio, Ate Margaux, Kuya Jaxon, Kuya Kiel, Ate Brittany, Kuya Dom, and Serena later. I won't be joining since I also want to take a rest.

I waved everyone goodbye as I watch their cars leave the parking lot. Tsaka lang ako dumiretso sa sasakyan ko nang makaalis na rin sila Kuya Gio.

Pinatunog ko ang sasakyan ko. Habang binubuksan ang pintuan ng driver's seat, nabigla naman ako nang may tumawag ng pangalan ko.

At first, I thought it was Kuya Dominic. Akala ko tapos na sila sa ginagawa. Katabi lang rin ng sasakyan ko ang kanya kaya siya ang inakala kong tumawag sa akin. Ngunit nagulat nalang ako nang makita ko si Archer na papalapit.

It's odd seeing him not wearing his pilot uniform. He's wearing a white short sleeve button down shirt and a pair of slacks.

"Hey." bati ko sakanya. Binitawan ko ang handle ng pinto ng sasakyan ko upang harapin siya.

I look behind him and realized that he's alone this time. Nasaan iyong kasama niya?

"Are you okay?" agad niyang tanong nang makalapit.

For a moment, I saw him scanned the dress that I'm wearing before he brought his eyes back to mine again. My forehead creased. Pinilit kong ngumiti kahit na nagugulohan ako.

"What makes you think that I'm not?"

"It's just that I saw you crying a while ago. I thought that maybe something bad happened?"

My mouth parted. Damn it! Now it's even more embarrassing that a familiar person saw me cry in public! Ugh! So frustrating! I'm never gonna cry in public again. Never!

"Oh... about that..." I chuckled. "Well, I just had a long day. And work is kind of exhausting so..."

Archer nods his head slowly.

"How about you? What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Ah, just went here for dinner." Archer smiled a little.

"Uh... 'yung kasama mo-" hindi pa ko tapos sa sinasabi ko ay pinutol niya na agad ito.

"She's just a friend."

Nagulohan ako bigla. Huh? 'Di ko naman tinatanong?

"No, I mean... baka hinahanap ka na niya?"

Mukhang hindi pa sila tapos noong lumabas kami kaya nakakahiya kung iniwan niya ang kasama niya doon sa loob.

Nakita kong bumakas agad sa mukha niya ang pagkabigla. He scoffed and looked away. He scratched the back of his head.

"Oh!" He exclaimed. "Uh, well... she just went home."

I nod my head again. Hinintay ko siyang may idugtong. I even raised a brow at him as if I'm asking him if he still got something to say.

"So... una na ko." Sabi ko at tinuro ang sasakyan ko.

Bahagya siyang umatras at tumango. Tinalikuran ko na siya upang buksan nang muli ang pinto pero agad ring natigilan nang magsalita siya.

"Aya's having her second cycle of chemotherapy next month."

"Yeah, I heard."

"So, uh... I'll see you then?" His voice sounded so hopeful.

The side of my lips rose. "Sure."

He pursed his lips and nods his head again.

"You didn't reply to me anymore."

I chuckled because I wasn't expecting him to open that one up.

"I was busy."

"You don't have time? At... night?"

"I'm studying." I reasoned out.

Hindi naman siya nakasagot agad at tumango nalang muli.

"And you seem busy as well. I saw your post on Facebook the other day. It looks like you're on a flight." I added.

"Yeah, but I can find time to message... you."

Bahagyang naningkit ang mga mata ko. Tinawa ko nalang iyon at sinubukan siyang asarin.

"We're you looking forward for my messages then?"

"A bit," he answered quickly.

Agad naman na gumihit ang mapaglarong ngisi sa kanyang labi nang makita niyang nabigla ako.

"Baka kasi may kailangan kang sabihin tungkol sa kundisyon ni Aya?" Dagdag niya.

Tumawa ako. "Kung mayroon man, hindi ako ang dapat magsasabi. Iyong attending physician ni Aya ang tanungin mo. Plus, I don't think there's still something that we should be talking about?"

"You can tell me how your day went."

"Why should I update you with how my day went?" Nangingiti at nagugulohan ko namang sinabi.

"Because we're friends?" Siya naman ang gumawa ng rason ngayon.

Ngumuso ako. Kung sabagay ganoon rin nga naman ako sa ibang kaibigan na malapit talaga sa akin. But... are we even that close to update each other with our lives?

He's so weird.

Pagod lang ako pero 'di ako manhid. Konti nalang papaniwalaan ko na si Carmela na baka nga may gusto 'to sa akin.

I squinted my eyes at him. Tinaasan niya naman ako ng kilay para magmukha siyang inosente.

"Okay then." sabi ko.

A ghost smile appeared on his lips. I couldn't help but smile a bit as well.

Hay nako, Archer Olivarez! You're such a grown-up man but you're so, so weird!

"Una na ko ha?" pagpapaalam kong muli.

"Sure. Take care, Felicity."

"Thanks. You, too."

Sabay ng pagtalikod niya ay ang pagdating naman nila Kuya Dominic. Agad na kumunot ang noo niya at sabay nilang sinundan ng tingin ni Serena si Archer.

"Sino 'yon?" Kuryosong tanong ni Kuya Dom.

"Ah... he's just a friend."

Ngumuso si Kuya Dom at binalingan muli ng tingin si Archer na pasakay na sa sasakyan niya ngayon. Sandali siyang tumingin sa gawi namin bago niya tuluyang sinara ang pintuan ng sasakyan niya.

Kuya Dominic hissed and looked up. He ran his hand over his chin while thinking deeply.

"I think I've seen him somewhere? I just couldn't remember. Familiar, e."

Somewhere? Saan naman kaya? Doon sa illegal underground fighting? Oh, no! Don't tell me Kuya Dom has been to that place as well! He's kind of reckless and adventurous. I wouldn't be surprised if he's been to that kind of place without Daddy knowing.

Punong-puno na agad ng pagdududa ang tingin sakanya. Natapos din naman agad siya sa kakaisip.

"Sa party ata? 'Di ko sure. But anyways, you must be tired, Fel. Hindi ka na sana sumama. Arielle and I will understand."

"No, Kuya, it's fine. I also wanted to be here since it's going to be our last dinner together before you go back in New York. 'Di na namin alam kung kailan kayo ulit makakabalik since parehas kayong abala sa trabaho."

Kuya Dom sighed.

"I really appreciate you being here despite having a long and bad day. Kaya tara na! Umuwi na tayo. Para makapagpahinga ka na rin."

Tumango ako at sa wakas ay nakapasok na ng sasakyan. Nang makauwi kami, nandoon na ang iba naming pinsan sa back garden. Nagpakita lang ako saglit bago ako pumanik sa kwarto ko upang makapagpahinga na.

My days went by quickly. Nang dumating ang araw ng pag-alis nila Kuya Dom at Serena, sinigurado ko na makakapag-iwan ako ng mensahe sa kanila.

I told them to take care on their flight. Mamimiss ko silang dalawa. I just hope that Kuya Dom will keep on calling me regularly because I wouldn't mind. 'Wag nga lang tuwing may duty ako.

I even saw Archer here at the hospital one time. Nagulat pa ako dahil alam ko ilang linggo pa bago ang susunod na chemotherapy cycle ni Aya, tapos nandito siya. Akala ko tuloy isinugod na naman ang kapatid niya dito.

Mabuti nalang at sinamahan niya lang pala ang isang kaibigan kaya siya nandito. Hindi rin naman kami nakapagusap pa ng matagal dahil abala ako sa trabaho at madami akong kailangang gawin.

Sa mga nagdaan na araw, naging maayos naman ang lahat. Nga lang, tuwing magkakalapit kami ni Lucas, awtomatiko na akong umiiwas.

Maybe what happened days ago made me a bit distant at him because I'm afraid of making the same mistake twice and receive another mouthful of words from him. Ayaw ko nang maulit pa iyon.

Sa lecture naman, 'di na ko madalas natutulala sa kanya gaya ng dati. Sa tuwing tinatanong niya ako, sagot at maliit lang na ngiti ang ibinibigay ko sakanya.

I think he also noticed that I'm trying to distant myself from him. Dahil habang nagtitipa ako ng mensahe para kay Kuya Dom, nabigla nalang ako nang bigla siyang tumambad sa harap ko.

I was about to pack all my things when he stopped me.

"You can stay." He said.

"Ah, 'di na, Dr. Kim. May pupuntahan din akong mga pasyente, e." sabi ko at mabilis na kinuha ang mga charts na dala ko.

"Did I do something wrong?" tanong niya nang paalis na sana ako.

"Huh?"

"You're avoiding me." humarap siya sa akin.

Bumuka ang bibig ko. Hindi ako makagawa ng palusot dahil alam kong nabisto na ako. Tinawa ko nalang tuloy iyon para 'di mahalata na guilty ako.

I gulped.

"We're both busy and... bakit naman kita lalayuan?"

"I don't know? You seem a bit distant."

I pursed my lips so it wouldn't be too obvious that I certainly felt something inside me moved because of that. Nakakatuwa lang na isipin na napapansin niya rin pala iyon.

It's good to know that I'm not invisible through his eyes.

"Marami kasing ginagawa since malapit na rin ang pagtapos ng rotation namin dito sa pediatrics. Pero 'di kiya nilalayuan ah?"

Lucas nods his head, mukhang bumigay at naniwala na sa rason ko. When he finished signing on the paper, agad akong nagmadali na magpaalam sakanya para 'di na kami magkasabay.

"Una na 'ko." hindi ko na siya hinintay pang makasagot at dali-dali na akong lumakad palayo.

Oonga, Fel. 'Di mo nga nilalayuan.