Song: Not Gonna Cry- Emma Steinbakken

Disappointed  

Hindi na ako nagulat pa nang mabilis na kumalat ang nangyari sa emergency room. My co-interns were so keen on finding out how I did it that they even flocked around me just so they would get hear my answer.

"Hindi ka ba pinagalitan?" kuryosong tanong ni Nigel.

Uh, well... about that...

At dahil nga mabilis na kumalat ang balita tungkol doon, agad rin nakarating iyon kay Lucas. He's the resident in charge to supervise our group so I'm not surprised when he quickly heard about it.

At first, I was expecting him to at least tell me that I did a great job because I saved someone's life. But... what I didn't expect is for him to scold me.

I get it. What I did was wrong but I was in an urgent situation and I had to think and move fast. Ilang minuto rin kaming naghihintay sa attending pero ang tagal nitong dumating.

As a doctor, I couldn't let my patient die in my hands. I was there and I know I have the capacity to save his life and so I did.

"Is it true that you drill a burr hole in a patient's head?"

Iyon agad ang naging tanong ni Lucas sa akin nang dumating siya sa ER. Tahimik pa akong nagcecelebrate sa ginawa ko kanina nang salubungin niya ako. His arms are crossed and he looks dead serious.

"Uhm... yeah, I did," I answered nervously. "Why? What's wrong?"

Mariin niyang ipinikit ang kanyang mga mata at hinilot ang sentido. I bit my lip because it seems like he's annoyed with what I did. I suddenly became uneasy.

"What did I tell you during your first day of internship?"

I bit my lip and tried to remember the many things that he said during that day.

"That if ever an emergency occured, we should not handle the patient alone. We need you or any attending's supervision before we do any medical procedure."

"O? Alam mo naman pala? Then, why did you do it?"

Hindi agad ako nakasagot at nanatili lang na nakatingin sakanya. Hindi ko naman inaasahan na magiging ganito ang reaksyon niya. I thought he's really going to tell me that I did a great job.

But maybe... I expected too much. Maganda mang tingnan ang ginawa ko para sa akin, pero sa iba... maaaring hindi.

Hindi ko rin naman masisisi si Lucas kung bakit siya nagagalit ng ganito. He has a point after all. Siguro ayaw niya lang rin malagay kaming dalawa sa kapahamakan. Ayaw niya rin sigurong makarating pa ito sa iba at pag-usapan lalo ang nangyari.

He's tasked to oversee our work. Kaya kung may mali man kaming magawa, maaaring siya rin ang masisi.

I sigh. I gave him an apologetic look.

"I understand. Buf if ever something bad happened to the patient, I'm ready to own up my mistake. I'm not going to drag anyone with me into my own failure. Talagang kinailangan ko lang na gawin 'yon dahil nag-aagaw buhay na iyong pasyente."

"But you're still an intern, Felicity," mariin niyang sinabi. "This may serve as your training before you enter the residency program, but you have to remember that you are not licensed to perform a procedure on a patient without a direct supervision by a licensed physician!"

"I know but-"

"What you did is illegal, Felicity. Do you understand that?!"

I opened my mouth to say something pero nabitin lang sa ere ang mga salita ko. Napakurap ako dahil bukod sa ayaw ko nang makipagtalo pa sakanya, narealize ko rin na tama siya. His words made me feel slightly disappointed with myself.

Even if I think I did the right thing, other people might still disagree with me.

"You are better than that, Felicity. I understand that you are only thinking about the patient's life. But what happens if you did something wrong? Sino ang malalagot? Hindi ba't ikaw?"

I nod my head slowly to agree with him. Yumuko ako upang iwasan na ang mga mata niya. Hindi naman ako na-inform na masakit pala sa damdamin kapag nagalit si Lucas.

He's always been so nice to me. Iyon ang nakasanayan kong pakikitungo niya sa akin. Kaya ngayong iba siya at galit, tila ba naninibago ako.

It was a bad day after all.

"I know. I'm sorry..." I whispered.

"The chief wants to talk to you. He wanted to suspend you for this reckless act but I told him not to. I forced him not to do it because I know that you have your reasons. I wanted you to learn, Felicity. But not like this. I don't want you to do anything that will put you and your ambitions in harm. I don't-"

Naputol ang sinasabi ni Lucas nang biglang dumating si Kuya Rico. Sabay kaming napabaling ng tingin sa kanya.

"It's not her fault. It was mine."

He gave me a small smile when he turns to me. His hands are both inside his pocket. He probably felt the tension between Lucas and I so he tried to act cool.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Garcia?" nagugulohang tanong ni Lucas.

"Napatagal ang pag-dating ko. I received the page but I didn't go right away because I was handling another patient. When I got to the ER, I already saw her cutting through the patient's head perfectly. Trust me, I was ready to take over if ever she does something wrong. But surprisingly, she didn't."

Bumuka ang bibig ko. I wasn't expecting that! I didn't know that Kuya Rico was there! Ni hindi ko siya napansin noong natapos kong gawin iyong procedure.

"But, Dr. Garcia, Dr. Donovan is still not-"

"I know. But I was watching. Even if I didn't tell her to do it verbally, watching her do it is like letting her do the procedure."

Hindi ko inalis ang tingin kay Kuya Rico nang dahil sa gulat. Even if it was a sigh of relief to know that, I suddenly felt bad because Kuya Rico had to do this in order for me to get away with what I did.

He didn't have to do that...

Handa naman akong panagutan ang ginawa ko kung sakali. If I'm going to be suspended, then so be it. I'm a person of principle. I follow what I think is right and I correct myself whenever I do something wrong.

"I just wanted Dr. Donovan to be careful that's why I'm concerned."

"Well, you have nothing to be worried about, Dr. Kim. I checked the patient after she left and there's nothing I could say. Dr. Donovan did a great job."

Yumuko akong muli at nagpakawala ng malalim na hininga. I feel like crying. I feel bad that someone has to save me from my own mistake. I don't want them to get in trouble because of me.

Naramdaman ko ang pag-lingon ni Lucas sa akin pero wala na akong lakas para tingnan siya pabalik.

"If the chief wants to talk to her, tell him to talk to me. I'll be willing to testify on her behalf." Dagdag ni Kuya Rico.

"Kuya Rico, you didn't have to..." sabi ko nang mapaangat akong muli ng tingin sa kanya.

He held onto my shoulders and gave me a reassuring smile.

"It's fine, Fel. I'm not doing this because I'm friends with Margaux and Brittany. I didn't interfere because I was confident that you can do it. And I was right. The best doctors are those who are confident in what they are doing. You have a bright future ahead of you, Felicity. Just don't do it again next time, okay? Wait until you have your license."

He chuckled a bit to lighten up the mood. I nod my head once and forced myself to smile back at him. I couldn't bring myself to thank him even if it is already enough to make me feel a bit better. I just continued to stare at him, still cannot believe that he's doing this.

Kuya Rico gave me another smile before he turns to Lucas.

"Now, where's the chief? I'd like to talk to him."

He left after Lucas told him where he last saw the chief. Ramdam ko ang paninitig ni Lucas sa akin nang umalis na si Kuya Rico. I clenched my jaw and breathed hard before I took all the bravery I have left in me to look at him in the eye.

"I just want to apologize for what happened. I promise not to do it again." my voice broke a little. I bowed my head a bit.

Tinalikuran ko siya at humakbang na palayo. When I turn my back on him, that's where my tears started to fall.

"Felicity!"

He tried to call for me but I was dedicated on leaving and not look at him again. I don't want him to see me cry. I also don't want him to feel bad for scolding me because I understand where he's coming from. I didn't take everything he said against him.

I just... feel disappointed with myself. Maybe the fellow's insult from a while ago drove me to make that rush decision. It's like I wanted to live up to his expectations. That I wanted to prove him wrong and show him that I'm capable of doing a lot of things.

Jessica was already worried about my decision but I still pushed through it even without an attending's supervision. I was hungry and frustrated to get their validation. Gustong-gusto ko na patunayan ang sarili ko kahit na hindi naman kailangan.

After all, I'm not doing this for them. I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this for my own future. That's why I don't get why I care so much about what they think.

This is probably one of the things that I should change about me. I'm not afraid of failures but I'm afraid of disappointing the people around me. It's like I live to feel their satisfaction with what I do and what they wanted to see me do. Rather than live for my own satisfaction.

Sometimes I have to think about myself and not think about other people.

I went straight to the female's comfort room. I checked if there's people inside and thankfully there's none. I walk towards the sink and stared at myself in front of the mirror for a good minute.

So much for trying to prove myself to those people who doesn't contribute anything into my life.

No matter how hard I try to make me feel good about myself... sometimes it's just not enough.

I pursed my lips. The more I stare at myself, the more I wanted to breakdown. I tried to hold it but it turns out that I can't.

My shoulders started shaking as I broke down in tears. Maybe this is the part where I start questioning myself. Is this really for me? Am I doing the right thing?

I had a bad and long day and I just want this to end. I feel burn out. It's just hard that I'm constantly working and trying to do my best every day but I still feel like I'm not doing enough because there are still people who don't see my efforts.

I work long hours every day and deal with a lot of patients. Maybe I also feel pressured that there are patients who are trusting me with their life. And because of that, I'm in a constant pressure with myself where I feel like I have to do everything perfectly or else I'll lose them.

I just hate the feeling of letting people down. Kaya siguro ako nagkakaganito dahil pakiramdam ko maraming nadismaya sa akin nang dahil sa ginawa ko.

That's why even if my co-interns are all congratulating me for doing a great job, I still don't feel like it. I still feel wrong and very disappointed.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Carmela asks when all of our co-interns left.

Kami nalang ang natitira dito sa locker room. She initiated on staying even if I told her that she doesn't have to wait for me anymore.

"Yeah. You can go home now, Carms. I'll be okay."

"But I can't leave seeing you like this. I know you're not okay. I'm sure what happened during the lecture still affects you. And I'm certain that someone gave a mouthful of words because of what you did."

I let out a deep sigh. Well, no matter how hard I pretend, my best friend is still going to notice everything.

Yumuko ako at dahan-dahang tumango. I told her what's been bothering me and I'm so glad that she's there to comfort me.

"You know what? Don't let that fellow's insult get the best of you. So what kung magaling na sila Ate Margaux at Ate Brittany? We already know that! But you still have a long way to go and you still have enough time to prove yourself. We're all just starting, Fel. 'Di tayo pinanganak na magaling agad."

I smiled a bit and wiped my tears away. She moved closer to me to wrap her arms around me.

"You do you, Fel. 'Wag mo nang pansinin ang mga gano'n. They're not worth your time. And to whoever scolded you a while ago..." she paused to ask whoever that person is.

"It's Lucas." I spoke. She scoffs like she was already expecting it.

"Well, yeah... take whatever he said and brush it all off and pretend like nothing happened. At least you learned, right? Alam mo na ang gagawin mo sa susunod. You'll be fine, Fel. You're doing enough, don't worry."

Ngumuso ako at tiningnan siya. She gave me a big reassuring smile. She even opened her arms wide to hug me. Lumapit ako at niyapos na siya gaya ng gusto niyang mangyari.

"Thank you... I really appreciate it."

"Of course. You got me and I got you. Now go and prepare. I'm sure your family is already waiting for you."

I smiled and nod my head.

Carmela helped me prepare for the dinner that Kuya Dominic organized. She didn't leave until I was ready and all prepped up. She even helped me do my make-up so it won't be too obvious that I cried before coming to that dinner.

I wore a sleeveless sunset colored pleated dress. My shoes are inside my car but since I can't drive with my heels on, I drove with my sneakers on.

Once I arrived at the restaurant, I immediately spot their cars at the parking lot. May bakante sa tabi ng sasakyan ni Kuya Dominic kaya doon ako dumiretso.

Even if I wasn't in the mood, I still forced myself to come. Kuya Dominic has been looking forward to this day and I also wanted to be here to celebrate before they leave again for New York.

I'll just pretend that everything's alright and enjoy this day.

Tiningnan kong muli ang sarili sa salamin upang siguraduhin na maayos akong tingnan. I grabbed my heels on the back seat and started to wear it.

When I entered the restaurant, I immediately spotted my chaotic family greeting each other. Paupo na sana sila sa kani-kanilang pwesto nang lumapit ako.

"I'm not so late, am I?" I said and smiled cheekily.

Ang mga kaninang nakaupo na ay tumayo muli upang batiin ako.

"Fely!" everyone greeted. I smiled.

I started greeting everyone. Walang mga batang kasama dahil intimate ang dinner na ito. Serena's family are here as well.

"You're just in time. Come on, sit beside me." sabi ni Kuya Gio.

Bago maupo ay binati ko si Ate Zaj na siya namang nasa tabi ni Kuya Gio. Everyone's with their spouses and I'm the only one without one. But it's not a big deal though. Who cares?

"Arielle and I already ordered our food in advance so don't worry." Kuya Dominic informed us before he called the attention of the waiter. He asked them to serve our wines.

At dahil may ari siya ng isang distillery at sinu-supply-an niya rin ang restaurant na ito, ang sariling gawa ang nirequest niya. It's from their latest collection. I haven't tasted this one so I'm excited to try.

"Ito 'yung nakita niyo na inendorse ni Arielle. She likes it." pagmamayabang ng kapatid ko.

Everyone nodded their head. Inamoy muna ni Kuya Gio iyong wine bago niya dinala ang wine glass sa kanyang bibig.

"Walang lason 'yan." ani Kuya Dominic nang mapansin ang ginawa ni Kuya Gio.

I chuckled when Kuya Gio automatically glared at him. Ewan ko ba dito kay Kuya Dom, si Kuya Gio ata palagi ang nakikita, e.

"Ako na naman ang nakita mo, Dom."

Kuya Dominic chuckled cutely. He aimed for a toast so that's what we did.

"Oh, by the way..." si Kuya Benj. "Here's Kelsey and I's gift. Iyan na ang request mo."

My eyes widened a bit when I realized that my brother indeed asked everyone to get him something. I can't believe they all fell into his trap!

"Yes!" Kuya Dominic laughed like a witch. Agad niyang inabot ang regalo na iyon.

I saw Serena's forehead creased. Nagugulohan niyang tiningnan ang asawa.

"You asked them to give you something?" Hindi makapaniwala nitong tanong.

Nahihiya namang ngumiti at tumangi si Kuya Dom. He opened Kuya Benj's gift excitedly.

Nakita kong nakangisi si Kuya Benj habang pinapanood si Kuya Dominic na buksan iyong maliit na regalo. Even Kuya Gio is chuckling beside me. Napakunot ang noo ko dahil pakiramdam ko may kakaibang mangyayari.

Ibinaling ko naman muli ang tingin kay Kuya Dominic na tapos nang tanggalin ang gift wrapper. Nang buksan niya ang maliit na box, agad siyang nadismaya sa nakita.

"A Starbucks reward card? But I didn't ask for this!"

Mabilis na nabalot ng tawanan ang lamesa namin nang dahil sa naging reaksyon niya. Si Kuya Benj, malakas nang tumatawa ngayon. Nakahawak pa siya sa kanyang tiyan.

"Hahaha! Got you! Akala mo maiisahan mo ko?"

"Why? Why? Why? What's happening?" nagugulohang tanong ni Ate Brittany.

Kahit ang mga tito at tita namin ay nagugulohan na sa nangyayari. I just hope Kuya Dom didn't ask them for something, too. Abusado na siya.

"Well, apparently, this guy thought that we're really going to give him that he wants. Mabuti nalang sinabi ni Gio sa amin na 'di naman daw required at gumawa lang ng paraan 'tong si Dominic para maisahan tayo." sabi ni Kuya Aiden.

"What? May sinabi si Gio sa inyo? Bakit hindi ko alam?" Si Ate Margaux.

Nang dahil doon, agad na sumilay ang masayang ngiti sa labi ni Kuya Dom. He leaned over the table and smiled at our sister cutely.

"So, you got me something, Ate?"

Nagugulohan parin si Ate Margaux ngayon at hindi parin makapaniwala sa nangyayari.

"Yeah. Kung alam ko lang na 'di naman required, 'di ko bibilin 'to noh! Pinahirapan ko pa si Jaxon na ipahanap 'yan para sa'yo! Goodness!"

Hinilot ni Ate Margaux ang kanyang sentido sabay inabot ang paper bag kay Kuya Dom. Kuya Dom smiled like a 10-year-old kid who just got his favorite present on Christmas day.

"It's fine. I'm Kuya Jaxon's favorite brother-in-law so it's no big deal, right?" Kuya Dom turned to Kuya Jaxon.

He gave him a meaningful smile, parang pinipilit na sumangayon sakanya. Kuya Jaxon chuckled a bit before nodding his head.

"Yeah, yeah." sagot niya na mukhang pilit pa.

"I also got Dominic something since Gio," mariin at sarkastikong sinabi ni Ate Brittany. "Didn't tell us anything! Ganito na pala sa pamilya natin ngayon 'no? Nagtataguan na ng sikreto?"

Matalim niyang tiningnan si Kuya Gio. He looked taken a back so he pointed at me.

"Kay Felicity ko lang nalaman na hindi naman kailangan! Dominic didn't ask her to give him anything!"

O? Bakit parang ako pa ang may kasalanan?

"But I didn't know that he asked everyone to give him something!" sabi ko upang dipensahan ang sarili.

"Ahh! You!" Ate Margaux groaned at Kuya Dominic.

She stood up to attack him but thankfully, Kuya Jaxon managed to stop her. He kept her in place. Meanwhile, Ate Brittany's mouthing something at Kuya Dom. Nanlalaki pa ang mga mata niya at sa tingin ko minumura na niya ito.

I scoffed.

"I didn't ask Fel because she's still not earning like everyone of us! Respeto nalang sa nag-sisimula pa!" ani Kuya Dominic.

Everyone immediately calmed down because of his valid reason. Hindi nga lang makapaniwala si Kuya Dom sa binigay ni Kuya Aiden na underwear! Pang-bata pa ata 'yung binigay kaya mas lalo kaming natawa.

"I can't believe you're pranking me now!" Kuya Dominic complained.

"Reverse card, Dom!" natatawa-tawang sinabi ni Kuya Benj.

On the other hand, even if Kuya Benj and Kuya Aiden pranked my brother with their gifts, Kuya Gio still ended up on giving the latest version of iPhone that he got for our brother. Halos 'di maipaliwanag ang itsura ni Kuya Dom nang makita niya ang inaabot ni Kuya Gio.

"Uy! 'Di 'to prank ha?"

"Kung ayaw mo, akin nalang." Kuya Gio rolled his eyes.

"Tss. Ikaw naman, 'di mabiro," Kuya Dom smirked. He gave a meaningful look to Kuya Gio before giving him a finger heart. "I love you."

Kuya Gio quickly made a disgusted face. Mukhang 'di matanggap na sinabi iyon ng kapatid.

"Ugh! That's so cringey, Dom! Just shut up and keep that phone!"

Isang ngiti pa ang iginawad ni Kuya Dom sakanya bago ito muling naupo sa kanyang silya.

"Dominic, akala ko naman pagmamahal lang ang nililimos mo. Regalo din pala." biro ni Tito Chad, ang uncle ni Serena.

Halos mabulunan si Serena sa sinabi niyang iyon. Even my whole family laughed.

"'Di ko na kailangang mamalimos ng pagmamahal, Tito. Nakuha ko na, e." Kuya Dominic said sweetly before winking at Serena who's already looking at him ridiculously. He even bumped her using his shoulder.

She rolled her eyes and shake her head.

"Ehh! Baduy mo!"

"Tumigil ka nga, Dom. Panget mo."

"Dominic, sana nanahimik ka nalang."

"Maganda ang araw namin ngayon, 'wag mong sirain."

Iyan ang mga salitang bumalot sa lamesa namin pagkatapos ng banat ni Kuya Dom. He doesn't seem to mind the hate and teasing that he's receiving because he only shrugged his shoulders arrogantly.

Ngumisi naman ako at inabot ang wine glass. As I was taking a sip of my white wine, my eyes lingered over at the restaurant's entrance.

I was surprised to see who just entered the vicinity. Naibaba ko ang wine glass ko nang makitang hindi lang pala siya nag-iisa. May kasama siyang babae at iginigiya niya ito papasok sa loob.

Inilibot ni Archer ang tingin sa buong restaurant at sa 'di inaasahang pagkakataon, nahagip niya ang mga mata ko. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin at nagkunwaring walang nakita.

Nang mag-angat akong muli ng tingin, nakita kong nakatungkod na ang siko ni Ate Margaux sa lamesa at handa nang makiusosyo sa akin. She also must've noticed the one that entered.

Kahit na si Kuya Jaxon ang katabi ko, nagawa niya pang tumuwad palapit sa akin para lang makiusosyo. Kuya Jaxon remained to be seated straight. Nakahawak ang isa niyang kamay sa braso ni Ate Margaux na nakapatong sa hita niya.

My sister raised a brow at me.

"Hindi ba't iyon 'yung piloto na nasa ospital dati? May girlfriend pala 'yon?"