Lloyd's POV

Tw: self harm

I just told Kai everything about my life before and at darkleys and to be honest I just feel so much lighter, like part of the weight that I have been carry as long as I can remember has been lift and I can breathe. Though now Kai knows and that means he will probably just think I'm even more messed up than before with my self harm and depression God why am I do broken is it so hard to be normal. 

I glance down at my wrists, my most recent scars from last night and I feel the familiar feeling in my heart and stomach to do it again. You deserve it my head says and now it feels more of a habit almost than anything else I can't imagine my life with out the scars and when they faced I .... I get worried about losing them. I can feel Kai's eyes on me, the worried expression I know on his face because I know he knows what I'm thinking.

 "Lloyd" Kai sounds like he is about to start crying, that not good I don't want him to get hurt. "Hm..." I said trying to act chill like I haven't just had a massive panic attack in front of him. "You need help Lloyd this" he motioned at my wrists obviously receding to my self harm and all my other issues, "this isn't healthy and it's dangerous Lloyd" Kai said not looking me in the eye just staring at the blank wall. I know Kai, I know it's bad and dangerous and I know I'm fucked up but I can't stop and I need this , I think and he continues "you need help Lloyd, proper help I..... I can't lose you, you and Nya are all I have Lloyd I need you... so please if not for you for me please, please let me help you" Kai was crying silently and begging me.

I hate this because I know this is hurting Kai but I can't stop and I don't want to be any more of a burden than I already am, besides Skylor needs him for some private reason personally I'm getting he got her pregnant. Wait! Nya is pregnant! Jay is gonna be a dad..... That's so weird. 

 "Ok" I said " I will try Kai I'll try for you and Harumi I promise". Kai look at me and hugged me tight, "thank you Lloyd" he said. "Sooo.... You got over the fact Jay got Jay pregnant yet?" I ask knowing full well I have probably just dug Jays grave but hey this was way to heavy I needed something to 

 A. Lighten the mood 

And B. Take the attention off of me 

 " no he is in so much trouble but I know Nya needs me so Jay can wait for now" Kai said "you coming? "He asked looking at me as he stood up from the floor. "Yeah sure just give me a few minutes ok?" I said smiling slightly looking up at my big brother, and I realised just how much Kai has grown up since the first time I met him, I know it's weird and cheesy but he really has grown up and I'm proud of him.

 "See you soon then Lloyd " Kai replied as he walked out losing the door behind him leaving me alone on the floor and my thoughts. I felt the bag for the cuts and burns but I promised Kai literally like 2 minutes ago I can do this so instead of going and finding a blade or lighter I walked out to the kitchen where everyone else was and for the first time for a while I felt proud of myself. This was the first step. I can do this.