Shawnie's POV

After Chris left, I gave Joe some space to cool off. I went into my room and I took a shower and got dressed for the day. It was killing me that he was upset and I want to address it because I was having bad flashbacks of when he left the first time. I chose to give him some time but I really didn't want to. I just wanted to get this spat over with and make up. But that's something I'm working on in therapy. Other people have feelings too, it's not all about me and what I want.

I check my phone and I see 3 missed calls from Aubrey. He's really not giving up. I shouldn't have gone over to his house that day and I damn sure shouldn't have had sex with him or stayed the night. That was a major fuck up for me. I have had a couple of therapy sessions about that decision. There's still an attachment there and I hate it, but I'm working on it as we speak. Not interacting with him is helping break that attachment. There's also an attachment to Joe and I'm not letting this or anything else ruin us again, especially not my stupidity. I'm really working on this thing Joe and I have and staying away from Aubrey is what's best for us.

I came back into the living room and Joe was sitting on the sofa. I stood there for a couple of seconds making sure I wasn't interrupting his conversation, but he never looked at me. It sounded like he was on the phone with his mom.

"Okay. Yeah...yeah, I'll tell her mom. Okay, I love you bye." He shakes his head as he ends the call. "My mom says hi." He says without looking up from his phone. I didn't even know he knew I was standing here.

"When you speak to her again, tell her I said hello." I say. "Are you still upset with me?" I ask.

"I'm not upset with you," he replies. "I'm actually frustrated with myself for overreacting to what you did. I should have anticipated it."

I approach him and take a seat beside him. "I was just concerned about you hurting him. That's all," I say, swinging my legs onto his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck. "But I promise I won't do it again. I apologize."

He remains motionless, not even placing a hand on my leg. He simply sits there, deep in thought.

"Joe?"

"I hear you." He says

"But, you're not saying anything."

"I did, I said I hear you." He says

"...but I can't shake the feeling that you're still angry at me," I express.

"It's fine," he replies with an impassive expression.

In an attempt to make amends, I gently hold his face and repeatedly kiss him on the cheek, apologizing in between each one.

"Oh my god..." he says but doesn't really show any emotion. "Something is wrong with you..." he adds but I don't stop.

If I would've known he would get so upset about something like this I would not have done it. I understand why he's upset. It's pretty much the same reason Chris was upset when I jumped in front of Aubrey to protect Aubrey from Chris. I get it.... But I honestly didn't want Joe to hurt Chris. Joe would rip him apart.

I continued kissing his cheek but I was getting tired. I'm sure he knew that that's probably why he didn't say anything or try to push me off of him.

"Are you done?" He asks

"Nope." I say and he smirks at me.

He laughs, and turns towards me a little. Now I'm kissing the side of his mouth.

"I'll let you do this all night. You'll get tired." He says

I stop and look at him. "You're so mean. I'm trying to show you I'm sorry. I just want you to forgive me." I start kissing him repeatedly again.

He finally slides his arm around the back of me. "I forgave you as soon as you did it. I just wanted you to sit with what you did and acknowledge the reason why I reacted that way." He turns his face to meet my lips and he kisses me. "So don't do it again."

"I won't." I say

He looks me in my eyes. "You know, I see what you do. That shits not gonna work with me."

"What are you talking about?"

"The way you manipulate them into getting what you want. I see that's what you do and I'm not gonna allow it to happen to me. The only reason I'm cool now is because I see that you just didn't want him to get hurt and I believe you when you say that." He says

"No, I definitely take accountability for it. It's just a habit. I'm just so used to protecting them that it's kind of hard to break. If this was a couple of years ago, I would've done the same thing, but the situation would've turned out differently. I would've told you to leave and Chris knows that." I say

"That's something I want you to be more aware of. I can pretty much tell when you're up to bullshit and I know you've been working on yourself. I also know you've been trying to be more aware. It's fine if you slip back in your old ways, just as long as you know where you went wrong and learn from it."

"I promise!" I say with a smile but he doesn't smile back.

"Now that this between us is a little thing, I need you to know, if you ever go back to either one of them, we're done. And I mean completely done. If somehow we ended up together, we wouldn't be together anymore and ain't no going back on that. I'll go back home to Vegas and that'll be the end of it. If you're dealing with me, then you're dealing with only me. I'm fine with you dating around but there's a zero tolerance when it comes to those two.... And Christian as well."

"You don't have to worry about Christian."

"I might not, but I didn't like how eager he was when you guys  first got in contact."

I laugh, and roll my eyes.

"I'm not wrong. He was willing to risk his relationship for you and it was suspicious to me." He says

"But we don't have to worry about that." I say. "......I know we're not together and there's a possibility that we will never be together but I do understand that you just don't want me to go back down that path and neither do I. And I won't. I think that I have grown a lot recently and you've helped with that. I like who I'm becoming and I appreciate what you do for me. Whatever you want, I told you I'll do it and I'm okay with it. I'm serious."

"Okay." He says

I reposition myself and straddle him, placing my arms back around his neck.

"I'm serious. It will never happen again."

"I said okay." He holds eye contact with me. I can't read him. It's always been hard to read Joe and if he isn't talking, it's hard to pick up on emotion from him. I feel like he doesn't believe me but I can't prove it. I'm telling the truth. I'll prove it to him over time. I'm serious about this and I'm serious about Joe.

I know the changes I need to make to continue with this and I fully intend on doing that. I have made a mistake twice when it comes to him and I hate that things have gone this way between us already. Me lying to him was a very dumb mistake on my part and I knew when I went to Vegas I was gonna have to apologize for it and never do it again. Today, it's just natural to me and I need to be more aware of what I do.

I am dead serious when it comes to Joe. I know what it takes to keep this going. He is not for any of the bullshit and I'm going to step up and be the mature woman I know I am. He is a different type of man. He is a grown ass man and he's very sure of himself. I cannot say the same thing about my exes. He's just different and that's what I gravitate towards. I love that.

I lean down and kiss him. He kisses me for a couple of seconds, then he pulls away and just looks at me.

"What?"

"I told you, I know your moves. They don't work on me." He says

"I'm not doing anything." I get a little irritated because I'm truly not doing anything. I just want my lips attached to his for a few minutes. "I just like kissing you."

"I like kissing you too but I just had to say that again in case you were trying it."

I smile. "Just kiss me."

He smiles back at me and kisses me. He holds my face with both of his hands and we make out for a few minutes. That is until...

"Oh! My bad!" We hear from behind us. I turn around and see Ben leaving back out of the front door.

"No, it's okay." I say. "You can come in." I climb off of Joe and sit next to him. "What's up?"

He walks in like he's embarrassed. I'm not sure if he knew anything about Joe and I. Crazy he has to find out this way but it's important he knows not to tell anyone.

"I just heard about what happened with Chris, I was coming to check on you."

I open my mouth to speak but Joe beats me to it.

"She's straight." Joe says

"Okay...." He says

"Ben, have a seat." Joe says and he does. "You didn't see anything."

"Nah, I got you. You don't have to worry about that." Ben says

"I hope not. I shouldn't have to say but what you see here stays here."

"I know. I knew when we were in Vegas. It's not my place to say anything. Your secret is safe with me." Ben says

I knew I liked him.

"Where's Kevin." I ask

"He's out back."

"How's everything going with him? Has he been giving you a hard time or anything?" Joe asks

"Not necessarily..." They start talking but my attention goes to my phone.

I see my phone light up and turn off. I look at it and see Aubrey called but hung right up. I didn't want to call back so I just texted him.

Me: Is there something you need?

Aubrey: My son

Me: Why did you call and hang up?

Aubrey: Accident. My son?

Me: I'm home. You can come and get him, he will be ready in an hour.

Aubrey: Can you bring him? I wanna discuss something with you.

Me: We don't need to talk. If you can't come I'll have my cousin drop him off to you.

Aubrey: Just get here.

I look at my phone like he done lost his mind.

Me: No.

Aubrey: Who this nigga you posting?

Me: I don't want to come over and talk. I'm offering a solution so you don't have to come.

I purposely avoid his question. It ain't none of his business.

Aubrey: Fine. I'll come there.

Me: Okay. Call when you're outside the gate. I'll have someone bring him out to you.

Aubrey: What the fuck. I bought that motherfucker so I can come in when I get ready. Give me the gate code.

Me: No. The only thing you did was give the check. This house isn't in your name and you're not welcomed over here. Now are you coming in an hour or not?

Aubrey: I'm coming to get him.

Me: Call when you're outside the gate.

I close the thread and go into another and ready the text.

Text: Figured you might want the other one since you playing games with ppl lol

I laughed and saved the photo. I went to Instagram and posted it with the caption "Shit ain't how you think it is take a look around"

I laugh to myself because I keep quoting him and I know people are catching on to it. Oh well.

Me: I think I may be able to get away later? Are you free?

Text: I'll make myself free.

Me: I'll be by later

I send the text then I see Aubrey texted back but I don't respond.

I start seeing a bunch of comments. Come in again just like before. They are trying to guess who it is again. I think it's funny that they're so invested. As long as it ain't Drake or Chris, they should be happy. They can have their men back.

My phone starts vibrating in my hand and it was Chris calling. Oh lord. Here we go again. I know I told that man that I would talk to him later. I do not believe that he is calling me now.

I stand up to go take the call in another room, but Joe stops his conversation with Ben to ask me where I was going.

"Chris is calling. I'm just gonna take his call in another room." I say

"Are you alright to talk to him?" he asked with a straight face.

"Yes. I'm okay." I say

"Okay...holler if you need me." He says and I nod my head.

"Hello?" I answer as I walk away from Joe.

"I know what you said but that shit doesn't sit right with me."

"What now, Chris?" I exhale, but rolling my eyes.

"First, I just wanted to show you that I'm calm."

"Okay. What else?" I ask

"Is you with him or what?"

"Or what..." I say to be an asshole. I knew he couldn't let this shit go. I'm tired of repeatedly having this conversation with him.

"What is it? I know we are not getting back together and you've been standing on that lately, but I'm just trying to figure out why can't we see how single life plays out for us."

"Boy—Christopher...I want to be single and not have any bullshit going on...and you ain't single how you think you are. You have Jasmine and I'm single." I explain

"You sure about that?"

"Yes."

"You want Joe." He says

I sigh, "I also want peace, I want calmness, I want it to be quiet, and I want privacy."

"So it's you and him now?"

"No." I say in frustration. "We're not together and we're not gonna be together. I told you, I'm talking to somebody else."

"This orange wearing nigga? Who is it? Why you playing games with people?" He says sounding upset.

I kinda laugh to myself because he's upset about not knowing who I'm talking to too. Just like Aubrey. I don't feel they need to know.

"I'm talking to someone and that's all you need to know, and when you do need to know anything, I will let you know."

"Aight." He says

"Seriously Chris this has to stop. I hate to have to be so fucking firm with you like this, but fucking stop. You just told me you know nothings gonna happen between us so stop acting the opposite. You can't come in here and act how you do you. If you keep doing it I'm going to have to tell you you're not welcome here. I don't want to treat you like I have to do Aubrey."

"Aight. I got it. You've been saying you don't like the life I've given you and being with me will only make it worse." He says. Yes! He's getting it.

"Exactly. I love you and I always will, but I would never want to get back with you based off of that alone. Yes, there's been a lot of shit that has nothing to do with that but I think you know how much shit I can take when it comes to me being in a relationship with someone and one mistake would not break us up if you weren't you..."

"I already know what you wanna say. So just say it." He says

"I know this may sound super hard to hear, but this is the only thing that I can think of that could've avoided all of this."

"Just say it... You wish you never met me. I know you. I know that's exactly what you wanna say."

I sigh. "I know I just feel like all of this could've been avoided if I never got involved with you. All of that hurt, all of the feelings and shit that has come up over the years that I had buried deep down and wasn't even thinking about. I wasn't having this many issues until I met you. You brought the media in my life and all of these people and it's just been fucking crazy. It's not your fault because it was my decision but I just wish I would've stood firm in not wanting anything with you."

"Your trauma would've come back up." He says

"I believe that, but I wouldn't be dealing with everything on top of that. If it wasn't for you, and I'm not blaming you, I don't want you to think that I am, but I just think that if we had never met, all of this wouldn't have happened and I haven't really been able to come to grips with everything because it's always one thing after another. The only time I really ever had any peace is when I was in San Diego with Joe. We had so many conversations about different things and I came to that realization. Which is part of the reason why I refuse to get back with you because I think that it's going to cause more problems. I told you before I can't deal with mine and yours because I'm going to take on your problems as my own. You know that, it's happened before."

"Okay...." He says. He sounds like he's over this whole thing. I am too. It's like every year we have this conversation.

"You have no boundaries...." I say thinking back to all the times Chris lacked respect for my relationship and whatever this is Joe and I have going on.

He scuffs, "Neither do you. You'd fuck me in front of Jasmine if you could."

"Yeah, because I can be a bitch sometimes. You know that. But I'm not that woman anymore and I think she's cool." I say. "I wouldn't do that to her."

He laughs. "We're not that couple anymore, or those individuals. I just want you to know I'm proud of the moves you're making in your life as far as within yourself. I see what you're trying to do and I'm sorry for taking you off of that. I just.."

"You want what you want. It's okay. I know you and I know you care about me but everyone doesn't know you how I do. They don't take you the same way I would."

"That's true." He says

"....So, I have to set boundaries. I never have I've tried, but you didn't follow them, and I didn't follow them.  I love you, you know that, but this has to be done for us to move on. We're not gonna be together again. I think you have to get that out of your head and I have to start thinking differently when it comes to you."

"Shawnie, I get what you're saying, I really do, but—."

I cut him off. "I'm sorry, but whatever you were about to say, let's not go there. I know there is residual feelings involved and that's why I am trying to be as gentle with you as possible. I know our history and I know the things that we've gone through. I know all of the love we have for each other but it's time for us to let that go. I don't think we will ever work out again."

There was a silence for a couple of minutes and I literally made a couple of minutes. I knew he had something to say and I didn't want to disregard how he was feeling. I really wanted to hear what he had to say because I really do plan on this being it.

"I understand what you mean. You're right and I can't let go because I am hell-bent on redeeming myself. This isn't healthy. I know it's not. I've told you a couple times that I feel you're the only one who deserves my loyalty and my love and I stood on that shit. I still feel that way even with this conversation... But I understand, I gotta let it go." He says. "Yeah...Aight...so what now?"

"So, like I said, I have to set boundaries. I'm going to start with do not pop up over here. If you're gonna come here, you have to call or text me and let me know. And you need to wait for my response. You know I don't have an issue with you being around but maybe the guy I'm talking to might, so I think it's better this way.

"Joe is a bitch."

"Chris, let's not do that. You know why Joe does a lot of the things that he does. I know you do. He has never been disrespectful towards you. It's always been a response to something you did or said to him. I would appreciate it if you would not talk to me about him like that."

"Damn, so you really gon do me like that."

"I'm not about to let you talk shit about Joe to me. I'm not letting that shit fly at all." I say

"I'm sorry." He says

"And I'm sorry too. I hope we can move on from this."

"Don't we always?" He says

"Yea." I say

"I assume Gen will be home shortly. Is it okay for me to come back then?"

"Yes." I say

"Aight..." he says then hangs up.

I go back out to the living room and sit next to Joe.

"Everything good?"

"Yup. Everything's fine!" I smile. "He'll be back in an hour to pick up Gen."

"With the kids being gone, take some time for yourself." He says

"I actually have made some plans."

"With who, mystery man?"

"Yes. Just going to spend time with him. Not going out."

"Oh ok. I'm going to take the guys out and have a talk with them."

"Uh-Oh! What's going on?" I ask

"Nothing for you to worry your pretty little self about." He smiles

I just laugh. This man is so damn fine. I wasn't even trying to but I have a flashback of this morning. The way he touched me sent chills through my body.

"Stop thinking about sex." He said and laughs.

"I'm not."

"You're lying..."

"I mean, we were supposed to shower together after Chris left, but all of that stuff happened and... You know..."

"Yeah and you're not getting it." He says. "That's your punishment."

"Fine."

"You want sex am awful lot...I'm an old man. I can fuck like I used to." He says, laughing and joking with me.

"Oh, you're fucking me just fine." I say, laughing as well.

"I know I am..." he smiles and stands up. "Aight, I'll be back later. I hope you'll be home when I get back."

I didn't say anything, I just smiled as I watched him leave.

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