Shawnie's POV

Once we got back to his house we ate the food we picked up on the way home. I was thinking about the kids and what I was going to do with them as soon as I got home. I was missing them a lot. I was about to text my dad when I got a text from Mercedes.

Mercedes: Your ex husband is crying again. 😂

Me: 🙄

Mercedes: So they premiered this random song on OVO Sound and he's going on about someone needs to rescue him.

Me: He can't be saved.

Mercedes: 🤣 listen to it. 

Me: Not interested and I'm busy.

Mercedes: I think Joe will understand. Just watch it and after you're done make him stop whining.

I roll my eyes at the text and look at Joe.

"Drake?"

"No, Mercedes just told me to listen to something  Aubrey played on his radio station. Is it okay?"

"Yeah. I don't care." He says, stuffing his face.

I had to do a little digging but I had found it on YouTube. I click the post and listened.

I just rolled my eyes. He's back to this bullshit. He thinks because he says Mami in the song that that's gonna do something. He can say it all he wants, it's not going to change anything. I'm not giving this no energy.

I put my phone down and I started eating again. I noticed Joe glanced at me a couple of times but I didn't say anything. But then I thought about what he said in the car.

"So when you say you're with it, what does that mean?" I ask

He laughs for a second. "I guess you're unimpressed with the song!"

"I don't care about that. He's been trying to— I don't care. Anyway, what did you mean?" I ask

"Exactly what it meant. You coming all the way here to come get me, shows a lot and I'm wit it. It shows how much you want me in your life, there's more to just taking a flight here. Just like you told me, I know how to read between the lines." He smiles

"So with all that's happened since I've been here what do you think we should do about all of this?"

"I'm going to do exactly what we talked about. I'm going to sell the house. I'm going to sell the car. I'm still debating about keeping the money, but I get where you're coming from when you say you want me to keep it. I think you're beyond generous and I'm grateful for that. You met my mom and you see how much she loves you and she didn't even know you. You really got us out of a bond that we were in and I'm forever grateful for that."

"I feel it's the least I could do." I say

"But, without force, my feelings have changed. But I still fear the unknown."

"I'm not trying to be in a relationship with you." I say with a laugh. I know that's what he's worried about. That's the last thing on my mind right now.

"There's nothing wrong with being in a relationship, it's just the seriousness of it after a while. That's the exact reason I don't get into them. They become serious. I'm always cautious to take that next step. I keep that shit away from me."

"You keep it away from you?" I ask

"I try to. But.... Like I said, there's nothing wrong with it. I've obviously been in multiple relationships before. I just don't want to lead anyone on because I'm unsure of myself or what I want in the future." He says. "I know....you're here and I feel something for you....I don't want to get too into details. I'm sure you can put two and two together with all the conversations we've had about this. I'm there with you, I'm just..."

"...You're scared." I say, finishing his sentence. I never thought I would see the day that Joe was scared of anything. Wow. Something had to have happened in his past for him to be this way, but I'm not gonna pry, or ask a bunch of questions about it. If he feels comfortable enough, he'll tell me.

He takes a deep breath and lets it out. "Anyway, I'm happy you came." He says, avoiding the rest of that talk.

"I'm happy you asked me to stay." I say

There was a long and awkward pause in the conversation. Why did this just gets so awkward? I don't know if I should say something or if he was trying to say something but in his moment, I kind of felt like he was still trying to get out his thoughts.

"I wanted to come back... although I needed to leave, how I left was fucked up but I didn't know how to apologize. Then days turned into weeks...."

"Don't ever feel uncomfortable saying anything to me." I say. "You could've just come back. You didn't even have to apologize to me." I say

"I know but I felt I had to." He says

"I said I understood why you left." I say, then smile. "I just gotta say, you've been so open since I've been here and have shown much more emotion and I've gotten so much more information out of you in these last couple of days than I ever have."

He laughs

"You don't show emotion, Joe. Sometimes you do but not like that. And you don't volunteer information. I've learned so much about you since I've been here. I knew a little about who you were before, but not like this. Like I said before, I've seen a different side of you. I don't know if it's because you're home or what, but I really like this Joe.... I mean I like the mean and scary Joe as well, but this one is easier to get along with...not that we didn't get along...."

He laughs. "I know what you mean." He says. "I made a decision to show you who I really am because you're right, I did hold back a lot. I didn't want to fully open up to you because I worked for you, but I slowly started to show you who I was towards the end. I think that's another reason why I was so upset." He explains

"I'm sure it was."

"But like I said, I feel like you're a different person now that you're out of that relationship. And given the situation, I don't really have to worry about overstepping anymore, so I give you a different side of me. I feel a little bit at ease where I can say or do what I want and not have him breathing down my back because of it." He explains

"I totally get that." I say. "...... I really like this."

He doesn't say anything he just nodded his head and cracks a small little smile. I think he agrees. It was that awkward silence again but this time I don't think either of us knew what to say. I don't want to be with Joe but I like him around and I like being so open with him. I kind of feel like I've never had this before. Actually, I know I've never had this before because I've never fully been open with anyone. I just don't wanna let this go... There's definitely something here.

"Whatever you want, I'm okay with it..."

Why would I say that? I don't think that came out right. I feel like it makes me sound desperate. Shit. That's not how I wanted that to come off. My gosh now he probably thinks I'm desperate.

"Whatever I want?" He reiterates, looking down at the table with a smirk on his face. "Meaning, you know my take on things and you're okay with that." He says

"Yes." I say. Maybe I should clean this up a little.

"Mmhmm...." He says

Awkward silence.

"...I don't plan on getting into anything. I'm just trying to take care of the kids and chill...." I kind of backtrack a little.

"Look, I understand where you're coming from, but we already have developed feelings for each other. I like you, that's obviously." He says. "Neither one of us wants labels or for anything to get serious. And that's for good reason. I have commitment issues and you just got divorced, and you don't want to be tied to anyone—."

"Yeah but—I'll make that exception for you... not relationship wise but......whatever you want. I'm okay with it. We haven't talked much about it but I think we both know how we feel about the other. I think if we have an understanding, we can water this." I say

"Yeah...My thing is no long term planning. I hate that shit." He says, then he goes silent. "..... and I don't like when people tell me what to do. That shit scares me off. That comes off as you want the control. I'm capable of making grown man decisions..."

"You want to lead. I understand." I say. Is he actually considering this?

"You know.....I can give you what you want, but I don't want you to ask for what you know I don't want." He says. "Maybe we can have a three month agreement, reevaluate after that time is up."

"I'm wit it." I say with a smile.

He laughs. "You're with that?"

"Yes." I say. "I want you, Joe."

"But I still want you to explore your options. If you find something better, go with that. I'm just here for whatever you need. Remember? Nothing changes." He says

"Yeah, but that's kind of harsh to do to you, don't you think?"

"It's what we've been doing. Just don't change on me."

"Okay." I say

"And I don't want to be a distraction for you. You still have a lot to work on and I don't want to be in the way of that. You've done a lot of work in your own you just need to practice it. I want to help you and get you through this. I want what's best for you because I care about you. I need you to promise that you'll continue to work on you."

"I will."

"No blame game, because you know you do that." He says

I shake my head from side to side. "No. I'm taking full responsibility for everything. I'm sticking to my word and I'm doing what's right for me."

He smiles. "That's what I want to hear. And therapy?"

"Oh, I've been going weekly, sometimes twice a week...sometimes three. I have emergency sessions as well. He makes himself assessable to me."

"Good. Stick with that. Don't let anyone turn that away from you....." he gets a serious look on his face. "Shawnie, I don't want to take anything from you. I want you to overcome this. I want you to get everything you deserve. You're a good person. I know what this could look like to other people, I'm fully aware of that. Of course I want to physically protect you but it goes deeper than that. I want to protect your heart. You have a good heart." He says. "It isn't about me trying to fix you. You don't need to be fixed. You just need to be reminded who you are, what you're capable of, and that you're capable of having everything you want. I just felt I needed to express that."

"Thank you, and I know the person you are. You don't need to say any of that but I appreciate you saying  that. I know you see past what everyone sees and that's why value what you say. I think some people have forgotten who I really am. Let's take my cousin for instance. She used to give me what I needed when I needed it, but now, it's like she only ignores and judges me. Sometimes I get the old Mercedes but she's nonexistent nowadays. I think she's caught up in the fame part of everything. She's changed and it's for the better because she was a walking felony but I don't think she cares much about me anymore."

"She cares. Maybe she's just having trouble adjusting to the transforming you too. She doesn't know how to approach you either. You guys love each other. Your family. Just talk to her." He says

"Thank you for that. I will." I say

"I did want to talk about something."

"What?"

"When you first got here I could tell something was off about you. What's up?"

"I just have a lot going on and I'm trying to figure out a way to get through it. That's all."

"Like?" He asks

"I told you I slipped up with Aubrey, and I trashed his place and I'm not really getting a lot of sleep ..."

"All of that is a reaction." He motions his hand in a circle, basically telling me to go on.

I look at him and sigh, "...Okay..." I drink the rest of my drink. "I'm okay overall. My day to day life is cool. I have an issue with my thoughts. It's a struggle being alone. Having to raise two kids on my own, newly divorced, having to find a healthy and happy medium to coparent with my exes that I want nothing to do with. On top of media bullshit, and internet bullies. It's a lot. I feel like no one understands what's going on with me. I was pissed off and went over Aubrey's house. I was upset he was having fun and it looked like he didn't care about anything. Then after I trashed his lounge, we started talking and I quickly found it was something else. It was just needing someone there."

"Like a companion."

I shrug. "I'm cool by myself but I see that that's what makes me happy. And it's not about putting my happiness in someone else's hands, it's about knowing myself. I know I need to be happy on my own, then that will make a more happy life. I like the comfort of having someone. He embraced me and I craved his touch. It's just physical."

"There's nothing wrong with that either. It's just that you need to make sure that you're not placing too much into someone. That could be where things go wrong with you. Now that you have time alone, and to be with yourself, maybe you'll be more aware and not do that. There's a lot of people that just thrive off of being in a relationship. But as long as the two of you know who you are separately you can come together. You just gotta learn from your mistakes."

"I didn't say a relationship, I said having someone. I don't necessarily have to be in a relationship, but I like having a consistent person there."

"I understand. And that's okay too." He says. "Physical touch is a serious thing. I can relate to that....I'm happy you're finding out more about yourself." He smiles then gets up and starts cleaning his kitchen. "I want to try something with you. If that okay?"

"Whatever you want." I say

"Why don't you go lay down for the night." He says and I'm a little confused but I do as I told.

************

I laid in bed thinking about the conversation Joe and I had. Am I able to keep this up? I mean what I definitely know is that I don't want to be in a serious relationship after divorcing Aubrey. I don't want to be on no rebound shit either. Much doesn't have to change between Joe and I. We have a good thing going, and after we have talked everything out, we're great.

I think what helps this whole situation is because he doesn't want anything serious either. I think this could be good and I'm not letting it go because Joe is perfect to me. He's different and I've never dealt with anyone like him before. It almost feels like it's a challenge, but it's like I know what the boundaries are, and with Joe being the type of man that he is, he isn't going to change and I like that.

Joe gets in bed and he wraps his arms around me and I just instantly relax in his embrace. He kisses my shoulder a couple of times and it's weird because it just feels right. I'm really struggling with this because I feel like this is what I want but I also know I can't have it. It's kinda a turn on.

He tightened his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. Not like I can get any closer.

....But this, this is totally different.

Ever since I first laid next to Joe, I craved it. Ever since Joe kissed me that day in San Diego, I craved it. When he held me in his arms, or the first time we were intimate, I craved all of that. These are all things that I've done with other people before but it just seems like it's different with Joe. Of course those are all physical things but it's also the type of person he is.

Joe is sure of himself and he knows what he wants and he knows the man that he is. He's not chasing all of these different women. He doesn't even wanna have sex with just anyone and the fact that he's actually done that with me tells me things that he doesn't have to say with his mouth. Joe is just completely different from anyone I've ever been involved with. The way he thinks is different and that's a turn on. I love the way he carries himself. I love that I can talk to him about anything and it doesn't feel like he's judging me for it. He holds me accountable for things, regardless if I realize it or not. He makes me think and he makes me see the good or bad in any situation. He makes me see my flaws and reminds me that they're not necessarily a bad thing and that sometimes I just need to be more aware. He's just a different kind of man and that's what pulls me in even more.

I think Joe likes me more than he lets on and he doesn't wanna say anything about it. He's dealt with women that wants more out of him than what he can give. I understand why he wouldn't want to put himself through that again when he keeps getting the same result. Maybe they should let him control the pace. I don't know. At least with us going into this situation, I know we're on the same page. Things can change, feelings can change, and he knows that, but he still okay with this. Joe likes me, and he likes me a lot and that's okay because I believe I feel the same way.

One thing I can sort of say, is I kinda hate being this open because it's new to me. I've never been this open with anybody. I've always tried to be, but I could never fully go there with anyone, not even Chris. This shit low-key kind of scares me because I know we will never be anything more than what this is right now....but it's also kind of exciting. Maybe what makes it exciting is who it's with.

I tried to drift off to sleep but I was enjoying Joe holding onto me a little more than trying to get some rest. I don't think he was trying either. He kept placing kisses on my neck and shoulder and rubbing various parts of my body. It was absolutely nothing sexual, but it was giving me so much life. I was loving every second of it.

It had probably been an hour, and he was still at it. I broke out of his hold and turned to face him. I laid on his chest and he tightly wrapped his arms back around me.

"You like this." He asks

I look up at him and I see his eyes are closed. "Yes."

I feel him grab my shirt and tug at it. "Take this off."

I don't hesitate, I just let him help me take it off, and I lay back down on him. Our skin touches and it's like I melt into him. I love this. This skin to skin contact is giving me so much comfort.

"Can I tell you something?" Joe asks

"Of course..."

"I love physical touch. It puts me at ease and calms me." He says rubbing my back with both hands. "So if you don't, tell me now."

"I love it too. Good to know we have this in common."

He doesn't say anything. Okay, I get it now. That's why he said what he said earlier.

I kinda start giggling at my thoughts.

"What?" He asks

"Is that why you're always so mean looking and ready to kill someone?"

He laughs. "Ha ha..." he sarcastically says. "You're saying because I haven't done this with anyone in a long time is why I'm that way."

"I'm joking.."

"No...it could be true." He laughs himself. "Maybe that is why." He says, tangling his fingers into my hair.

"Tell me something about you I don't know." I ask

"Like what?"

"I don't know. You're so mysterious sometimes. I feel like I don't know you."

"But you do."

"True, but I just feel like there's more. I know I don't know everything about you, so just tell me something I don't know."

"Fine." He says then takes a deep breath. "If you must know one of my deepest darkest secrets...." He says jokingly. "When I was a teenager, myself and some of my friends were out drinking, doing stupid teenager shit. We got in a car and drove to another friend's house. I was in the back seat minding my business when we pulled into the driveway. We go over the curb, then there's another bump." He looks at me. "We all got out of the car and found out we ran over their dog."

I gasp. "Nooo..."

"Yeah. I freaked out. We all jumped back into the car and went home. We never spoke of it ever again."

"Aww, poor puppy." I say

"I know right... that was tough for me. I cried like a baby when I got in my room."

"That's so sad."

"Yeah...I haven't talked about that since high school...what about you?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, we're exchanging secrets." He says

"Okay...um...I don't really have anything. I was a good kid."

He laughs, "It doesn't have to be when you were a kid, it can be whenever."

"Can I make a confession?" I ask

"Yeah, why not."

"I kinda started to like the attention from the media and everyone. I liked that people wanted to know who I was, wanted to know what I was doing. I liked it until evening started going downhill with Chris, then shit started to get crazy. Especially when Aubrey came putting all that shit in the media. I would read the comments, and I couldn't understand why people didn't like me. I've always been likable, and everyone has always loved me and I couldn't understand why I had so much hate. I became obsessed with trying to paint this perfect picture and it really got the best of me."

"You think you can get back to living your normal life?" He said

"I know I can."

"There's nothing wrong with liking attention, as long as you're not doing crazy shit to keep that attention. Did you get over Trying to understand the why?" He asks

"Yes. I don't care that people don't like me now. I'm fine with how things are now....."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"What do you plan on doing with your law degree?"

"...I don't know. I wanted to open another firm now that I actually have the funds to do so. But then I started wanting to get into family law because of wanting to help Chris out with his situation with Ammika... but now I don't know. I like practicing law, but I want to do something else."

"Like?"

"I don't know. Maybe take advantage of this platform that I have now. Meeting take some acting classes." I say

"Acting, what?"

"Just because I can." I laugh. "I think it'll be fun."

"You're just trying to get close to Jason Momoa. You ain't fooling nobody." We both laugh.

"I have to get to my future husband some kinda way."

He shakes his head at me.

"Speaking of that...I want to be transparent with you..."

"Let me brace myself." He jokes

"...I would like to get remarried."

"Oh..."

"Of course not anytime soon but I would like to get married again." I say

"Well that's another reason I want you to get out and explore. This isn't an exclusive thing, I want you to date other people and see what's out there. Maybe you will hit it off with Momoa, and get married. I don't know." He jokes. "I don't want to hold you back."

"I just don't know how to feel about that. I want this, and I think I'm content with this, but you want me to go do this with someone else? I don't understand."

"You can't be content with this. This is one weekend."

"No—. This has been brewing for months." I say

"True...I see what you're saying." He says, "I just don't want you to settle. I think you should find what you really want and what's good for you." He says rubbing my back. "I love what's going on here but I don't want you to pass up on something better, because I can only give so much."

I sigh as I get comfortable on his chest. "I know what you can give."

He doesn't say anything for a couple of seconds. "Come here..."

I lean forward and kiss him. I try to pull back but he doesn't let me. He holds me in place. I know I'm right about this but I'll let it be and enjoy this.

I started to get on top of him but decided against it and just repositioned myself at a better angle. He held my face with both of his hands and deepened the kiss.

Fuck this felt good.

The kiss went on for a couple of minutes until we finally pulled apart, basically for air.

He just looks at me and smiles. "......I'm content with this too."

I smile and go back to my position on his chest. This is good. I got him back. I'm not going to mess this up.

Thoughts on this chapter??