Shawnie's POV

"Good, you're still here." Joe says as he opens the door.

I laugh and look up from my phone. "Did you think I would disappear or something?"

He closes the door behind him and laughs. "No."

He walks into the kitchen and starts pulling things out of the cabinets and refrigerator. "So, how do you like your steak?"

"Medium." I say

"Okay good because if you said well done I was going to have to kick you out."

"What's wrong with well done?"

"You cook all of the flavor out. It's nice to always have some pink in the middle, that's where all the flavor is. Burnt ass steak." He jokes

I laugh. "I guess you like yours pink."

"Yes. But I make the best steak you'll ever have in your life. If you can forget all those expensive restaurants and all of that other bullshit. You're in the right place." He says

"What do you want me to do?"

"Nothing. You're in my home now and I'm cooking. You're a guest. Have a seat and watch."

"I can't just watch." I say

"Pour yourself a glass of wine and have a seat. Maybe I'll find something for you to do." He smiles

After looking through the bottles on the wine rack, I pick one and sit down on the island. He sits a glass next to me. He takes the bottle and opens it with a wine opener and slides it back to me.

"You're such a gentleman." I joke and he laughs.

"I try to be."

He takes a pan out of the refrigerator. Looks like they have been marinating. I watched him as he prepped all the food and seasoned everything. We had casual talk while he cooked and I must admit Joe looks very good in the kitchen. I knew he could cook, but I didn't know to what extent. The fact that he's searing these steaks like he knows what he's doing is kind of cool to see. But that really shouldn't be a surprise to me because Joe does everything.

I pretty much watched him, cook us a whole meal, and I sat there drinking my wine. It was actually pretty cool because the roles were reversed. I'm pretty much always the one cooking and he sits there with me and we talk. I knew I was missing Joe but I didn't realize I missed his conversation so much. I would really like for him to come back and it doesn't necessarily have to be for work. I'm just invested in this friendship I have with him. I feel like I lost a friend when he left and I'm not willing to lose my friend again.

After he was done cooking, we sat down at the table to eat. It was like old times, and I was low-key loving it. I was surprised at how good the steak was. He actually knows what he's doing. I may have to have him cook for me more often.

"So what have you been up to since I've been gone?" He asks. "I heard you're officially divorced now."

"Yeah..." I take a sip of my wine. "I'm free."

"That's a good thing right?" He says and I feel like there's something behind it.

"It's a great thing." I say. "But I haven't really been up to anything. I moved into the new house and I have been consumed with that. My dad is actually at the house with the kids right now."

"Oh, your dad is there. That's cool. I bet it's an adjustment for you."

"Yes but I like having him here. He hasn't moved in yet, but he's here helping me with the house. He loves it."

"I'm sure he does, he gets to be with his grandkids. Other than that how have you been?" He asks

"I've been okay. Like I said, I've been busy with the house and everything—."

"But what about when you're not busy with the house and you just have time to yourself?"

"Um, I have just been keeping to myself. I really only have the house going on in my life right now."

"Okay... what I'm getting at is are you taking time for yourself?" He asks

"I'm trying to. I haven't really been using Lexi that much. I've just been in the house with the kids and my dad. Mercedes and Dori come around and help out, but it's pretty much been just me."

"You need to take some time for yourself and I know that may seem like a hard task but just do little things that make you happy. Focus on yourself and take some time to be yourself." He says

"I'm trying to. I feel like I'm getting to know myself all over again. I feel like I lost myself. I feel like I don't know me anymore."

"You have to just take time for yourself and see what things you like and what you don't like, just get to know yourself again. I have been doing that for the last couple of years and it's eye-opening. You learn things about yourself when you only have yourself to deal with."

"I like that I've been by myself. I have been doing the majority of things on my own, but one thing I've always known about myself is I like to have someone there with me. I don't know why, that's just how I am and since I've been single, even when we were separated, I've always wanted that. I have liked being single, but I know what I'm comfortable with, and I'm more comfortable having someone there."

"So you're not comfortable with being single?"

"It's okay." I say with a shrug.

"Well, if it's just okay, then you need to be okay with it for as long as you can because being single is how you are going to know what you really want. You don't have the distractions. My advice to you would be to do you. If you feel you want to be in a relationship, then be in one, but make sure it's someone that compliments you, helps you when you need it, and of course someone who is good to you and for you."

"I know. I haven't tried to date anyone. I have been conversing with someone back-and-forth but it's nothing serious."

"Anyone I know?" He asks

"I'm gonna choose to keep that to myself, but it's not my ex-husband or my ex fiancé. Speaking of my ex-husband, I kind of had a little meltdown and went over to his house because of some posts that I saw on Instagram...I kind of destroyed some of his things with a bat."

"You can't be serious." He looks at me in disappointment.

"I'm very serious."

"You can't do that."

"I know, I just—I just snapped. Chubbs was being an asshole and not letting me see him and I just flipped." I explain

"I'm disappointed in you." He says

"But he wasn't even upset. At one point, I swear he was smiling at the situation."

"He probably was." He says "Seems like he likes when you act that way. And that's what I mean when I say someone who is good for you because that's toxic behavior. And the fact that he didn't get upset or talk to you about it, he just smiled at what happened, that lets me know that he wanted you to react that way."

"I believe that." I say

"You got to get a hold of yourself when it comes to him. He's a trigger for you." He says

"I agree, but I can't say that was the only encounter I had with him. Even though everyone's been telling me, I've realized that being away from him is the best thing for me. I kind of already knew, but the time that we spent in San Diego and the whole separation was good for me and I was thinking so much more clearly. I know I can't go back to that situation."

"Well, that's good. I'm happy you actually understand that now because that was my big issue. I was scared you were gonna go back to him and he was gonna do something to really hurt you. And I don't mean your feelings, I mean physically."

"Well, I'm happy I'm out of the situation." I pause for a second smh think about how I felt that morning. "Have you ever just had a complete change of feeling towards something?"

"Elaborate."

"I know I've said this before but I'm really over him. Like, I just don't care about this at all. I don't care what he does. I don't care how he feels. I don't care to be around him. I just don't care anymore. One morning I woke up and just felt different."

"It's possible."

"I'm just over the games. The only reason he needs to speak to me is if it's about our son." I say

"That's how it should be."

"Okay, anyway. Let's change the subject."

He laughs, "Okay. So, head of security, huh?" He says

"Yes, and I'll give you a raise if you want. I just want you to come back."

"First of all, I don't want a raise." He says. "I don't want you to pay me at all."

"Not pay you? What are you talking about?"

"If I came back I wouldn't accept your money. I already felt weird taking money from you after we became friends. I rather do it because I want to, not because you're paying me. I don't see you as a job."

"I don't want you working for free."

"We can come up with something."

"Like what?" I ask

"I don't know, I haven't put much thought into it. But that's what this conversation is about. We can come up with a solution. I just don't feel right taking your money." He says

"Well, what about the house?" I say

"What about it?"

"The house is worth like 2.3 million. Why don't you just sell it and keep the earnings." I suggest. "I don't plan on going back there and the house is in your name, so is the car."

"I don't plan on going back to San Diego either...and that's a good idea but I couldn't take all of that. That's a lot of money."

"But I'm willing to give it to you for compensation for your work. I'll be honest, Joe, I miss having you around and I miss our conversations and your friendship."

"I miss that too. It's been weird not seeing you everyday." He says

"I know right."

"I'm very grateful for you coming into my life. I have over $100,000 in my account because of you. The money was definitely needed. I've been sending it back to my mom monthly for the mortgage and other expenses. Before I met you, we were struggling. I was getting ready to get rid of this condo and move in with her. Money was super tight and she was in jeopardy of losing the home I grew up in. It was just a job for me at first but it quickly became more. A lot more. We became friends, I developed feelings for you. We had sex. I just feel like taking money from you is unethical. Now that we're out of the hole, and I'm in a position where I can relax a bit, I don't want to take anything from you. I'll work for free before I take from you and your kids."

"That's so nice of you and I appreciate you telling me all of this. I had no idea."

"I hide it well. I told you before how you've helped me without knowing, and in many ways." He takes a deep breath then lets it out.

"Look, I know things got a little complicated before you left. I don't want you to feel like I'm using you or anything. I need for you to know I'm completely okay with how everything has gone between us, but I feel that I get more out of the friendship aspect. I know you've noticed, I don't have many close friends so I would rather keep the friendship than anything else with you." I say

"Yeah, I get that because you know, relationship wise, that's out the window." He jokes sarcastically and we both laugh.

"Yes, we can agree on that." I say. "I want you to take as much time as you need but I don't like being away from you for this long. I'm just going to voice my opinion, but if you need more time, I am completely fine with letting you have that time as long as you come back. Just sell the house and keep the money. If you want to keep the car, that's fine too, I know how much you like it."

He shakes his head in disbelief. "You're too generous."

"I don't need the money. You and your mom have more important use for that money..." I say, then I perk up, speaking in a snobby voice. "Plus, I'm a millionaire now. I don't need a measly 2.3 mil."

Joe laughs. "You're such a snob."

I laugh, "So you cooked, I'll clean up." I stand and grab our plates and walk over to the sink.

"But you're a guest." He says. "This time I'll do it. You got me next time."

"I have to do something." I say

He scoots me out of the way and starts rinsing the dishes off and puts them into the dishwasher.

"Fine." I lean on the counter next to him. I turn on my phone and start scrolling while finishing my wine. It was quiet for a few minutes, then Joe broke the silence.

"So um...am I the only reason you came out here?" He asks

"Yes." I sit my phone on the counter.

"I feel special." He smiles and I hit him on the arm.

"Stop."

"I do...." He says, then we fall silent again. I didn't know what else to say. Starting to feel a little awkward.

He was done putting the dishes into the dishwasher and now he was washing the pots. I finished my glass and sat it on the counter and he grabbed it to wash. I watched as he finished up and turned the water off. He took a dry towel and dried his hands.

"So um... Do you want to stay."

"Stay here?" I ask

"Yeah. If you want, of course." He says

"Do you want me to?"

"It's up to you." He answers with a smile.

"Joe?" I say. I'm not about to go back and forth with him. He should say what he wants.

He turns his body to face me directly and his eyes lock with mine. "I would like for you to stay."

I smile. "...Okay."

"You can sleep in my bed and I can take the couch. Is that okay?"

"Yes. Just let me call Olivia and have her send some clothes over." I say

"Aight." He smiles.

*********

Later that night, Joe was getting me settled in his bedroom. He gave me one of his shirts to wear to bed and I helped him change the sheets. He made sure I was okay then went to the living room where he was sleeping for the night.

It was a little weird being in Joe's house. I was happy I was here because I believe if I wouldn't have shown up, he probably wouldn't have talked to me again. And that's his right but I just know that is not what he wants. We may be friends who have feelings for each other, and may have a couple of benefits, but I am completely willing to sit all of that to the side just to have him stay with me.

I looked around his room and it was nice and neat. I'm not surprised though, because Joe is a little bit OCD, and he likes things a certain way. I wasn't going to go through his things because I really feel like Joe has nothing to hide. When we first met each other, he did seem mysterious. Well, he is still mysterious, but I don't think he's hiding anything crazy. He's just a little closed off and I can relate.

I see his robe hanging up on his door and I walk over and put it on. It smells like him. I like this. I breathe in the fragrance one last time before I climb into bed and try to get some sleep.

********

It had been at least an hour that I was laying there. It's been a challenge going to sleep lately. I think I'm still dealing with the stress of everything happening these last few months and it's affecting my sleep. I was just dozing off when I heard his bedroom door open. I didn't bother to move.

"Took you long enough."

"Took me long enough for what?" He laughs

I turn over and look at him. "I figured you'd come in here sooner or later."

"How?"

"Not that you're readable, but you didn't want me to leave earlier, then after dinner you seemed nervous to ask me to stay, meaning you really wanted me to. You miss me and you want to spend as much time with me before I leave tomorrow." I laugh, "I don't know about that last part. I'm just messing with you...but I do know you like to slip into the room with me every now and then."

He was standing next to the bed. I couldn't really see his face but I knew he was smiling. I pulled the cover up, inviting him in.

He gets in and cuddles up to me, I turn on my side and he wraps his arms around me. "I might miss you and I might want to spend as much time with you before you leave."

"I know." I smile

He leans up and kisses me on my cheek. I didn't move, I laid there for a second. I was just thinking. We talked about a lot of stuff today, but there's so many things left unsaid and it's bothering me. You can feel there's a little tension between us and not tension in a bad way but tension like we still need to talk.

I turn over to say something but I'm actually met with his lips. I don't push him away, I just enjoy the kiss. We made out for a few minutes, until he got on top of me. I didn't want to have sex with him, so I had to stop him.

I put my hands on his chest and lightly push him back. "Joe..."

"Yeah?" He says

"I had sex with Aubrey a few days ago."

He doesn't say anything for a few seconds. I knew he was upset with me. I'm ashamed but it's not like he was there. I didn't think he was coming back.

"It happened when you went to his house." He says

"Yeah. I know what we talked about but I had all these feelings that I just didn't want to fight at the time...and he was there."

"Old feelings come up...I get it. You have to learn not to give in. I don't like he still has a part of you but I get it. When I saw you today my feelings hit me too." He kisses me on the lips. It felt so nice. Damn I miss him.

"I hadn't had sex in over a year before you and I haven't had sex since you. I want you but I understand why you don't want to. It's all good." He says, then lays down next to me. He's mad. Damnit.

"Joe..."

"It's fine. I didn't come in here to have sex with you. I just wanted to be next to you. My bad for ruining that." He says

"You didn't ruin anything. I just wanted to be honest and tell you the truth. Me not being 100% truthful the first time is what made you come home in the first place." I say

"I appreciate your honesty." He says.

"I'm sorry."

"Was that a one time thing or have you been messing around with him?" He asks

"That was just a one time thing...well...I went back the next day. But it's not going to happen ever again and I told him that. I told you, I'm surely done with him."

"Is that true?" He turns to me and places his hand on my hip.

"Yes. I told him multiple times."

"Promise me." He says

I turn to face him, while putting my arms around his neck. "Joe, I promise I will never have sex or anything close to it with Aubrey ever again in my life."

He smiles. "I'm gonna hold you to that."

"You can."

"If I ever find out you broke this promise you'll never see me again." He says. I believe him.

"Deal." I say. "I've actually realized how important it is for me to stay away from him. I don't like that I get so jealous when it comes to him. I was never really that type of person and I don't like it. I don't like me when I am with or around him. I know I'm not gonna make that mistake again."

"That's what it's all about. Learning from your mistakes it's okay to slip up every now and then as long as you know you made the wrong decision and you learn from it." He says, rubbing my thigh.

"I definitely have. That's also why I came here because I know I hurt you and I betrayed your trust. I really wanted to make it right. I take full accountability of my actions. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize again. I think I kinda overreacted a little bit." He admits

"Well, your feelings are your feelings, and there's nothing wrong with that. You stood up for yourself and that's something that I have rarely done in the last few years." I say. "It's like you understand me and it seems like you're the only person who does and I am holding on to that. Obviously we have feelings for each other but if it complicates things and removes you from my life then I don't want any of that." I say

"I don't know how comfortable I am with feeling like this, it's a little new for me. I was struggling with what I was feeling for you. You know I have issues with relationship shit and fully committing to someone. I don't want that to hold you back. If you feel like you want to be with me, I don't know how I can make it past that. I don't think I'm capable of being with anyone exclusively. It's not that I'm a cheater but it's just the title and pressure."

"We don't have to get into the conversation about that." I say

"No, I want to. I think it needs to be had. I have commitment issues. I know that. I have known that for a while now, and I'm content with knowing that. I have been slowly working through it and I'll admit, when I felt shit was getting to be a little heavy back in California, I ran as fast as I could. When I got home, I realized I was fucked up for leaving you, but I just couldn't get past the shit I was doing. It's a lot of complications when it comes to me and I just don't wanna put you through any of that. I care about you too much to do that." He days

"I know how to read between the lines. I care about you a lot too and I don't think I like titles too much either." I say and he laughs.

"I told you I'll be whatever you want me to be and I'll do whatever you need me to do." He says, "The conversations we had the last time we were here, I'm standing on them."

"Okay." I say. "We can do that."

He leans over and kisses me again, then pulls me into his chest and we fall asleep that way.

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