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Shawniemarie

Shawniemarie #Freedom

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Shawnie's POV

When we got back to San Diego, it was super late. The only thing I wanted to do was climb into bed and go to sleep. My phone has been off all day and I really didn't have any desire to look at it. I used Joe's phone to talk to Lexi to check on the kids a couple of times but as far as that goes, I don't know anything that's going on. I don't know if Aubrey has been trying to get in contact with me, I'm sure he has. No one has talked to him on my end, and I was a little nervous to find out what was going on. We'll see tomorrow.

The next morning when we woke up, we went to get the kids. That was my very first thought the next morning. I just wanted to be with my kids. I don't know what's going through Aubrey's head but he's been a little suspect when it comes to my son. I wanted to pick him up just in case Aubrey decided to get spiteful.

We picked up breakfast and came back to the house. I don't know what type of shit storm was brewing in Aubrey's head. I wanted it to be in the comfort of my own home when I decided I was going to turn my phone back on and face whatever I had coming to me because I knew he's pissed.

A few hours later, I was sitting in the living room, watching TV and the kids. They were playing with their toys in the middle of the living room. I had just turned my phone back on, I started getting notifications and text messages left and right. My phone was going off. I knew something happened. I know this couldn't have come from the little subliminal post from my Instagram. This was something else.

The majority of the notifications were from TMZ. I already knew it was some bullshit that was going on. Maybe it was something that happened between Chris and Aubrey after I left but something is going on.

I clicked on TMZ and it was the very first thing on the page, in big black letters. "DRAKE ANNOUNCES HIS RETIREMENT FROM MUSIC"

I was so shocked, that I read it a few more times. I couldn't believe my eyes. This has to be a mistake. He didn't tell me that he was doing this. When did he even do this? I was so lost, and then almost immediately I received a call from Aubrey.

I haven't talked to him since I gave him the papers yesterday. I wasn't necessarily nervous to talk to him, but I was nervous for the conversation because I don't know what this conversation was going to bring. I can see him being super upset with me because I told him I would wait but I also can see him being understanding because I just couldn't go through with those three days knowing that my mind was made up, and that he agreed to sign the papers. So it was up in the air.

I took a deep breath, and answered.

"Hello?" I answer the phone, trying to sound pleasant.

"We need to talk." He says sternly, getting right to the point.

"Now isn't—."

He cut me off, "You have sex with me, then you put divorce papers on the pillow and just dip out? What the fuck, Shawnie?"

"Aubrey—."

He cuts me off again. "Don't Aubrey me. What the fuck?"

"I'm sorry you took it for more than it was." I refuse to really get into this conversation with Joe and the kids sitting here.

"Nah, don't give me that shit."

"Aubrey, I said thank you, got up and walked into the bathroom. You're making something into nothing." I say

"Whatever. All of this didn't have to go like that. You're so fucking dramatic. You called me weak almost every chance you get in then you turn around and do some weak shit like that. You just like to see me stressing over you. You do this shit on purpose."

I look over at Gen playing with her toys in the middle of the living room floor and Atlas in his swing. "I can't have this conversation in front of my son and daughter."

"You always use them as a reason why you can't talk. Get your ass up and go into another room. Yo ass got me announcing shit to the world..."

I cut him off, "I didn't tell you to do that. You did that shit on your own." I say with an attitude. "You should've discussed it with me because I would've told you not to do it. I told you it was too late and that I had already made up my mind. You announcing retirement is your fault. You only did it because you thought it would change my mind." I say

"You're a liar. You made me think we were going to get back together. You used me. You hurt me. I love you so much and you don't even care. You just won't love me. I've done everything for you."

"I do lov—." I don't feel there's a point in me telling him I love him because it's just gonna go in one ear and out the other. I tell him I love him all the time and it is true, I just don't love him as much as I used to and I think maybe, I should stop saying it.

"Huh? You don't love me? I know you don't. It's cool." He says. "You love Christian."

"It's not that, I'm just tired of saying it when you don't believe me anyway."

He scuffs, "Nah, I know what I should've did. If I was whooping yo ass you would love me. Is that what it is? I wasn't beating your ass like Chris, or Marcel?" He snaps and I feel myself starting to unravel.

"AUBREY, STOP IT!" I yell.

I see Joe look in my direction out of the corner of my eye. I also see Gen look at me. I take a few seconds to calm myself down, then I speak.

"Stop this. This is why we can't be together. When you don't get your way you treat me like this. You have physically and emotionally hurt me. Multiple times. I don't want to do it anymore." I say

"All of a sudden you don't want me anymore. That shit ain't right."

"It's not all of a sudden. You know it wasn't. Stop this fake anger. You're hurt. I get that. But don't talk down to me like this. Why would you act like this towards the mother of your child? Because I don't want to be with you?" I sigh, "Aubrey—."

"Nah, cause you think you are going to get away with how you treated me. Where would you be without me? You ain't nothing and ain't gonna be nothing without me." He yells

This is a losing battle. I'm not doing this. I just let him talk because there's no arguing with him.

"Okay." Is all I say.

"Okay? That's what you have to say for yourself?" He says

"I already told you I couldn't talk in front of the kids. Okay is all I can say right now. You want me to yell and give you what you're giving me, but I'm not doing that. This is exhausting. Do you really wanna keep doing this with me?"

"Fuck you." He yells then he hangs up.

I just sat back on the sofa, closed my eyes, and covered my face. I had so much anger in me that I wanted to get out. I wanted to explode. I tried my best to keep myself under control, and I did, but I was fuming inside and I couldn't do anything about it. He was trying so hard to get a reaction out of me. I'm proud of myself for not engaging in another argument but oh I wanted to let him have it.

I felt eyes on me. I knew they were Joe's. He was probably concerned, especially when I get this upset. I just wanted to hit something. Well, Aubrey. I just felt so much rage it was overwhelming. I wanted to throw my phone and I almost did until I heard Joe's voice.

"That's going to be the third phone in four months. Don't throw it." He says

I look at him and he's staring directly at me from the other sofa. I sat my phone on the coffee table and shook my head. I was trying my hardest not to break down but the look in Joe's eyes made me do it. He felt pain for me. He felt sorry for me. I could tell he wanted to do or say something but he couldn't. He looked helpless. I was helpless. I just wanted all of this to be over and done with. I didn't wanna feel like this.

"Come talk to me in the kitchen, away from the kids." He says

I just look at him. I couldn't get myself off of the sofa. I just leaned forward on my knees, covered my face, and cried. Aubrey was really breaking me down. I thought I was gonna give him these papers and that would be the end of it, but I was so wrong.

"He's so mean. How can he say things like that to me?" I couldn't hold it back anymore. I was so done with everything that had to do with him. This was the last straw for me. I tried to keep the peace and I tried not to argue with him but that seemed to have made him angrier.

The next thing I know, I feel Joe's hands, lifting me to my feet.

"Don't do this in front of your kids." He says, as he walks me into the kitchen.

Once we're there, I lay my head on the counter and cry. Joe stood next to me and rubbed my back.

"Don't let him break you down like this. He knows it's over and he's doing anything he can to hurt you." Joe says

"I know..."

"So don't let his words get to you. I know it's hard, but the way he's been treating you, you don't deserve that."

I stood up and looked at him. I knew he was right. Aubrey has been treating me bad for a long time and it's not that I choose to ignore it, I just tried to make it better and make my marriage work. I wanted to make it work so bad but I just couldn't fix it on my own.

Joe uses his thumbs and wipes my tears.

"He ain't worth you crying over. Put a smile on your face." He smiles, which makes me smile. "You don't deserve to be going through this. You're a good person and you have a good heart."

He pulls me into his arms and hugs me. I wrap my arms around his large frame and I lay my head on his chest. He said a few encouraging words and it made me feel a little better about myself and my situation. I appreciate him so much. He's always bringing me back from a dark place.

"I don't want you to cry anymore. You're way too beautiful for that." He says as he looks down at me. "I'm tired of seeing you this way and I don't want you crying over this sorry motherfucker anymore."

I nod my head, wipe my eyes and look up at him.

"Thank you, Joe." 

We lock eyes for a few seconds, then he leans down and kisses me. It lasted for a second then he pulled away like he was shocked. He exhaled like he was upset with himself and stepped back.

"Shit! That was so unprofessional. I'm so sorry." He says, visibly upset.

"Yeah....It was." I say, a little confused. Did Joe really just kiss me?

"I'm sorry." He took another step back from me, placing his hand over his mouth.

"....Don't let it happen again." I say as I watch his reaction. I can't believe he just kissed me. I am so confused right now.

You could tell he was very upset with himself and he wasn't trying to hide it. I think he thinks he fucked up, well, that was the look on his face. I wasn't really mad at him for kissing me. I'm cool, I was just surprised that he did it. We just got caught up in a moment. I'm not faulting him for that. It was just a little shocking.

I reacted off of impulse. I wanted to see what would happen. I'm already going through a divorce and I don't have a relationship to lose. I wanted to see what he would do because maybe there was more to this. I walked over to him. I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him back. Instead of him, backing away from me, his hands went directly to my waist, then he wrapped his big arms around me and he held me tightly as he kissed me back.

There might be more to this.

We made out for a few more seconds, until I heard Genesis calling me.

"Mommy!" She calls out and we both pull away from each other. Joe steps back with a slight smile on his face. I hurry and get myself together.

"Yes, baby?" I say

She doesn't say anything, she just holds her sippy cup up to me. Joe starts laughing.

"She's a diva already." He starts mocking Gen. "Mommy! Juice!"

I burst out laughing as he acts like Gen, holding up his imaginary cup.

I walk over, I grab her cup and walk back into the kitchen.

"You're funny." I say to Joe.

"This is Chris Brown's daughter. She's bound to be this way. And don't get me started on how much of a lady killer Atlas is going to be."

"I know. I don't look forward to that. He's going to have all the little girls chasing after him." I get her juice out of the refrigerator, along with the box of strawberries and sit them on the island.

"I got it." He takes the cup and pours her some apple juice, then adds a little water.

"Thank you." I smile and he smiles back at me.

We kinda had a moment. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Or maybe I'm not, we did just kiss. What was so crazy was that things didn't seem awkward afterwards. We were normal like it was something natural that happened.

********

About an hour later, the doorbell rang. I was cooking, so Joe went to answer the door.

"It's smellin good up in here!" I hear Trey's voice, then he comes around the corner.

"Oh my goodness, what are you doing here?" I say, surprised.

"Damn, I can't come visit my sister?"

"It's always okay for you to come visit me, but you never do, so I'm a little surprised." I say and we both laugh. He walks over and hugs me, then takes a seat at the island.

"I thought I'd just check up on you after everything that went down in San Fran. Can I talk to you in private?" Trey asks

"Well, I would say, let's go outside on the patio, but everyone knows I live here now, thanks to Aubrey. But with all the information spreading through the world right now, I'm not sure if we can go outside. I pretty much just planned on staying in the house."

"Is there anywhere else we can go to talk?" He asks

"I'll leave." Joe says.

"No... Joe you don't have to go anywhere." I say

"No, it's okay. It's clear that he wants to have a private conversation with you, so I'll just go for a run. I didn't get my run in this morning anyway." He says

"Okay..." I say as I watch him leave. After a few seconds, I focus back on Trey. "What's up? You came all the way to San Diego to talk to me when you could've just called me on the phone?"

"Yeah. I think it's best that we have this conversation, face-to-face."

"Is something wrong?" I ask

"No, I just want to talk to you about a couple of things. First of all, what the fuck happened?"

"The shortened version is we planned for a three day trip with everyone but I could not be in the house with Aubrey another minute. So I packed all of my shit, put divorce papers on the bed, and I left." I quickly explain

"Really? Y'all seemed like y'all was cool when you were there."

"It was an act." I say

"Why did he announce his retirement?"

"I don't know, I can't tell you why he did that. I never told him I wanted him to retire. He took my words and turned it into that. We talked about him taking time off and I told him that it was too late. I had been asking him for, I don't know how long to just take a little bit of time off to spend with his family. We were newly married, and I think it was like a week later he had to go out of the country. He never took any time off for me, or us as a family and that bothered me. We had so many issues. I just want everyone to know that I was suffering in this marriage. I offered many things I felt like could've been a solution if we both would've tried, but I was the only one trying. We were supposed to start couples therapy, but never did. Everything just kept getting put on the back burner to his career. So yes, I asked him to take time off. I never asked him to retire from music. He did that on his own."

"Damn... I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. You know Chris would've never done that to you."

"I know he wouldn't, but he did other things and that's not a conversation that I want to have right now."

He throws his hands up as if he surrenders. "Aight. My bad. I'm not trying to upset you. I'm just stating the facts." He says, "And what is this I hear about Joe and Chris getting into it?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"There's no reason for you to talk to me about that because I know Chris told you what happened. Now if he told you a lie that's on him but I'm not talking about it. That's between them." I say sternly. I will not be dragged into this.

"Damn! Why are you getting all defensive? I'm just asking a question?"

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound like a bitch but I really feel like that situation is between the two of them. I understand he was concerned for me but all I'm gonna say about it is that Joe did what he had to do and what he was supposed to do."

"What's up with you and Joe?"

"Nothing is up with me and Joe. Why do you ask?" I answer without skipping a beat.

"Because it seems like something is going on. I don't think he did what he was supposed to do. He didn't have to go off on Chris how he did. Chris wasn't wasn't going after you, therefore he didn't have to do anything."

"So he's just supposed to let Chris hit him? Chris was trying to attack him— this is why I didn't want to get involved with this because I knew I am going to be the one being put in the middle of what they have going on."

"I'm just saying, listening to the story—."

I cut him off. "His side of the story."

"I feel like that shit is personal. Chris feels the same way." He explains

"Well... I don't know what to tell you. You're putting me in the middle of something that I feel doesn't have anything to do with me. It's like I can't win. Every time I do something it's my fault. I'm the one that has to do all of this shit but everyone else around me can just do whatever the fuck they want to do and say whatever the fuck they want to say and everything is fine. But as soon as Shawnie says, or does something, everyone jumps down my throat."

"You fucking him?" He boldly asks, completely, disregarding everything I just said.

"No. But if I was, I wouldn't tell you anyway. All you're gonna do is run back and tell Chris." I say with an attitude.

"I feel like shit is lining up. You walking around the house with short ass shorts on. Go put on some fucking clothes." He says

"I see what this is. He sent you over here to get information out of me. What is it with him? I thought we had a mutual agreement that we were not going to try to get in each other's way anymore." I say

"He didn't send me over here."

"Yes he did. What other reason would you come to San Diego for? Do you even know anybody here?"

He pauses for a second. I could tell he was thinking and then he just sighed, and his whole mood changed.

"You caught me. He's worried about you."

"What is he worried about me for? I told him I'm good." I say

"Look, I don't know what transpired between you and him, him and Jasmine, or whoever else, but I think the last couple of weeks he has not really been himself. He's been himself, but something just seems off with him and I don't know what it is. I'm not sure he wants to be with Jasmine. I think he's just going with it because of the obvious. I really feel that he wants to be with you but he wants you to do what you feel you need to do. He's not gonna say anything else about being with you. I know that for a fact. So I think he thinks that you have something going on with Joe and that's the reason why you don't wanna get back with him now."

"Why does everyone think the decisions I'm making are because of somebody else? There is nothing going on between us. If there were, I would tell Chris. I think Chris wants a legitimate reason for us to not be together and there are so many reasons and so many signs but he refuses to see them. I want Chris to be happy, but it's not going to be with me. Since I've been in San Diego, I see things a lot more clearer now. That's not just referring to my relationship with Aubrey. That's with Chris as well. I think if we actually tried to have a friendship, how I feel we've been doing, I think we would be great. We're great coparents. That's one thing nobody can ever say about us. We put our daughter first. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to continue to be hurt by me or the fact that we're not together. I told him I'm content with knowing that we are in each other's lives. I just don't think we were meant to be together. And it's hard for him to accept that. I know that, but I have to accept it as well."

"You do sound like you got your shit together." He says

"I'm trying to make some changes in my life. I love Chris, I always will. And even if we are meant to be together, it would happen. No opportunity has presented itself to where we could get back together. And maybe that'll happen in a couple of years, but right now it is not happening. I just want him to know that I'm okay. I know he worries about me and I also know he feels like I'm not, but I'm fine. I feel like he's worried because I'm not with him. He has a good girl that is being so patient with him despite all of the shit that comes with him and she is still there. I left. But he also isn't in a serious relationship with her right now. I hope they do get to that point and I really do wish for them to make this it work."

"I don't think he sees himself with anyone, but you." He says

"That may be true. At one point I thought that too. Even when I was heavily involved with Aubrey. I still felt that Chris and I should've been together. I don't know. I just feel like I'm a different person now. I'm not here for the bullshit, I'm not here for the drama. I just want to live my life in private and have a good sex."

We both laugh.

"You're laughing, but I'm serious. I'm not trying to be involved with anyone. If it happens, it happens. But I'm not looking for it." I say

"Can you be honest with me and tell me if it's happened?"

"I keep telling you nothing is going on." I avoid eye contact.

"Aight. Have you talked to your cousin?" He asks

"No and honestly I don't plan on it. That night I felt like she was wrong. I know everybody is sick of my shit but like I said, I'm a different person now I feel like me spilling information to her that she knew nothing about that, all she had to do was listen, but instead she chose to get an attitude with me, get an attitude with Joe, and then leave. All Joe was trying to do was calm her down and tell her the right thing to do."

"She was wrong. There is no other way to put it." He says

"So if she wants to talk, I'm open to that, but I'm not calling her. I'm not texting her. If she wants to talk, she needs to reach out to me."

"Gotcha! Well, it seems like everything is all good over here. I got to see my goddaughter and my sister." He stands up. "You know if you need anything you can call me."

"I know." We hug and I walk him out.

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