S A R A H

I sit on the couch, a cup of Starbucks in my hands, my fingers tracing the rim absentmindedly. Ryan is sitting across from me, his posture relaxed but his eyes sharp, watching me as if he's trying to piece together something he doesn't quite understand.

Nayla had left for work earlier, leaving me and Ryan alone. It's been a while since we've had one of these quiet conversations, and though I'm grateful for the time, it's hard to ignore the weight of everything that's been unsaid.

Ryan takes a sip of his own drink, his gaze never leaving me, and for the first time in a long while, I feel like he's really seeing me.

"So," he starts, breaking the silence. His voice is calm, but there's an edge to it. "What really happened after you went to his place for the first time?"

I swallow hard, unsure of how to answer at first. The memory floods back, and the familiar knot of guilt tightens in my stomach. I want to tell him everything, but I can't help but feel exposed.

"It was... complicated," I start slowly. "I hated him. Everything about him, his arrogance, his coldness, the way he treated me like a pawn in his game."

Ryan raises an eyebrow but doesn't interrupt, letting me speak. It's like he already knows this part of the story.

"And then..." I continue, voice trembling slightly. "He made me feel like I was nothing more than a game to him, and... and I hated it. It was all because he called Ryza just to hurt me. Just because he was jealous. But then, after I started staying with him more, something shifted."

Ryan leans forward, his expression unreadable but his focus razor-sharp.

"What shifted?" he asks.

I pause, taking a long sip of my drink to steady myself before I go on. I feel the weight of his question like a pressure on my chest, and I realize it's not just curiosity that drives him, it's concern.

"When we started spending time together, Noah... he started changing, too. He wasn't just this guy who was always out of control and careless. He became... I don't know, softer? More real? And we became friends. But... I couldn't ignore the way he started looking at me. It wasn't just friendship anymore."

My voice drops to a whisper. "He became obsessed. And I-I couldn't resist him."

Ryan stays silent, his face unreadable. I can feel his eyes burning into me as if he's trying to read between the lines, to understand the weight behind my words.

"Go on," he prompts softly, and I hate that it's as though he already knows the next part of my story.

I take another deep breath, the air thick with the tension I feel inside. "And he promised to take care of me. To protect me. And for a while, that felt right. But..."

"But what?" Ryan presses, the edge of his voice hardening just enough to make me shift uncomfortably. He leans back into the couch, crossing his legs as if preparing himself for something big.

"But it didn't stay that way," I confess, my voice growing shaky. "He got... possessive. Jealous. And at first, I didn't see it for what it was, but now... now I'm not sure if it was ever real, Ryan. I just wanted to feel wanted, but now I feel confused."

Ryan's eyes soften, and he sighs deeply. His gaze moves to the floor for a moment, and I can feel the weight of his silence, the careful way he's choosing his next words.

"You're telling me that Noah, this guy who made you feel like he was going to save you hasn't done anything to actually make your life better, has he?" His words are calm, but they land hard, like a revelation.

I stare at him, realizing the truth in what he's said. "No," I admit, my voice barely above a whisper.

"He hasn't. You let yourself believe he would. But... it's just... attraction, confusion. He hasn't given you anything that would make you risk everything for him."

Ryan's eyes meet mine, and for the first time, I see something softer in them, understanding, maybe.

"Sarah," he says quietly, "you need peace. You need love that doesn't come with drama. You deserve more than just... chaos. This? What you're doing with Noah? It's not love. It's just... intense feelings. And feelings don't build a life."

I swallow hard. His words hit me harder than I expected, and for a moment, I don't know how to respond. My heart races, and my mind spins as everything he's said starts to sink in.

"I just... don't know what to do," I confess, looking down at my hands, which are still clutching the empty Starbucks cup. "I want love, Ryan. But I don't know how to get it right."

Ryan's voice is low but steady. "You don't need to rush into something you're not sure about. Take your time, figure it out, and don't let anyone push you into something you're not ready for."

My chest feels heavy, but somehow, his presence is grounding, like he's been the steady one through all of this.

"You make it sound so simple," I say, a little laugh escaping me despite the overwhelming ache in my chest.

Ryan shrugs, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "It's not easy. But sometimes, the hardest thing to do is let go of the confusion and just choose what's best for you."

I let his words linger in the air, letting them settle into my heart, even though I'm not sure I fully understand them.

It's hard to let go of something I've wanted so badly, even if it's not right. But maybe... maybe Ryan's right. Maybe I need to step back from the drama. Maybe I need to let myself be free of the confusion.

I sit there in silence, as Ryan sits beside me, steady as ever.

I feel like I might finally be starting to understand what I really need.

The silence between us stretches longer. There's a part of me that's still uncertain, confused by the emotions I've felt for Noah, and then there's the deeper ache that's been with me for years, the one I've tried to ignore, to bury under everything else.

"You're doing this because of your trauma, Sarah," he says softly, his voice low but firm. "You wanted to change your father. You thought you could fix him, make him different. But you couldn't. And now... now you're trying to prove something to yourself."

"You're trying to choose someone like Noah and change him. You're testing yourself, seeing if you can make it work with someone like your father because, in some way, you never could with him."

His words hit me harder than I expected. My breath catches in my throat, and I suddenly feel like I've been exposed in a way I wasn't prepared for.

My hands tremble slightly, and I set the cup down on the coffee table, unable to meet Ryan's gaze. I don't want to admit this, but somehow, it feels like I'm being forced to face a truth I've been avoiding.

Ryan leans back, his gaze steady, waiting for me to respond. I feel like he's looking right through me, seeing all the cracks I've been trying to hide.

"Ryan..." My voice falters as I try to gather my thoughts, but it feels like everything I've been pushing down for so long is starting to spill over.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I don't want to end up like... like my parents. Like my mom, especially. But every time I think I've found someone, I get scared. I get... caught up in wanting to change them, to make them better, to prove that I can be happy with someone who... who isn't what they seem."

Ryan's expression softens, but his words are still sharp, cutting through the confusion in my mind.

"You're choosing with your heart, not your brain. You're so focused on fixing someone else, on proving that you can be happy with someone like your father, that you're not giving yourself the chance to be with someone who can really give you the peace and love you need. You're lost in the idea of what you think you can change, Sarah."

I close my eyes, fighting back the sting of his words, because they feel too real, too raw. For so long, I've been trying to make sense of my feelings for Noah.

I've tried to ignore the fact that he's not the person I thought he was, that he's not someone who could give me the stability I need.

But something about him... it pulls me in, and I can't figure out whether it's because I believe he's capable of change, or if it's just my need to fix what's broken in myself.

"You're right," I admit, finally looking at him. "I've been trying to change things. I thought maybe... maybe I could prove that I'm not like my parents. But I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Noah's not like my dad, but sometimes... sometimes it feels like he is. I'm so confused, Ryan."

He nods slowly, his gaze compassionate but still firm. "You're trying to fix what's broken in you, Sarah. You're trying to find a way to make yourself feel better about your past, but you're using people as the tools for that."

Stop it, Ryan.

"You're not giving yourself the chance to heal. You're just jumping into something that feels comfortable, something familiar because you think you can handle it. But you can't keep doing that."

I feel like I'm suffocating, the walls closing in as I realize how much of my choices have been driven by my need to prove something to myself. To fix the past that I couldn't control. My chest tightens with emotion, and I have to stop myself from breaking down right here.

"I thought I could fix Noah's anger issues. I thought I could make him better. But I'm not even sure I'm doing it for the right reasons," I confess, my voice barely above a whisper.

Ryan reaches out, placing a hand on my shoulder. His touch is gentle, a comfort I didn't realize I needed.

"You don't need to fix anyone, Sarah. Not Noah. Not your father. And not yourself. You need to heal, and you need to let yourself be with someone who understands that. Someone who sees you for who you are, not for what you think you can change about them or yourself."

I shake my head, the confusion still swirling inside me, knotting up my thoughts. "But I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to just... stop. To just be."

Ryan leans back on the couch, his eyes soft but full of certainty. "You need to stop chasing after something that's just a distraction. You need to take a step back and figure out what you really want. And maybe... maybe that means letting go of the idea of fixing someone, or fixing yourself."

His words are like a breath of fresh air, cutting through the fog in my mind. Maybe he's right.

Maybe all this time, I've been so caught up in the idea of change of fixing what's broken, that I haven't stopped to think about what I truly need. What I want.

Ryan leans forward, his voice quiet but full of conviction. "You deserve love, Sarah. You deserve peace. Not this drama. Not this constant cycle of trying to prove something to yourself. Don't keep running after something that doesn't give you what you need."

I nod slowly, the weight of his words settling into my chest. Maybe I've been looking at it all wrong. Maybe it's time to stop trying to change things, and start just living for me.

Ryan smiles gently, almost as if he's relieved to see that I'm starting to understand. "It's going to take time. But you'll figure it out. And when you do, you'll be in a better place."

I take a deep breath, feeling the weight in my chest lighten just a little.

"Do you need a hug?" He asks.

"Do you even have to ask? Just hug me, please, " my voice cracks.

°°°

This is my favourite chapter so far.